Arguments escalate and spiral out of control... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 06:12 PM Thread Starter
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Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

I'm not sure this is the correct forum, I'm new so if it needs to move I'll move it. Also, this is going to be a WALL of text, so thanks for slugging through it.

To give you a little background on me (and because I think it has something to do with all of this), I am wildly ADD. I do have trouble with keeping things organized unless I can keep them EXTREMELY organized. I know that sounds like an odd duality, but if you've ever known an ADD person you'll understand.

Anyway...

This past week I was gone at my grandfather's funeral. Fiancé and a friend were home, they went out together bar hopping. No problem. We have a security system at home that alerts when he or I come and go, it sends a message to the other's phone. I get a message he's home around 1:30. Cool, I was half asleep, I doze off again and then my phone beeps he's leaving. He goes at 2:30 in the morning to his ex girlfriend's place and spends the night. The next day he tells me he went over there because her teenage son had threatened her and she didn't feel safe.

I tell him how wildly NOT OKAY I am with that, although truth be told I would have been had he let me know where he was going before he went. I was extremely hurt he didn't call or text, and didn't return my calls or texts until nearly ten the following morning. He brings up the time I didn't come home from a party until 5.

I feel like that's a little different because I let him know I was going, and I was with a group. I didn't feel okay to drive so I crashed until I did. He states he doesn't believe that's what actually happened. He sites other lies I've told as his reason for his mistrust, and although I don't understand some of the things he's chosen to focus on (example, I told him once I was coming home to let the dog out and changed plans and went to dinner instead), I acknowledge he feels a certain way about it and shoulder that. I think as a result I'm much better about saying when and where I'm going someplace.

Okay, back on topic - he says we need to communicate and lay out what's appropriate in our relationship before I get "pouty" with him about going to the ex's house. I tell him I thought things like sleepovers went without saying, but okay. I don't want to get bogged down in semantics, so I suggest we get a counselor again - I feel like our arguments go in circles.

It's then brought up that I don't help him around the house enough. This has been brought up before, and I've been as conscientious as I can as of late, but I'm still not where I need to be. He lists the things he needs me to do, most of which I'm already doing, then we get to the few things I'm not and I'm feeling like lazy garbage now. I work 45 or so hours a week plus I'm going to school for 9 credits. I'm planning our wedding as well. My schedule is regimented and extremely tight, his is much more flexible although he is incredibly busy as well. Nevertheless, he can take time off to hunt for the afternoon or go have lunch with his kids at school, etc. He told me again I'm lazy and that I left forks and spoons out before I left for my trip, and that I have a pile of stuff in the bedroom he's also mad about.

I do have a pile, absolutely. I moved into his house and I have literally nowhere to put it away or organize it. I will say, it's one of many piles around the house, I feel like I can't even manage to keep one spot free of the clutter. It's so overwhelming to me, and when I stress my needs he tells me it's unrealistic with kids. He told me he's been looking for a dresser for me but I haven't been looking, so the implication is I don't care about the problem.

I told him when I have free time he could tell me what his priorities are and I would do what he wanted, literally. I'm trying really hard to keep all of my priorities handled, but I'm clearly missing helping him enough. He tells me I don't want to do things with him, which I felt was a surprise because I was asking for he and I to have a date or some alone time for awhile. I think my schedule has been getting in the way of what he wants to do, however, so I'm trying to be more conscientious there too. I've been out with a friend or friends three times in the last three months, and he pointed out all of those times as times he would have wanted to do something with me. I either didn't know or what he wanted to do was too time consuming for the window I had, I'll try to pay better attention though. I tell him that, and I tell him I feel like the worst person in the world all the time around him, like I don't even know why he wants to be with me. He has said the same thing, always in direct response to me bringing up an issue - he just says "I'm an awful boyfriend, you shouldn't even be with me then" and stops addressing the problem I feel. He sends me a text later, telling me I'm meaningful and my spirits lift.

So last night I get home, it's great at first, he picks me up at the airport and is all lovey and kissy. When we get to the house I start my backlog of homework immediately and he goes to fix a part on the truck. He's sending me texts as I'm reading and studying, but I wasn't picking up on or replying to his humor as I was stressed and busy and, yes, probably short and *****y. He comes into the room where I'm studying and I'm trying to read and I'm not being very responsive to him. He tells me I'm being *****y and pouty and when I respond I'm just trying to get my assignments done he claims he thought I was reading for pleasure. I continue to study, he goes and watches TV and is drinking as he's hanging out.

