General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
8 guys? Mate, that's nothing. Just times that by 5 and you'll get the real number ( sorry just kidding)...
Anyways TRUST me when I say that this is much better than a woman who is itching to experience the wildness of life while already in marriage. BEST to have someone whose been there, done that, and tell you what, they mean what they say; they had enough, and are ready to settle. You are lucky to have her, and not to mention too:
At least she's not clueless in bed! She's had practice! She probably doesn't want to remember so don't bring it up either (unless she's cool with it - the missus told me all her stories and I love 'em!), she's yours now.
Right, unless she's giving you an incurable virus and/or she's decided to 'settle down' with you and turn off her sexuality as a 'reward' then who really cares? I would kill for a wife who knew her way around the bedroom in any way.
Go see a therapist who can help you with your self-esteem. If you felt confident in yourself, this problem would not be a problem. It would be a non-issue.
Dose anyone but me have a queasy feeling about this. I don't understand why a man would think about another man while making love to his wife? It seems so crazy to get a sudden attack of jealousy to the point of stoping in the middle of having sex. I feel for the poor wife who has provided this man with 3 children and has done overtly thing right only to be faced with this.
About 50% of women cheat, 75% initiate divorce she does not fall into either of those groups. I wonder how he would feel if she left. Count his blessings?
The moralizing amazes me. Aren't the stats that 90% of men watch porn? I think watching porn is a sad weakness and morally reprehensible. I wonder if any cheaters are among these moral men? Has to be at lest 50%. How about married men who lust and talk about nailing OW? In my book it's amoral to think and talk about sex with other women.
Oh moral code applies to women only. Posted via Mobile Device
unlike the last guy who brought up this topic and whined about it you seem to have a pretty good perspective of it. You recognize it as an irrational thought and dont blame your wife for it. I think that is half the battle. At least you dont believe in those irrational thoughts.
The other half is replacing those irrational thoughts with postive ones. Keep concentrating on the positive aspects of your wife. And remember that little jealousy you have actually creates a bit of sexual tension which is not all bad.
Jealousy can be seated in your own lack of self confidence. It's ok, all normal people have insecurities. You have half of the battle won though as stated above. You know it's irrational. You may feel insecure but think about what others have said - she chose you. She loves you. She's hot for you. That should speak volumes for where your self confidence should be. Live in the present. You can't undo the past. Worry about those things that you can control. Obsessive jealousy can be debilitating and toxic.
Sorry if I'm high-jacking the thread, but Viperstorm, I can fully appreciate your last comment (and the one you quoted). Thank you. And I fully understand that these are my own insecurities about her past and lack of self-confidence that are tripping me up. She's been nothing but good to me. I hope that I can bury these negative thoughts with positive ones of our relationship and keep the reasons I love her in the forefront of my mind.
Would others mind talking from their own experience where these kinds of negative thoughts of a partner's past did fade away (either with time or positive actions/thoughts)? So far, I'm worried to see that many are reporting they suffer about these things for years (and I'm sure their partners suffer too). It's a distraction that gets in the way of growing the love in the relationship.
Obviously, I'm hoping to hear that it's something possible albeit probably difficult. Yes, it's regrettable that I have a time crunch with my wedding less than 2 months away and I know Catherine would say that I this issue should be fully resolved before walking down the aisle - but it's just not that easy standing where I'm standing today. I'm afraid that I've caused enough emotional stress for us by voicing my insecurities already and I'd worry that a wedding postponement (which she volunteered out of compassion) would really result in the whole thing falling apart, which I might regret for the rest of my life.
Thanks in advance to everyone. I really appreciate everyone's comments, even if they're tough to swallow.
I thought I'd add my own experience, which I think is a similar situation to Ken's and many other posters. I sure am glad I found this forum and found many others who share the same jealousies. Reading about others helps and writing on such forums helps a little bit too I guess.
I totally adore my wife, she's my best friend, my confidant and the best lover I could wish for. I want to be with her every minute of the day and can't wait to have kids together. We've only been together for 10 months, but it's been an intense 10 months. On one of the first occasions we were together, and where we weren't expecting to fall in love, we talked about our 'number'. At the time hers seemed high but really that was only in comparison to mine, which is only 5, and I put it out of my mind.
Recently I read an article on the average number of sexual partners and my wife was more than twice that - since then I haven't been able to completely remove the thought in my mind of her being in bed with other men. I've raised it with her as something that's bothering me, because I can't - and wouldn't want to - keep anything from her.
I realise this is totally irrational - she didn't know me the 10+ years ago when she had the majority of her partners. Most were people she knew, friends of friends, which to me makes it somehow better than picking up random strangers.
She's said, and I believe her when she says I'm the best sex she has. I believe her because she's completely honest about everything. She also says that none of the other guys enter her mind at all and never do, so like another poster on this thread replied - it's like I'm living her past. It's not an issue for her and nor should it be. She had sex when she was free and single and it wasn't love, whereas now the sex we have is just incredible - sometimes intimate and slow and sometimes wild. And added to this, I'm so lucky she loves sex to keep up with my sex drive and I wouldn't be as attracted if she wasn't that keen and surely that enjoyment of sex is a product of her past. So why these feelings of jealousy?
