How do I get out?
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Old 09-04-2011, 12:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I get out?

How do I get out of this marriage?? I am 30 years old and have been married 1 year for the first time. I don't know how to get out of this marriage. My husband is what everyone calls a "nice guy" and I'm not supposed to want to leave him. How dare I want to leave him???? But I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of feeling like the bad one in this marriage. I'm tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. I'm tired of being scared of him. He has never really hurt me physically. But, everytime something goes wrong, I'm afraid that is what is going to happen.

We've been married one year this past July. His 2nd. My 1st. He has no contact with his 2 children from his previous marriage. He made me believe when we were dating that they were very close, but his job did not allow him to see them much. His job has changed since then. They want nothing to do with him.

We've had sex 3 times since being married. I'm 30. I've had sex before. I've enjoyed sex before. I hate being with him. I hate being alone and not having sex with him. We had sex 3 times since we were married ONE of those times was on our honeymoon. Did not happen on our wedding night because he yelled at me on our wedding night and then left. We had sex once on our honeymoon and then once 2 months later and now he sleep on the couch. He blames that on me, although I have begged him over and over and over to sleep in our bed. Now, he's been gone so long I don't even want him near me in our bed.

So, we go out in our small town on the weekend. And then he drinks and we fight. But, according to him, it's always my fault. Our marriage counselor, who we saw for just a few weeks, told him he shouldn't drink because he only has 2 emotions. Happy and Mad. But, he still drinks. and when he drinks, everything he has ever been upset about comes out and it's all my fault. I"m to blame for everything. He tells me I'm crazy, and that I'm a drunk, and that I don't deserve him. Every time he drinks. And then for 2 days after he gives me the silent treatment until I can't stand it anymore and have to talk to him. Am I living with a child???? Or am I living with a man??

I know that if I divorce him to move on, he will tell me that I have let him down and that I told him I never wanted to be divorced. But, this is not a marriage!!!! This isn't even roommates!!!!! He has also told me that I can't do this to him. That he can't go through another divorce!!!!! How is that my fault??? But, he knows that I will take that personally and want to not hurt him in the future.

Please, please, please help me figure out what I can do. I do have a great job. I am 30 and have no children to take care of. But, I do live away from my family and am on my own at this time. We live in a house provided by his job. I pay most the bills. We live 12 miles from town. I cannot drive due to breaking my foot. How can I get out and what can I do???

I've posted before and some know my story, but I need advice and need to know that there are others out there that are going through the same **** as me.....

Last edited by ku1980rose; 09-04-2011 at 11:27 AM.
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Old 09-04-2011, 08:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

You've got to decide what you want. A. Are you just venting here and don't really want go through the cost of changing things - which is fine. B. Do you want to try to salvage the marriage if things can improve. C. Do you want out no matter what. If it's A - that's cool. If it's B - maybe you can show him your post above? You express pretty well there just how serious this is for you. You have to get across to him in a calm and rational manner that the current state of the marriage is not acceptable and that if it does not change you will leave. If it's C, you just have to do it. Find an attorney and get on with it. There is no "good" or "right" time to make a change like divorce. You just have to decide that the price of staying is higher than the price of leaving.

For God's sake do not get pregnant until your marriage is resolved one way or the other. Based on how you describe his relationship with his kids from his first marriage, he may just not be the parenting type.

Good Luck.
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

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do not get pregnant until your marriage is resolved one way or the other.

Good luck.
absolutely!!!
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Old 09-04-2011, 09:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

Consult a divorce lawyer about filing for an annulment or a divorce.

No shame in admitting this is not working.

Life's short.
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Old 09-04-2011, 11:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

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You've got to decide what you want. A. Are you just venting here and don't really want go through the cost of changing things - which is fine. B. Do you want to try to salvage the marriage if things can improve. C. Do you want out no matter what. If it's A - that's cool. If it's B - maybe you can show him your post above? You express pretty well there just how serious this is for you. You have to get across to him in a calm and rational manner that the current state of the marriage is not acceptable and that if it does not change you will leave. If it's C, you just have to do it. Find an attorney and get on with it. There is no "good" or "right" time to make a change like divorce. You just have to decide that the price of staying is higher than the price of leaving.

For God's sake do not get pregnant until your marriage is resolved one way or the other. Based on how you describe his relationship with his kids from his first marriage, he may just not be the parenting type.

