Husband is being so mean.
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Old 08-25-2011, 01:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband is being so mean.

We have been married for 11 years with four children. Their ages are 6, 4, and 2 year old twins. I am a stay at home mom. Before we married we agreed that we would work and save for a few years and build up our nest egg before having kids and then at that time I would be a stay at home mom until they were older. So I have been at home for a few years now. I have a degree in accounting and I do some freelance bookkeeping for a self employed friend so I do have a little money coming in that I put in a savings account for family vacation and the kid's Christmas. Raising four kids is a pretty big job, but I feel like I do it pretty well. I have always been a neat freak and have good organization skills so the house is usually pretty clean even with 4 kids. I always have dinner on the table when my husband comes in from work. I run all his errands during the week so when the weekend comes around we are able to relax and do 'weekend stuff' while all our friends that have a working wife and husband are running around playing 'catch-up' from the previous week. I love being able to be there for my kids and teaching them. Whenever we are in public people comment on how well behaved and polite they are. My husband used to appreciate all this and comment on how nice it was.

But for the last few months he has been really critical of most things I do and he keeps making remarks about 'his money' and if he thinks I spent to much money on the grocery bill (for example) he will say things like "well of course you don't care how much you spent it is not your money, you don't earn it". If I happen to actually be sitting down when he comes home from work he will say something like "it must be nice to sit around the house all day, I wish I could" Believe me, I don't spend a lot of time sitting down, I am usually on the go from morning till night. I am really hurt by this. I feel like this is an arrangement we both agreed on and if he has changed his mind he should talk to me about it and not resort to snippy remarks. I have tried to have a conversation with him about it but he refuses.

As I mentioned before I have a degree in accounting, I am not stupid about how to handle money. I pay all our bills and handle the budget. We still have money to save each month and are doing well, even in this economy, compared to a lot of people we know. I also had a SAHN myself who set a great example for me on how to stretch a dollar. I don't buy myself or the kids designer clothes or a lot of 'luxuries'. We actually live very simply. I have a small garden where I grow most of our vegetables, and also some fruit trees. I do a lot of canning to save on food bills and also because it is healthier for us and the kids. I also do arts and crafts and sew, so I make most of the gifts we give for Christmas and birthdays which saves money. I also make a few of our kids clothes. I refinish old furniture as a hobby so i don't spend outrageous amounts of money on gifts and decorating. People say we have a beautiful home and great kids. And I happen to agree.

I just don't understand why my husband is acting this way. I do everything I can to save money and to make our family life good ,but he doesn't seem happy with anything I do lately.

We used to have a great sex life with a lot of foreplay and affection, now it is all about him. He gets what he wants and then just rolls over and goes to sleep. We used to leave the kids with grandparents and go away for the weekend just the two of us every few months but he doesn't want to do that anymore.

I really need help.

Last edited by slavemom; 08-25-2011 at 01:50 PM.
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Old 08-25-2011, 02:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

You need marriage counseling.

Does he feel resentful about something?

let him know you are hurt, and that you both need to work on the marriage, do nice things for each other and take the time to appreciate what the other does.

Looking after a home and 4 small children is a huge task, and you deserve to be able to relax and have time out too.

maybe he needs to take a week off work and you should take an "emergency' trip to visit with a family member on your own, leave him with all the house work, and children and see how much he gets done.
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Old 08-25-2011, 02:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

Just curious, what is going on with his job? My husband (normally a really laid back kind of guy) can get pretty snippy and critical when the job is going badly. Are there any cutbacks at his place of employment? I am definitely not trying to excuse him in any way at all, you sound like an amazing wife (I think I need to step up my wifeliness now!), I just wondered about that aspect.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

I think that you need to point out that his job is not 24 hours a day while yours is. Then point out that if you were working as an accountant you would be making x dollars an hour. Then I would say "You can not afford me as an accountant, but you expect me to work for no salary and then complain about it?". I would then offer to go back to work full time, and let him stay home and take care of the kids. Tell him to remember that you are all doing your part as a family unit.

