General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I think our financial situation, plus his highly stressful job definitely bent him so far that it didn't take much to break him. But, this is the situation I have to work with.
I'm in the middle of Day Two of Love Dare. Today is Kindness. I woke up and cleaned out the litter box, a chore of his. We went to a local park with our daughter, his sister and her son. He is crazy about taking pictures, to the point of being obsessed. Usually, I am irritated by his constant picture taking, though I am silently so. Today, I aksed for the camera several times and took lots of pictures for him.
I'm having a tough time, because it's hard to be kind when you're down, and when you feel you're beig wronged by the person you're trying to express kindness towards, but that's the whole point of the dare, to be kind without any expectations of reciprocation, to be kind just because, to be kind from a place of selflessness, from a place of love. So, why am I having such a hard time of it? I was sulking most of the day, not making eye contact with my DH. My attitude didn't turn around till he kissed me for one of the pictures his sister took of us. I felt like the kiss was fake, but was so thirsty for affection that it just made me so darned happy. Why does it take positive feedback for me to put out positive vibes? So far, I think I've failed this dare. Glad the day isn't over. I still have a chance to turn things around.
"The wise husband and wife will look for the emotional need behind the argument.* Why is my spouse so upset over what seems trivial to me?* The answer to that question will help you understand your spouse.* Meeting emotional needs for each other is one way to create a positive climate for communication."
This is an excerpt from Gary Chapman's latest Love Language Minute. Obviously, I am not meeting one of my husband's basic emotional needs. If I can just figure out what that need us and how to meet it, I think I might just get somewhere.
It's tough not to paint a negative picture of my husband. He's acting in ways that are so unloving. This I the polar oposite of the wag he behaves when we are doing well. The prroblem is, he justifies his behavior because I caused him to be angry, to mock me, to become distant. So, it's ok. I know this is insane. The problem is, I can't control him. I don't want to. All I can do is try to work on myself and create the best possible environment for reconciliation that I can. I also know I don't want my daughter to see me treated this way. He is civil, at times, even sweet to me when she is awake and with us, or when we're around other people. But, as she grows, she will come to see and understand our dynamic.
I am willing to go to counseling, though right now, I don't see a practical way to do so. I'm definitely willing to do marriage exercises. Love Dare is tough, but I'm working it.
I want to give this marriage my all before giving up. My failure will mean not just a broken life for me, but also for my husband and daughter.
Thank you all, again for all the advice and encouragement. It's keeping me afloat in this sea of despair.
That's definitely true.
I think it's great you're doing all you can from your side of the marriage. I really hope for the sake of everyone that things finally click into place for him and he sees your efforts and the pain he is now causing you, and stops his unloving ways.
The thing about a lot of self help type deals, like marriage workbooks, is that they basically work on the assumption that both people are relatively "normal" average people. That their actions have a clear and traceable cause. But people are complex, more than they know or want to admit. X + Y does not always equal Z with people.
It very well could be that you're not meeting a basic emotional need of his. But what if that need is unhealthy or unreasonable? Say, if he has a basic emotional need for your grovel at his feet all the time to keep him feeling good about himself. That's not really a need you should be meeting.
I guess my point is, that you can only get so far without his willingness to look at his side of things or within himself. There could be things about him that no matter what you do, will not change, and will not change how he acts toward you.
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice how to help him want to also help with things.
I do think, that if you can find a way to make it work, that counseling would be good. Might help you deal with things thats more personalized.
Self help has to be general enough to work for most people, but yes, I see how that also means it's tough to address specific situations. We've always thought we were different, unbreakable, that we had something truly special. Maybe we are more average than we think. As you say, he may not move. He may not meet me where I need to be met. But, i hope, have faith, and love him with my whole heart.
Today's Love Dare was selflessness. I was to buy my DH something to show him I was thinking of him. We are super tight on money, and my DH wants to curb spending. So, I didn't want to fly on the face of that by getting somehong extravagant. I wentvsimple and got him some Ovaltine, a favorite treat of his. Something I don't care for but he enjoys. He was pleased and smiled a bit.
Self help has to be general enough to work for most people, but yes, I see how that also means it's tough to address specific situations. We've always thought we were different, unbreakable, that we had something truly special. Maybe we are more average than we think. As you say, he may not move. He may not meet me where I need to be met. But, i hope, have faith, and love him with my whole heart.
Today's Love Dare was selflessness. I was to buy my DH something to show him I was thinking of him. We are super tight on money, and my DH wants to curb spending. So, I didn't want to fly on the face of that by getting somehong extravagant. I wentvsimple and got him some Ovaltine, a favorite treat of his. Something I don't care for but he enjoys. He was pleased and smiled a bit.
