franklinfx

It may shock some but I can actually relate to you ken, not to say your feelings are justified, but I think alot of guys have the same feelings you do. Your wife sounds pretty hot, and congrats on that, but a hot woman is a double edge sword my friend. Theyre great to look at and alot of fun in bed, but if your as insecure as you sound, you might have picked the wrong woman to marry. Although I think going crazy over what happened before you even met this woman, is going a little far, I too am insecure and would go crazy if I thought another guy was trying to get in my wifes pants ,which is only inevitable if your wife is a hotty. I knew this about myself, and although Ive dated a couple of hot and sexy women in my life, I knew I was not secure enough to handle being married to one, so even though my wife is by no means ugly, I am much less worried about guys w/ bigger penis's and bigger bank accounts messing with her, than other woman ive been w/. Like clint said ''a mans gotta know his limitations''. Sounds like youda been better off w/ a more plain jane choice of a wife as well, but I can hardly blame you for your taste in women. Youll just have to learn to get you emotions under control. Just remember ,shes just flesh and bone under than hot exterior, and she even farts when your not around, nobodys perfect. As far as the guy w/ the big johnson ,real dumb move for asking her that ,and even dumber for her to answer truthfully, but just remember, just cause it was big doesnt mean he knew how to use it, and for crying out loud, dont ask her if he did!

God luck bud.

Mr22101

Wow! I came to this site looking for answers to my problems and this hit home hard! I have a very similar problem and may just post mine since it is a bit different. Asking about your partners past is a slippery slope. At this point you may have all the data, but if not do you go on asking more questions or stop? I would say that if you continue on with questions to ask your wife how big she thinks you are, as you may be surprised at the answer. Count your blessing that you have a wife that loves you and funnel all your energy into being the best father possible.

beachboy

I have gone through this same thing my entire marriage. However I was a virgin and although my wife claimed to be I found out different once we married. Since I had fallen madly in love with her I always thought I would get over it but guess what,,,it hasn't happened, and I think about her and her past constantly. I have just learned how to deal with it.

Being older now and having access to the internet has allowed me to do many searches and to discover I am not alone in dealing with these feelings. I joined a now defunct Yahoo group, Spousal sexual secrets, that at one time had many posters, who in their own way, must have gotten over this. It's still a group and is good reading for some of the older posts but there is very little activity now. Still reading the older posts have helped me in seeing myself dwelling on my wifes past, and her lie.

Unknown

Ken,

You sound just like me! My hubby had a wild past as well..one night stands..**** buddies,..whatever you want to call them. I wasn't a virgin either but sex was very important to me and I only did it with people i trusted and loved. So...to know that my hubby had crazy times and sometimes even running into those women he slept with gets me real mad..to the point that I can't look at him and I refuse to let him touch me..

Anyway, I've come a long way..but the only way I was able to make myself feel better about the situation is to remind myself of all the great traits that he has and who he is today. Also, doing dirty things that he's never tried before has made me feel "better" about the situation...lol.....one more thing, partyin' like crazy while he waits for me at home helps although it's a little kidish..but that's done now.....it doesn't bother me anymore unless I run into those dirty hoes he slept with. --excuse my language.

tdr64am

I guess it was foolish to think it was just me. I've wrestled with the same garbage for years. My wife married at 18 and was only married for 10 months. It was her first relationship. We met soon thereafter, and she became my first relationship. We have been together a long time now, but I still let stuff bug me. This despite the fact they were not together that long and that one of the reasons he left was because she risisted sex. Like many of the other guys, I simply asked too many questions over time and did not really want to hear the answers. I also had the unfortunate experience of finding a high school photo she signed to him that was all lovey dovey. Her HS yearbook also had all kinds of notes from friends wishing her good luck with her hubby and all of that stuff. Her sister mentioned once (years ago) to a mutual friend how good looking this guy was. Anyway, for a loser who could not buy a date, this was probably too much at too young an age. What is almost scary is that other than the few things I mentioned above, it is almost impossible to know she was married before and there is no evidence. I mean, if there were a lot of cards, gifts, etc., they were long gone. We have very very good friends who never know this happened in my wife's life and they will never know. I asked my wife once if the thought that she was married before crossed her mind once a day. She (literally) laughed in my face and said maybe once a decade. And at the end of the day, that is what makes this weird. Her "past" is a current memory of mine. Almost like a current event. To her, it is less than ancient history. It has cost us intimacy and I have worked hard to keep it in its cage. Basically I just found this site and wanted to share. It does help to know that I'm not terribly unusual, even if I wish it were not an issue at all. The words of advice and wisdom (particularly from MsLady) are helpful. Best to all.