You sound like a great wife, with the hardest job in the world.
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Old 08-25-2011, 08:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

I'm sorry to bring it up, but some of what you are describing are commonalities of an affair. Have you considered this? It may not be but perhaps you should do some investigating. Maybe it's a middle age thing or job stress or unhappiness with something else but you should at least consider that possibility.

Him being critical in aspects that he wasn't before. Lack of interest in sex are yellow flags.
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Old 08-26-2011, 11:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

Here's another take on this. You have a very full plate, perhaps he feels left out. He wants attention, he wants you to stroke his ego by telling him how great he is. When you don't give him the attention he wants he critcizes what you are good at as a way to hurt you.
You aren't giving him what he wants so he is withdrawing away from you. This is why the quality of sex has diminished.
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Old 08-26-2011, 12:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

It may be as simple as he feels "taken for granted." He pumps out the money that allows you to live a comfortable lifestyle. Perhaps he wants more "credit" for his contributions?

Sounds like you have resentments coming from both sides of the relationship.

Are you able to pawn off the kids for a night? (I know, almost impossible with 2-year-old twins) But if you can, get them out on a Friday night and have him come home just to you. You focus on him, tell him how grateful you are for everything he does, that you want to focus on him and rock his world.

The husband, money-earner sometimes get forgotten in the hustle/bustle of kid-raising. (Yes, I know SAHMs are taken for granted, as well) But my advice would be to make a grand gesture that deflates the balloon of budding resentment that he has brewing.
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Old 08-26-2011, 03:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

Thanks for the responses.

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Originally Posted by lht285 View Post
I think that you need to point out that his job is not 24 hours a day while yours is. Then point out that if you were working as an accountant you would be making x dollars an hour. Then I would say "You can not afford me as an accountant, but you expect me to work for no salary and then complain about it?". I would then offer to go back to work full time, and let him stay home and take care of the kids. Tell him to remember that you are all doing your part as a family unit.

You sound like a great wife, with the hardest job in the world.
Yes, it is 24/7. He does help with the kids. I didn't mean to make it sound like he doesn't do anything. The kids adore him and he really is a great dad. But I do feel taken for granted sometimes.

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Originally Posted by southernmagnolia View Post
I'm sorry to bring it up, but some of what you are describing are commonalities of an affair. Have you considered this? It may not be but perhaps you should do some investigating. Maybe it's a middle age thing or job stress or unhappiness with something else but you should at least consider that possibility.

Him being critical in aspects that he wasn't before. Lack of interest in sex are yellow flags.
That thought has crossed my mine. But the possibility hurts to much to think about. I really am crazy in love with my husband. That is why I am so hurt by his recent behavior. I really do want to get this behind us before it changes my feelings for him.

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Originally Posted by 4sure View Post
Here's another take on this. You have a very full plate, perhaps he feels left out. He wants attention, he wants you to stroke his ego by telling him how great he is. When you don't give him the attention he wants he critcizes what you are good at as a way to hurt you.
You aren't giving him what he wants so he is withdrawing away from you. This is why the quality of sex has diminished.
That is a possibility, we are both very busy. Me with the kids and him with his job. Maybe we need to work at finding more couple time.

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Originally Posted by MarriedTex View Post
It may be as simple as he feels "taken for granted." He pumps out the money that allows you to live a comfortable lifestyle. Perhaps he wants more "credit" for his contributions?

Sounds like you have resentments coming from both sides of the relationship.

Are you able to pawn off the kids for a night? (I know, almost impossible with 2-year-old twins) But if you can, get them out on a Friday night and have him come home just to you. You focus on him, tell him how grateful you are for everything he does, that you want to focus on him and rock his world.