I know it's my insecurity and it's an issue just in my head, but how to remove it? She feels nothing and doesn't even think about her past sexual encounters; we never run into them; she says I'm everything to her and has given me her heart (and I've given her mine) and we have a brilliant sex life. We each have a child from a previous relationship and have a truly great life and I couldn't ask for anything more. Yet for all that I've only recently had this issue appear in my head and get stuck there. No amount of looking forward to the great times we'll have or enjoying the moment have managed to dislodge the thought just yet.
Some of the things that I think will help are suggestions on this forum - and these are what I'm going to repeat as a mantra to get these detrimental thoughts out of my head:
1. it's just sex, it's not love and it's in making love where the real connection lies;
2. she's chosen me out of all other men; and
3. when we've been together for a few years we'll have had more sex than all the other guys put together.
Thank you for everyone with their suggestions and thoughts, it really does help.
You really need to get over stuff. She was honest with you about her past, and you are using her honesty against her even though she has done you no hard. Further, haven't you been with other people too? What if she used that against you?
draconis
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Yeah you're exactly right and I acknowledge that. But even though I know I'm being totally unfair and selfish it doesn't make it any easier. In fact she's even said she wouldn't care if I'd slept with many more girls if they were simple one night stands, because then there'd be no intimacy and it'd just be sex. The thing that does bother her is the fact that I was in a long term relationship (for 13 years) and had that sexual intimacy for a long time with someone else. So that makes me feel worse, that even though that bothers her she's willing to let it go. And that's my point really - my past is not issue for her and she doesn't think about hers, it's all in my head...
So I just need to think about it from her point of view - it was fun at the time but now she's totally devoted to me.
Apparently, I'm also not the largest she has had. My fault; I asked, she answered honestly. I'm not small, but also not 9" like she had before. I know she doesn't care about it at all, but that's another jealous topic for me; I know another guy has touched parts of her that I never can.
Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!
Definitely different strokes for different folks...while I take great pleasure in knowing that my wife's first love had a penis half the size of my penis, I also took great pleasure in a full swap situtation when we were in the swinging lifestyle for a year when I saw her getting plowed by a very fit guy with a nice thick 9" penis while she seemed to be loving every second of it. Didn't bother me (or the guy's wife I was with) in the least.
Of the two of us, my wife is definitely the jealous one, yet didn't run for the hills when I disclosed that I had been with 100+ women and I had no jealousy when she told me she had been with 10 different guys before me...after all, I was 37 years old and she was 29 years old...it would have been more alarming had we only had one or two partners up until then.
Providing your wife is not giving attention to any of those exes or any new guys, you should really let your jealousy go. There is nothing she can do to erase her past and there is nothing you (nor I) can do to make your/our penis(es) 9"...(I'll just have to settle for 8.5").
My husband has a lot of trouble with this. I don't know what to do or how to make him feel better, how to help him....
Before I met him I was with just one other man for 6 years. I even thought we were going to get married. However, he never slept with any1 except me. So he feels like I have a part of him that he cant have from me.
I dont think it bothers him as a daily thing (i hope not) but ever so often it just comes up, and he gets really jealous and angry and so frustrated and I feel so helpless. He's just as aware as ken about how its just stupid for him to feel like that but he can't stop feeling like that.
Obviously I get upset because I feel like I've hurt him and I never meant to do that...I didn't even know I was...
Wow, after 8 years you really need to let go. You will end up ruining your marriage over something that happened before your time. I'm assuming you knew before you married her, so it should of never been a problem.
My husband and I NEVER discussed past relationships. He has no idea how many partners I had before him and I have no idea of his. I do have an idea that my numbers are bigger then his. So what? I'm completely in love with my husband and the thought of being with anyone other then him makes me sick. I remain 100% faithful to him and he does the same for me. We frequently make love and are getting better at it as time goes on. We know how to please one another and that's what is important.
What's in the past stays in the past. Posted via Mobile Device
I am glad this thread resurfaced. There have been so many great comments and insights.
I cannot believe how many men share this dilemma. When I compare the OP's experience to mine I see a glaring difference and that is the fact that my W only had one partner and he was the bad boy the one she could never marry because he was from the wrong side of the tracks so to speak.
Unfortunately I figured this out after I was married and now that I have the benefit of hindsight if I knew then what I know now I never would have married her.
That being said I love her deeply and I believe I have her heart. He has a good portion of her mind still and that saddens me. After 20+ years the jealousy has been replaced with sadness and I just cope.
One thing that helps me a great deal is the fact that I know the level of intimacy we share can never be matched by anything they had and that I believe is what keeps me sane.
Would she run to him now? Naw I do not think so but sometimes when we are back in our old stomping grounds for a visit I can she her wander and bring up things that really apply to him more than me and that is disappointing like you would not believe. I hope that Ken took the advice that has been mentioned here. It is very healthy. I hope the rest of you find peace as you deal with this issue. The aggravation can dissipate but you have to work at it in a healthy way. If you are a "he man" like the OP then humble yourself a bit and get some counseling and get healthy.
11Likes
Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past 
sorry just kidding)...
