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Old 01-28-2010, 02:02 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

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Originally Posted by Nekko View Post
Problem with insecurity regarding a person's sexual past is that the spouse realizez how free their mate is, and not under their control. This is what freaks most people out...'she could at any time go with another guy and i can't really do anything to stop her'. This situation is just a fear (because a happy person that voluntarily got into a marriage will not have any intention of cheating). It comes from low self esteem (both 'i might not be good enough for her' and 'i'm not strong enough to handle it if it happens').
good point.
/any advices on good self-esteem pills? /

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Originally Posted by Nekko View Post
I don't see your approach about not sharing anything regarding your past as very realistic or wise. It keeps people from connecting and being honest with eachother if they want to. And it's to an extent called living in a safe bubble and in fear. These things can happen...you can just say 'ok, if it happens that's that, i'm strong enough to cope with it' and enjoy your life, or live in fear and with your eyes closed. When you don't wanna risk being vulnerable because it might eventually hurt too much, and try to shield yourself from everything..you end up feeling nothing at all.
i've never thought about it from this point of view. thanks.. actually! I'll spend some time thinking.
and Ken, sorry for stealing your thread, hope you don't mind

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Old 02-14-2010, 11:15 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Hey, I have kind of a similar issue and it's interesting to read the opinions here. I originally met my wife when we were both 19, I was attracted to her but found out she had a BF at the time, however, we still remained friends. She found out her BF was cheating on her and dumped him.
Now this is where my mental issue comes into play. I asked out my now wife after her and her BF broke up, but she decided that she was more interested in someone else and proceeded to have a relationship with him. I was hurt, but soon was over it, continued dating people through my college life and really concentrated on getting my degree.
Well, a few years later about 24 years of age, after I had landed a well paying job and just purchased a new house, I get a e-mail from her out of the blue. Well Mr. great turned out to be Mr. directionless and she wanted something a little more stable. So she dumped him and started looking for me, eventually she found me on classmates, and soon after we started dating. At the time we started, it really didn't bother me, but for some reason it really bugs me now about 8 years later. I have come to realize that women when they are 19-22 tend to go for a more exciting males, big guns and a fast car. But then when they start getting around the age of 24-25, they change and guys like me who have resources tend to become much more attractive. In a immature way I do harbor some resentment that I wasn't good enough for her before, but after I started pulling in some bucks I was suddenly good enough. I don't really express my feelings to her and I am jealous of that relationship. I know it's unfair and I don't have the need to make her feel bad about my own insecurities, but it still pisses me off inside. Mainly because I am not buying the she choose me BS, she didn't choose me, I was chosen after I offered her a nice way of life. She wanted nothing to do with me when I was just a student.
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Old 02-14-2010, 02:22 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

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Storyboardlife - no, my wife and I have never been to counseling. I'm not sure I'd want to go. I know I would be laughed at for something that seems so silly to others. I'm a big, tough bodybuilder type guy, and feel kind of embarrassed that I have feelings that can be hurt. Everyone sees me as a brick wall that can't be penetrated cause I'm too tough.

!
I got a kick out of this. Hopefully you're still reading the replies because I get the tough exterior. As far as "tough guys" go I'm right there with ya. I have had several assault rifles, pistols, and can hit a target with pinpoint accuracy from 800 yards with a Remmington 700 .308 bolt. I smoke cigars, play hockey and love football. When I was younger I worked in a biker bar, drank a TON of Jack Daniels, had sex with random hotties and got into lots of fights. I also cried watching Ghost Whisperer, love the theater, and could watch figure skating for hours. Oh, I also secretly write poetry. Lots of it. So am I too tough or do I worry that someone is laughing at me? Fact is, nobody cares. Tough guys get hurt feelings just like girl scouts, no big secret there. The images that you have of your wife in ecstacy with other men are manufactured by you, and likely not even close to reality. She's with you now, and if you loose sight of the present in will be at the expense of the future. Go see a therapist. You seem to have a good handle on where you're coming from and expressing those feelings in a productive setting will likely valiate your confidence as a man. And if it doesn't, you can always kick his ass afterword!
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Old 02-14-2010, 02:48 PM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

This reminds me of something I read in Cosmo or Yahoo something like that. It talked about question guys ask girls that they really don't want the truthful answer too:

It went something like this.

