General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My question is what traits would your WIFE look for in a husband (i.e., YOU)?
If you don't know, maybe you should find out, because it could be possible that you may not be living up to her desires, either.
Ah, my bad. I would guess she wants someone who isn't too in touch with emotion (not me), not very sexual or into affection (not me), someone smart, funny, helpful, supportive (me, me, etc.), someone with no debt (definitely not me), makes more money, has no kids or crazy ex. So I guess I'm about 30% of what I perceive she wants.
The problem is getting her to articulate any of these is very difficult. She hates to discuss it and avoids straight answers or even having the discussion. I honestly haven't tried to find out in a long time, so maybe she wants to now, but I would be pretty shocked.
Ah, my bad. I would guess she wants someone who isn't too in touch with emotion (not me), not very sexual or into affection (not me), someone smart, funny, helpful, supportive (me, me, etc.), someone with no debt (definitely not me), makes more money, has no kids or crazy ex. So I guess I'm about 30% of what I perceive she wants.
The problem is getting her to articulate any of these is very difficult. She hates to discuss it and avoids straight answers or even having the discussion. I honestly haven't tried to find out in a long time, so maybe she wants to now, but I would be pretty shocked.
Would she be willing to try something where you work on it together? Such as going through the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and working through the questionnaires that are on the marriagebuilders.com website that would let you both articulate what each of your needs are?
What do you think it would take from you to get her to be willing to discuss this? What would you be willing to do to try and get her to that point? Like I said on a different thread today, you may have to shake it up to wake her up.
Would she be willing to try something where you work on it together? Such as going through the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and working through the questionnaires that are on the marriagebuilders.com website that would let you both articulate what each of your needs are?
What do you think it would take from you to get her to be willing to discuss this? What would you be willing to do to try and get her to that point? Like I said on a different thread today, you may have to shake it up to wake her up.
Best wishes.
I do appreciate the resources. Frankly it may take me saying that I'm about to check and make other plans. Either we work on this and here's what we can do or we go our own ways. I definitely need to do that before I buy a house with her.
Thirdtime has a point though. It's not all on me to make this thing work. If she's willing to consistently (consistency has been a big problem) meet me half way and make an effort, I'm in and I'll keep trying. There is a tiny glimmer of hope there, but I'm not real excited about the chances. Doesn't mean I'm unwilling to try. However, if I'm trying and she's not then... I'm out.
That may well be true Enchantment, however even if it were, it still does not excuse his wife from being passive and apathetic about their situation.
Agreed.
But it often takes one person to make that first move and try and break the stalemate, and it sounds like qigong is the one here asking for help, so he gets my vote for making that move. Hope his wife will wake up as a result.
I do appreciate the resources. Frankly it may take me saying that I'm about to check and make other plans. Either we work on this and here's what we can do or we go our own ways. I definitely need to do that before I buy a house with her.
Or before you have any children together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by qigong
Thirdtime has a point though. It's not all on me to make this thing work. If she's willing to consistently (consistency has been a big problem) meet me half way and make an effort, I'm in and I'll keep trying. There is a tiny glimmer of hope there, but I'm not real excited about the chances. Doesn't mean I'm unwilling to try. However, if I'm trying and she's not then... I'm out.
Agree. But someone has to make the first move - the first step, so why not let that be you? If she consistently refuses to participate to try and improve anything, well, then you have your answer. But you're only 2 years in to what sounds like a tough situation for her. I would suggest trying to exhaust all possibilities so you can walk away, if necessary, with a clear conscience.
She doesn't want any and I'm done. Mine are 12 & 14.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment
Agree. But someone has to make the first move - the first step, so why not let that be you? If she consistently refuses to participate to try and improve anything, well, then you have your answer. But you're only 2 years in to what sounds like a tough situation for her. I would suggest trying to exhaust all possibilities so you can walk away, if necessary, with a clear conscience.
Best wishes.
Fair enough. I've heard the same advice from a friend before, but it seems like I'm kicking a dead horse. I guess we'll find out.
Oh gosh....good catch!!!! DON'T have children, nor buy a house....I did both of those....stupid me, still paying the price!! Please learn from my foolishness!
Oh gosh....good catch!!!! DON'T have children, nor buy a house....I did both of those....stupid me, still paying the price!! Please learn from my foolishness!
The problem is getting her to articulate any of these is very difficult. She hates to discuss it and avoids straight answers or even having the discussion. I honestly haven't tried to find out in a long time, so maybe she wants to now, but I would be pretty shocked.
The way you approach this is to sit down with her and tell her 'this isn't working for me. I'm not happy. You don't seem to be happy. But I don't want to give up this marriage. I know you don't like to get into these things, but we're going to have to if we're going to stay married. I have these questionnaires I found from a site that helps people get back on track. We can fill them out, and then I can learn what's going on that's making you unhappy, so I can change it. Will you?' (as you put them in her hands)
That may well be true Enchantment, however even if it were, it still does not excuse his wife from being passive and apathetic about their situation.
We only have his side of the story. It's just as likely that she's so full of resentment and disappointment in this marriage that she sees no reason to try any more.
We only have his side of the story. It's just as likely that she's so full of resentment and disappointment in this marriage that she sees no reason to try any more.
Yes, very true!! On such internet sites, it is safel assumed that our responses are based only on what we were told by the OP. For all we know, he beats the hell out of her with a loaded gun, and blows cigar smoke rings in her face. But I do get what you mean.....lol
Oh gosh....good catch!!!! DON'T have children, nor buy a house....I did both of those....stupid me, still paying the price!! Please learn from my foolishness!
Yes, very true!! On such internet sites, it is safel assumed that our responses are based only on what we were told by the OP. For all we know, he beats the hell out of her with a loaded gun, and blows cigar smoke rings in her face. But I do get what you mean.....lol
Well, what I read was that she moved from where she lived, gave up the job she liked and replaced it with one she hates, moved to a place she didn't like and a house she didn't like, and immediately started taking care of tweens/teens that weren't hers, and had to deal with a crazy ex to boot.
Sounds like a great recipe for happiness. My god, she should be grateful he took her in!
The way you approach this is to sit down with her and tell her 'this isn't working for me. I'm not happy. You don't seem to be happy. But I don't want to give up this marriage. I know you don't like to get into these things, but we're going to have to if we're going to stay married. I have these questionnaires I found from a site that helps people get back on track. We can fill them out, and then I can learn what's going on that's making you unhappy, so I can change it. Will you?' (as you put them in her hands)
This is a very good way to put it, thanks.
I get that you're only getting one side of the story, but let me be clear. I was VERY up-front about my situation and my baggage. I gave her several alternatives to stay where she was. In fact, when I first decided to move and found a way to do so, I ended it because I felt it was unfair to ask her to leave those things and take on so much in my life that's not hers. She wanted to stay with me and move with me anyway. I did not coerce her or guilt her into this. It was "her" decision to stay and move with me. I had to be near my kids and that was non-negotiable and I fully understand if she didn't want to get into that. Furthermore, the front door is not guarded. If she is that unhappy, she can always leave of her own volition. My opinion is love it or leave it, in this case me.
Re: Not sure what to do. Please advise. 
