Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

My wife hates my 10 yr old from previous marriage!

10K views 59 replies 21 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
It's an awful situation. We have a 4 year old son together or I'd leave so fast she'd never know that I was ever there. Counseling isn't working. My wife is mean and cruel. What do?
 
#2 ·
What specifically makes you think she hates him? Does she say she hates him or does she act like she hates him? What does she say or do? What is your best guess as to why the counseling isn't working?
 
#5 ·
It's my daughter. My wife has been mean to her off and on for the 5 years we've been married. My daughter doesn't like to be around her (I don't blame her) and now my wife, like a child, has doubled down on her actions. She won't initiate any conversation. Talks down to her and is very harsh. Once we were explaining the importance of dental hygiene and she told my 8 year old at the time she hoped her teeth rotted out. My wife said she is miserable when my daughter is here ?
 
#19 ·
It's my daughter. My wife has been mean to her off and on for the 5 years we've been married. My daughter doesn't like to be around her (I don't blame her) and now my wife, like a child, has doubled down on her actions. She won't initiate any conversation. Talks down to her and is very harsh. Once we were explaining the importance of dental hygiene and she told my 8 year old at the time she hoped her teeth rotted out. My wife said she is miserable when my daughter is here ?
Does she say why she is miserable when she is there?

I had three step daughters in my first marriage that we had custody of. Two of them were wonderful, but the oldest? OMG she pushed my buttons and stabbed me in the back every chance she had. Her antics I could handle, she was a kid. But what I could not handle was how my husband favored her over her sisters and me.

She did some big (IMO) things like physically hurting her sisters and stealing and lying. But as a step mother, what drove me over the edge was the relentless barrage of little things. I got the clear message that he may have married me but I would never come first.

Here are a few examples. They may sound like no big deal to the birth parent, but to the step parent who is already feels somewhat like an interloper, they really wear on you:

1. She got in trouble and HE grounded her when it was school shopping time. I took her two sisters shopping and spent a moderate amount of money on clothes for them. A couple days later I get a call at work from them - they came home to a note from daddy that he had taken their sister shopping and to do their homework. He spent more on her than I did the other two combined. So for getting in trouble, her reward was a special shopping trip alone with daddy and lavished with anything she wanted.

2. When we had adult friends over she would always join us and dominate the conversation (she was about 11 or 12 at the time) and I didn't like it because I wanted to hang out with adults, not children, and often the conversation was not appropriate for her. So we discussed, in advance of a get together, that it was an adult gathering, the kids were to get their food then make themselves scarce. But once company came she dominated the conversation again right in front of her father, who simply smiled like, isn't she adorable?

3. We had a fruit tree and the kids had picked all the fruit but one while they were too green to eat. I was talking with her and her dad about how I was so looking forward to some of the fruit from our tree and he said "OK, that last one is for you!" I said "Thanks! it's not ready yet, I will pick it in a couple days." She left the room and came back 5 minutes later with that piece of fruit and presented it to me with a smile and said "Here, I picked it for you." I know she did it on purpose to ruin it for me, but her dad just smiled and shrugged like "She must not have understood, look how nice she is to you, why are you so uptight..."

Those were the subtle things. Most were much more overt. But I'm curious what your wife would say because the point of view may be very different from where she sits.

I remember my ex when to counseling with me one time and the counselor said "Your wife is screaming because your daughter keeps sticking a knife in her. What are you going to do about it?"

He didn't do squat. We divorced (for that plus several other reasons)
 
#7 ·
. Counseling isn't working.
what does the counselor say? Is your wife truthful with the counselor?

