Re: Husband said he doesn't love me anymore
Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and offer your advice. I've been feeling so alone and isolated. Being without my husband's affections feels like being suffocated. I'm constantly nauseated and have lost my appetite. I force myself to eat for our baby.
We have talked. We talked for about 3 hours after he told me he didn't love me. He said he didn't even want to come home that night. I apologized. That didn't matter. I had apologized before. He said he believed that I would change, but I just never did. He said that I must not be the person he thought I was. When I asked who he thought I was, he said, "Someone who loves me." I told him I loved him, but this did nothing.
He said he didn't want to hold me anymore, didn't want to kiss me or comfort me. He didn't want to eat the food I made. He had never felt like this. He would have swam through shark infested waters to bring me lemonade if I wanted it. (I believe him! He lived and breathed his love for me like this!) All he asked was that I love him back. He couldn't stand the abuse.
We had a turning point when I said I wished I had just called my mother and canceled our Thanksgiving plans because I knew that being around her made him uncomfortable. His tone changed then. He agreed, and seemed surprised and a little hopeful. He did eat the dinner I prepared and even told me it was really good.
Funny that you mention drinks. Neither of us drink. He doesn't because his dad is an alcoholic. He also wants to always have complete control of his faculties. That night, he said he may as well start drinking. There was just no point. This is another thing that he said that has never ever been said.
I'm sorry you're going through this! I'm having such a tough time and it's only been five days. I see your wife has been gone for 4 weeks. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling.
I won't go to my mother's. I promised him that if I could have the chance to make him happy every day from now on that it would be an honor. I meant that. We both believe that love is doing whatever it takes to make the other person happy, something I had not been doing. I can't leave because that would mean taking our daughter away, who brings the purest happiness to his heart. I admit that I can't fathom being away from him either, even with things the way they are.
Everything you said was right. We both got angry. I snap, he shuts down. I just figured I was irrational because I got soo angry for some trivial things.
I do need his help around the house. I feel all kinds of guilt about this because I became a stay-at-home-mom and considered the house my responsibility. I thought I could take care of everything on the domestic front. I thought I ought to...I can't. The thing is, he never expected me to. He said if the dishes were piled to the ceiling, he wouldn't care. I'm the one who gets upset that I can't do it all. Then, I snap at him for not helping out. He said he comes to me for comfort when things get tough. When things get tough for me, I lash out at him. I have been able to ask for help, nicely, saying things like, "I know you're tired, but the trash is piling up. Would you mind doing a trash run?" I always thank him when he does any sort of chore. But, sometimes, more than usual, lately, I just loose it and snap.
You're also right about him having some responsibility for going cold and shutting off. When we were kids (I was 16, he was 17), it was so much worse. He wouldn't talk at all....for days. I confronted him about it a long time ago and told him it was so hurtful for him to do that. He said it hurt him, too and promised not to ever do it again. He stayed true to that and never became silent again.
But, whenever he is hurt, he is excellent at withholding his affection. He will answer me when I ask a question, but will not volunteer information, nor will he hug, kiss, or touch me in any way. His heart is silent. We have revisited this issue, and he continues to work on it. Even now, he is talking to me. He even eats my meals and thanks me for making them. He comments that they are good. Yet, he will not touch me and becomes rigid when I reach out to hug him or touch him in any way. There is no love in his voice when he talks to me. He is shutting away the part of himself that loves me...or, I've really broken him, and it's gone.
Just thinking that is excruciating.
We do have a new baby. And, she is so amazing. We love her so, so much. We knew that she would turn our lives upside down and welcomed it. I just always thought we would be taking on this challenge together. I never dreamed we would be in danger of ending our relationship! I'm so crushed and surprised that he was so hurt that he was willing to let go of day-to-day living with our daughter.
We were giving each other free time very close to the way you laid out. He was OK with this, but did get a little stressed when I left the baby with him to take a shower. If she got fussy and inconsolable, he would want to hand her back to me while I was still getting dressed. This annoyed me, and I showed it by sighing and rolling my eyes, both hurtful and counterproductive things to do. I wish I had simply let him know I needed a little more time.
Today, he left for a short business trip. He'll be flying back tonight. He said a thorough goodbye to our daughter, smiling at her, hugging her and kissing her. I was glad to see him happy and engaged with our daughter. Then it was time to say goodbye to me. He said an emotionless, "See you later," and left. We are usually very demonstrative with our affection. His cold behavior cut me, specially since he seemed to soften up a bit the night before. I want to hug him, but fear that it will make things worse. I don't know whether he wants me to reach out to him, or just not touch him at all. Sometimes I get the feeling that it's both.
Any further thoughts about what I can do to save my marriage would be wonderful. I'll reflect on what you've all already said. Thank you again for your time. It's been very helpful just to get things out.