The husband, money-earner sometimes get forgotten in the hustle/bustle of kid-raising. (Yes, I know SAHMs are taken for granted, as well) But my advice would be to make a grand gesture that deflates the balloon of budding resentment that he has brewing.
Tex, it is already taken care of The boys are with my parents and the twins with his sister. Tonight it will be just the two of us and hopefully we can clear the air.
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Old 08-26-2011, 03:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

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Just curious, what is going on with his job? My husband (normally a really laid back kind of guy) can get pretty snippy and critical when the job is going badly. Are there any cutbacks at his place of employment? I am definitely not trying to excuse him in any way at all, you sound like an amazing wife (I think I need to step up my wifeliness now!), I just wondered about that aspect.
LOL, I wasn't trying to make myself sound like supermom. I was just trying to tell how hard I try and the effort I put into my family.

About his job, yes there have been some cutbacks. But his job isn't in danger. He works in the family business. His family owns a chain of four restaurants. Business has gone down some with the economy. But the restaurants are really popular with both locals and tourists. So while they are having to cut back I am sure they will make it. I know he does feel bad about letting some employees go, we all did.
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Old 08-26-2011, 11:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

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LOL, I wasn't trying to make myself sound like supermom. I was just trying to tell how hard I try and the effort I put into my family.
You do actually sound like supermom. dang. I'd love to know how to do all those things. I dont know what your H's problem is but sounds like your kids are very lucky to have you!

Although your username does suggest a hint of resentment...
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Old 08-27-2011, 03:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

I agree with Happywife40's comment. As stupid as it sounds, when my husband is feeling less than adequate as a provider, he takes it out on me by criticizing what I do. I don't condone it. I am just saying that it might be deeper than something you are doing/not doing and his being an inconsiderate so and so. I pray that it will work out for you. Pray together.
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Old 08-27-2011, 04:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

A marriage shouldn't need 'counseling'. If it does, it shouldn't even exist. I know it's hard but most women in the modern world go through it now.
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Old 08-29-2011, 02:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

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You do actually sound like supermom. dang. I'd love to know how to do all those things. I dont know what your H's problem is but sounds like your kids are very lucky to have you!

Although your username does suggest a hint of resentment...
Please don't real to much into my username, it really is based on a joke between me and my mother. I'm not saying I always feel super appreciated, but I don't feel like a slave either. I do these things because I choose to.

As for how I do it all, I am lucky to have a really good support system. I have several friends/family members who are also SAHMs and we try to help each other. For example I have two friends who come over and help me with canning from my garden because they don't have room for a garden in their yard and they are more than willing to help me in return for sharing the canned food with them. Things go a lot faster with three sets of hands picking, peeling, chopping and stirring. And their kids are older and are able to keep an eye on the younger kids while we work. I am really blessed like this, I know all SAHMs don't have a good support system and it makes it hard.

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Originally Posted by real_housewife View Post
I agree with Happywife40's comment. As stupid as it sounds, when my husband is feeling less than adequate as a provider, he takes it out on me by criticizing what I do. I don't condone it. I am just saying that it might be deeper than something you are doing/not doing and his being an inconsiderate so and so. I pray that it will work out for you. Pray together.
We had a good weekend, we really had a heart to heart Friday night after I got him to loosen up a little. It turns out that there are some things going on with his job I didn't know about. Of course I offered my support and told him I was a little hurt he didn't tell me sooner. We are suppose to be partners after all. He said he didn't want to stress me, but then the pressure started getting to him and he did start taking it out on me anyway. He did apologize profusely, but I told him I still think we need counseling to work on our communication skills and that regardless of what was going on elsewhere making the hurtful remarks to me was not acceptable.

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A marriage shouldn't need 'counseling'. If it does, it shouldn't even exist. I know it's hard but most women in the modern world go through it now.
Wow, I'm aware that everyone has their own opinion. But the purpose of this forum is to offer help and advice. I'm not sure why you would see fit to post such such a comment. Did you really thing it would help?
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Old 08-29-2011, 04:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is being so mean.

I'm glad you talked, but you still need to check his phone for a common number and his emails for a female 'friend.'
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