brintond

I think that if just told you to get over it ,it wouldnt be helping you.
Theres no point going on to your wfe about it either because the damage is done now and there is nohing she can do or say to undo the past.
I think that you just have to make the best of the situation and try not to let it eat away vat you , Iknow it isnt easy.We dont live in a perfect world where we always get what we are entitled to , mothers lose sons in foreign wars ,people get cancer and disease. All around us , maybe most people have to suffer some sort of loss , which in your case , you cant have your wifes virginity because she gave it to someone else. Its not your fault at all and your feelings are completely normal in my opinion.
A lot of men dont mind their wifes past but I wonder if all of them love their wives as much as you do , because , lets face it love and jealousy go hand in hand to a certain extent dont they.
Im not trying to console you with words like , "she loves you now" and maybe "it was her past and none of your business" , of course its your business , you dont want these men to have had these pleasures do you.
So ,it looks like you have to try and go through some sort of greiving process and let these feelings run their course.
We have 40 years of free love now , this story shows the other side of free love , and its not pretty, I told my daughter she should wait for her wedding night and give her husband the gift of her virginity , if I show her your post , I think it will help get the message across better.
good luck

ABZOK

Hey man... I completly understand you.. and beside some other guy I guess that everybody did not read your full post. You already said you love your wife.. that you understand that she had a past sexual life... THATS NOT THE PROBLEM.. the problem is the mind... I understand you,, I am dealing with the same problem... I understand everything,,, if I ever have to talk to my wife as a friend.. I would tell her that she did nothing wrong.. that actually it was good.. but as my wife I just hate her when those images come to my mind, I hate my mind. I just read that maybe some pills might help, Prozac is one of them.. what we need is not a forum where most people dont understand that this is not a rational problem that this is an emotional problerms.. and for me, emotions are IMPOSIBLE to manage...

artieb

You might like to watch the movie "Chasing Amy".

Also, think about this: if you stay married 20 years, your wife will have had more sex with you than with everybody else put together. None of those other guys was good enough to keep her; you are.

It's a mistake to compare yourself to other people. Suppose you were really happy with your love life, and then read an interview with some porn star who has sex 50 times a week. Would you get all worried and start saying "Oh, no, I should have more sex! 6 times a week isn't nearly enough!"? I wouldn't. What other people do shouldn't affect how you feel about what you do. And that's just as true of the person your wife used to be. Work on your sex life and your relationship, making it as good as you can going forward, and see if your jealousy about the past doesn't fade away. You should only think about her past lovers with a mind toward making her forget all about them.

But definitely watch "Chasing Amy".

MEM11363

Ken,
Time to put on big boy pants and learn to keep this topic to yourself. If you keep raising it with her and upset her enough, you may have to deal with a different type of jealousy - that of your divorced wife sleeping with another man.

Relationships are never destroyed in one or two conversations. They can however be broken down by one partner repeatedly and relentlessly interrogating the other about their sexual history.

Liam

For the first 2 years of my marriage I had exactly the same issue. I also suffered from depression during some of that time so it all fed into each other I would get angry about it, resentful, frustrated, jealous and just extremely sad. When I talked to people about it I used to get "What she did before you is none of your business and she's with you now" etc etc. This of course didn't help one bit. Finally though, I made the decision that this issue was making me so unhappy that I had to make a choice - let something I have no control over constantly make me feel this way OR take the issue on and beat it.

I chose the latter - and once I made the decision it was only a matter of a couple of weeks before I had completely overcome it My approach was a kind of 'self cognitive therapy'. Every time I thought about it, I would completely ignore the thoughts and give them no attention. Sometimes I would say in my head "Before me, her life" or a variation of it. After a few days, the thoughts stopped coming. On top of this, I looked within and realized I was spoiling our present and future by thinking about her past. After a couple of weeks, it just wasn't an issue any more. There's was no way I was going to give this issue any more power over me That was 5 years ago, and I literally never think about my wife's sexual past. When I do, I don't feel anything. It's gone, it's irrelevant. Ken - if you still have this problem, you can overcome it - if I can, you can

Deejo

Look at pot dates folks ... Ken is looong gone.

He stopped posting nearly a year ago. Discuss if you choose, but the OP won't see it.

Ken

I'm not long gone. I have just read everything.

The problem was that my computer crashed months ago and I lost all my bookmarks, and I couldn't remember the name of this site for the life of me! I just Googled a few keywords, and sure enough, brought me right back here! LOL

Unfortunately, I just received a phone call and I have to leave now, so I can't respond right now. But I have this site memorized now, and will be back later on.

