marriagesucks

I am stressed. and worried.

My husband is a "functioning" alcoholic, who I have begun to realize has bouts of depression.

His depression seems to be getting more serious in that they happen with more frequency. Plus he has a new job (he works in sales from home) that keeps him very busy. Going on two weeks he wakes up late and by 11:30 he leaves for the bar. This week he as been coming home earlier (around 2:30 pm) but goes straight upstairs and falls asleep. He doesn't check his messages. I read his work email and his boss is asking him if he called so and so back. It's Wednesday and he has "worked" for about 2 hours. He is in the middle of a very important business deal.

Today at 6pm I tried to wake him up to ask him what was wrong. He got up and put on clothes and went back to the bar. If this lasts much longer his job will be in jeopardy. I am very concerned for his health. Is he lethargic because of his liver failing? Is it only that he is depressed? I don't work and I am afraid to leave the house because I worry about leaving him alone or not being here when he comes back.

Before he would tell me that he feels bad (emotionally). But now he won't say anything is wrong. Just to leave him alone. I feel helpless. I rely on him to keep a roof over our heads as I don't work.

He is very private, but should I tell others for help? Should I hope he just snaps out of this in a couple days? I don't necessarily want to spread dirty laundry. I'd rather keep my problems to myself, but the weight on my shoulders is so heavy. I am drowning!

nicam

Hi,

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. Alcoholism is a nasty, progressive disease, and destroys everything it comes in contact with.

YOU cannot do anything to fix or control this. You and he both are powerless over this addiction. One does not "snap out" of this, and usually addiction (alcoholism) is merely a symptom of other underlying issues (depression, and who knows what else in his case).

My mother was a "functioning alcoholic", and I watched her VERY slowly deteriorate over the years. She did not stop drinking until last year after 30 years. She had lost everything by then.

He has to really want it for himself, and oftentimes we as significant others or family members do more harm than good by not letting go and detaching. We enable, clean up their messes, cushion them from the falls, and inevitably prolong the inevitable.

Don't know if you know about this, but here is a REALLY great forum for friends and family of alcoholics. I think that is a more appropriate place for you queries. A place where you can get some real answers specific to your situation.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hugs, and best of luck to you. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent or talk.

marriagesucks

Thanks for your words. Yeah, I am on sober recovery too. I know he can't snap out of alcoholism. The problem is he get depressed and stops working. Because he has a more demanding new job with a new company, he is not able to "hide" away for a few days without it going un-noticed. The last time it happened it boss asked him what was wrong when he wasn't responding to calls. He was able to find an excuse and finally it passed after 2 weeks. That was this winter. Now it is happening again.

Being a functioning alcoholic he is actually able to be one of the top sales guys in his company for years. Since he met me he has been doing exponentially better and he is more financially comfortable than when I met him. That is because I keep him on track. When I am not around for the weekend, he sometimes goes on drinking binges.

Going back to the problem. I guess when you are depressed, you loose interest in everything. The last time he threatened to quit his job. It was very scary. When he is depressed like this he drinks to make himself feel better. (He told me that the last time.) I am just hoping he snaps out of his depression before he looses his job.

I am concerned because he is not eating. I think he drinks less because he spends so much time sleeping. It's like he can't stay awake. I made him a delicious dinner that he loved and he only picked at it after not eating much all day. 95% of his diet is beer. I told him I am going to call his doctor in the morning. I am scared for his health.

Halien

Some companies have options for dealing with alcoholism, allowing medical leaves. Does he have online access to his company's benefits and support programs? I'm just wondering if he could at least save the job by asking for help. As a supervisor in the past, I once got a call from the wife of an employee in a similar situation, and we were able to at least take away the fear of loss of employment, even though he didn't get full pay through the ordeal. I know its a scary call to make, but I'm just wondering if you are aware of any options with his employer.

If you have doubts, perhaps you can also call your closest department of labor to see if there are state provisions for employment when alcoholism/depression occur. In a few states, the only reason that people may lose their job is because the employee or family member doesn't seek to work with the employer and they have no choice. Depending on your state, the department of labor might give you advice about whether you should notify the employer.

I really wish the best for you as you go through this.

Cross

He sounds like a lazy drunk. Go listen to the song what do you do with a drunken sailor.
Really, it may also be something medical and it's good you are getting him checked out. There's definitely something wrong. The alchy's I knew were always able to function all day, even while drinking.

Best of luck, OP. You sound like a very nice and accommodating person. I think that may be the issue. Be a bit less so.