General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Sorry g, I don't buy this. Why she was into it when you're dating and now she needs it 1-2 per year? it's not the way you look,,,,not the way you talk, she loves you but not wanting to have sex with you? Human species and all other living creatures mate in this world and love and courtship each other in different ways. She is the only one that doesn't wan it? But she would want to have sex with someone new?!
Hello??!!! LEAVE this marriage!!! It's not healthy for both of you!!!
It is confusing and it is messing up my head, trying to stay cool about this. She doesn't want anyone else, that is clear and has been confronted. She said that she could only have a bunch of sex like that right now if it was with someone new, then the same result would happen if she got serious with that person.
I'm not exactly thrilled about it either and not sure that even if she really deals with these issues that our sex life may only be average at best somewhere down the road.
It also occurred to me that it's a really convenient excuse. I don't want to believe that and I don't think she's lying to me. The evidence against dishonesty is that she's gone through this in every previous relationship and hasn't had a relationship before this last more than 2 yrs. Most go about a year if that. The other evidence is how sincerely she expressed how much she loves me and wants to be with me (the way she expressed that is hard to fake, though if she was having this emotional breakthrough moment with me - why couldn't she at least have sex with me in that moment I can't understand). She admits to liking/enjoying sex, so if she didn't have an issue with sex, why would she want to stay with me for many, many years and not have much if any sex?
The bottom line is I love her and she loves me. It seems terribly hasty to just end it now and not give her the chance to work on this. If she doesn't try and make progress on this, then I can't go on like this forever. It's not right or healthy in my opinion, but running away from it right now doesn't feel right either.
I appreciate your feedback, but I need to explore this further before calling it quits.
It's actually VERY typical for abuse victims - they have tons of sex to get a man and then shut off once they're married. Very complicated stuff. HAS to be dealt with in therapy or she'll be screwed up for life.
Thanks Tunera. I hope that's the truth and that she can heal.
I'm going to do my own research on this, but if you or anyone has any good resources, please advise.
I'd be very worried about what she will do when she decides she wants some. Will she only be able to get it from a new guy? I honestly think she's just setting you up to live on her terms, while she reserves herself for her next affair.
Why would you take her back as only a roommate? You married a wife, not just a roommate. Posted via Mobile Device
I'd be very worried about what she will do when she decides she wants some. Will she only be able to get it from a new guy? I honestly think she's just setting you up to live on her terms, while she reserves herself for her next affair.
Why would you take her back as only a roommate? You married a wife, not just a roommate. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think she wants to be with someone else at this point. I've asked her that question straight up. I was married to a pathological liar for 9 years and 3 years as a cop, so I usually know when someone's lying to me. Doesn't mean she might change her mind down the road.
I thought that I was okay with being a standup guy and helping her deal with a trauma, but this whole thing is really messing with my head!
Am I just being a putz and playing into her game? She is getting things her way with little compromising. I don't want pity sex or obligatory sex. If she doesn't want me ...?
I reached out to a therapist for her and sent her the info. If she does nothing with it, then that's a bad sign for me and I will re-evaluate things.
Any women want to give another perspective? Or do you agree that I may be pretty screwed here?
She may need to be pushed to take action. May be hoping you'll just let it die down.
I did. We discussed it tonight. She suggested that I go see that therapist to better understand what she's feeling. What??!?
Maybe she feels I'm pushing too hard or I'm being impatient (maybe that's true), but this is making me crazy and very unhappy.
She said that she has no interest in me physically and that's just how she feels. If pushed about it, she'll blame it on the trauma, but doesn't want to do anything about it. We got into another small argument and it almost ended again right there. I don't like setting utimatums, but I don't want to be a putz, sitting, wishing, waiting. People are saying I should get the hell out and I"m starting to believe them. What is really going on here anyway?
I want to help her, I want to be supportive even though I fully believe we'll never have great intimacy in our marriage. I have good reason to believe she really doesn't want it.
I asked her to give me something to believe in, to hang my hat on. She first said, give it a year and I wasn't okay with that answer. Then she said one month and she will get around to getting a book on it. I'm supposed to believe in this. I'm finding it very difficult to do that. It would be different if she said that she really wants this and wants a better relationship and wants to be physical with me. She was very clear tonight that she doesn't even want a physical relationship, but she feels it's not normal and that she knows I want more. But if she doesn't want it, why would she really do anything about it, really?