Once we were explaining the importance of dental hygiene and she told my 8 year old at the time she hoped her teeth rotted out.
sometimes kids are hateful to the stepmom on the sly. Is there any way your daughter could be pulling a parent trap and doing things to the stepmom that you don't see? It's common for children of divorce to sabotage relationships because they want their parents back together.

how is she with your 4 year old? would you describe her as a good mother in that case? The evil stepmother type tend to overly spoil their own natural children. Does she expect the same standards from both kids?

p.s. when my girls (7 and 3 1/2) refuse to obey and brush their teeth, i too say, "well then i hope your teeth rot out". I don't actually hope their teeth rot out. I hope that my dire warning will motivate them to brush without it being necessary to pin them down and do it for them. I love my kids, and i don't think anyone would describe me as mean to them. Even if they heard me say this.
 
#39 ·
what does the counselor say? Is your wife truthful with the counselor?



sometimes kids are hateful to the stepmom on the sly. Is there any way your daughter could be pulling a parent trap and doing things to the stepmom that you don't see? It's common for children of divorce to sabotage relationships because they want their parents back together.

how is she with your 4 year old? would you describe her as a good mother in that case? The evil stepmother type tend to overly spoil their own natural children. Does she expect the same standards from both kids?

p.s. when my girls (7 and 3 1/2) refuse to obey and brush their teeth, i too say, "well then i hope your teeth rot out". I don't actually hope their teeth rot out. I hope that my dire warning will motivate them to brush without it being necessary to pin them down and do it for them. I love my kids, and i don't think anyone would describe me as mean to them. Even if they heard me say this.
This is terrible parenting technique. A child-like response to child-like behaviour.

@ OP - your daughter would have been 5 when you blended families, yes? It is highly unlikely your daughter was sophisticated enough at that age to deliberately antagonize your wife.

Bluntly, both you and your wife have failed in being skillful in handling the situation.

I suggest you find a family counsellor for *you and your wife* to start learning alternative methods. Your kids are just being kids, and will take their cues from you both.

Good luck.

Stepparenting Advice for Blended Families | Empowering Parents
 
#8 ·
Sorry your fault. The minuet you saw your wife acting in that kind of manner towards your daughter is when you should have stepped in and let her know that it's unacceptable and not to do it again.

Your current wife knew you had a daughter and she accepted it. There isn't any excuse for that kind of talking to your kid. Just remember friend that your blood courses through your daughters veins. She is your top priority. She didn't ask to be born but she's here and your her dad and she relies on you so you damn well better open your mouth and say something PDQ before it's too late. You should know as an adult that your kids come first.
 
#9 ·
1. You're not listening to your wife.

2. You're making more out of what she says than it actually is. Read the last paragraph of sixty-eight's post.

3. You're allowing your daughter to be disrespectful.

4. Your daughter is a brat, and you don't bother to parent her to give her consequences.

5. Your therapist is an idiot and not familiar with step family dynamics. Many people have to go through 2 or 3 therapists to find a good one or to find a good fit. You need a counselor that specializes in step families.

6. This is on you. Stop blaming your wife.
 
#11 ·
She knew you had your daughter before you got married, she should never say she is miserable when your daughter is there.She is jealous of her and resents the fact that she even exist. You need to tell her asap that her attitude will no longer be tolerated, if she does not accept your daughter then she no longer accepts you.

Pretty soon your daughter will not want to come over and visit anymore surprised she is not that way now, or has told her mom what is going on. You really need to step up for her and protect her from your wife, soon your son will treat her bad as well. She does not deserve that when she is there to spend time with her dad.

I wish you luck.
 
#12 ·
If your daughter isn't being disrespectful towards your wife and your wife just hates your daughter for no reason you have to protect your daughter and if that means leaving your wife you might have to do that. Wives come and go (as you know because you are on your second) but your daughter will always be your daughter and if you don't protect her know you will forever have a strained relationship with her. She will blame you.
 
