Husband said he doesn't love me anymore
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Old 11-24-2008, 07:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband said he doesn't love me anymore

Hello,

Last Friday night, my husband told me that I had broken him -- that he didn't love me anymore. He wanted to get rid of our house. He wanted me and our daughter to go live with my mother. He would live alone and give us half his paycheck. He has never said anything like this before. I was shocked and scared and so, so sorry, and willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage.

We are high school sweethearts, and have been together for 15 years, married for 9. We have just had a little girl, who is now almost 4 months old. My husband has always been my soul mate. We tell each other everything and share the same interests, values, etc. He has always adored me and tried to do everything in his power to make me happy.

I have not been the best wife. I snap at him for little things. He gets so hurt and cannot understand how I can be angry about little things if I love him. So, he questions my love for him.

I love him with all my heart!! I know I have to work on not snapping and have committed myself to doing whatever it takes to make him happy. The problem is, I have been working on this for quite some time. I've read books like Dr. Laura's, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Things work out for awhile, but then I will get lazy and snap again.

This last time, it was about the trash. The baby's diapers were piling up, and trash is his chore. He came home from a long day at work and wanted to relax. We gave our baby a bath, and he wanted to take one himself, right after. That's when I irrationally lost it. It was my time to get a break! I started to brood. He asked me what was wrong. I said it was the trash, and I wanted a shower. He took the baby and immediately went cold. After my shower, he took out the trash. He was cold all evening and the morning after. He went to work. When he came home I asked if he wanted to talk. That's when he told me I had broken him.

I told him I knew I wasn't acting like a loving wife. I should not have snapped at him. To make things worse, he had just lost a significant portion of our savings in the stock market. I wasn't upset when he told me this, but he was devastated. He felt that it was his role to provide for the family, and this was a huge failure on his part. All this happened the same day I snapped at him about the trash. He couldn't believe I did that on this, his worst of days.

I can't believe I did that either. I wish so much that I could take it back.

I have taken a few steps to show him that I truly do love him, such as confronting my mother about some long standing issues. This and other things have compelled him to stay. He is also deeply in love with daughter. It tears him apart to think of any time away from her.

He is still scared to open up to me, of course. I don't blame him at all. He just wants to be loved. What can I further do to repair my marriage? Please help!
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Old 11-24-2008, 08:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband said he doesn't love me anymore

Communications is the key! You MUST sit him down and talk.

After your daughter is in bed asleep. Just talk.

Get him a glass of wine, maybe two to loosen up (but NOT drunk!!), but TALK.

Apologize for your action, maybe he'll apologize for his. But yours will be off your chest.

You can't change the past, but you can build a bridge to the future.
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Old 11-24-2008, 09:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband said he doesn't love me anymore

Xusan,

I know what you are going through, I am in the EXACT same situation with my wife. I love her dearly and I didn't treat her as I should have. I didn't do the things that people who love each other do for one another. So, just as your husband said, my wife said she is no longer in love with me.

Man, we have so much in common, my wife and I are high school sweethearts, and have been married 7.5 years. I lost my job earlier this year, and after months of unemployment, stress, and loss of our house, my wife found no happiness in life or in her relationship with me.

It's been 4 weeks since she packed my bags and left them at the front door. I am accepting the fact that she does in fact need space to work things out on her own.

In your situation, maybe you should consider a trip to your mother's house. Don't call it a separation, just think of it as a vacation for you and your husband. He can use the time and see what life is really like without you and your daughter in his life every day, and you can work on your own issues.

You sound like a wonderful person, and sincere. I also have a hard time controlling my snapping at my wife (for stupid simple questions and requests) and it is something I am going to work on.