This freaking sucks! I would do anything for her. I'm trying to be patient, but I don't want a roommate.
I'm inclined to see what happens after a month to see if she's a woman of her word and how much she really cares. Part of me wants to bail right now!
What's really bad is that it's totally killing all the motivation I had to take real leadership in this marriage and put it back on track. If I'm going to get screwed anyway, what's the point?
Well after last night and this morning I'm pretty much checked out of this thing. I want off this rollercoaster anyway. We got into a stupid argument this morning which ended with her telling me to f*** off. I was being a pretty serious smart a$$, but I don't think it warranted that kind of response.
She won't apologize I'm sure. She's too stubborn and I know she thinks she's justified.
I guess I was kidding myself that we could work this out. I wanted to believe so much that we have something special, worth fighting for, but I'm not so sure about that. I think it was just a nice idea in my head.
If anyone can make a case for me staying in this, I will listen, but I pretty much have a foot out the door now.
I did. We discussed it tonight. She suggested that I go see that therapist to better understand what she's feeling. What??!?
And that is the point at which you say "NO! It's not MY job to get therapy to figure out why YOU won't have sex. It's YOURS."
Honestly, and I hate to say this, but until you are ready to walk, she has all the power. Until you CAN admit, accept, and SAY that you will NOT stay in a loveless marriage, that being without her is better than being with her when she disrespects you so badly, then you are stuck in a life of misery.
Think about it. You weren't BORN attached to her. You don't NEED her to keep breathing, keep eating, keep thinking. You CAN survive without her. You may not WANT to, but you can. Hell, you can survive without everything on this planet except some water and some food; try to get some perspective. Draw back. Get yourself to a place where you can see that you may WANT her, but you don't NEED her. Once you reach that, you can start making decisions that better serve you. And, along the way, you just may help her move forward, too.
And that is the point at which you say "NO! It's not MY job to get therapy to figure out why YOU won't have sex. It's YOURS."
Honestly, and I hate to say this, but until you are ready to walk, she has all the power. Until you CAN admit, accept, and SAY that you will NOT stay in a loveless marriage, that being without her is better than being with her when she disrespects you so badly, then you are stuck in a life of misery.
Think about it. You weren't BORN attached to her. You don't NEED her to keep breathing, keep eating, keep thinking. You CAN survive without her. You may not WANT to, but you can. Hell, you can survive without everything on this planet except some water and some food; try to get some perspective. Draw back. Get yourself to a place where you can see that you may WANT her, but you don't NEED her. Once you reach that, you can start making decisions that better serve you. And, along the way, you just may help her move forward, too.
No I don't and I won't. It's funny, I was on the verge Thursday night. I almost ended it then, but even with all the bullcrap I've gotten from her lately, I didn't feel that my attitude was reasonable enough, that I was actually trying, so instead we agreed to keep trying. Tonight was the first chance we had some time together after a busy weekend with the kids. We did the emotional needs assessment together. Boy that was fun. Though it did tell what we already knew which is that we're not right for each other. We got through the first page and that was about it.
I probably put myself through undo bulls*** to get to a final decision, but I wanted to be certain. So that at the end, I could say for certain that tried as hard as I could. I will sleep better knowing that. Time to move on. We'll both be happier once this is said and done.
I was living in a fantasy world for a bit there hoping s*** would work out if we just tried hard enough, but facts are facts.
I appreciate your candor (I expected nothing less) and time for one last kick in the pants.
I will reflect on your comments about what to say to my kids. I liked your suggestions.
G, who knows what the future brings? If you split up, you two may find you liked what you had together, better, and reconcile. But what you have now isn't working for either one of you, so no point continuing THAT.
Learn your moral code, live it, and evaluate everything you do against it. That way, you know you lived the life you should, no matter what else happens.
G, who knows what the future brings? If you split up, you two may find you liked what you had together, better, and reconcile. But what you have now isn't working for either one of you, so no point continuing THAT.
Learn your moral code, live it, and evaluate everything you do against it. That way, you know you lived the life you should, no matter what else happens.
Re: Not sure what to do. Please advise. 
Though it did tell what we already knew which is that we're not right for each other. We got through the first page and that was about it. 
