SUPER jealous of wife's past
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree144Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-01-2008, 01:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
Ken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 4
Default SUPER jealous of wife's past

First post here. Hello everyone!

I'm married, been with my wife for 8 years and have 3 kids together. I love my wife, I think she is gorgeous and I'm always thinking about her. I miss her when she isn't around (like at work).

But the thing is I just can't get over her past. Before she met me she had sex with 8 other guys, I'm her 9th. One was a threesome. She was a little wilder than she is now, obviously. I'm just so damn jealous, I don't know what to do. In 8 years I have not been able to forget about it or let it go. It drives me crazy. Every time I get intimate with her I start thinking about it and picturing in my mind her with someone else, then I get upset and jealous and don't want to finish.

Before you jump all over me, I do realize this was her past and it happened before she knew me, and I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it. She has never cheated on me and never would. The thought of cheating just simply is not going to cross her mind, so it's not like I don't trust her or think she's going to cheat or anything like that; I know for a fact she never would. It is simply a case of being extremely jealous because other guys were inside of her, and I don't want anyone else inside there pleasuring her. I want to be able to have her all to myself, not let other guys have the pleasure of being with her, and obviously that can never happen.

She has the most kissable lips ever, and honestly, being inside of her is heaven! I just can't stand the thought of her moaning and being vocal over another man being in her. Her threesome really bothers me too, just knowing she was a little wild back then and is so conservative now makes me wonder how she can change so drastically.

We have discussed this many times at great length. It often causes arguments. I'm a jealous prick and I admit it. I wish I could forget all about it and pretend like she wasn't ever with anyone, but it just won't go away damn it.

Apparently, I'm also not the largest she has had. My fault; I asked, she answered honestly. I'm not small, but also not 9" like she had before. I know she doesn't care about it at all, but that's another jealous topic for me; I know another guy has touched parts of her that I never can.

Our relationship is awesome other than that. I treat her well, I do most of the cooking, all the cleaning and laundry, buy her what she wants or needs.

Stupid jealousy. I hate being a Virgo!
Ken is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-01-2008, 01:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
draconis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 3,720
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

You really need to get over stuff. She was honest with you about her past, and you are using her honesty against her even though she has done you no hard. Further, haven't you been with other people too? What if she used that against you?

draconis
__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973
draconis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 01:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Amplexor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,369
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

We are all made up of what we have experienced in the past. I assume you were not a virgin when you met your wife. Should she be jealous of your past lovers? If they mean nothing to you then why would she feel any different? As far as the size of your member, if that was what was most important to her, she wouldn’t have married you. The male ego can be pretty fragile in that area but the sexual relationship you have now is what she appears to want. Work on your self esteem. Kind of silly to beat yourself up over what you were born with and are unable to change. Appreciate the wonderful marriage and relationship you have with your wife and forget the past. Pondering on it will only detract from your relationship. Many here would kill to have the kind of marriage you seem to have. Appreciate it.
__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
Amplexor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 02:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
Ken
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 4
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

You are both absolutely correct, and I agree 100%.

I'm not too worried about the size of my member; it isn't small, just not super huge either - lol.

I have been with other women myself, yes, and she doesn't use it against me. I know and admit I'm in the wrong about this, but no matter what I try, I just can't shake the visualizations I get when intimate with my wife. I don't want to have to go in somewhere that I know someone else was previously - kinda grosses me out in a way, like I think it's dirty or something.

I guess I'll just go smack my head off the wall a few hundred times. If I'm lucky, I'll get amnesia and forget all about everything. Then I'll have nothing to worry about.