I wish you good luck, this is a very hard time and I know exactly what you are going through. Keep yourself busy (not hard with a 4 month old) and use the time to work on yourself, exercise, and pray lots.
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Old 11-25-2008, 12:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband said he doesn't love me anymore

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Originally Posted by Xusan View Post
We gave our baby a bath, and he wanted to take one himself, right after. That's when I irrationally lost it. It was my time to get a break! I started to brood. He asked me what was wrong. I said it was the trash, and I wanted a shower. He took the baby and immediately went cold.
So when you say you irrationally lost it, are you saying that you just got upset and told him the trash was piled up and you wanted a shower? and after that he just totally shut down?

that doesnt sound like irrationally losing it to me. it sounds like you were also really stressed out. so you got angry. well, so did he. it sounds like you both just got angry and neither of you handle it very well.

i know you want to be the perfect wife and never snap at him, but i think he's kind of controlling you emotionally by becoming cold and shutting off. i dont think he's totally innocent here. and i think the reason you snap all the time is because you dont feel like you can really talk to him about anything negative b/c he'll shut you out. It sounds to me like its not just your problem.

i think he needs to be more open to the fact that you're going to have bad days and him just shutting off isnt going to help anything. maybe you feel he could help you a little more?
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Old 11-25-2008, 06:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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So when you say you irrationally lost it, are you saying that you just got upset and told him the trash was piled up and you wanted a shower? and after that he just totally shut down?

that doesnt sound like irrationally losing it to me. it sounds like you were also really stressed out. so you got angry. well, so did he. it sounds like you both just got angry and neither of you handle it very well.

i know you want to be the perfect wife and never snap at him, but i think he's kind of controlling you emotionally by becoming cold and shutting off. i dont think he's totally innocent here. and i think the reason you snap all the time is because you dont feel like you can really talk to him about anything negative b/c he'll shut you out. It sounds to me like its not just your problem.

i think he needs to be more open to the fact that you're going to have bad days and him just shutting off isnt going to help anything. maybe you feel he could help you a little more?


Also you have a new baby. My husband and I went thru a lot of the same issues as you for about the first year after our first child.
One of the things that helped was giving each other free time.
When he got home from work he got a few minutes to relax. Then he took over the baby while I got my shower and things I wanted to do.
After dinner it was back to his free time. Then time together the 3 of us. Put baby to bed, time togither for the 2 of us.
We also had the chores divided, but if I knew he was having a rough day or week, I had no problem taking out the trash.
And when I was getting overwhelmed he would clean up the kitchen for me or whatever.
We still snapped at each other a lot, but we knew we still loved each other and were still getting used to having our lives turned upside down with a new baby.
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Old 11-25-2008, 11:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and offer your advice. I've been feeling so alone and isolated. Being without my husband's affections feels like being suffocated. I'm constantly nauseated and have lost my appetite. I force myself to eat for our baby.


dcrim,

We have talked. We talked for about 3 hours after he told me he didn't love me. He said he didn't even want to come home that night. I apologized. That didn't matter. I had apologized before. He said he believed that I would change, but I just never did. He said that I must not be the person he thought I was. When I asked who he thought I was, he said, "Someone who loves me." I told him I loved him, but this did nothing.

He said he didn't want to hold me anymore, didn't want to kiss me or comfort me. He didn't want to eat the food I made. He had never felt like this. He would have swam through shark infested waters to bring me lemonade if I wanted it. (I believe him! He lived and breathed his love for me like this!) All he asked was that I love him back. He couldn't stand the abuse.

We had a turning point when I said I wished I had just called my mother and canceled our Thanksgiving plans because I knew that being around her made him uncomfortable. His tone changed then. He agreed, and seemed surprised and a little hopeful. He did eat the dinner I prepared and even told me it was really good.

Funny that you mention drinks. Neither of us drink. He doesn't because his dad is an alcoholic. He also wants to always have complete control of his faculties. That night, he said he may as well start drinking. There was just no point. This is another thing that he said that has never ever been said.


Melancholy,

I'm sorry you're going through this! I'm having such a tough time and it's only been five days. I see your wife has been gone for 4 weeks. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling.

I won't go to my mother's. I promised him that if I could have the chance to make him happy every day from now on that it would be an honor. I meant that. We both believe that love is doing whatever it takes to make the other person happy, something I had not been doing. I can't leave because that would mean taking our daughter away, who brings the purest happiness to his heart. I admit that I can't fathom being away from him either, even with things the way they are.


ljtseng,

Everything you said was right. We both got angry. I snap, he shuts down. I just figured I was irrational because I got soo angry for some trivial things.

