I Really Need To Vent!!!
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Old 12-01-2008, 03:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I Really Need To Vent!!!

Both my hellos (and condolences) to anyone who may read this.... I am so frustrated, I simply have to vent myself or go out of my mind!

This will be long, so I may write this in a couple of different sittings. Please understand that I have never opened up like this publicly before and I'm also very much ashamed of myself for so much of this.....

My husband and I met only a couple of months before my 18th b'day, he was a couple of months past 26. He had moved to the south from the northeast, and we met when I joined a band that he was already involved with. I was never "officially" asked for a date till I had my 18th b'day. Initially, he was a gentleman... in some ways.

I knew he had a girlfriend back at home in the northeast, but that was pretty much it. I wish I had been so much smarter right from the beginning... that very summer I had gone to stay with my brother in Ohio so I could find work. At the time, it was more like "dating" and no real commitment of sorts. During the 6 keeks or so that I was there, I would go home on the weekends when I could, and he visited me once in OH. We also exchanged letters a couple of times, but one of his letters asked me to please stay in OH that coming wk-end, because "she" was flying in and would be there for a week and that it would cause some hard times (for him, of course!) Stupid me.... I had the opportunity to go home, but didn't. I wish I could turn the clock!!! Needless to say, that was only the beginning....

When I did come back home and back with the band, everyone was telling me about "her" as if I hadn't known. (I really did feel ashamed, even then.) But I had really grown to care deeply for this man and was willing to take the chance with him. By Halloween, he had told me that he loved me. I still wasn't ready to tell him my true feelings for him... so I didn't, not yet. By Christmas, I had told him, and he took it upon himself to break up with his "fiance" during his visit back home for Christmas.

We had some great times and had so much in common, it seemed. By the next summer, I felt like we were both still in love and we were getting along so well. He even brought me back east with him to meet his family and friends. I also had my 19th b'day while there. He was living in a little cabin that had been fixed up nicely - his father and his family were living in their new log home farther up on the hill - (his father was on his 3rd marrage at the time). During one of my visits at the cabin, he rec'd a phone call, and I was right there in the same room, hearing much of what was being said, yet not really paying much attention either. But I did hear him say, "You have kidney stones?" When the conversation was over, he mentioned that he had been talking with his friend Fra*kie. (I had also met this friend when I had visited back east.) Then I went on to say, "How's he doing?" (I did not want to make him think that I had paid attention to ANYthing he had said.) He said, "Oh, he's fine." That struck me as being very "odd" since I had heard a tad of the conversation. Then I said, "Does Frankie have kidney stones?" He said, "I don't think so." By now, I knew something wasn't right, and I just told him what I had heard him say. He was like, "Well, yeah I guess he does." Ok, so that was the very first major lie that I know about..... and I was wise enough to know that he had lied for a reason!!

I kept low about it for awhile, till one day when I had the opportunity, and yes, I did my first smart thing... I looked over a bunch of papers and letters that he had on his dresser. And because of my knawing gut feeling, what I discovered didn't really come as a huge surprise... he had a letter from an old girlfriend (actually his very first one), and you might have guessed... I read it! She is telling him about having kidney stones, etc... Ah-ha! Now I was on to him! Then I knew what he was capable of and I also learned that my "gut-feeling" was to be trusted. (What else should I most likely need to know??) I then started checking out his drawers, and I came across the engagement ring he had got back from his fiance during Christmas, and the paperwork was with it.... he had purchased it and had the stone set the very week I was asked to stay in OH... remember that???

As I type this, I almost feel like I'm reliving it... and I feel like I could just walk away!!! But that didn't happen....and I can't change that.

Our relationship was up and down after that, and I was seeing more and more out of him that I didn't appreciate or like. I would also let him know! (I might mention that I really had virgin ears when I first met him, and he was accustomed to using the "F" word. When he had used it the first couple of times, I felt uncomfortable and I asked him to please not say it, I didn't like hearing it at all. But he continued and continued and now ... nearly 35 years later, I believe that I can outcurse him any time!)

That Fall ('75), I went to stay with my brother and his family who lived in MI. Work was plentiful there and I got a decent job. We kept in touch by phone and letters. Once, I came home for a weekend also. We knew it was only temporary, so even though I missed him dearly, it still seemed worth it... till he got himself his own place in another county. He asked me to come back and move in with him, or "I'll get someone else to." Ok.... that was the first threat. I did leave and move in with him, despite my mother's deep religous beliefs and the fact that she wouldn't even let me come to her house for a visit! Then, about 2 months later, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby, but he wanted NOTHING to do with it!!! He suggested an abortion, and "girls have them all the time." I resisted, because I felt it was wrong. Yet, in the back of my mind, I knew it would be hard, I'd have to face my family, especially my mother and I felt I wouldn't have much support. Still, I wanted to keep it and after our relationship of 2 years, I just felt he should have accepted it. (By this time he was turning 28!) He then threatened me with, "I'll get a bunch of guys to all say they've slept with you!!" Whoa! That really blew me away.... and it hurt so dang bad. I had NEVER given any reason for him to even think I had been with another guy, let alone mention "a bunch!" I was just shocked at his determination to not have the baby, and how could he do that to me? (I am still fighting with myself over that whole ordeal today!!!) I had nothing to fear about who it belonged to, I hadn't been with anyone.... but I did fear the fact that I would be raising it alone, and feeling like I wouldn't have gotten the emotional support from my mother and possibly other family members, that I very much needed... I can't even put into words how "alone" I felt. Plus, any arguments we had were beginning to be more of a "fight" and he was becoming more physically agressive (now, I know it's called ABUSIVE!) The pregnacy was terminated ON his 28th b'day. (1976) I am ashamed of myself for so many things, but this is the worst.... I am still beating myself up over it!

I will am off for some much needed sleep, and I will write more later.
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Old 12-01-2008, 06:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Need To Vent!!!

well first thing here, your talking about it, something you havent done really properly in a while and for your own personal reasons.
i dont know if my words wil help, but what you feel wont ever go.
its because its your life.
i'll be honest here, but my occupation involves doing terminations, i dont like it and thats that.
but one thing i can say for myself is im the best nurse i can be.
i dont judge my patients for their reasons, because there are 2 sides of the coin , the good and the bad and the reason in between.

my first H was violent and emotionally abusive. we split up and a few months later i caught pregnant ( he came back looking for me and i slept with him - wrong reasons )- not knowing id been pregnant until i miscarried in the december. that was 1998 .
(point i make there is - you wont forget dates, because its personal to you).
i was sad at the time, but relief at the same time, can you really imagine having a person in your life, that would ruin you more.
a man that wouldnt want you, but probably have used the child for his own means to cause further trauma and heartache in your life, because thats what you would have had.
i believe things happen for a reason.
i wasnt meant to have my baby and my ex would have made my life a living hell.
i see that i had a chance to be reborn when i lost my child. away from a painful life that could have been.
imagine your child and a father that didnt want it , but later on came back in its life and took it from you. how would you feel?
you would have more trauma in your life had you had kept it.
it wasnt the right time for you!
i am sorry for your trauma. its definately burdoned you.
in my occupation , i see some awful stories. but each decision seems to be validated whether we like it or not.
but its not for others to judge you. they have their own lives and you must remember that.
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Old 12-01-2008, 10:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Really Need To Vent!!!

sounds like you are at the "anger" stage of the grieving process. the process is very healthy. and it seems you do have basis for anger, regardless of how you arrived there.
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