Arguments escalate and spiral out of control...
I'm not sure this is the correct forum, I'm new so if it needs to move I'll move it. Also, this is going to be a WALL of text, so thanks for slugging through it.
To give you a little background on me (and because I think it has something to do with all of this), I am wildly ADD. I do have trouble with keeping things organized unless I can keep them EXTREMELY organized. I know that sounds like an odd duality, but if you've ever known an ADD person you'll understand.
This past week I was gone at my grandfather's funeral. Fiancé and a friend were home, they went out together bar hopping. No problem. We have a security system at home that alerts when he or I come and go, it sends a message to the other's phone. I get a message he's home around 1:30. Cool, I was half asleep, I doze off again and then my phone beeps he's leaving. He goes at 2:30 in the morning to his ex girlfriend's place and spends the night. The next day he tells me he went over there because her teenage son had threatened her and she didn't feel safe.
I tell him how wildly NOT OKAY I am with that, although truth be told I would have been had he let me know where he was going before he went. I was extremely hurt he didn't call or text, and didn't return my calls or texts until nearly ten the following morning. He brings up the time I didn't come home from a party until 5.
I feel like that's a little different because I let him know I was going, and I was with a group. I didn't feel okay to drive so I crashed until I did. He states he doesn't believe that's what actually happened. He sites other lies I've told as his reason for his mistrust, and although I don't understand some of the things he's chosen to focus on (example, I told him once I was coming home to let the dog out and changed plans and went to dinner instead), I acknowledge he feels a certain way about it and shoulder that. I think as a result I'm much better about saying when and where I'm going someplace.
Okay, back on topic - he says we need to communicate and lay out what's appropriate in our relationship before I get "pouty" with him about going to the ex's house. I tell him I thought things like sleepovers went without saying, but okay. I don't want to get bogged down in semantics, so I suggest we get a counselor again - I feel like our arguments go in circles.
It's then brought up that I don't help him around the house enough. This has been brought up before, and I've been as conscientious as I can as of late, but I'm still not where I need to be. He lists the things he needs me to do, most of which I'm already doing, then we get to the few things I'm not and I'm feeling like lazy garbage now. I work 45 or so hours a week plus I'm going to school for 9 credits. I'm planning our wedding as well. My schedule is regimented and extremely tight, his is much more flexible although he is incredibly busy as well. Nevertheless, he can take time off to hunt for the afternoon or go have lunch with his kids at school, etc. He told me again I'm lazy and that I left forks and spoons out before I left for my trip, and that I have a pile of stuff in the bedroom he's also mad about.
I do have a pile, absolutely. I moved into his house and I have literally nowhere to put it away or organize it. I will say, it's one of many piles around the house, I feel like I can't even manage to keep one spot free of the clutter. It's so overwhelming to me, and when I stress my needs he tells me it's unrealistic with kids. He told me he's been looking for a dresser for me but I haven't been looking, so the implication is I don't care about the problem.
I told him when I have free time he could tell me what his priorities are and I would do what he wanted, literally. I'm trying really hard to keep all of my priorities handled, but I'm clearly missing helping him enough. He tells me I don't want to do things with him, which I felt was a surprise because I was asking for he and I to have a date or some alone time for awhile. I think my schedule has been getting in the way of what he wants to do, however, so I'm trying to be more conscientious there too. I've been out with a friend or friends three times in the last three months, and he pointed out all of those times as times he would have wanted to do something with me. I either didn't know or what he wanted to do was too time consuming for the window I had, I'll try to pay better attention though. I tell him that, and I tell him I feel like the worst person in the world all the time around him, like I don't even know why he wants to be with me. He has said the same thing, always in direct response to me bringing up an issue - he just says "I'm an awful boyfriend, you shouldn't even be with me then" and stops addressing the problem I feel. He sends me a text later, telling me I'm meaningful and my spirits lift.
So last night I get home, it's great at first, he picks me up at the airport and is all lovey and kissy. When we get to the house I start my backlog of homework immediately and he goes to fix a part on the truck. He's sending me texts as I'm reading and studying, but I wasn't picking up on or replying to his humor as I was stressed and busy and, yes, probably short and *****y. He comes into the room where I'm studying and I'm trying to read and I'm not being very responsive to him. He tells me I'm being *****y and pouty and when I respond I'm just trying to get my assignments done he claims he thought I was reading for pleasure. I continue to study, he goes and watches TV and is drinking as he's hanging out.
It's finally after midnight and I say I'm going to bed. He's texting me from down the hall, I'm having trouble following the texts but it's clear he's upset. I'm feeling pretty stressed too, so I curl up and try to sleep. He comes in the room, takes a handgun out of the dresser and starts messing with it. When I ask what he's doing he starts telling me he can't sleep in the same bedroom as me and then he wanders off. I'm trying to sort out what the Hell is happening when I hear the side door open and a shot, less than twenty feet from where I'm laying. I run to the side door and he's standing there, taking shots into the yard. (We live in a residential neighborhood, big yards, but not legal or really all that safe to shoot in.) I ask him what in the Hell he's doing and he says he's just shooting. He goes back to the bedroom, reloads, claims the gun is jamming and I ask him to please stop, he's scaring me. He says no. He shoots out the back bedroom door a few more times, starts telling me one bullet is different than the others, and as I'm trying to figure out what that means he tells me I can choose if the next bullet goes through his head or into the yard. (This morning he denies saying that. I don't know if he doesn't remember or what, he's typically very honest.) He shoots into the yard and then goes to get another gun and starts putting a scope on it. He mellows out, we speak civilly and he tells me to go to bed. I'm still freaked out, but I finally go to bed after getting sick and I eventually fall asleep.
This morning, after sleeping in a different room, he's telling me I'm pouty and *****y and he's not going to tolerate my disrespect. I don't know how to get it across that I don't disrespect him until he acts like how he did. I don't know how to address this without sounding pouty and *****y. I feel **** down because I'm not perfect either, and what I'm hearing is "I'm not going to stop my behavior until yours improves." So round and round we go.
I'm afraid to go to a counselor now because I feel like if I told them everything that went on he'd be in trouble. So what am I doing that's driving him so far away from where our relationship started? I'm thinking of quitting school or reducing my hours at work so I can do what he obviously needs me to do. That makes me sad, but I'm not sure what else to do. I don't know where to start.