I do need his help around the house. I feel all kinds of guilt about this because I became a stay-at-home-mom and considered the house my responsibility. I thought I could take care of everything on the domestic front. I thought I ought to...I can't. The thing is, he never expected me to. He said if the dishes were piled to the ceiling, he wouldn't care. I'm the one who gets upset that I can't do it all. Then, I snap at him for not helping out. He said he comes to me for comfort when things get tough. When things get tough for me, I lash out at him. I have been able to ask for help, nicely, saying things like, "I know you're tired, but the trash is piling up. Would you mind doing a trash run?" I always thank him when he does any sort of chore. But, sometimes, more than usual, lately, I just loose it and snap.

You're also right about him having some responsibility for going cold and shutting off. When we were kids (I was 16, he was 17), it was so much worse. He wouldn't talk at all....for days. I confronted him about it a long time ago and told him it was so hurtful for him to do that. He said it hurt him, too and promised not to ever do it again. He stayed true to that and never became silent again.

But, whenever he is hurt, he is excellent at withholding his affection. He will answer me when I ask a question, but will not volunteer information, nor will he hug, kiss, or touch me in any way. His heart is silent. We have revisited this issue, and he continues to work on it. Even now, he is talking to me. He even eats my meals and thanks me for making them. He comments that they are good. Yet, he will not touch me and becomes rigid when I reach out to hug him or touch him in any way. There is no love in his voice when he talks to me. He is shutting away the part of himself that loves me...or, I've really broken him, and it's gone.

Just thinking that is excruciating.


wantingmore,

We do have a new baby. And, she is so amazing. We love her so, so much. We knew that she would turn our lives upside down and welcomed it. I just always thought we would be taking on this challenge together. I never dreamed we would be in danger of ending our relationship! I'm so crushed and surprised that he was so hurt that he was willing to let go of day-to-day living with our daughter.

We were giving each other free time very close to the way you laid out. He was OK with this, but did get a little stressed when I left the baby with him to take a shower. If she got fussy and inconsolable, he would want to hand her back to me while I was still getting dressed. This annoyed me, and I showed it by sighing and rolling my eyes, both hurtful and counterproductive things to do. I wish I had simply let him know I needed a little more time.


Today, he left for a short business trip. He'll be flying back tonight. He said a thorough goodbye to our daughter, smiling at her, hugging her and kissing her. I was glad to see him happy and engaged with our daughter. Then it was time to say goodbye to me. He said an emotionless, "See you later," and left. We are usually very demonstrative with our affection. His cold behavior cut me, specially since he seemed to soften up a bit the night before. I want to hug him, but fear that it will make things worse. I don't know whether he wants me to reach out to him, or just not touch him at all. Sometimes I get the feeling that it's both.


Any further thoughts about what I can do to save my marriage would be wonderful. I'll reflect on what you've all already said. Thank you again for your time. It's been very helpful just to get things out.
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Old 11-25-2008, 06:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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mommy22,

Thank you! I think your advice is excellent. I'm going to make sure he comes home to his ideal home. I also plan to use your calming strategy when I feel like I might lose it. Thank you so much. I feel hopeful.
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Old 11-25-2008, 10:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband said he doesn't love me anymore

You have take the first step without knowing it. Every time things start to fall apart something about marriage like a book helps to get you in the loving mode. Stay on the forums. Everyday, I am thankful for what I have, even the worse and most stressful of days are better than a marriage that tanks.

I grew up in a household where yelling was normal, and tempers short. I didn't like it so at 15 I started to change myself. Sometimes if things started to get elevated I'd go for a walk. Other times I'd ask to wait so I could calm down and rationally say what I really wanted to say.

Talk to your husband. "I know I can improve things. Things have been hard for me. I have always loved you. Isn't 15 years worth another chance with a clean slate."

The use of I is important. When saying YOU it accuses or blames others for fault and they feel defensive. Using I is a method to keep things from escalating.

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Old 11-25-2008, 10:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Xusan,

I have two more thoughts.

First, to reemphasize what mommy22 said; men put so much of their pride and happiness in life into how well they provide for the family. Even though you may not see it, or he may not show it, an occasionally word of appreciation to your husband for taking care of you and your daughter can do a lot for him. Without this, a man can feel pointless and unloved.