#13 ·
i really think we need more information before we judge exactly what is going on. You need to care for both/all of them, that's what family is. Blaming your wife and siding with your daughter will alienate your wife and likely your other child. You have equal responsibility to the mother of your second child. Siding with your wife will cut off your relationship from your daughter. I assume you desire neither of these scenarios. I checked for other posts and this is the only one. The only example of the alleged meanness was the dental hygiene talk, so there could very well be a lot more to the story. The daughter and the wife are equally plausible as the instigator of all the aggression. I would expect more of an agent for change in your wife though, as the adult in this scenario.
 
#16 · (Edited)
This is really too bad. Based on your first post, I rather thought you knew what you were talking about. But I was sadly mistaken. This is not a situation to weigh both sides. And it definitely is not a situation to blame the wife "as the adult in this scenario." Everything you stated is the problem in step families and what has the OP completely torn. But he shouldn't be torn. He should be parenting his daughter, but he's too guilty and too fearful to do that. Too busy feeling sorry for the poor child of divorce and too afraid the kid won't want to visit him if he actually does any real parenting.

That's the way it goes 90 percent of the time. Usually, stepmoms start out excited and happy to accept her stepchildren, but the dad/husband makes it impossible because he is afraid to take sides against his kids and make them behave. You said yourself in your first post that "sometimes kids are hateful to the stepmom on the sly." That is exactly what happens MOST of the time and is what has happened in THIS case. And the more they get away with from being so slick and sly, the worse they get as time goes on. This kid has gotten on his wife's very last nerve.

What also happens is not only does the husband disrespect his wife by allowing his bratty kid(s) to disrespect her, but most stepmoms feel like non-entities when the step kids are there because suddenly she is not worthy of his attention or affection when his kids are around. He gives all his love and attention to his kids and ignores his wife if not totally mistreats her in front of his children. This is also a very common complaint among step moms.

The only thing this guy's wife is guilty of is blaming the child and disliking the child's presence in her home. For some strange reasons, stepmoms ALWAYS blame the kids. That's easy to do since it's the kids who are acting so horrible, but it is misplaced blame and aggression because it is ALL the husband's fault. If he parented his children and didn't treat his wife like a second class citizen in his children's presence, there wouldn't be any problems, or at least an extreme few by comparison. I don't know why stepmoms always blame the kids and end up disliking the kids. Any adult should realize that kids will do everything they can get away with. In most step families where the wife/girlfriend is the step parent, kids escalate and ramp up the disrespect and misbehavior because it's so easy to get away with everything knowing dad never does anything about it. But the women blame the kids for very normal and expected misbehavior, when the father/husband is the one they SHOULD blame. But that never happens for some strange and very stupid reason. Even after it is pointed out to them, they may understand their misplaced blame, but the aggression is never properly directed. They continue to dislike the kids, if not totally hate them, but they don't dislike their husband/boyfriend for disrespecting them and allowing his children to be disrespectful. It's the weirdest and most senseless thing I've ever seen, but, again, that's the way it normally goes.

All of these are the reasons the wife "is miserable" when his kids are there.
 
#15 ·
I would be miserable if i had an antagonistic step daughter who was hiding her poor behavior from her father and making me look like the bad guy. Tell me how you would feel with a step child who interferes in the marriage and tries to pit you and her parent against each other? It's why i asked if the girl could be tormenting step mom and/or little brother when OP is not around, or when she knows dad will be home soon to see step mom blow up after instigation all day, it's a classic scenario.

alternately, it's just as likely that she is an evil step mom, treating her kid nicely and step kid poorly. It happens. However, if step mom is doing this, it's usually on the sly, not right in front of dad. That's a tell that it could possibly be the daughter.


Trouble is, there are too many possible scenarios.
 
#18 ·
I would like to chime in here, but until Frostfield returns and gives us more detail, there is very little to respond to beyond what has already been said.

We really need more examples of both what sort of disrespectful things the 10 year old does towards the step mother and more examples of mean things that the step mother does.

This is a situation where I really wish that Mrs. Frostfield would join TAM and give us her side of the story.
 