Question_______________Magazine response:
*Was I the best lover = " Yeah every other guy just happened to horrible I couldn't feel a thing it was awful. Deal with it guys we had sex and yes alot of it was good sex, but we are with you!!!"

*Was I the biggest= "We don't really care about that stuff we care how it feels, but sure honey if you want to be the biggest, your the biggest"


It was stuff like that really awkward. Really guys have you had sex before? Did it suck? Did the oral suck too? Mine sure didn't!! I bet my wife's didn't either.......the point is they are with you as my wife is with me!!!
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Old 11-23-2010, 07:02 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Hi, this is Petra. My advice is going to be the opposite of what everyone else is saying here. You need to get to a point where you can talk to your wife about her past sexual experiences, current fantasies and desires. You need to get to a point where you take pleasure and satisfaction in her past sexual enjoyment and her talking about what she is thinking now. This is what having a great, as opposed to a basic functioning, salvaged relationship, is all about. True and deep soulmates, lovers, sex partners, friends share this kind of stuff and are happy for the other's thrill.


You need to face your fears head on and not supress it. Before you make love next time, ask her to describe her best physical relationship with another man. Then tell her you love her. Ask her the next time who else she fantasizes about. Then tell her you love her. Set up a date among you two and one of her exes, and let them have a good time talking the way old lovers do. Then go home with her, talk about it some more and tell her that you love her.


My husband and I share everything - our past, our fantasies, our deepest crazy desires. And we love each other all the more for it. Mostly people act jealous because that is what society expects us to do. Get over your petty ego issues, everything will be all the better for it.
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:54 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Ken raises sorta a valid, but not to this extreme point. See alot of us husbands could care less about thier wives past. We just assume at some point you've had a one night stand... no biggee. My wife's had less partners than teh OP's, but i can only assume she's had atleast a 1-nighter ( i haven't asked and i'm not going to). What gets some of us married guys is that it seemed as though our lovely wives gave sex away alot easier back then... to guys who were no where near as worthy... in comparison to sparingly giving it to the men who you are supposed to love and promised to share the rest of your lives with. Like you f'd your ex everyday even though he cheated on you and mistreated you. But you make your own husband beg for it.

Btw, Jeff ( and i know he posted this in Feb) more than likely when your wife initially started looking for you, she had no way of knowing if you ever finished college or what your current earning potential was. Sometimes... women finally mature and don't look for Mr. Right Now anymore. Some women get this early and still land a good guy in their 20's. Some wait too long and find out the hard way by mid-30's when there are very few available good guys left.

Last edited by Rob774; 11-23-2010 at 09:06 AM.
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Old 05-13-2011, 06:29 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Hi!

I have the same issue like Ken.
I've been married for 11 years, have 2 kids and expecting 3rd this summer.
I was virgin when I met her - she was not.
I was curious about her past and she was young/stupid enough to answer frankly to my silly questions.
She had a 6 months affair with a 7 years older guy. The entire relationship was mainly sexual. He had a lot of experience with women and he took her virginity in all the ways you can imagine. This really bothers me all these years. I got into emotional hole from time to time with all the signs Ken has written.
Anyway it is time for my practical advice:
During the years I realized that when there are long periods of having "standard usual 15 minutes family" sex (because of kids, work issues, tiredness etc) these "demons" come. When we had a wild "nasty" sex it fuels me with energy and wipes out these thoughts for a long period of time. Making her to come 5-6 times doing something "dirty" really makes me feel like super star in bed.
So try to do with her something wild or different like using toys, making home porno movie. Ask her to do with her something "nasty" that you always wanted but never had enough courage to do.

I hope it will help!
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Old 05-13-2011, 07:12 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

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Originally Posted by paul_b View Post
Hi!

I have the same issue like Ken.
I've been married for 11 years, have 2 kids and expecting 3rd this summer.
I was virgin when I met her - she was not.
I was curious about her past and she was young/stupid enough to answer frankly to my silly questions.
She had a 6 months affair with a 7 years older guy. The entire relationship was mainly sexual. He had a lot of experience with women and he took her virginity in all the ways you can imagine. This really bothers me all these years. I got into emotional hole from time to time with all the signs Ken has written.
Anyway it is time for my practical advice:
During the years I realized that when there are long periods of having "standard usual 15 minutes family" sex (because of kids, work issues, tiredness etc) these "demons" come. When we had a wild "nasty" sex it fuels me with energy and wipes out these thoughts for a long period of time. Making her to come 5-6 times doing something "dirty" really makes me feel like super star in bed.
So try to do with her something wild or different like using toys, making home porno movie. Ask her to do with her something "nasty" that you always wanted but never had enough courage to do.

I hope it will help!
Your wife's story isn't that different from alot of guys. Women do things when they are young... on a whim. At the time, it just makes sense to them because that is what they want. They look back on these times and shake their head, but we do the same thing. Shake our heads to some of the chicks we've slept with. We thank the good lord that we never got some of those nutso chicks we banged preggo.

Me and the wife talked about ex's the other day, because we are going to a book signing of a friend, and an ex might be there because he's friends with the author as well. She asked me if i'm okay with that, i told her i could care less, as long as you point him out if he approaches you. I'd like to know if this "friend" who keeps trying to chat it up with you ... was just a friend or someone more. But in the end, she assured me that none of her exes were anything special, there's no fond memories of their exploits, atleast if they are, she doesn't make it know to me. I take solace in the fact that i wifed her at 22, so regardless of what she did with the hanful of guys before me, i was the first to have lived with her, first to have spent the night, first to have taken her outta the city, outta the state, etc, etc. So i would think that no matter else, my imprint leaves a larger mark than all the rest combined.
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Old 05-13-2011, 10:01 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

You describe this woman as your "WIFE". I am curious why men marry such women?

Women who have had more than two sex partners are no longer able to bond in a physical and psychological way to their husband. This is the reason why there's so much divorce now than there was two generations ago, and nearly all the divorce (70-80 percent in all US states, close to 90 percent in California) is filed for by women.

Women who have more than one or two sex partners are "turned out". They do not see men as husbands, but as objects to use. This is not marriage material, guys. I wonder where your dads and granddads were when they should have been telling you this stuff.

http://socialpathology.blogspot.com/...orce-risk.html

Last edited by boxer; 05-13-2011 at 10:03 AM. Reason: added link to peer reviewed journal data
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Old 05-25-2011, 03:56 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

My advice to woman is to be careful about discussing past sexual history in detail. Some men seem to have a great deal of problems. They have belated sexual insecurities and make a woman life miserable. Share the minimum info the past is the past why share details? If a man has problems with a women who has had past sexual partners in the beginning of the relationship, avoid him let him find a virgin. Don't get dupped into thinking that he will change his mind.

Men who are insecure should not do a bait and switch, it is cruel to make a commitment to a woman and then torment her. She gave you 3 children, has been a good wife to you, and you are ungrateful enough to indulge in stupid hurtful punishing. You unsettle the stability of 4 human beings for your foolishness. You knew her past why would you make a family with her? Why be so irresponsible?

Has your behavior been exemplary? Have you done anything you should be ashamed of? Suppose you were tormented for it. If you wife stopped having sex with you and divorces your for your sexual problems would you feel better. You would be free to find a virginal woman and she would be free to find some secure man who will cherish her. Her 3 kids will have a man who values their mother and will provide a stable home for them. Don't you think it would be better for all concerned if you were not around since you are the source of problems.
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Old 05-26-2011, 12:33 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

I'm a 52 yr old man (just for the record)

I'll give you another spin.....

If you don't stop, you're gonna LOSE HER!....
And when you do lose her, the NEXT guy, is NOT going to give two craps about who she was with!!
He will already know that you had sex with her numerous times, had three children that won't be his. Yet, if she is everything you say she is, he will appreciate her for the great time he'll be having with her NOW!!!

Go buy her flowers.
Tell her you came to your ridiculous senses, and realize that you're acting like an insecure, jealous fool.
Go tell her that you love and appreciate her for what she stands for today, and tomorrow, and yesterday has no bearing on the direction you two could go.

BTW..... You have a terrific wife, if she was willing to be so open.

APPRECIATE HER!!!!!!
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Old 05-26-2011, 02:07 PM   #57 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Mens sexual insecurities have nothing to do with it. If women don't think that chastity is a big deal to guys they need to just read all of these posts.

Boys and Girls growing up in todays culture are being fed to the wolves. For many, probably the majority of guys out there, don't want to have to worry about being comparred or having to share their future spouse Obviously, men want to have thier cake and eat it too and they can't have it both ways.

Ken, I hope you can get control of this because your childrens future is at stake here. If you still out there Ken, do NOT engage your wife about this any further. Whats done is done and you married her, she does deserve to not be punished for her past. Maybe get some professional help, it will be money well spent. And remember, you are not alone or crazy about how you feel.
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:19 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

I was never one to ask about a woman's sexual past. Unless she was with someone I knew, we're starting fresh as far as I am concerned.
Women are often hesitant talking about those kind of things because they know the reaction could be similar to the one you had.
Don't punish her for being honest, you'll regret it.
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Old 05-31-2011, 07:33 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

[QUOTE=OhhShiney;330329]Wow, this really hit home. I was struck by this notion about a month ago. Nobody really every controls anyone else, love and living together are totally, 100% voluntary, every second of ever day shared. I've had the feelings of insecurity implied by the above situation. I've been in counseling for self-esteem issues that arose from my first marriage, in which I had stayed far too long with a verbally abusive spouse. I didn't realize that I had the power to change my life. Well, I did, and have.

I am now married to a wonderful woman, but have occasionally bouts of jealousy regarding her second husband. I sometimes cook up images of them together.



When we began to get to know each other, and were both in a situation where we had been bruised by marriage, and were not looking for a new relationship. Never again! This was liberating, no pressure! So, naturally, we discussed our past in details. My wife described her second husband as a fantastic lover, enough so that she left her first husband, in part, because she realized what she was missing. She divorced her second husband for cheating constantly during their ten year marriage. She continued to see him physically on and off, realizing that he was not marriage material. This continued until shortly before I met her.

Well, we fell in love (never, ever, say never!) We realized that we were, to each other, everything that we wanted in a spouse. Friendship, partnership, intimacy, etc. We have become soul mates, share everything, and have an eye-rolling, toe-curling relationship on every level. We married, and have been together for nearly two years. She says I am a fantastic husband, friend, and lover. She certainly is a fantastic wife, friend, and lover.

I am terribly embarrassed to say that I had a hard time erasing the image of her in bed with her second husband especially we live in the house and sleep in the bed they shared. These thoughts don't happen very often, but get triggered when she bumps into him in town facebook. (insecurity, no doubt!)

QUOTE]

I don't know how i'd feel about that.

Actually, that's a lie, i know EXACTLY how i'd feel about that. I'd take a little bit of issue with the exhubby that used to beat the p-ssy up in the same bed you lay in is FB friends with your wife. There's nothing you can do about the "random" encounters, but there is something you can do about the FB situaion. To me, that's just too close. There has to be more of a solid boundary between her and someone whose been intimate with someone for so long.

Just my 2 cents.
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Old 07-24-2011, 06:17 AM   #60 (permalink)
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Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

I'm going through some of the same issues myself. She knows it too and it's taking a toll on us and the wedding preparations! We've talked and shared so much already and I'm inclined to have us read these posts together just so that she knows I'm actively trying to get over my insecurities by listening to the good advice of others. I'd like for us to be completely open on this even though it's extremely difficult. Thoughts?
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