confused1

Hi all,

I am looking for advice and input from you guys on here.

I have been married for 8 years, with my wife for 9.5 years and I am worried I am losing my wife. Bit of a story but want to give you background.

8 years ago after we were married, we lost twins. My wife becaome close with a male friend at work, texting each other all the time etc. I couldnt handle it and long story short my wife finished the friendship.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago. We now have 3 young kids, 6, 4, and 10 months, and my wife started martial arts classes. I knew she was enjoying it - it was an outlet for her as she is a stay at home mum, and proud of her. I also noticed she was being a bit more secretive with her phone over last 2 months, and about 3 weeks ago I was at work and had a sick feeling in my stomach. I rung her and asked where she was and she said one of her friends. I went immediately there and she wasnt there. When I got home I said I had been to her friends when she admitte she had gone to her Tae instructors for a cup of tea, but didint tell me as she knew I would be jealous and blow up - which is true.

Anyway, since this she has told me that they have become very close friends, but that is it. She texts him all the time, goes around to his house once or twice a week - all now with telling me and being open. He has been to our house, and is supposed to be coming again before christmas. My wife says that she loves me, wants to be with me and that I shoudlnt feel threatened, but that she wants to feel more than just a wife and mum, and to also have friends.

I now find myself paranoid about it all, athough I know I love her to bits and trust her. Its reaching stupid point where I cannot think of anything else, and every single thing makes me stupid. Examples include me seeing her accidently deleting messages from her phone (came into room when she had back turned) and the first part of the sentance was 'and that why I want you.,....'. Yep I know, could have been anything. She also showed me a tattoo today with the word e n t w i n e d on it she is thinking about. I immediately thought it was to do with him, and she said a sentance - we are all entwined together'. Im pretty sure it was a word in a text from him as a week ago I caught her looking in a dictionary for the first time ever.

I have told her that I am trying to come to terms with this friendship, but she has never had a male friend before, and the intensity is frightening. I told her this in an email, and she said that I have just never had a friend like this, and that women are more intense with their friendships.

SO what do I do? I love her and our family to bits and dont want to lose her - I guess I have to let this all go and let her get on with it. I know I am smothering her a bit lately and she has said as much always telling her I love her etc. I just dont know what to do. I am also being treated for depression which isnt helping much.

Amplexor

She is telling you something very important here. She wants to be outside her box she finds herself in. She wants friendship, likely romance and attention. It is likely she is involved in an EA her. TOM is providing her with something she doesn’t feel like she is getting at home. You are correct don’t dote on her. Give her a little space and show her you love her in your actions not words. The “friendship” with TOM is out of bounds if she is hiding or being secretive about it. She knows it is wrong. You will likely need to spend time talking about that relationship and let her know how damaging it is to the marriage and hurtful to you. There is noting wrong with opposite sex friendships in a marriage but they must be within the boundaries. How are the other aspects of your marriage. Do you date, communicate well, enjoy each other’s company… ?

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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

magicsunset08

If they are just frends there is no reason to have secrets. My feelings are....this is how affairs start. It is fine to have friends of the opposite sex, but not to where they secretly text and go over to each others house. My wife had a friend......that she ended up having sex with on several occasions over the course of a year. They were just frinds as she put it. I am sorry, I don't feel you can be married and have friends like that. It's a catch 22 for you. If you let it go..you are a pushover that she will no longer respect. If you confront her...you are the insecure jealous husband.. For me, I came to the point where I told my wife that if her friendship with the other guy was more important than how it makes me feel, then go ahead. I also asked her how she would feel if the tables were turned. ( this was before i knew they were having sex!) Good luck.

confused1

I have had a bad year, which has meant my wife has had a bad year. I had a motorbike accident that resulted in me being laid up just after the birth of our last son. Then I had to have another op. She also told me that I was spending too much time working on my bikes and not enough with the family. I told her I recognise this now. In terms of being open - she now texts him in front of me, asks if its OK to go around to his etc. I recognise that I need to be a bit of a better husband, but she is closed off to conversations. She tells me I am being paranoid, that he isnt a threat, but that they are just friends, albeit close ones.

I have lost a lot of weight lately, gone off food etc. Her best friend said she talked to her and that my wife said she loves me and the family and wouldnt cheat on me.

Amplexor

Again, she's telling you something very important here. Show her your commitment with you actions, not words. She is not willing to communicate yet.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

confused1

she keeps telling me that she just wants me to get back to normal - but to accept this friendship. I dont know how I can approach the friednship discussion wothout it seeming accusative.

confused1

So based on this input, is this the best idea?

1. WHen she gets home after martial arts tonight I will:
- Explain that I recognise that I havent been the most attnetive husband of late, that she is my world, and that I want to work with her together on this.
2. Ask her what she feels she gets from this friendship and if there is anything I can do to address this? Explain my fears because of where these things can lead and how it makes me feel.
3. Tell her I love her, and that moving forward I will put words into action, then shut up and get on with it.

Does this sound OK?

GAsoccerman

I have multiple female friends not including my wife, I can hang out with them, go to a bar with them. My wife does not get jealous, nor does she have to be, I view these women like sisters/friends. (for the record I have 5 real sisters) I am very comfortable around women.

So she has introduced you to this man, and you have met him? Did you try and become friends with him? How does he treat you?