#20 ·
I had a very similar problem,my stbxw told me she just 'tolerates' my 10 year old,my little one is quiet,my stbxw did nothing with her as if she was an inconvenience coming round,in the end I stopped bringing her round...my stbxw went out at weekends and did her own thing even though I did things with her kids....
Like an earlier poster said,wives come and go,but your daughter is for life
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#23 ·
More info...my wife is a total volcano. She is on high alert when my daughter is around looking for mistakes. MY DAUGHTER IS VERY RESPECTFUL. It's over the top, if everything isn't perfect, my wife goes to defcon 10 anger level. Including, and mostly directed at me. She has zero tolerance or patience with my daughter. At her moms house, my daughter receives very little discipline then our house is boot camp (think full metal jacket). A 10 year old kid can't handle that. No one likes being around my wife when she is like that, including her sister (who has kids). Her sister has seen it first hand. She lived with us for a bit. She feels for us.

It's almost like my wife has OCD with extreme anger response when things aren't 100% perfect. When does perfect happen with children? Basically never.
 
#29 ·
More info...my wife is a total volcano. She is on high alert when my daughter is around looking for mistakes. MY DAUGHTER IS VERY RESPECTFUL. It's over the top, if everything isn't perfect, my wife goes to defcon 10 anger level. Including, and mostly directed at me. She has zero tolerance or patience with my daughter. At her moms house, my daughter receives very little discipline then our house is boot camp (think full metal jacket). A 10 year old kid can't handle that. No one likes being around my wife when she is like that, including her sister (who has kids). Her sister has seen it first hand. She lived with us for a bit. She feels for us.

It's almost like my wife has OCD with extreme anger response when things aren't 100% perfect. When does perfect happen with children? Basically never.
Is there anything you like about this woman? How is she with the son you have together?

I feel like i'm missing something. She's mean to the kid, mean to you. Is there a specific reason you stay together? It doesn't sound like you enjoy her company.
 
#46 · (Edited)
You have done absolutely nothing but bash your wife. That's why I called it bashing. As far as fact reporting? Nothing but YOUR opinionated view of your wife, who you clearly have zero respect for no matter what she does. Other than me and my opinion, several other stepmothers have offered you their own experience. How could I be so wrong when they virtually repeated what I stated to you. But it's awfully funny you didn't listen to anyone but the people who agreed with you and told you to leave your wife - people who obviously don't have any idea what they are talking about just like you.

So you made sure to win and be right and put your wife in her place by dishing out the ultimate ultimatum and threatening to leave her. Way to go, Mr. Wonderful.

Everything I said remains as I said it.....
1. You're not listening to your wife.

2. You're making more out of what she says than it actually is. Read the last paragraph of sixty-eight's post.

3. You're allowing your daughter to be disrespectful.

4. Your daughter is a brat, and you don't bother to parent her to give her consequences.

5. Your therapist is an idiot and not familiar with step family dynamics. Many people have to go through 2 or 3 therapists to find a good one or to find a good fit. You need a counselor that specializes in step families.

6. This is on you. Stop blaming your wife.

Too bad it means nothing to you. I hope your wife gets smart and leaves you and your bratty kid.
 
#32 ·
Could you post the message?
 
#33 ·
Are you afraid to leave him alone with her?
 
#41 ·
Update: I wrote her a long message telling her everything I feel and that I couldn't take the meanness anymore. She said she will try her best and go see a Dr. She probably is suffering from depression. She's already being kind. I hope it sticks. She knows I will walk otherwise. Thanks to some of you.
No. Not TRY, she is just feeding you BS and not really dealing with her issues.

Insist she goes. Leave her, with the children if she doesn't. Speaking as an adult who grew up with an emotionally volatile parent with the other one escaping into work. Great provider, no emotional protection = damaged children.

You need to develop a backbone here for the sake of your children. Inaction on your part is damaging your children as much as her ranting is. You WILL have to answer to your adult children someday about "why didn't you help us?".
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top