It's finally after midnight and I say I'm going to bed. He's texting me from down the hall, I'm having trouble following the texts but it's clear he's upset. I'm feeling pretty stressed too, so I curl up and try to sleep. He comes in the room, takes a handgun out of the dresser and starts messing with it. When I ask what he's doing he starts telling me he can't sleep in the same bedroom as me and then he wanders off. I'm trying to sort out what the Hell is happening when I hear the side door open and a shot, less than twenty feet from where I'm laying. I run to the side door and he's standing there, taking shots into the yard. (We live in a residential neighborhood, big yards, but not legal or really all that safe to shoot in.) I ask him what in the Hell he's doing and he says he's just shooting. He goes back to the bedroom, reloads, claims the gun is jamming and I ask him to please stop, he's scaring me. He says no. He shoots out the back bedroom door a few more times, starts telling me one bullet is different than the others, and as I'm trying to figure out what that means he tells me I can choose if the next bullet goes through his head or into the yard. (This morning he denies saying that. I don't know if he doesn't remember or what, he's typically very honest.) He shoots into the yard and then goes to get another gun and starts putting a scope on it. He mellows out, we speak civilly and he tells me to go to bed. I'm still freaked out, but I finally go to bed after getting sick and I eventually fall asleep.

This morning, after sleeping in a different room, he's telling me I'm pouty and *****y and he's not going to tolerate my disrespect. I don't know how to get it across that I don't disrespect him until he acts like how he did. I don't know how to address this without sounding pouty and *****y. I feel **** down because I'm not perfect either, and what I'm hearing is "I'm not going to stop my behavior until yours improves." So round and round we go.

I'm afraid to go to a counselor now because I feel like if I told them everything that went on he'd be in trouble. So what am I doing that's driving him so far away from where our relationship started? I'm thinking of quitting school or reducing my hours at work so I can do what he obviously needs me to do. That makes me sad, but I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know where to start.

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 06:23 PM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

He would be in trouble for misusing a weapon.

Good. He needs to be. File that report. Now.

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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 06:28 PM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

Threatening you that he would commit suicide?

I would not leave school. I would leave him.
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 06:35 PM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

Run as fast as you can. He is showing you who he is. Please believe him. You don't want to live like this.
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 06:41 PM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

Quote:
Originally Posted by TryingToDoBetter View Post
It's finally after midnight and I say I'm going to bed. He's texting me from down the hall, I'm having trouble following the texts but it's clear he's upset. I'm feeling pretty stressed too, so I curl up and try to sleep. He comes in the room, takes a handgun out of the dresser and starts messing with it. When I ask what he's doing he starts telling me he can't sleep in the same bedroom as me and then he wanders off. I'm trying to sort out what the Hell is happening when I hear the side door open and a shot, less than twenty feet from where I'm laying. I run to the side door and he's standing there, taking shots into the yard. (We live in a residential neighborhood, big yards, but not legal or really all that safe to shoot in.) I ask him what in the Hell he's doing and he says he's just shooting. He goes back to the bedroom, reloads, claims the gun is jamming and I ask him to please stop, he's scaring me. He says no. He shoots out the back bedroom door a few more times, starts telling me one bullet is different than the others, and as I'm trying to figure out what that means he tells me I can choose if the next bullet goes through his head or into the yard. (This morning he denies saying that. I don't know if he doesn't remember or what, he's typically very honest.) He shoots into the yard and then goes to get another gun and starts putting a scope on it. He mellows out, we speak civilly and he tells me to go to bed. I'm still freaked out, but I finally go to bed after getting sick and I eventually fall asleep.
Run as far away from this man as you can get. He sounds mentally unstable.
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-14-2015, 07:56 PM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

How long have you dated him? How old are the two of you?

You have not done anything to drive him to this behavior. What is happening is that now that you are living in his house, he is starting to do what all abusers do. He's starting to be abusive.

That act he pulled last night was not about him killing himself. If he was going to kill himself he would have done it. It was about threatening you. What he did is to let you know that this time he's shooting out the back door. Next time it just might be your head.

Please get away from this guy. If you do not, your life is going to be hell. In a year or so you will not even recognize yourself because you will be so beaten up emotionally and scared that you will be non-functional. That's his goal. Why? So he can control you. Abuse is always about control.

I have no doubt that your neighbors are scared to death today not knowing who was shooting or why. Please call the police and tell them what he did.

Get out of the house. So stay with a friend or family member until you can get a place of your own again. Come back later with someone and the police to get your stuff. Do not ever go near him with out the police.
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 05:03 AM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

Some people who threaten suicide kill other people.

