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Old 09-02-2011, 03:35 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure what to do. Please advise.

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Having your children was stupid?
Yes, having children with the wrong person, knowing up front that that person would not be a good mate is stupid.

If my children were born from anyone else, would I love them any less? Of course not.

Had I not married my terrible first wife and instead had children with someone else, I would love those kids the same, not more, not less.

I just old my 24 year old daughter that if she married her loser BF, that the worse thing she could do was to have children with him. He's 28, lives with mommy and daddy and has no job...so yea, children in that future union would be stupid to have.
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Old 09-02-2011, 03:38 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Oh, I have no doubt you were totally up front. What matters, though, is what happened AFTER she got there. But if you're giving off the same love it or leave it vibe to HER as you are to ME, it's a safe bet she has turned OFF. You acknowledge how hard the situation is, yet we're not hearing what actually transpired after she got there. And what your contributions toward helping her acclimate, aside from the job search. Think in terms of Love Busters and Emotional Needs; how many times a day is she getting LB'd? How many times are her ENs being met? Note that I'm not telling you that YOU have to be the only one doing it, but for NOW, she is in withdrawal and most likely making plans to leave you. So if you DO want her to stay, it behooves you to work a little harder - for now - to get underneath what's going on in her head. Only if she pulls out of withdrawal can she start meeting YOUR needs again, because people in withdrawal are just that - withdrawn, in self-protect mode.
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Old 09-02-2011, 03:38 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Well, what I read was that she moved from where she lived, gave up the job she liked and replaced it with one she hates, moved to a place she didn't like and a house she didn't like, and immediately started taking care of tweens/teens that weren't hers, and had to deal with a crazy ex to boot.

Sounds like a great recipe for happiness. My god, she should be grateful he took her in!
Victim talk.

Did he put a gun to her head? Did he force her? Sadly you don't see that she signed up for this and she has the obligation to help him make it work.

She is playing up the victim, the martyr, and you drank her kool-aid.
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Old 09-02-2011, 03:40 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Nope. I just got tired of men expecting women to suck it up and quit *****ing when they are unhappy.
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Old 09-02-2011, 03:40 PM   #50 (permalink)
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I agree that she went into it with eyes wide open. But SOMETHING there, once she got there, was too much to deal with.
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Old 09-02-2011, 05:08 PM   #51 (permalink)
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You didn't answer my question.

My question is what traits would your WIFE look for in a husband (i.e., YOU)?

If you don't know, maybe you should find out, because it could be possible that you may not be living up to her desires, either.
Just what I was thinking. Another good book to check out is "How We Love" dave stoop

And if you haven't already, set some boundaries with that unhealthy ex.
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Old 09-02-2011, 05:08 PM   #52 (permalink)
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Nope. I just got tired of men expecting women to suck it up and quit *****ing when they are unhappy.
BIGTIME
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Old 09-02-2011, 05:19 PM   #53 (permalink)
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Or before you have any children together.



Agree. But someone has to make the first move - the first step, so why not let that be you? If she consistently refuses to participate to try and improve anything, well, then you have your answer. But you're only 2 years in to what sounds like a tough situation for her. I would suggest trying to exhaust all possibilities so you can walk away, if necessary, with a clear conscience.

Best wishes.

Hugely agree. I am married just 1 year and 7 months. We are struggling too. Perhaps even similar issues. But I have no problem communicating. My husband is the quiet one here who won't say what his needs are, etc...But can say that when I am annoyed with him b/c he pays the bills late and doesn't tell me, (b/c he manages money badly and won't talk about it) that I pull away physically and sexually. Not to punish him but b/c I am scared inside. At the root of anger is resentment and fear. Getting her to talk is certainly key. I also have a lack of attraction to my husband at times and I admit this to him...I do tell him I get tired of ALWAYS seeing you in tee shirts and shorts. When we dated you took the effort to dress nicely like a polo shirt and khaki's and you wore cologne b/c you knew I appreciated it and it turned me on, and you put lotion on your psoriasis (arms and knees ) so your skin would be softer to be close to me. NOw that we are married he does none of that. And yes, it affects my attraction, and I shut down, b/c I am tired of not being heard. None of this is prolly your issue. It sounds like you are quite romantic and therefore go the extra mile. It is just an example of what can cause a woman to shut down and different they when dating (I was more passionate when we dated, but then we didn't share money, and he made an attempt to look good and smell good).
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Old 09-02-2011, 05:21 PM   #54 (permalink)
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We only have his side of the story. It's just as likely that she's so full of resentment and disappointment in this marriage that she sees no reason to try any more.
I think there is something to this observation. I'd love to hear her side.
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Old 09-02-2011, 05:23 PM   #55 (permalink)
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well, what i read was that she moved from where she lived, gave up the job she liked and replaced it with one she hates, moved to a place she didn't like and a house she didn't like, and immediately started taking care of tweens/teens that weren't hers, and had to deal with a crazy ex to boot.

