How do I deal with this?
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I deal with this?

My husband has some serious insecurities and when we start to get into it the argument always somehow turns to him accusing me of doing things I've never done and he will not believe me no matter what when I try to tell him he's crazy! I've never given him any reason to think that I've ever cheated or lied about anything and I just dont know how to deal with him when he's up in my face accusing me of sleeping with people in the past that I never have...I've been called every name in the book and you'd think I was a prostitute the way he talks about me...we desperately need to go to counseling and he finally said something to the effect of him possibly agreeing to go this weekend after a nasty blowout but he honestly believes the things he accuses me of and I dont even know how to get through to him!
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I deal with this?

It sounds more like paranoia than mere insecurities to me. It's also a form of abuse. My ex accused me of tossing his wedding band in our kitchen trashcan after he couldn't find it. He had an entire story cooked up as to how I did it. Nothing I said could change his belief. I, too, got called every name in the book and basically told what a piece of crap I was.

Six months later, we were getting ready to go to dinner, and he put his hands in a pair of Docker's he hadn't worn in months. Wanna guess what was in the pocket? Yep, his wedding band. And even with the cold, hard evidence, he still wouldn't man up and admit he was an a$$hat.

I hope you can get your husband into therapy, but just be forewarned that he may be quite adept at blowing smoke up your counselor's wazoo.

I don't think you can get through to your husband. How long have you been married, and has he always been this way? Does he abuse alcohol or drugs at any time; say, to ease stress or just to take the edge off?

You are living with an angry man who is projecting his own self-hatred onto you. Has he ever threatened to, or actually gotten, physical with you? I think you need to take a good hard look at your marriage, because it doesn't sound like it's doing you any good to get in no-win arguments. If your husband has no reason to doubt your loyalty, then maybe you should start questioning if this marriage is worth saving. JMO.
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I deal with this?

Could it be that he's cheating/has cheated on you and is projecting?

You need to sit him down STAT and tell him the name-calling and accusations are uncalled for and also without merit. Be transparent with him and call him out on it everytime he does it.

This is no way to live.

Get into marriage counselling.
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I deal with this?

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Originally Posted by Prodigal View Post
It sounds more like paranoia than mere insecurities to me. It's also a form of abuse. My ex accused me of tossing his wedding band in our kitchen trashcan after he couldn't find it. He had an entire story cooked up as to how I did it. Nothing I said could change his belief. I, too, got called every name in the book and basically told what a piece of crap I was.

Six months later, we were getting ready to go to dinner, and he put his hands in a pair of Docker's he hadn't worn in months. Wanna guess what was in the pocket? Yep, his wedding band. And even with the cold, hard evidence, he still wouldn't man up and admit he was an a$$hat.

I hope you can get your husband into therapy, but just be forewarned that he may be quite adept at blowing smoke up your counselor's wazoo.

I don't think you can get through to your husband. How long have you been married, and has he always been this way? Does he abuse alcohol or drugs at any time; say, to ease stress or just to take the edge off?

You are living with an angry man who is projecting his own self-hatred onto you. Has he ever threatened to, or actually gotten, physical with you? I think you need to take a good hard look at your marriage, because it doesn't sound like it's doing you any good to get in no-win arguments. If your husband has no reason to doubt your loyalty, then maybe you should start questioning if this marriage is worth saving. JMO.
honestly this has been running through my mind ever since I brought the subject of counseling up...the look on his face when he talks about the things he accuses me of is like he seriously, honestly believes these things and I MUST be lying when I try to tell him that they never happened. And the bad fights happen mostly when he's been drinking...I've tried to tell him that he needs to cut back on that and I get accused of calling him a loser or a failure...I'm hesitant to call it alcoholism because I dont want to see what his reaction to that would be...I did finally sit down with him a couple of months ago and told him that the name-calling was verbal abuse, period! and it has gotten better since then but its still there...
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Could it be that he's cheating/has cheated on you and is projecting? You need to sit him down STAT and tell him the name-calling and accusations are uncalled for and also without merit. Be transparent with him and call him out on it everytime he does it.