You do not need to leave him you need to ESCAPE him ASAP!
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 05:12 AM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

He sounds absolutely ghastly. You need to get far away from this man.
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 05:33 AM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

Toying with a weapon when angry is just a catastrophe waiting to happen.
There are only a few times when your potential spouse's true/hidden personality becomes absolutely clear. Yours story is one of such times. RUN, then when you're done running, RUN as far as you can.
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 05:51 AM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

WTH. He could have killed a neighbor or passer-by. He should be in jail. He's dangerous.

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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 07:13 AM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

For the love of all things holy.

Run.

Run to the hills.

Get your stuff and run like there's no tomorrow.

You now see how he truly is.

Question - Are you happy?

If YES - You have chosen wisely!
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 09:07 AM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

Listen to everyone. He's being emotionally and verbally abusive to you and manipulative. It's only going to get worse. I've been where you are only he was going to shoot our toddler and then himself just so I would suffer the pain of losing my little girl. He was eventually diagnosed with a personality disorder. Abuse ALWAYS ESCALATES. If you know he would be angry or embarrassed for anyone to know what he has said or done, it's wrong. He will always want you to hide and excuse his behavior. There IS none.

If your friends and family knew about this, what would they say? Get the hell out, right? Those people have your best interest at heart. You have nothing invested besides some time. I'd get a restraining order to buy some time to leave and to get that on record. He's trying to put all of this on you. While noone is infallible, you are always the one trying and sacrificing, aren't you?

Please... stay safe and get out before this gets worse. It WILL get worse.

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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. Here's where things are as of today...

I only went to work for an hour or so yesterday, I was just too exhausted. When I came home he was there and asked if I was sick. I told him I couldn't word as shook up as I was. He looked at me a little funny then suggested he make me some lunch and I take a nap. Okay. I crawled into bed and slept, did my studies and then later in the evening took a bath. As I was getting ready for my bath he came in, acting perfectly normal. In fact, he's asking if I'm in a better mood, on and on. Asks if I want a glass of wine or something. I commented I was not interested in either of us drinking, I didn't want a repeat of the other night. He looks super confused, and asks, "why, we blew off some steam?"

My jaw just about hit the floor, I told him shooting out the side doors is NOT "blowing off steam." He's looking at me weird and then kind of half laughs and says, "with a wad (sp?)?? You know those weren't, like, real bullets, right??" Basically, the bullets weren't bullets, they're a cardboard blank sort of thing (I'm not that knowledgeable in this topic, I'm sure I'm getting the words wrong.) I burst into tears and asked him why he said he was going to shoot himself, and he says he doesn't remember saying that but if he did it was to be mean because he was so sure I just hated him for the ex girlfriend situation and that I was being mean to him to take it out on him. I'm sobbing now, he's holding me, and he's apologizing for scaring me by saying something like that especially when I thought he had real bullets loaded.

That night he agreed a counselor is order, and he also promised not to drink while we're together for awhile. He has an ex who was physically abusive to both him and his children and he agrees his anger continues to escalate in a way that's abusive. He said if I needed to move out for awhile he'd understand and pay for a place (I can afford it on my own, but that was still nice).

Anyway, I'm not ready to give up yet, so thank you and please keep commenting, this is good support for me.
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 03:24 PM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

Interesting. I'm not sure if he's telling the truth about the bullets, but you're absolutely right about the fact that it's NOT a normal way to blow off steam. His behavior sounds like someone trying to manipulate their spouse into thinking they're "over-reacting" and crazy. Because opening a door and shooting blanks into the yard (if that's really what they were) is perfectly normal. I'm not a gun-owner, but this doesn't sound like normal, safe gun-handling. Not in a rural area. I would think if you wanted to blow-off steam with a gun, you go to a shooting range or somewhere private and safe.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like your BF/fiancée is trying to appease you by "agreeing" to see a counselor. He may want to put you at ease because he realized you "caught" him at your sense of danger/panic is kicking in. I would still be very careful. Anyone can go to a counselor and act normal for awhile, lay low until you feel everything is okay again.

But maybe it was a one time incident. Regardless, I think seeing a counselor is a good thing. Maybe by yourself first, so he can't persuade the IC that you're overreacting and manipulate the situation to seem like he's the sane one.
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-15-2015, 07:02 PM
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Re: Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...

You're not married to him. Leave.

Trust the advice that's being given - leave and get a restraining order while you're at it because that guy is nucking futs.
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