Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 06:43 AM Thread Starter
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Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

Anyone here spending the Christmas and NYE alone without wife/hubby, GF/BF?

Why? What's the feeling like? How do you intend spending the holidays without your spouse/SO?


For me...

Why: My GF is spending the holidays with her family

What it feels like: We had a misunderstanding just before she left. I love her much and miss her too, but I am giving her some space.

How I'll spend the holidays: Evaluating the relationship and doing lots of reading. I've also got a stash of movies to see!


What's yours...

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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 06:59 AM
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

That is one tough situation. My wife works a iot of long hours this time of the year but her employer makes sure they get the big day off. I'm doing things with the kids. Thinking of having pizzas for Christmas eve. I'm involved in a couple of church/civic things that need some time. Also thinking about summer vacation plans when we will be able to spend days together.

Sure I would rather be sleeping in with her, but since she is at work, I may as well swim.
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

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Sure I would rather be sleeping in with her, but since she is at work, I may as well swim.
Awww...glad you have kids to keep your heart warm

#pleasedonotswim
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 09:08 AM
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

I have spent several Christmas days without h over the last few years, but this year, as soon as I can break away from work this afternoon, I am in a sprint to finish rough drafts of my dissertation chapters before we go back to work January 4. The drafts can be turned in to my advisor on January 19th, the first day of class, but if I don't take advantage of this 12 days of peace and quiet I won't be able to work on anything other than work once we go back to work. My boss is very dependent upon me and we have a couple of big significant events in late January. Finishing the rough drafts will be my Christmas present to myself, and after one more semester of fine-tuning them and defending, I can have my life back!

My family's tradition has always been to gather as a group the weekend after Christmas, so I usually see all my siblings and their kids, and we bring the kiddos gifts. It makes the season last longer and it spared us all meeting on Christmas Eve and teaching the kids that Christmas was a 24-hour period of ripping gift boxes open (which we realized we were doing when the kids were little). My Mom was often at the center of it, but with her gone now, my siblings are creating new traditions. My sister said she would like to see me, and I have an adult niece dying to see me, but this would have been my 10th wedding anniversary (my h and I married in my home state on one of those holiday weekends). So while I want to finish the drafts of the dissertation for fine-tuning in the spring, it is also convenient cover to avoid the usual holiday traditions in the face of all the loss of this year.

But there is still a part of me that wants to be in that resort hotel getting a massage on the 10th anniversary of the two days we stayed there when we got married. So I'm torn. My dissertation drafts would be a great Christmas present to myself. If I get enough done, I may go to the hotel and avoid the family (some of whom only live twenty minutes away), but then I'll just feel guilty, after driving 8 hours and not dropping in on them. Still, I sort of need a "me" break.

LOL!
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

@TeddieG...where's your hubby in all of this? As in where will he be, doing what, while you're up about finishing the draft of your dissertation?
I also didn't see much mention (if any) of your kids.

I earnestly hope you get to finish that draft. I am using the holidays to prepare for some exams too.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 09:55 AM
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

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Originally Posted by bb-jay View Post
@TeddieG...where's your hubby in all of this? As in where will he be, doing what, while you're up about finishing the draft of your dissertation?
I also didn't see much mention (if any) of your kids.

I earnestly hope you get to finish that draft. I am using the holidays to prepare for some exams too.
@bb-jay, he filed for divorce in early October, it was final December 8, and before the divorce was awarded, he "married" his OW (the marriage isn't legal, as he was still married to me, and even after the divorce, he wouldn't be allowed to marry in this state for six months after). The OW is about the mental and emotional age of a twelve-year-old, with a ten-year old son. She's been married three times and had this last kid when her two older ones were aging out and her child support was about to end; the baby daddy wouldn't marry her. She and my h are both very unstable people at the moment.

I realize now your thread is for people in relationships, but I sort of am having a hard time realizing I'm divorced, which is why I want to go to the resort hotel and say "goodbye" to my relationship. But I also have the weirdest feeling that I will hear from h over the holidays and he will contact me right on the eve of the day we would normally have left for my home state.

His kids are in other states, and we generally haven't made the trip to see them in past years; we go in the summer. I've been their stepmom for 20 years and their kiddos are precious; I sent gifts to one batch of them, and h sends money to the other one of our boys who has kids so that he can pick out things for their Christmas. We live about 1200 miles away from his family.

H hasn't told the family about the divorce or the new "marriage," so they all think he's still here with me. It is a long story involving a lot of mental illness, physical issues, surgeries and personality change after anesthesia . . . and his family would write him off if they knew. They told him years ago OW would never be welcome.