Also, with a new baby and all, your husband is now dealing with a drastic change in your relationship. Of course he loves his daughter, but he is now learning how to share you. If you are breastfeeding and caring for the child all day, it is easy for him to seem like an outsider, especially when the only caretaking he can involve himself in right now is diapers and baths. You and your new baby are bonding right now and he won't get his chance until the kid is a little older. I had this same situation with my son, he never really liked me until he was 2.5yrs, and it was tough.
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Old 11-26-2008, 02:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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draconis,

Thank you for sharing those details about your childhood. I think you're trying to get me to see that I can take charge of myself, as you did. I'm determined to do this.

Also, you reminded me that my husband's childhood was much the same as yours. He had an alcoholic father who constantly yelled at him for ridiculous things. I've never seen it, but I've sadly treated my husband the same way. No wonder he's so traumatized.

I tried talking to him this morning. I told him I have always loved him, that our daughter was born of love and that I still love him. The night he told me he didn't love me anymore, he said he was so angry that I went ahead and had our daughter with him even though I didn't love him. How could I have done such a thing? But, I DO LOVE HIM! He said he would not try looking for anyone else, that no one could make him happy, that I was the closest thing.

This morning, I also told him that I know I have hobbled that love by always expecting him to step up and fill my perceived inadequacies, to do what I thought I should be doing and could not. He miraculously was able to do this -- to do the things I thought I should be doing. When he didn't I would get angry. I think this comes from guilt on my part and unrealistic expectations of myself. I would break down and either be down on myself or lash out at him, and he would come in and rescue me.

He didn't comment on anything. He said he was still not up and went back to bed. I let him go, knowing that he had a tough day and needed to go to work soon. I could tell that nothing I was saying was making any positive impact.

When he did wake up, I asked if he needed a lunch, today. I had made him one. He said, "Yes," and accepted it. At least he is still willing to take food from me. He then looked at my thermos on the table and contemplated taking it. I told him to go ahead and take it, please. He said, "No, it's yours. You'll get mad." As I assured him that I wouldn't get mad, he shuffled out the door and left for work...hurt and angry. I will not give up.


Melancholy,

I do thank him for working so hard, and tell him he is the best husband and father ever. This was one of his complaints the night we had our fight. He wondered why I always had to be at the two extremes, paying him the highest compliments, or mad at him. I really feel like I have poisoned our marriage. I just hope it's not too late to save it.

I understand what you're saying about father bonding time. I know it's so hard for him to leave her every day. She really brings happiness out in him. All it takes is one smile from her, and he's catapulted into the best mood -- smiles, laughter and love just flowing from him. That's why I was so shocked that he was willing to sever our relationship, effectively taking himself largely out of her day to day life.

Things have settled into a sort of roommate situation. I don't know if he is just coasting, or if he is working out the details on how to split. I'm so confused. He talks to me about what happened during his day, about the state of our finances, about our Thanksgiving plans. I just asked him to do me a big favor and pick up some groceries on his way home. No problem. But, there IS NO LOVE coming from him, no affection.

I shouldn't say "none". Sometimes it seem like he "slips" and accidentally becomes his old self. The other night he bumped into my knee, rubbed it and comforted me. It was the most minor of bumps, but he treated it as if I had broken something. Then, it was back to no affection. A couple nights ago, he was baking cookies. He asked me if I wanted some raw cookie dough. I said yes. He came into the living room and offered me the dough from his finger and said, "Mmmm, yum." Then, the mask came back down. I miss him so, so much.
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Old 11-26-2008, 03:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Keep positive and keep doing what you are doing without making him feel he needs to be defensive. He needs to see this over the long haul to know it isn't just to get him back. You have humbled yourself and gone towards change. Keep working on yourself and he will notice.

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Old 11-26-2008, 04:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I will definitely keep trying to make him happy. It's funny. That part isn't hard at all. It's the most gratifying thing in the world. The tough part is going without his affection, and him thinking I don't love him.
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Old 11-26-2008, 06:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I think you have described why he is so unhappy. Do you two ever enjoy a happy conversation together, just have fun? While we can all have bad days and snap at each other, and the other should help support the spouse having the bad day, I don't think your husband is getting that support in return.

