General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I knew something was wrong. Turns out the small incident wasn't so small after all. When we went to bed, he told me he was upset with me. My feet became cold and my stomach started to turn. I asked what he was mad about. He said it was when I asked him to turn the volume down.
I took a deep breath and thought for a few moments, trying to figure out why he would be mad about this. I took a shot and asked if it was because I should have trusted him to just turn down the volume. He said, "Yes." I wanted to know if it was just me asking, or if it was me asking in front of his parents that made him upset. He said it was both things. I appologized. He didn't seem to care. I put my arm around his chest. He told me he couldn't breath with my arm there. I moved my arm higher. He turned away from me. Ok, I get it. He doesn't want to be touched right now. We've taken a step backwards. As I asked him to turn down the volume, I didn't think he would be mad at all. I wish I had known. I never would have asked.
Posted via Mobile Device
Wow. He was upset that you didn't trust he would turn down the volume himself? He had an excuse for why he couldn't, so that seems doubtful to me. Did he actually ever do it after you left?
And I'm sure he was upset you said something in front of his father - because his response probably made him look bad.
How much farther do you have to go on the Love Dare?
I think she is on day 5.... Long way. Her journey just began and the first part is very touchy. A lot of ups and downs... it might be 20+ days before he sees anything..
I was told by my brother-in-law to total ignore her actions.. If she wants to file for divorce do it.. Just try not to respond to her actions. I think this is true in many ways.. Its like gasoline on a fire. The more you fight back the more it grows. I am having a hard time with it... Mines Day 6..
I'm on Day 5. Ignore his actions. Ignore his actions. Unfortunately, I did pour gasoline on the fire this morning. I had to use the restroom when I woke up. When I left, the baby started to cry. He hissed at me, angrily asking why I didn't just take her to the restroom with me. Now she'd woken the parrot, and the whole house must be awake. I stupidly bickered back, saying the parrot had been awake for half an hour already. He said, "Wrong!"
What a non-issue! Why did I choose this, of all things, to fight about? Posted via Mobile Device
You all make me think. You all keep me sane. Thank you do much. I don't know what I would do without all your help!
LH, you sound so grounded and calm. You're only on Day 6? Wow. Kudos! Posted via Mobile Device
LOL
i am doing this a second time around... So I feel experienced with it.. My wife has this nasty habit of putting on a happy face when she is mad. She blindsides me.. Still for a 2nd time around I am not doing great. her family though once again has my back..
It looks like I was on Day 6 (first time) today. Not much happened. I appologized for arguing with him about the baby and the bird. He was civil. I miss him. I miss my husband, the man who always put me first, the man who couldn't pass me without a kiss or a tender touch, the man who shared his bowl of ice cream with me. I miss him. Posted via Mobile Device
Sorry, I haven't been able to post for a few days. I've been down with a stomach virus. You are doing great with the Love Dare. I wouldn't worry too much about his reactions right now. Just continue on with what you're doing. Don't get depressed every time you slip up and accidently snap at something he's said or done to you. In the end, you are only human and will make mistakes from time to time.
It seems to me right now he's overly sensitive to everything that you do to him. He's taking instances like the tv volume and blowing them way out of proportion. Whenever there are issues in our marriages, we tend to take even the littlest things and make them seem so much worse to ourselves. I don't know why we do it, I guess it could just be our own self pity. Ya know, "Oh why has this person that's supposed to love me and be there for me always, just done this to me. They must not love me very much at all." I can't tell you how many times I've thought this way, when my wife did something small that rubbed me the wrong way. The good thing is, when you realize that you do this, you are able to overcome it.
You said you thought when you two were sitting in the chair that he was cuddling you, just to keep up appearances. This may be true, but you don't or didn't have confirmation on it from him. You are all too aware that you two are having issues and I think you may be hypersensitive to the little things as well. If he cuddles you, or hugs you, kiss you, etc..., think of him doing these things in a positive thought. One of the dares, that you may or may not have gotten to yet, is one that tells you to dwell on the good qualities of your spouse. I have been wondering. Why would he be trying to keep up appearances for his family? What is he afraid of? Is he afraid that he's in the wrong for what he does to you?
I think it's great that you had the opportunity to watch Fireproof. When my wife and I sat down and watched it together, we seen our marriage throughout the entire movie. I cried so hard at the end of the movie when she realized how much she loved him and he loved her, then ran to him at the fire station. I want so much for my wife to realize how much I really do love her and cherish her. I think you are doing wonderfully and he will come around sooner or later.