Thanks, folks.
Ken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 02:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Amplexor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,369
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Next time you are intimate with your wife, concentrate on her, not her past. You’ll both enjoy it more.
__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
Amplexor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 02:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Blanca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,037
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken View Post
I guess I'll just go smack my head off the wall a few hundred times. If I'm lucky, I'll get amnesia and forget all about everything. Then I'll have nothing to worry about.
lol. sometimes just not fighting the feeling you have helps. when you feel disgusted by her im sure you feel guilty and want to push the thoughts out of your head. sometiems it helps not to judge yourself, but just to experience your feelings without trying to change them. many times trying to force a feeling to go away is what causes it to become stronger.
__________________
"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
Blanca is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 02:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
draconis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 3,720
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amplexor View Post
Next time you are intimate with your wife, concentrate on her, not her past. You’ll both enjoy it more.



draconis
__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973
draconis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 02:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
storyboardlife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: atlanta
Posts: 24
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

draconis and Amplexor are right. Don't use her honesty to against her. It is wrong to punish to make yourself feel better. Do that enough and she will be hesitant to tell you things that you want to know. How excited would you be to hold her hand if she got on your case about you holding another girls hand in the past?

Here's the important part. SHE CHANGED FOR YOU DUDE!!!!! You said that she is more conservative now and wouldn't dream of doing those things anymore. She probably doesn't like the fact that she lived that life and would change it if she could. In fact, she has changed it in the since that she met you and decided that you were worth the change!

This is an issue that you are going to have to battle with yourself. She has said that she cares for you and loves you. Dude, get over the fact that you can't get over a BIOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE. Although she might have gotten PLEASURE from all of that it must not have been enough to keep her away from you. The PLEASURE that she experiences from you is more than BIOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE but one that enhances and solidifies the love and commitment that the two of you have together. MAKING LOVE, that is what you do with her isn't it. Well, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! It's communicating love thorough touch with her. People are at their most vulnerable during this time (it is with you right). Don't punish her!

You have a family together. This will be a life lesson to your children that decisions they make will affect future relationships but you will also be able to teach them that it is never too late to change.

If she were wishing to revisit those days again then this would be something totally different. BUT IT'S NOT.

The next time you see her do this (without hesitation):
GO HUG HER
APOLOGIZE FOR PUNISHING HER
TELL HER YOU ARE THANKFUL THAT SHE CHANGED FOR THE RELATIONSHIP
TELL HER YOU AREN'T GOING TO HOLD ON TO THE PAST
TELL HER THAT YOU VALUE HER
TELL HER THAT TONIGHT IS ALL ABOUT HER AND YOU.
storyboardlife is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 02:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
storyboardlife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: atlanta
Posts: 24
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amplexor View Post
Next time you are intimate with your wife, concentrate on her, not her past. You’ll both enjoy it more.
that's what love is all about
storyboardlife is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 02:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,313
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

I don't know if I speak for the 'norm' but I don't dwell on any past sexual experiences, ever. I am totally satisfied within my marriage and have no reason to. For most women, the best part about sex is feeling loved and from what it sounds like you have that fully covered with your wife.

As far as size goes, again I don't know if I'm the 'norm' but anything larger than average would frankly scare me (and I've had 3 kids!) You only have to get poked in the cervex once (again, I've had 3 kids!) to know it's not pleasurable

Your jealousy will likely take its toll on your marriage, so I'm glad you recognize it's something you need to get past.
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 04:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
storyboardlife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: atlanta
Posts: 24
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish View Post
For most women, the best part about sex is feeling loved and from what it sounds like you have that fully covered with your wife....Your jealousy will likely take its toll on your marriage, so I'm glad you recognize it's something you need to get past.

Questions though. You've married for 8 years. has this always been the case. What triggered this?
storyboardlife is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 04:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: phoenix
Posts: 178
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

unlike the last guy who brought up this topic and whined about it you seem to have a pretty good perspective of it. You recognize it as an irrational thought and dont blame your wife for it. I think that is half the battle. At least you dont believe in those irrational thoughts.