Oh, and the thoughts are still there and have only intensified in my head. Although I don't talk about it much, my mind runs wild with the thoughts. Damn Virgo thing.

mrcow

Although long time has passed since the first post of this thread (as well as long time has passed since the last answer ), I finally decided to share my thoughts on that as well.
Ken/other folks with the same issue - I hear you. My story is quite similar to Ken's one (numbers vary, though ) and I still haven't found a good solution either.
To those "stop doing it, get over it, its the past, she with you now" - have you ever faced this issue yourselves and managed to get over it? If not - thanks, but your opinion is kinda worthless. If yes - step by step guides would be really helpful. Liam's advice is worthy - because he has been through it himself, he's seen the hell on earth .
Anyway. My biggest concern is that although the past is just what it is - the past, it may be used to predict, what could happen in the future. Of course, those are just predictions, and situations will never be the same and all that, but anyways, it is a source of insecurity. And insecurity and self esteem (or rather lack of it) plays huge if not the main role in this whole mess.
I don't know the best solution, how to get out of it. I haven't found it yet. I acknowledge my problem, though, and I hope that this is a half (or at least one third) of the solution. My biggest issue is one night stands , dunno, how many, but my wife had mention she tried it. I totally understand that long term relationship comes w/ sex, and I'm totally ok w/ that. But one-nighters seem so wrong to me (and yes, I haven't tried them and what's more - didn't want to have them, even when I wasn't in any relationship). How big exactly has one's sexual urges to be in order to go and f**k a complete stranger? I just can't understand it, and the biggest worry for me is - what if? What if that some other guy is so friggin sexy, she'd like to f**k him just because of that?
Past is the past, but as I said, I'm probably overdoing foreseeing the future based on it.

I will try Liam's advice and will just shovel metodically these thoughts out of my mind. I am as good as I am, and even if my worst nightmares come to true - I've done everything I could and wanted to do. So, I need to just live and enjoy the life .

Although this post was more about what I feel regarding this matter and not the good advices on it, I'd like to say this at the end.

1) Do not ask about your spouse's past. Be ready to accept, that s/he wasn't waiting in tears for you to appear as a saviour and meaning of his/her life, if you do ask.
2) Do not talk to your spouse about your sexual past, unless asked.
3) Your spouse doesn't need to know the particulars, on numbers or amounts, or sizes, whatever. This knowledge won't help any. If pressed hard, I still think, that principle is "less is better", and some white lies are in order - just be consistent on what you say.
4) Eventually you may hit spouse's vulnerable spot involuntary. You'll most likely see it when it happens. When it does, remember, that s/he is basically a blind person with powerful imagination, so you need to take him/her by hand and guide through the dark room. These demons are very real and they bites are really painful in that other mind.
5) Tell your spouse that you love him/her, that there's really nothing, that you can do to change your past, that it will not affect your future, believe in it yourself and that's it. This is how much you can do to help your significant other to deal with your past. There are steps that one has to make on one's own, you can't run behind the bicycle all the time, there's no progress in learning, if you do .

Thanks for reading! I'm not sure if it will help someone, but as wicked as it sounds, it really helped me writing this

MrCow

Nekko

I'm the kind of person, that if single, would go F some random unknown person. Why? Sex is just sex. If you think of sex strictly through 'i should love him/her or know them or have some sort of feelings...' then it's wrong. If you're like me and don't think of sex as a very emotional experience (ex: i would have sex with a stranger that attracts me rather easily with no emotional implication, but at the same time i'd have issues going to lunch with a stranger, because i find this activity more intimate). Also, for me, having sex with a stranger means i don't have to worry about that person enjoying themselves, i can just focus on me. The sexual urge is never THAT big. But it's an opportunity for pleasure and if some people have nothing to lose (singles for example, or people who are misserable in their marriage) they will take it. It's more of a mental urge, rather than down there, if you ask me.


Problem with insecurity regarding a person's sexual past is that the spouse realizez how free their mate is, and not under their control. This is what freaks most people out...'she could at any time go with another guy and i can't really do anything to stop her'. This situation is just a fear (because a happy person that voluntarily got into a marriage will not have any intention of cheating). It comes from low self esteem (both 'i might not be good enough for her' and 'i'm not strong enough to handle it if it happens').

I don't see your approach about not sharing anything regarding your past as very realistic or wise. It keeps people from connecting and being honest with eachother if they want to. And it's to an extent called living in a safe bubble and in fear. These things can happen...you can just say 'ok, if it happens that's that, i'm strong enough to cope with it' and enjoy your life, or live in fear and with your eyes closed. When you don't wanna risk being vulnerable because it might eventually hurt too much, and try to shield yourself from everything..you end up feeling nothing at all.

__________________
- When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. -

laredo

I would want her to tell me about all the details. I would love hearing how she felt with a 9 incher. Your could get excited and have some great sex.