Good Luck.
Part of me is just venting, but I've been just venting about this for the past year. I just don't know how to do it anymore. This is not a marriage. Things shouldn't be like this already in our marriage. Actually, things should never be like this in a good marriage. But, I just don't know how to get out. I don't want to quit if there is any way to salvage our marriage, but things haven't gotten better. We went to a few days of marriage counseling and he was seeing the counselor on his own too. But, he quit as soon as he decided he was "better" and didn't need help anymore. He doesn't know how to communicate with me. He just gives me the silent treatment whenever he gets upset and then it all comes out at one time when he finally lets it out. He lets people walk all over him, including his family. He is very codependent. Marriage counseling wasn't helping us with the counselor we were seeing. My husband would just cry pretty much the whole session, which was frustrating. He promises things in counseling, but doesn't follow through at home. He admits things in counseling, but then goes back on that at home. A month or so ago, he told me to give him one more chance, give him another week to prove that he could open up to me and talk to me. But, that still hasn't happened. I'm not sure why I can't just walk away. I want a family. I want kids. I don't want kids with him at this time. I guess I'm probably just AFRAID of the change, of moving, of being alone, of starting over. I suppose that's what everyone goes through in this situation. I also have another dilemma at this time. I broke my right foot and won't be able to drive until I get this boot off. We live 12 miles out of town and I work in town. I don't have family near here. I am reliant on my husband for all my transportation right now and will be for about another month at least. I guess that's just something I am going to have to deal with for now.

We definitely won't be having any kids. We don't even have sex, so that isn't even in the equation. But thanks for the warning. I am a big believer in not having children until you are truly, truly ready.
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Old 09-04-2011, 03:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

A month is nothing. You can't get the paperwork done, filed and finalized in 30 days even in an amicable divorce so your foot isn't really costing you anything. I think once you can drive you need to contact an attorney so you at least really understand what your options are. From there you can either proceed with D or give the marriage one last shot. If you elect to give it one more try, pull no punches - what have you got to lose? Lay it all out there so he has the benefit of knowing what's about to happen if things don't change.

Change never comes easy, but if you want things to get better - either way - you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone. For what it's worth my $.02 is this. You married him for a reason. Once you foot is better I'd resolve to either fix it or break it, but to change it one way or the other for good.
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Old 09-04-2011, 03:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

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A month is nothing. You can't get the paperwork done, filed and finalized in 30 days even in an amicable divorce so your foot isn't really costing you anything. I think once you can drive you need to contact an attorney so you at least really understand what your options are. From there you can either proceed with D or give the marriage one last shot. If you elect to give it one more try, pull no punches - what have you got to lose? Lay it all out there so he has the benefit of knowing what's about to happen if things don't change.

Change never comes easy, but if you want things to get better - either way - you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone. For what it's worth my $.02 is this. You married him for a reason. Once you foot is better I'd resolve to either fix it or break it, but to change it one way or the other for good.
You are right. I did marry him for a reason. I just can't see those reasons anymore. It seems that as soon as we got married his true person came out. It's like he put on his best self when we were dating and did anything to make me like him, and then gave up when we got married. Also, I thought him being a "nice guy" is what I needed. I thought that would be what mattered. But, just being a "nice guy" doesn't cut it. Whenever he gets upset he ignores me and gives me the silent treatment, and refuses to ever talk about anything or work on anything. And he quit sleeping in our bedroom before December. And he won't initiate any sex. I've treid and tried to discuss this with him, but he only gets upset and angry.

I know it's time to fix it or move on. I'm just scared. That's normal, I know, but hearing from other people and talking it out does help.
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Old 09-07-2011, 09:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

So, today was a crappy day. It was raining out. My h and I fought this morning because I told him it was raining out and dogs needed to be in out of the rain, and he claimed it wasn't raining. Of course it was and then he was pissy (cuz he was wrong). So, everything was a fight then. So, we left the house. Me on my crutches with my bag. He went out and sat in the truck. I'm trying to make it out the door with all my crap and he won't help me because he is in the truck giving me the silent treatment as usual. I slip on the rainy steps and fall. Then he wants to help and be nice. I am done. I get upset and cry and tell him I'm so tired of this crappy marriage anyway.

We go to town tonight because I have errands to run and can't drive with my boot. Everything is ok. But, on the way home we try to talk about our marriage. Problem is, he can't talk. He is either all negative, or gives me the silent treatment. He was in counseling for this, but quit as soon as him and the counselor decided he was "fixed". 5 weeks maybe??? So, he is upset and says we can't talk about our relationship because everything is always his fault and I make big things out of nothing. Out of nothing???? So, not having sex for almost an entire year (and we've only been married a little over a year) is OK?????? That's a little thing??? Again, he says that is my fault. Although every time we fight, including tonight, I ask him to come to bed. But, months later, he still sleeps on the couch and tells me it's my fault.