The other half is replacing those irrational thoughts with postive ones. Keep concentrating on the positive aspects of your wife. And remember that little jealousy you have actually creates a bit of sexual tension which is not all bad.
brad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 05:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
dbj1971's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Saint Louis
Posts: 34
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Ken,
Think about this. Your wife gave you her heart. It sounds like with all the other past experiences, it was just physical. You have her HEART. So, your experiences with her are infinitely more meaningful than those others, since there is a foundation of love and commitment and security in the relationship. Plus, the fact that you have children, that tends to solidify the relationship as well. People do grow up and change, and it sounds like your wife did just that when you got married eight plus years ago. I would also not ask any more details about her past experiences. They don't matter now, and I'd be willing to bet that your wife NEVER thinks about them. She may be ashamed of the way she acted back then, as she sees how she has changed and matured since she married you. You won her heart, and she chose to commit her life to you. That makes all the difference. I can understand, and believe me I can feel your pain, that as a man you can't stand the thought of anyone touching her in that way. Look at it this way: when she married you, she burned all her bridges and cast her lot with you. She gave YOU the key to her heart, and vice versa. She entered in a new phase in her life, and in a sense it was a renewal. So, in spite of her past experiences and yours, you both started a new life together in which old things passed away and it all was new again.

The next time you start thinking about those bad thoughts, thinking about her past, think about this: You are her one and only, you do not compete with her past, to her you are the world's best lover and all past experiences are burned to ashes by the fiery heat of your love. Best wishes for you and your marriage. There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread. Take them to heart. I'll bet you made her feel like a virgin again when you got with her, and that she felt like she started living on the night you first kissed. Anyone, even animals, can have sex. Only people who have given their hearts to each other can make LOVE. Cherish the fact that you have gone where no one else has gone - into her inner soul and heart, into the true intimacy of a woman - mind, soul, body and heart. Release the past - it cannot be changed. Cherish what you have now. Again, I can't stress it enough, NO other man has ever had the part of her that you have as her husband. I'll bet you they never even cross her mind. We men can be so hard on ourselves. Live in the present, look forward to the future. Love conquers all! It's going to be okay, just fight the bad thoughts with the truth. You are HER man!!
dbj1971 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-01-2008, 08:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
draconis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 3,720
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

One more thing.

Be thankful she "got all this out of her system." Many have come on this board bored because they only had one or two lovers. That they didn't want to be a wife and lead a crazy sex life but they chose the sex. Be thankful she can communicate honestly with you. Be thankful she knows her body enough to have better sex with you.

By your same reasoning you shouldn't reuse forks or plates either, but you do.

draconis
__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973
draconis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-02-2008, 09:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
Default Re: SUPER jealous of wife's past

Ken, I feel your pain. Maybe like no one else does. Here's what happened to me.... My girlfriend and I are very much in love and had no problems with each other's past. I knew that she had been married 3 times and accepted that. It was the past and we had a wonderful present and hopefully, future. Then it all came crashing down. She moved and in the process, stored some of her things at my place. Several months later, I'm moving boxes and come across one marked wedding photos. Curiosity got the better of me and I looked in it. Well, I got wedding photos, many other photos and dozens of cards between her and previous husbands in great detail. It tore me apart and continues to do so. Everyone is telling you that the past is the past. And they're right. But that doesn't make it any easier to get the demons out of your mind. To read "you are my lover, I love you with all of my heart, I love being in bed with you...." on and on and freakin' on is a KILLER. We've talked about it and she is very understanding. She only wants me to get better. Some days I cope. On others, a huge black cloud envelopes me and I can barely function. I'm sure I'll end up seeking some kind of professional help, because I'm a basket case. So, in conclusion, I feel your pain, but I hope that we can get over it somehow and move on. Best of luck to you!
SEARAY is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband Jealous of My Past Relationships VeryMuchInLove General Relationship Discussion 10 01-09-2013 02:09 AM
I'm jealous of my husband's past life Freya Attayanara Physical & Mental Health Issues 27 12-18-2012 10:04 AM
Im so insecure and jealous of my wifes past Drewgar General Relationship Discussion 3 02-26-2012 07:07 PM
Jealous of my husband's past relationships lunalady General Relationship Discussion 8 08-11-2010 01:13 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:21 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage