stevek2007

What Am I Doing Wrong?

My wife and I have been together for ten years. We've been married for three and a half, and have lived together for seven. Money is very tight in our house. We both work very hard just to get by, but we always thrived on that knowlege. All of the money "I" bring in goes to pay bills...all of the money "she" brings in goes for food, entertainment, necessities, etc. We still after all these years have seperate checking accounts. Its not a trust issue, it's just the way its always been.

In the past 8-10 months, it seems like she simply doesn't care anymore. She goes to work at 7AM...gets off at 4, and isn't seen until 9:30 or 10:00 at night. She's always out with her friends. She won't buy groceries so we can have something in the house, we always play it 'day by day' with food around here....so when she's got all the money in the house, she goes out with her friends, out to dinner, out to movies, all the time...and I'm stuck at home doing nothing....with no money, and not a thing in this house to eat or drink. Then half way to pay-day, she complains because we're 'out of money" again and yells at me to go get a better job (I make 13.00 an hour now...which is high for this area).

I'm not saying she can't have "friends" - when we're off together, I don't mind spending time with her friends. Her friends husbands are my best friends. But it seems like every waking moment she's not at work, she's out haphazardly doing whatever she wants. I work 5 nights a week....is it too much to ask that on the two nights I don't have to work that she spend a little time with ME? Or at least make sure there's something in the house to eat or drink while she's off doing whatever she feels like doing?

And then after I've spent the whole day on my day off cleaning house, straightening up, while she's working, FIVE HOURS after she gets off work (now it's 9PM) I call and say "what are we doing for dinner". She gets all huffy and puffy on the phone with me and acts like I'm asking for an act of congress to seperate her from her friends. And she says things on the phone with me when she's in front of her friends that she KNOWS makes me look like an overbearing ogre. "Oh Jesus Christ...I can't help it you're hungry....I'll drop everything I'm doing and come home to feed you".... I'm not an overbearing ogre.



I've made so many compromises in the past months to try and spend time with her and make her happy. I absolutely despise church....I believe in God, but I can't stand organized religion. That's neither here nor there for this conversation, but the point is I've even made a point to start going to church with her...because she asked me to. I've started telling work "no" I can't come in extra hours, on the HOPE maybe I'll get an hour of her free time. But it's to no avail. She just seems like she doesn't care anymore. Her air conditioning in her car broke. It's 100 degrees around here 9 months out of the year...and we can't afford the repair right now, so I just GAVE her my car (it's only two years old) and said "here, drive mine" since the only place I go is to work and back. That wasn't even good enough for her. She wants "her" vehicle.

Our sex life is gone. We used to go at it four or five times a week. Now we're lucky to get twice a month, and when I ask for it she, once again, just "does it" to "shut me up". That's not the way it should be. Then she's off to her friends again.

I don't believe its' possible to be Married AND Single at the same time. I just believe that if you're MARRIED, you should spend a little time with the person youre MARRIED to...and have a little consideration for their needs.....a marriage is TWO people. Why is one more important to the other?

I know its going to sound like I'm whining...but this just doesn't seem 'fair' to me. And I can't live without her...monetarily....I can't afford to live without her. The cost of living in this area is too high to live by yourself on the money I make...because we're a college town, and everything is priced extrordinarily high. And to be honest, I don't WANT to be without her. I want to be WITH HER, but it just seems like the more I try, the more she decides otherwise.

What am I doing wrong?

draconis

You are right it isn't fair to you.

1) COmmunication is the key to any relationship. If she isn't communicating or giving you a chance to then there is something wrong.

2) Sex~You said your sex life was suffering. Sex can be like a rollercoaster get a lot for a while then very little for a stretch then it picks up again. But it should never feel like you are starving. Maybe she isn't interested anymore. Maybe she is using sex as a weapon.

3) Her friends Do you know that she is always out with them and how do their S/O take it? My wife and I might spend a day a week doing our own thing. Some time alone to be "your own person" isn't bad. But everyday is a problem. A marriage is like a partnership both have to put into it.

4) Her car, I am sorry but I see a problem with giving her your car so she can run around. It seems to me like you take it as a big issue. Maybe if she had to work extra to fix her car she might learn to not be a brat.

5) If she is always out doing her own thing there is a problem. You provide x while she should be doing y. You can't eat because she blows her money being out then complains there is no money. Stop going out all the time and you'd have money.

6) Tell her that if x,y,z doesn't change the relationship can not make it. CHances are she is either having a mid-life crisis or to her the relationship is over.

7) Give her, her own space and use time for yourself. SHe might get lonely if you don't bugger her even if she gets pissed when you do. It sounds weird but trust me.

I would prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. You might think of getting a part time 15 hour a week job so you can buy your own food and have spending money. It may help if you two go your own way. You may need a freind or marriage councilor to solve bigger issues. I would also take a long look at myself if I was you to see if there might be an underlining reason for all of this. Most of the time we never see our own flaws.

Best of luck.

draconis

mamab

I think she's way off base, and needs a reality check. Perhaps therapy is in order?