General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
go ahead and provide as much information as possible, especially if you'd like solid advice that applies to your problems. every post, you provide more info. don't hold back.
I don't mean to be dumb or sarcastic here, but do I need to striptease for him or wear something sexy or what? I don't know that it will help with his problem of lasting long enough. Any guy advice would be appreciated here! Also anything from the ladies if you have/are experiencing a similar deal.
I don't mean to be dumb or sarcastic here, but do I need to striptease for him or wear something sexy or what? I don't know that it will help with his problem of lasting long enough. Any guy advice would be appreciated here! Also anything from the ladies if you have/are experiencing a similar deal.
maybe. try it. i'll be honest (i try to always be!!!) a striptease might be a little much. maybe a nice lingerie. i don't think he needs any hints, and it sounds like he doesn't need to be aroused. "lasting long enough" is probably not my department. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't. i make sure business is always taken care of before we're all done.
Voivoid~
I will try your advice this evening. Last night went about as expected. He came in and went to bed. Meanwhile I was still reeling about the night before. I got a little pissy and said I guess I won't be satisfied again tonight. He went off and started yelling about me just trying to start a fight. I tried explaining that all I was doing was trying to explain to him what I needed. I definitely could have done it in a much better way. I just feel as though don't most men want to please their wives, not "blow and go?" Nonetheless, we both went to bed mad.
Voivoid~
I will try your advice this evening. Last night went about as expected. He came in and went to bed. Meanwhile I was still reeling about the night before. I got a little pissy and said I guess I won't be satisfied again tonight. He went off and started yelling about me just trying to start a fight. I tried explaining that all I was doing was trying to explain to him what I needed.
"i got a little pissy" and a sarcastic comment won't raise his arousal one iota. you want him aroused first. that's what the lingerie was for, wasn't it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by StrongEnough
I definitely could have done it in a much better way.
ya think? okay, my (very serious) question to you: how would you "do it a better way?"
"i got a little pissy" and a sarcastic comment won't raise his arousal one iota. you want him aroused first. that's what the lingerie was for, wasn't it?
ya think? okay, my (very serious) question to you: how would you "do it a better way?"
A better way would have been for me to actually initiate the foreplay or start by kissing him, rather than complain about it. I guess I am just so hurt and was still thinking about the previous night that I let it get to me.
A better way would have been for me to actually initiate the foreplay or start by kissing him, rather than complain about it. I guess I am just so hurt and was still thinking about the previous night that I let it get to me.
yes, you did let it get to you. so how about this: take a break from sex. don't do it, think about it (i know easier said than done) don't put yourself in a position where you expect it. and don't set a deadline for sex or a "drop dead date." allow him to come around. i assume he'll build up and HAVE TO want it. mostly relax, and don't put so much pressure on the act.
yes, you did let it get to you. so how about this: take a break from sex. don't do it, think about it (i know easier said than done) don't put yourself in a position where you expect it. and don't set a deadline for sex or a "drop dead date." allow him to come around. i assume he'll build up and HAVE TO want it. mostly relax, and don't put so much pressure on the act.
If I take a break and I can and will, I am sure that he will not "last" very long. This is usually how it goes in our sex life. If he goes too long without, then he "goes" quickly and we are back to square one. This problem does seem to have been more and more since his vasectomy last year. Could this be a medical condition or not? I know you aren't a doctor, but I have not been with many men and I don't know if this is the norm. I appreciate all your help!
This problem does seem to have been more and more since his vasectomy last year. Could this be a medical condition or not? I know you aren't a doctor, but I have not been with many men and I don't know if this is the norm. I appreciate all your help!
i can only tell you from experience as i am not a doctor, but after my vasectomy, i had a HUGE mental block about sex. really crazy, but i think i'm a mental case. i was scared to death to ejaculate because i had this unnatural fear that something was going to go medically wrong. i eventually got over it, but heck, i guess that proves that any sex act is at least partially mental. i don't know if that helps, but whatever.
That does help! Thank you. I have guy friends, but I do not want to overstep boundaries and ask them about something as personal as my intimate life with my husband, so I sincerely appreciate it.
I did text him today to apologize for getting upset last night and I told him that I am trying to communicate better with him to let him know what I need. His response love u. I don't think he is listening....
I did text him today to apologize for getting upset last night and I told him that I am trying to communicate better with him to let him know what I need. His response love u. I don't think he is listening....
okay, as i said i'm not a doctor, neither am i a communication expert. but listen to me please...and don't be offended, i want your marriage to succeed...
based on this thread, you are a terrible communicator. you conveniently exclude information, and use a technique known as "begging the question." you want the answer you have (maybe subconciously) pre-determined to be the one you believe is right. open up with your communication. don't guard your feelings so much. you will be a much better communicator, and the better you communicate, the better others will be able to communicate with you.
I agree, I am a terrible communicator and am not offended at all. I don't mean to exclude information at all. In fact, I am open and will answer any and all questions. It is very hard for me to lay everything out because I have kept it bottled up and tried to keep smiling to make everything seem ok that really wasn't. After 11 years of instability, I am searching for the tools that I need to make this marriage works. I did get the book Five Languages of Love and will read it. I am not sure how much I am going to be able to get him to participate, but I will try. I need to focus on improving myself. I think I guard my feelings because I don't want to be hurt. I am still extremely pissed that he filed for divorce when I was pregnant with my daughter. I can't believe that I have not "gotten over it" as he states, but I can't. It shattered every bit of stability I had and I stay guarded because that was the most painful experience of my life. He is not a very affectionate guy so the only way I feel validated (so to speak, I don't particularly like that word) is when we have sex. That really is the only time that I feel a bond between the two of us.
I am not trying to use the technique you are referring to, but now that you say it, yeah maybe I am. I guess I am looking for an answer as to why my husband doesn't want to take care of my sexual needs, just his own. I want to think it is a medical condition or something I have no control over. I don't want to think that it is because of me or because he doesn't care enough about me. I think both those things hurt.
All that being said, I am open to learning how to communicate better. I want to feel desired and wanted and loved by my husband.
His response "love u."
I don't think he is listening....
YOU'RE not listening!!! he texted you "love u." regardless of the shortness, he said what you want to hear. he said "love u" in other words "i love you."
Unfortunately it is not what I wanted to hear. Telling me he loves me is great, don't get me wrong. I wanted to hear an apology, a promise of some effort from him, an acknowledgement that he understands my needs. Something-anything that tells me he is listening.
Unfortunately it is not what I wanted to hear. Telling me he loves me is great, don't get me wrong. I wanted to hear an apology, a promise of some effort from him, an acknowledgement that he understands my needs. Something-anything that tells me he is listening.
okay. tell him that, tell him exactly what you want to hear. don't run the road of negativity when he responds positively. imagine if you were standing face to face. you say something to him that you think should evoke the response you wanted (remember "begging the question???). imagine he responded,"i love you." then you respond back, "i didn't want to hear that."
how long before he just said "f**k it, i guess i won't respond at all next time."
that's where you're taking this. communication is a skill. practice.
Re: OMG-Can't believe I am doing this 