Sounds like a great recipe for happiness. My god, she should be grateful he took her in!
lmao
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:30 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure what to do. Please advise.

WOW, I just read the marriage busters info and questionaire someone suggested on that marriagebuilders.com site and it was really right on...I think that'd be worth taking a look at, getting your wife to answer hers might give you the insight you are looking for.
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:50 PM   #57 (permalink)
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G I thought I would weigh in to give my prospective for your consideration. I think you need to reframe the way you are thinking.

It is not surprising that your wife shut down. What she did for you was monumental given that she coukd have married a man without the baggage that you brought into the relationship. You seem to have expected a great deal of her. You expect her to be a good mother to for your kids and she has done that, she also contributes to the household income and the support of your children, she moved so you could be near your kids, she is expected to deal effectively with your ex so you could see your kids.

You married her expecting her to fill many roles for you. It would not be a stretch to think that she may feel that she is giving you much more than you give her especially if you minimize what she has done for you. The way i see it, she is not getting enough out of this deal and she could not possibly have predicted how her life would be. This is probably not how she envisioned a marriage.

It is also possible that she feels that you married her because you needed a mother for your kids and not because you loved her. I may be wrong but it is difficult to ignore these possibilities given that you yourself emphasize her suitability to fit into your life. She has given a great deal and I wonder if you to realize that. What does she get to fill her love bank? Indeed love is not enough, that is true for you both.

She appears to have nothing more to give you. She is doing the best she can with what she has. I think that considering getting this dr laura book shows how far off the mark you are. She can't do more for you she is the one in need. Can you consider that she is giving enough under very trying circumstances and not getting enough back? You expect her to read this book to do more for you?

Try and forget yourself and what you need and want and step in her shoes for a while. She was not eased into the relationship she was dropped kicked into it. I dont think she got the support that she needed to manage.

I also think you should consider your plans to wait to divorce after your kids are in HS. So you consider it OK to use her for your kids until it's convenient for you and your kids to get rid of her. Dosen't that say something of your attitude towards her? I feel so badly for her and hope she will reach a point where she gets out before you decide she is not useful for you. Women check out for a long time before they reach the point where they walk.

She is also vulnerable to an exit affair. Your position may not as strong as you think. Dont be so sure that she will not leave and she will allow you to use her until it is convenient for you.. Why not do the honorable thing and divorce her now so she can find someone who loves and appreciates her kind, responsible, giving and passionate. I think with your attitude she will not be any more passionate with you than she is now may even less in the future. You can get a woman to meet your sexual needs in addition to being a mother for your kids when you divorce.
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Old 09-02-2011, 09:15 PM   #58 (permalink)
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G I thought I would weigh in to give my prospective for your consideration. I think you need to reframe the way you are thinking.

It is not surprising that your wife shut down. What she did for you was monumental given that she coukd have married a man without the baggage that you brought into the relationship. You seem to have expected a great deal of her. You expect her to be a good mother to for your kids and she has done that, she also contributes to the household income and the support of your children, she moved so you could be near your kids, she is expected to deal effectively with your ex so you could see your kids.

You married her expecting her to fill many roles for you. It would not be a stretch to think that she may feel that she is giving you much more than you give her especially if you minimize what she has done for you. The way i see it, she is not getting enough out of this deal and she could not possibly have predicted how her life would be. This is probably not how she envisioned a marriage.

It is also possible that she feels that you married her because you needed a mother for your kids and not because you loved her. I may be wrong but it is difficult to ignore these possibilities given that you yourself emphasize her suitability to fit into your life. She has given a great deal and I wonder if you to realize that. What does she get to fill her love bank? Indeed love is not enough, that is true for you both.

She appears to have nothing more to give you. She is doing the best she can with what she has. I think that considering getting this dr laura book shows how far off the mark you are. She can't do more for you she is the one in need. Can you consider that she is giving enough under very trying circumstances and not getting enough back? You expect her to read this book to do more for you?

Try and forget yourself and what you need and want and step in her shoes for a while. She was not eased into the relationship she was dropped kicked into it. I dont think she got the support that she needed to manage.

I also think you should consider your plans to wait to divorce after your kids are in HS. So you consider it OK to use her for your kids until it's convenient for you and your kids to get rid of her. Dosen't that say something of your attitude towards her? I feel so badly for her and hope she will reach a point where she gets out before you decide she is not useful for you. Women check out for a long time before they reach the point where they walk.

She is also vulnerable to an exit affair. Your position may not as strong as you think. Dont be so sure that she will not leave and she will allow you to use her until it is convenient for you.. Why not do the honorable thing and divorce her now so she can find someone who loves and appreciates her kind, responsible, giving and passionate. I think with your attitude she will not be any more passionate with you than she is now may even less in the future. You can get a woman to meet your sexual needs in addition to being a mother for your kids when you divorce.
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Catherine, you give this guys wife full license to shut down...this advise only encourages her to continue acting like a 12 year old child. There is NO reason for her to stop trying, none, zero, zip, that was given to us in this thread. She is passively agressive and knows how to make this man hurt, and it is working. Women like you come along and justify her very bad behavior and this advise makes this situation even worse. You make it sound like she was kidnapped and is being held hostage. She signed up so the right thing to do is help this poor man make things better.