I know you are probably just like me. If I could let my wife into my thoughts, I know she would have no doubts as to how I feel about her. I'm sure you think the same way about your husband. Here's something to try. Try writing a love letter to your husband. Tell him all the reasons that you love him and why he means so much to you. Then, leave it somewhere that you know he'll find it. I can't see how you wouldn't get a positive reaction from him on that.
I will keep you, your daughter, and your husband in my prayers at night. Keep up the good work with the Love Dare, you are doing great.
Yikes! The stomach flu is no fun. Hope you feel better soon.
It's so hard not to beat myself up. I put all this effort into our marriage, and one slip up can just erase it all. I guess it's always a lot easier to destroy than it is to create. Couple that with the oversensitivity you mentioned, and oh boy...I'm definitely oversensitive too. I read into every word and action, looking for signs of progress. I have to stop measuring progress through his reactions. This is my toughest challenge, loving just to love, despite his responses.
I'm actually on the dare you're reffering to, today. It's a good time for me to work on this, seeing his positive traits, dwelling in the positive room. He is a wonderful man with a big heart. I'll have no trouble listing his many good traits.
As far as putting on appearances, I know he doesn't want anyone to know about our marital problems. He has always been a very private person. Early in our relationship, I used to talk to my parents about our issues. BIG mistake. All they could see in him was the negative after that. They just kept prodding me to leave him and never treated him like family. He doesn't even want me to confide in his sister. He doesn't want anyone to have any clue that things aren't going well. Does he think he'll look bad? Maybe. But, no matter how he thinks he'll look, he's made it clear that he doesn't think he's at all at fault.
Yes! I wish he could just peek in my head. Then, there would be no question. Posted via Mobile Device
Couple that with the oversensitivity you mentioned, and oh boy...I'm definitely oversensitive too. I read into every word and action, looking for signs of progress. I have to stop measuring progress through his reactions. This is my toughest challenge, loving just to love, despite his responses.
My wife is a bit like that, she seriously snaps and bites my head off for things. At first I would let her know she was over-reacting, but then any assertiveness was seen as escalation, and she would chuck me out of the house, and I'd be away from her and the kids, so I got very resentful of this dynamic.
It's okay to nag occassionally, and to be a bit moody, but snapping or exploding on a regular basis makes a man feel very unappreciated if, indeed he is (or feels he is) actually putting in a lot of effort.
I would get annoyed at things like, when we moved house and there was no washing line or side gate, and I would build a gate, and put in the poles for the line... and instead of 'thanks'... it was... "the gates crooked." (it's about 5-6 degrees off cos after digging through the concrete with hammer and chisel, I found a pipe at the bottom of the hole, so I had to work around it. ... the gate opens and closes fine... it's just slightly crooked.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xusan
I'll have no trouble listing his many good traits.
That's good. My wife was 'listing' my good traits to me once, and I couldn't believe how short the list was, and how trivial the traits were. No mention of how I've stuck by her through some very tough times, how I carried her down a mountain after she broke her knee (jumping over a 6 inch deep stream while 6 months pregnant). How I helped her stand up to her boss who was mistreating her at work, etc...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xusan
Early in our relationship, I used to talk to my parents about our issues. BIG mistake. All they could see in him was the negative after that. They just kept prodding me to leave him and never treated him like family.
I get exactly that. My wife always vents to her family, and her parents look at me like some kind of failure. It's hard for me to get on with them because of the language barrier, and their own destructive behaviours. (I get on great with her brother though). I don't mind her talking to family of course, it's just I discovered that she hasn't mentioned a lot of the good things to them.
Likewise with her friends. She moans to them about a lot of things she'd like me to change, but rarely ever praises me, despite the fact that I work hard, am romantic, give loads of time and love to the kids, and I am the clown who makes people laugh on the dull rainy days.
I know I make mistakes sometimes, but I don't expect to endure a long rant about things like stacking nappies so that they're easier to grab. (It would take me 10 seconds to say it, and 5 seconds to fix it... a 5 min rant is nuts in my opinion.)
If there's an underlying problem, I prefer to hear it straight, so I can deal with it. I hate this tactic of using something else to trigger it. When I'm annoyed about something, I don't disguise it under another topic. I just say it, and usually it's a much shorter, more productive conversation.
Thanks for your input. Today felt almost normal. The only thing missing is that spark. His eyes no longer smile at me. I'll keep on with the dares. I'm just so sad. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Husband said he doesn't love me anymore 
Turns out the small incident wasn't so small after all. When we went to bed, he told me he was upset with me. My feet became cold and my stomach started to turn. I asked what he was mad about. He said it was when I asked him to turn the volume down. 