I do think, as do many of my friends, that when he returns to normalcy or wakes up and realizes what he's done, he'll come back, and he's already showing signs of regret because I told him that divorce would mean an end to him coming and going, but I don't see it happening for a long time. But his illnesses and surgeries (MAJOR surgery for an aneurysm, he nearly died on the table, plus three or four procedures in 2007 for kidney stones; that's when his decline began, unraveling him in the face of his already existing bi polar disorder) delayed my dissertation completion (I'm on year 8, and usually after 8 or 9 years the Graduate College Dean requires people to repeat their comps, which I don't want to do, and my committee doesn't want me to do, and he gave me conditional approval to have this additional year, so long as I have drafts and defend in the spring, so I am glad h is out of the picture for the time being). And I had my own surgeries, including the removal of an eye, so reading and writing can be stressful, or tiring, and I have to do it in spurts. And my job is demanding, so I really need to do this. Of course, I'm being a little whiny about having to spend my holiday break this way, but if I finish the dissertation I can look for teaching jobs, and this break will give me a glimpse of what I always wanted to do. If I don't get it done this year, I'm going to quit and not finish it.

Thanks for asking! I hope you make some real progress on studying for those exams. They are SOOO stressful. Maybe we can both make some serious progress and be uniquely poised to face the New Year with confidence and a renewal of our dreams.

Last edited by TeddieG; 12-23-2015 at 10:00 AM.
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:08 AM
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

i missed halloween and thanksgiving, and will miss christmas and new years... maybe valentines day. not sure.

im away on business. i may get to skype for christmas and see my daughter open christmas presents. ill have to wait and see how that turns out.

"The ecologist is continually having to look at the aspects of nature with which he is unfamiliar and perforce must be an amateur for much of his working time.... professionals may carp at omissions, misconstructions, or even downright errors in these pages. perhaps ultimately they may forgive them for the sake of the overall vision that only the amateur, or the ecologist, blithely sets out to experience."G. Evelyn Hutchinson
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

Wow!

@TeddieG I am so sorry about your situation. I also pray you find the strength and motivation you need to cross the finish line for your dissertation...and genuine, passionate love too!
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

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Originally Posted by As'laDain View Post
i missed halloween and thanksgiving, and will miss christmas and new years... maybe valentines day. not sure.

im away on business. i may get to skype for christmas and see my daughter open christmas presents. ill have to wait and see how that turns out.
That's one heck of a business trip! What about your spouse? What is it like being away from your spouse for so long...how are you coping?
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:22 AM
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

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Originally Posted by bb-jay View Post
Wow!

@TeddieG I am so sorry about your situation. I also pray you find the strength and motivation you need to cross the finish line for your dissertation...and genuine, passionate love too!
@bb-jay, thank you! I need all the prayers, strength, energy, and motivation I can get!! Sending a good thought your way for the exam preparation as well. I just got an email from a Latin professor who found a student who can do some translation for me, so that has lit a fire under me. I can't wait to see what this document says, and my Latin isn't good enough for me to plow through it over the break. Things are looking up.

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:26 AM
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

My wife didn't even mention hanging on NYE so I'm headed to the Casino...I'm only PLAN A or PLAN HOT...HA! DUDE
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:27 AM
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

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That's one heck of a business trip! What about your spouse? What is it like being away from your spouse for so long...how are you coping?
now that you ask what it is like... i find it hard to describe. the days seem long, but the weeks and months fly by. my wife is at home and will be spending the holidays with her family and our daughter.

ETA: i cope by staying busy as much as i can.

"The ecologist is continually having to look at the aspects of nature with which he is unfamiliar and perforce must be an amateur for much of his working time.... professionals may carp at omissions, misconstructions, or even downright errors in these pages. perhaps ultimately they may forgive them for the sake of the overall vision that only the amateur, or the ecologist, blithely sets out to experience."G. Evelyn Hutchinson
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

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My wife didn't even mention hanging on NYE so I'm headed to the Casino...I'm only PLAN A or PLAN HOT...HA! DUDE
What did you do to your wife?

...don't get burned
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:36 AM
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

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What did you do to your wife?

...don't get burned
She doesn't even CARE to hang w me, so must find something to do myself. I didn't do anything wrong...DUDE
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 12-23-2015, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Anyone without their spouse/SO for the Holidays?

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Originally Posted by As'laDain View Post
now that you ask what it is like... i find it hard to describe. the days seem long, but the weeks and months fly by. my wife is at home and will be spending the holidays with her family and our daughter.

ETA: i cope by staying busy as much as i can.
Hope you have a nice soft pillow to cuddle with in the meantime?

You sure have some making up to do to Mrs. As'laDain
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