Self help has to be general enough to work for most people, but yes, I see how that also means it's tough to address specific situations. We've always thought we were different, unbreakable, that we had something truly special. Maybe we are more average than we think. As you say, he may not move. He may not meet me where I need to be met. But, i hope, have faith, and love him with my whole heart.
Today's Love Dare was selflessness. I was to buy my DH something to show him I was thinking of him. We are super tight on money, and my DH wants to curb spending. So, I didn't want to fly on the face of that by getting somehong extravagant. I wentvsimple and got him some Ovaltine, a favorite treat of his. Something I don't care for but he enjoys. He was pleased and smiled a bit.
You didn't go simple, you got him something that he enjoys. The dares aren't meant to do anything extravagant anyways. You finished that dare and got a positive response out of him. I think that's wonderful. There are people that have done the dares and not gotten a positive response for quite awhile. Keep up the good work.
I'm watching Fireproof. Wow. I got much better reactions, much sooner, than the characters in the story. I'm about a third of the way through. Thanks for pointing me towards the film!
Today's dare was to ask my husband if he was okay and to ask him if he needed anything. He said he was good, grabbed me and my daughter, kissed us, and said all he needed were hugs. Then he hugged us! ??????
Your commitment and effort in winning your husband back is wonderful! It's gonna be tough and you are in for some really hard times - good luck.
I do, however, think that you need to get some reassurance from him that he is willing to work on this too. Effort and participation in the 'fix' must come from both parties. He has years invested in your relationship, he has a family, you guys have a history. He can't just make all this disappear just by saying that he no longer loves you. He can't just send you away and out of his life. He has responsibilities to you, his child and your relationship. He must see this and he must make hard work and effort, with you, to meet his responsibilities, respect your feelings and give his family the best he can.
While you change, modify your actions and give thought to his well being, you cannot do it in a spirit of 'fear' of losing him. You are not the junior partner in this relationship, you are a full equal partner. Your work and concern must me equally matched by him.
Izzitme.. The love dare is about changing you to love unconditionally. It's not about making him do anything. You are supposed to make the changes and then your partner has 2 choices. First to accept the new you and want it also or to ot accept and walk away. Either way the person doing the love dare will be better off one way or another. You can not make people do anything. When I talk to my wife about us its trying to get her to see the issues she caused and HOPE she wants to fix them. Though I am also doing the love dare cause I want to be a better person..
Thanks for popping in. I think you're right that I should not be motivated by fear. This is something I struggle with. I have so many emotions, that it's tough to say what exactly is driving me. But, as LH says Love Dare is about loving unconditionally, despite all those emotions.
It is hard, but also strangely easy at the same time. I'm finding that the most loving route is also the most natural. I know my husband so well that if I just breathe and become still, the right course just appears.
The day went well, for the most part. DH's family spent the weekend with us. DH was very loving towards me. Tonight there was a small incident. I asked him to turn down the volume on the TV because half the family had just gone to bed, and I was about to sleep, as well. He got extremely annoyed and said the volume was only loud during the commercials. The movie itself was already too low to hear. Why should he turn it down? I had Love Dare on the brain, an was serene. I smiled, said, "Okay, good night," and went to bed. He gave me a quick hug. His father was in the room as all this happened.
Really, this was such a tiny incident. It was more his tone and manner that struck me. He was talking to me like I was a child, a child he was disgusted with.
I have a feeling he will turn cold again when his family leaves. I hope not, but this sense of forboding is tough to shake.
Today's Love Dare was to ask my husband 3 things I needed to improve. He would have been very angry I asked him. I already have a laundry list of things he'd like me to change. I wrote down the top three:
1. Stop losing my keys, phone and wallet
2. Stop forgetting to lock the door
3. Stop correcting him in front of others Posted via Mobile Device
I'm watching a movie with my husband and his parents and checking in with my sleeping daughter (and posting) from time to time. I'm sharing a chair with him. He seems to be avoiding my touch asvmuch as possible while attempting notbto alert his parents that anyhig is wrong. Or, I'm imagining demons that aren't there. I'm tired. Posted via Mobile Device
I knew something was wrong. Turns out the small incident wasn't so small after all. When we went to bed, he told me he was upset with me. My feet became cold and my stomach started to turn. I asked what he was mad about. He said it was when I asked him to turn the volume down.
I took a deep breath and thought for a few moments, trying to figure out why he would be mad about this. I took a shot and asked if it was because I should have trusted him to just turn down the volume. He said, "Yes." I wanted to know if it was just me asking, or if it was me asking in front of his parents that made him upset. He said it was both things. I appologized. He didn't seem to care. I put my arm around his chest. He told me he couldn't breath with my arm there. I moved my arm higher. He turned away from me. Ok, I get it. He doesn't want to be touched right now. We've taken a step backwards. As I asked him to turn down the volume, I didn't think he would be mad at all. I wish I had known. I never would have asked.
Re: Husband said he doesn't love me anymore 