I want to leave, but he makes me leaving a bad thing. He makes me feel like I'm the biggest piece of **** for wanting to leave. I'm starting to feel that maybe this is his way of controlling me. I've been in a very controlling relationship before. It was a little more obvious, but isn't my h doing the exact same thing by playing with my feelings this way??? Putting the blame on me and making me feel like I'm an awful person if I "put him through a divorce again"??? (HIS WORDS)

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out and still feel ok about myself. I'm scared to get out, but this marriage is a joke. I don't want to hurt him. But I can't live my life like this. I don't care whose "fault" it is. I'm not here to blame. WE DON'T GET ALONG! WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE!!! THAT'S NOT ANYONE'S FAULT!!! But, he takes it as I am only blaming him. The only thing I blame him for now is for not SEEING it!!! And for pushing everything under the rug every time I try to talk to him and trying to pretend everything is ok. Why not??? That's what he does with his family. That's what he does with his terrible relationship with his kids.....

AHHHHHH! WHY COULDN'T i HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE MARRIAGE!
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Old 09-08-2011, 09:23 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

ku, the only words I can think of are these, "to thine own self be true." All you can do is be absolutely sure that you have given your H all of the information. That you have done your absolute best to make him understand that you cannot continue on in the marriage as it exist. If he won't hear you, won't work on it, or can't change that's not your fault and you must do what is best for you. The failure of a marriage is not something to take lightly so it's good that you're struggling with it, but that doesn't mean that it may not ultimately be the right answer anyway.
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Old 09-08-2011, 10:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

If you aren't happy, leave.

Married for a year and you haven't had sex for a year AND he doesn't sleep in bed with you??

Um, why are you with him still? If he doesn't put forth the effort (if you both don't), you have no marriage to speak of.

How long have you been together for?
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Old 09-08-2011, 10:25 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

How often does he give you the silent treatment? And for how long?
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Old 09-08-2011, 10:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ku1980rose View Post
I'm tired of being scared of him. He has never really hurt me physically. But, everytime something goes wrong, I'm afraid that is what is going to happen.
Explain. Afraid WHAT is going to happen?


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Originally Posted by ku1980rose View Post
He has no contact with his 2 children from his previous marriage. They want nothing to do with him.
HUGE RED FLAG. Why don't his kids want anything to do with him??? Do you know why he divorced???


Quote:
Originally Posted by ku1980rose View Post
We've had sex 3 times since being married. I'm 30. I've had sex before. I've enjoyed sex before. I hate being with him. I hate being alone and not having sex with him. We had sex 3 times since we were married ONE of those times was on our honeymoon. Did not happen on our wedding night because he yelled at me on our wedding night and then left. We had sex once on our honeymoon and then once 2 months later and now he sleep on the couch. He blames that on me, although I have begged him over and over and over to sleep in our bed.
I"m to blame for everything. He tells me I'm crazy, and that I'm a drunk, and that I don't deserve him. And then for 2 days after he gives me the silent treatment until I can't stand it anymore and have to talk to him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ku1980rose View Post
I know that if I divorce him to move on, he will tell me that I have let him down and that I told him I never wanted to be divorced. But, this is not a marriage!!!! This isn't even roommates!!!!! He has also told me that I can't do this to him. That he can't go through another divorce!!!!! How is that my fault??? But, he knows that I will take that personally and want to not hurt him in the future.
Who cares what he thinks? He doesn't have sex wtih you, isn't a good father, gives you the silent treatments, blames everything on you and makes no effort to correct his behavior.

File and be done. Unless you want "more of the same."


Please, please, please help me figure out what I can do. I do have a great job. I am 30 and have no children to take care of. But, I do live away from my family and am on my own at this time. We live in a house provided by his job. I pay most the bills. We live 12 miles from town. I cannot drive due to breaking my foot. How can I get out and what can I do???

I've posted before and some know my story, but I need advice and need to know that there are others out there that are going through the same **** as me.....[/QUOTE]
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Old 09-09-2011, 03:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

Have you considered the fact that he is simply homosexual? He may avoid his Ex and his kids simply because he doesn't want YOU talking to them and finding out something from his past.

I don't personally know of any man who is happy with sex three times a year. Even in a horrible relationship with a woman he cant stand, men will usually still usually try for sex.

My advice is to read these forums and hook up with one of the husbands here whose wife doesn't have sex. There are plenty of those sorts of situations on here, so there has to be several near you.

I'm half joking, of course.
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Old 09-09-2011, 04:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Even in a horrible relationship with a woman he cant stand, men will usually still usually try for sex.
Made me
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Old 09-09-2011, 04:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I get out?

ku, you KNOW this isn't a marriage and you KNOW you aren't the wrong one. He is mentally abusive and NObody would want you to stay in that marriage. Go back to your counselor and ask her to help you set up a plan to leave him. Or go to the closest women's shelter, or United Way. Start moving your stuff out to a friend's house, a bit at a time. Start saving money in a new account only you have access to. Keep your keys and your purse near the door at all times so you can leave in a hurry. Keep a bag packed of overnight necessities in your car or near the door or at a friend's house. Start looking for apartments and pricing them; work on your budget.

And then set a date and JUST LEAVE.
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