Why do you snap at him? Really sit down and consider this. Generally its not the trash, or the dishes, or whatever, its something else. Are you happy? If not, then why? I think to a point I was in your place. Raising a family, working, keeping house etc. is a lot of work and stress. There were times my husband could have used a kind word or a smile, a hug, or just plain having fun. I would sometimes snap at him too. Not a lot but I could tell it hurt him. On the other hand he was giving nothing back, he was pulling away. I did sit down and think about this and wondered why I was irritated so much and I felt something was just off didn't know if it was with me or him or us...that contributed to my moods and it snowballed.

He had a part in it too, I was feeling something real. He was not doing his part in contributing to decision making and putting too much on my shoulders, not being a parther, it was unfair and too much for one person. Then when he felt overwhelmed he checked out, went out with friends and eventually had an affair (I'm not suggesting this is happening with you..this is my situation but showing you how it snowballed).

Dcrim said communication, he is right. You need to communicate with your husband and fix this but you have to fix you too. What is wrong, why are you unhappy? Are you overworked, not getting something you need, worried? Whatever these issues are work through them and resolve them together.

I don't think its too late to save it, I think one person can make a difference and that person has to be you. Commit 110% to fixing this, focus on being positive and do not let yourself get angry or snap. Listen, really listen to him and don't get defensive. Then work through the issues together. Also you need to start doing some fun things together, take off the stress, laugh together, remember why you fell in love and do it again!
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Old 11-26-2008, 07:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Xusan,

I know what you are going through, I am in the EXACT same situation with my wife. I love her dearly and I didn't treat her as I should have. I didn't do the things that people who love each other do for one another. So, just as your husband said, my wife said she is no longer in love with me.

Man, we have so much in common, my wife and I are high school sweethearts, and have been married 7.5 years. I lost my job earlier this year, and after months of unemployment, stress, and loss of our house, my wife found no happiness in life or in her relationship with me.

It's been 4 weeks since she packed my bags and left them at the front door. I am accepting the fact that she does in fact need space to work things out on her own.

In your situation, maybe you should consider a trip to your mother's house. Don't call it a separation, just think of it as a vacation for you and your husband. He can use the time and see what life is really like without you and your daughter in his life every day, and you can work on your own issues.

You sound like a wonderful person, and sincere. I also have a hard time controlling my snapping at my wife (for stupid simple questions and requests) and it is something I am going to work on.

I wish you good luck, this is a very hard time and I know exactly what you are going through. Keep yourself busy (not hard with a 4 month old) and use the time to work on yourself, exercise, and pray lots.

Melancholy:

My profession is working with executives in transition. What you have written about here is not uncommon. In fact, sadly some of the people I have worked with ended their relationship after the husband lost his job. It wasn't the wife but the husband changed, felt depressed, etc. Its very tough. I have a philosophy that it goes back to when men hunted and the women gathered. You can't "hunt" right now and thus your sense of purpose is diminished.

However, you will feel better if you take control of your situation. Do everything it takes to get another job, and don't be discouraged when you get turned down because that will happen, if not, you are not getting out there. The more action you take it will definately help.

I feel for you, I've experienced these emotions from people first hand and I don't think women are immune to it.

My husband has a business and when it slowed I took on more clients and worked very late. This made him angry at me. Angry because I was never around, true but it was more a feeling of I had to take up the slack in his opinion. I was angry about this, if I could work why wouldn't I? I felt we were a team, but he left me to pick up the kids and complained dinner wasn't ready. He was being a jerk but that's another story. He admits he was really upset by the lack of work and he did in fact take it out on me. We take it out on those we love the most.

His situation was controlling him. I told him if he didn't like it then do something about finding more business. It took awhile and he worked hard but I noticed while he was contacting people and doing something his mood improved.

If I can help, feel free to send me a private message. Meantime, I hope you can repair the relationship with your wife.
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Old 11-26-2008, 07:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks AZMom (AZ person myself). I actually got a job 2 days ago, after almost 10 months of unemployment. I am really excited because it is exactly the kind of job I wanted. I was beginning to think I would have to settle for anything, but this job came my way. I truly believe God had/has a plan for me and it apparently included me going through a long period of unemployment and struggles.

I am just praying right now that losing my wife is not in his plan for me.

I let my wife know I had gotten a job, the only response was a "congratulations" in a text message to me.
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