This is no way to live.

Get into marriage counselling.
I dont think he's cheated on me...there's no evidence of that, but I know in past relationships he has had that happen and also reciprocated...he brings up my past relationships and one-night stands (of which there were only 3 in my life) as evidence that I'm just this complete ***** and I dont know how many times I've said it but what do they have to do with OUR marriage or relationship? It's maddening to go around and around with him on this! He also tells me from time to time when we are not getting intimate very often (because hello we've got 2 small children and sleep is my #1 priority these days) that if he can't get it from me then maybe he'll go find it somewhere else...awesome huh?
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I deal with this?

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I dont think he's cheated on me...there's no evidence of that, but I know in past relationships he has had that happen and also reciprocated...he brings up my past relationships and one-night stands (of which there were only 3 in my life) as evidence that I'm just this complete ***** and I dont know how many times I've said it but what do they have to do with OUR marriage or relationship? It's maddening to go around and around with him on this! He also tells me from time to time when we are not getting intimate very often (because hello we've got 2 small children and sleep is my #1 priority these days) that if he can't get it from me then maybe he'll go find it somewhere else...awesome huh?
Did you have any inklings early on that he was this insecure about your past??? If that was the case, you should of given hime the watared down version of your s3xual history. Even with my wife's limited experiences, i'm to only assume a couple were ONS, i sure don't want to have it confirmed how many they truly were.

I'm like Jellybean, when someone is constantly acusing, they could be their own guilt projecting at you. He's not comfortable with what he's doing and this is how he copes, almost most justifies what he is doing. Be wary of men like this, my father was like this, and it never stops. You may want to pack a bag and move on. Guys can out grow drinking and drug use, not this.
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Old 08-22-2011, 01:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Did you have any inklings early on that he was this insecure about your past??? If that was the case, you should of given hime the watared down version of your s3xual history. Even with my wife's limited experiences, i'm to only assume a couple were ONS, i sure don't want to have it confirmed how many they truly were.

I'm like Jellybean, when someone is constantly acusing, they could be their own guilt projecting at you. He's not comfortable with what he's doing and this is how he copes, almost most justifies what he is doing. Be wary of men like this, my father was like this, and it never stops. You may want to pack a bag and move on. Guys can out grow drinking and drug use, not this.
I didnt know in the beginning when we were still just friends that he had these insecurities and I never sat down and said "SO I've had 3 ONS in my life" and went into detail about them or anything! He has basically interrogated me about my past sexual history and I've been truthful...Plus my past sexual history IS watered down if you ask me...I've had 2 relationships (him being one) and 3 ONS in college that I wish I could take back badly so that they are not beaten over my head for the rest of my life...
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Old 08-22-2011, 02:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I deal with this?

JC--I have been in a relationship like yours. Imagine my utter shock when I found out (by accident) he was cheating. I am sorry to say, it got worse over time.

Regardless of your past--you are married now and not feeling the way he's treating you--and understandably so. Speak up. Either he stops treating you this way or he stops. If you ahve started changing things you normally do in orde to appease him, know that you're in an abusive/toxic relationship. For me, it was realizing I would speak very loudly on the phone around him (even with my mom) so as not to have to hear him later accusing me of talking to someone else. One time he took his phone and threw it and smashed it against the wall, breaking it, once he confirmed I was speaking with my family.

Yeah.....
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Old 08-22-2011, 02:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Be wary of men like this, my father was like this, and it never stops. You may want to pack a bag and move on. Guys can out grow drinking and drug use, not this.
Listen to Rob. Great advice here.
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Old 08-22-2011, 02:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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.I've had 2 relationships (him being one) and 3 ONS in college that I wish I could take back badly so that they are not beaten over my head for the rest of my life...
Wouldn't matter. My ex was like this, he was an alcoholic. He was the only man that I had ever been with sexually, and he still would accuse me. Say ugly things to me as if I was a wh--e.

We've been divorced 20 years, and he's still the same. He's abused every woman he has been in a relationship with.
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