General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I suppose this is clearly anonymous so I can divulge more if needed (trying to avoid writing a book) ...
but can a marriage be saved by one person?
Married for 13 1/2 year and have been together almost 18. Happy marriage from my angle (and I would have thought hers) but things ended abruptly 4 weeks ago when I was told it was over, no efforts will be made, you won't talk me out of it.
We have two kids, boy 6.5 and girl 4.5. They don't know.
I'm doing the best I can by staying calm, giving her space, and keeping up appearances for the kids - so far they haven't asked anything beyond why mom isn't in our room any more (said I have a new snoring problem).
She is stone faced on the topic, and even people close to her (not her family as I haven't talked to them in some time, but friends) say she doesn't seem herself. distant cut off, non feeling.
I'm in a similar position, except my wife packed up my bags and sent me out of the house. She doesn't want to talk or work on things, this is non-negotiable at this point.
Sounds like your wife and my wife are at the same point in their lives, they are confused and are at a crossroad in their mind. My wife told me that she wasn't happy anymore, and didn't have feelings for me anymore. She requested space, but it later evolved to talking about the marriage being over. In her short text messages and voice mails she uses the tone and attitude that it is over (just so I don't get confused and think there is still a chance).
I don't know what to tell you except that you should give her some space and time to work things out for herself. Use this time to work on yourself (exercise, read books, get counseling) and be ready for the opportunity to work things out if it is ever offered.
realized I didn't say anything as to the cause ...
no cheating, no abuse, no drinking ... none of the top ten list.
physical issue in our relationship. My libido higher, frustration on both sides causing quarterly arguments and weekly pressure. Made worse by a long term ED issue on my end that (have realized in the last month through counseling) pretty much shattered my self confidence in every area of my life making me put more pressure on this than required.
she says she's done. this topic has broken her. she needs to save herself.
Use this time to work on yourself (exercise, read books, get counseling) and be ready for the opportunity to work things out if it is ever offered.
I don't think there's much to work on within the marriage if one party is totally unwilling at this point. Focusing on taking care of yourself and your children, however, will be a positive for you no matter what ends up happening and it could make her think twice about this decision.
The answer to your question would be no. It takes 2. There has to be a reason it's over. you have to find that out before you can save any relationship
It seems odd to me that she would be so irrational. i mean, no abuse, no cheating, no anything. and she's not even willing to talk to you about it? its just over? that's just odd to me. I always think there's a reason equal in magnitude to the reaction.
It seems odd to me that she would be so irrational. i mean, no abuse, no cheating, no anything. and she's not even willing to talk to you about it? its just over? that's just odd to me. I always think there's a reason equal in magnitude to the reaction.
to answer that I'd have to know what's in her head.
ten years ago when we started talking about kids she did a similar thing. Shut down, no emotion. I moved out, sold the house, and then the fog lifted. (too six weeks)
Now with two kids involved I'm not reacting with anger, and I'm not reacting with trying to talk her out of it.
Just leaving her alone to think about it.
The misunderstanding in it was the physical issue. My ED made me think it was my problem, but one I could manage. that was dumb it was destroying me. But I didn't know she was getting hurt by my trying to fix it. I thought she was annoyed by the topic, not hurt by it.
Since this has happened I feel so much better about the core issue as I've finally told friends and family about it and nobody is judgemental. Has been a weight lift.
But now I'm in a house ... we try and make it look good but there is no home anymore. 4 weeks isn't a long time, but it seems like a long time.
I want to hang in and give her time but how long can you go in this environment? I guess I'll find out.
You never know what's inside a marriage, but everyone that knows us is shocked and can't believe it. As far as I know that was a small issue within a very happy marriage.
I think i get you, but you're going to have to explain your conflicting statements more clearly. You say you have both a higher libido than her, and ED at the same time. Please explain this, and give a history, starting from when it was OK, up until now.
As to your question, I believe one person can save a marriage, but it takes considerable skill.
never a problem in teen years and into college. But broke up with a high school girl friend of 3 years. Next time I tried it was a one nighter and it freaked me out. Cast doubt in my mind ever since.
Managable at the beginning in our relationship. Took a dip when we had trouble ten years ago and has been a medicated thing since.
Problem for me though ... felt terrible about myself. If things didn't go well I'd feel it for the entire time between (medication only partly worked, or didn't last long enough etc). Felt I had to make it right. If she said not tonight I'd almost puke (after weighting 8 days or so between). Ended up baggering her about it from time to time. And led to fights every few months.
The medication felt like cheating. I never took myelf off the hook for what's a pretty normal thing.
so my libido was higher, partially due to simple man/woman difference I'm sure, and partially due to trying to gain intimacy and make myself feel better.
Stupid once you figuere it all out. but I didn't see it.
Women have a higher libido than men, but women more easily suppress it, so it appears to be lower. When women get in touch with their animal side, they are formidable.
So do you thing you ED was psychogenic, rather than physical?
Women have a higher libido than men, but women more easily suppress it, so it appears to be lower. When women get in touch with their animal side, they are formidable.
So do you thing you ED was psychogenic, rather than physical?
I would think so ... not to the bottom of that yet though.
I'm in a similar position, except my wife packed up my bags and sent me out of the house. She doesn't want to talk or work on things, this is non-negotiable at this point.
Sounds like your wife and my wife are at the same point in their lives, they are confused and are at a crossroad in their mind. My wife told me that she wasn't happy anymore, and didn't have feelings for me anymore. She requested space, but it later evolved to talking about the marriage being over. In her short text messages and voice mails she uses the tone and attitude that it is over (just so I don't get confused and think there is still a chance).
I don't know what to tell you except that you should give her some space and time to work things out for herself. Use this time to work on yourself (exercise, read books, get counseling) and be ready for the opportunity to work things out if it is ever offered.
Melancholy,
Man your story sounds so much like mine.. My wife of close to 16 years asked me to move out a month ago.. said she didnt love me anymore and hasn't for some time... it blindsided me to say the least... I have been devistated this past month.. in email conversations she told me the same things its over and she has no plans on trying to make it work... get on with my life and that she hates me.... I know exactly what you are feeling and I am sorry. I know how hurt I am and can only guess your feeling the same....check out the post "Should i give up"
Biding_time.
I feel for you friend.. your wife sounds just like mine.. I think mine had a midlife crisis or something.. 3 days before she kicked me out we had planned on getting her 30000$ worth of plastic surgery for her self esteem.... dang glad i didnt sign anything before she gave me the boot...I have granted my wife wish and have only contacted her about the kids.. and she has done most of the contacting.. Give her space that she asks for and like everyone said work on yourself. I am just getting to the point of acceptance that in deed it may be over.... I hold out hope because I still love my wofe very much... were not divorced until the judge says so........ so there still is time..
as long as there is not another guy... in my situation i dont know.... not sure if i want to know either.....
best wishes to you both...... your in my prayers for strength for all of us....
So are you saying that your ED also upset her? Can you explain the sort of thing that happened?
Also, can you tell me how many times you normally ejaculate per week?
No she was always understanding about it ... but she wasn't a forward person, or one prone to compliments ... kind of added to the inadequacy around the topic.
Second question ... not sure how that applies ... but once? I don't know.
There is something odd about your story, it is as if you have left so much out that it does not really hang together properly. I don't know if you are clear (in you own mind) about exactly why you think your wife left you, but I think I speak for everyone in saying that you have not made it clear to us.
Can one person save a marraige? 