This wife should be the one to feel glad that she has a man that is putting up with her immature behavior...so you see you got this backwards, upside down. Perhaps you and this wife should both read Dr. Laura's book "The Care and Feeding of Husbands"...it seems you have a lot to learn on this topic.

His attitude is not wrong...YOURS IS! You want him to feel bad because he has sexual needs? You want him to feel bad for being a man? He is there wanting to make things better for her but you choose not to see this. I'm so glad my fiancee does not share your opinion on this.

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Old 09-02-2011, 11:47 PM   #59 (permalink)
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There is NO reason for her to stop trying, none, zero, zip, that was given to us in this thread.
I just gave a handful but you seem to be a woman-hater, on his third wife, so you're not interested in listening, if it means having the man have any fault. All you want to do - and the OP is all too willing to listen to you - is blame HER. And that's fine, if all he wants is someone to feel sorry for him. He can do that all the way to the courthouse when she divorces him.

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She is passively agressive and knows how to make this man hurt, and it is working.
Please do tell me how you know she is passive aggressive. All we know about her is that she no longer participates in the marrage except at a superficial level. There are dozens of books about why women leave men; maybe you should read some of them to learn how marriages end.

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She signed up so the right thing to do is help this poor man make things better.
She is working full time. She is taking care of his kids. She is taking care of his house, cooking his food, doing his laundry and whatever else. She is fielding off his crazy ex. The only thing I see that she is NOT doing is remaining affectionate with him. Tell me again how she is not 'making things better'?

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Perhaps you and this wife should both read Dr. Laura's book "The Care and Feeding of Husbands"...it seems you have a lot to learn on this topic.
You keep bringing up this book, so I can only assume that it tells women to turn in June Cleaver and be damn glad they got that hunk of a man coming home to her every night, right?

You know, we can commiserate with him all he wants, if that's all he wants, and apparently it is, because you're the only one he's agreeing with. But he SAYS he wants to save his marriage. We are giving him insight into what's wrong with his marriage, and at least 50% of the problems AND the responsibility in the marriage belong to HIS side. He can either try to figure out WHY she has shut down, or he can just wait til she gets completely fed up and leaves him. Or, he can be macho man and just kick her out since, hey, she's not giving him sex, and what's a wife for, right?
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Old 09-03-2011, 11:06 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Catherine, you give this guys wife full license to shut down...this advise only encourages her to continue acting like a 12 year old child. There is NO reason for her to stop trying, none, zero, zip, that was given to us in this thread. She is passively agressive and knows how to make this man hurt, and it is working. Women like you come along and justify her very bad behavior and this advise makes this situation even worse. You make it sound like she was kidnapped and is being held hostage. She signed up so the right thing to do is help this poor man make things better.

This wife should be the one to feel glad that she has a man that is putting up with her immature behavior...so you see you got this backwards, upside down. Perhaps you and this wife should both read Dr. Laura's book "The Care and Feeding of Husbands"...it seems you have a lot to learn on this topic.

His attitude is not wrong...YOURS IS! You want him to feel bad because he has sexual needs? You want him to feel bad for being a man? He is there wanting to make things better for her but you choose not to see this. I'm so glad my fiancee does not share your opinion on this.
Let me give you a little advice.

You have had an uncommon number of failed relationships and you seem to blame it on the women in your relationships. Have you ever looked at your role? If not, the odds are that when the honeymoon period wears off, your anger will be directed towards you new love and you will get the same result you have always gotten - a failed relationship.

My advice to G is sound and realistic. If he follows your line of reasoning, he will definitely lose her. Your assessment that she should feel lucky to have him is way off the mark.

She is young, no kids, supports herself and he has two kids, stuck geographically, crazy ex, needs a woman to be a mother to his kids, and needs her salary. He is lucky that she took this on and he should tread carefully because he is highly unlikely to find a woman of her character who will take on his baggage.

This is no time for him to make demands it is time for him to step back be realistic and appreciate and value of what he has. The problem seems to be that he overestimates his value and underestimates hers. That is what you are doing and you are advising him to devalue her more. I'd like to see that work.

He should thank her every day for what she has done for him. He should go back to therapy by himself if necessary to fix his attitude. He should bend over backwards to meet her needs and to relieve her of the burden that he has placed on her.

If you think reading that book is going to suddenly make her realize that she needs to prostrated herself at his male alter, you need to get a grip. She has lost her sexual attraction to him and where is his leverage?

If he divorces her it will be a relief to her and a problem for him because he will have to find a replacement. Women like her are not looking for a man who needs them for a mother and financial support and a little sex thrown in.

He needs her but he is still under the impression that he has got all the cards. She has got the get out of jail card she is just has not reached her tipping point yet. If he hands her that book and makes more demands that should do it.
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