Do you have any friends that are couples? The women I am friends with, I am also friends with the husband and will hang out with them seperately as well.

Instead of cutting him off, I would try and bridge a friendship with him, maybe you and him can hang out. Is he married? maybe go out as couples?

I take it your wife is very social, or wants to be, and you are not as social. She needs this outlet, she wants social friends, I imagine it is easier for her to talk to men as opposed to women, that happens sometimes.

Sometimes Jealousy is hard to break, it's about trust and communication.

confused1

Thanks Soccerman - its seemed as though everyone felt it was the start of an affair and it was on its way out.

I know because of the kids she has only a few female friends. She tells me that she used to have male friends before me, but that my jealously stopped her last female friendship.

Yes - I have met him. My wife wanted me to so he came around to our house. We got on. He told me he didnt want to come between our marriage. My wife is also inviting him around before christmas for a meal. He is single, and lives on his own. My wife says it is nice and quiet around there, but she thinks it is very lonely for him. Maybe this is both reasons why she wants to go around there. Since my discovering aout the friendship she has been open about it.

Part of me also says I cant think for a minute she would want me to meet him, invite him around, and wants him here for New year if behind the scenes something was going on surely?

swedish

I'm thinking part of the reason she enjoys this friendship is because it doesn't feel like work. Marriage is work especially with the rough year you've had, but at this point I don't think I'd talk about 'working with her' but rather acknowledge that you haven't been attentive and that is going to change as of now.
I think explaining your fears is a good idea. Not from the jealous me angle but maybe print off something on emotional affairs and just talk to her about it...does she feel her friendship has these signs? and that you are concerned that it may go in that direction if she is feeling things are missing from your marriage. Being understanding that she needs a social life and friends might be a better approach to keep the communication lines open. I also like GASOCCERMAN's idea to join them some time.
Love this part...she probably doesn't want to hear it...you just need to start doing it.

GAsoccerman

Confused1. I personally just think she wants him as a friend only.

He just may be a lonely guy. I have a single male friend that is very lonely, he likes to socialized, he will talk to my wife when he calls our house and e-mail her as well. But again it's all open communication. Plus being lonely during the holidays is a bummer.

I think your wife would enjoy all of you to be friends, she knows your jealousy and does not want to hurt you, but to protect you, she hurts you, so being open and honest is always the best policy.

Jealousy is a inner demon, something only you can get over, or move on from.

You may need counseling for your jealousy, you must have had a cheating girlfriend at one time.

I ahd a girlfriend who was a nympho, found out she was sleeping around, friends included.

It took me a long time to trust again, but I came across my wife and I was jealous in the beginning, But I sat down and really thought it out. Jealousy only does internal damage and relationship damage, it is no good for the soul. You have to get over it.

It took me a while and I got over it, now my wife wishes I would get jealous sometimes..

But I think your wife is a special person, she loves you dearly and has put up with your jealousy even causing some relationships to end, but she chose you to be with. You need to do the same, grow some and learn to be more trusting of your wife, not all people cheat or look to have relationships with others.

I enjoy people I am very social, sure I flirt with others so does my wife, BUt I am not going anywhere or will ever do anything behind her back. I know she will do the same for me.

beat the green moster that is jealousy, before it bats you.

I think the friendship will be ok, but get to know the guy and welcome him around, the more he is around you and your wife, the more you will be comfortable and so will your wife, as well as the guy.

the best things in life are good friends, maybe you can add one to your life.

best of luck

voivod

y'know, there's a lot of wisdom in this post. if you could bottle this, you could retire. a lot of people (myself included) could use this carved into there forehead!

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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7

confused1

Well it exploded last night. I did something awful - I logged into her card making account and found a card from her to him - on the cover it had a man and woman, and the words said - XXX(her) had come to bed eyes, and TOM had a T-Shirt - and on the front of tshirt it said shag. Inside it said, couldnt resist this one, happy birthday gorgeous.

I felt sick, physically and emotionally, so grabbed my keys and ran straight to the drug box, grabbed as many pills as I could then a bottle of whisky from a shop and headed to the coast to end it.

I had my mobile on and off getting texts from people, in the end her best friend called saying it was all a mistake, it was just meant as a flirty fun card to him and to come home. It took every ounce to do it but I did. I did send her an awful text saying how sh must feel proud after going behind my back with him, shaggin him etc. That was ****ty but at the time I was about to end it. I also changed my medication about 4 days ago for depression and I have been up and down like a yoyo.

We talked, and I cant say things are great, but after my wife went out for an hour she came back saying that she loves me, but is not 'In love' with me like I am with her, and values the marriage and family so isnt ready to give up on it yet. SHe has said this morning the card was a mistake and was a little fun. she said she would never risk her family.

Thing is Im in two minds. I have gone through hell with this friend situation and she has pushed it and pushed it regardless of how it has made me feel, I feel sick to the pit of my stomach when I look at those words on that card. What does love but not in love mean? I am prepared to try, but I dont know if it is a losing cause. I asked her what I meant to her and she said she loves me and wont give up on marriage. She is also still determined with this friendship from what I can tell. Any advice? After last night almost killing myself, I have realised I am a decent guy - not bad looking, loving, love my kids, and I shouldn't be a doormat. Thats how I feel.

Both emotionally drained today.

StrongEnough

I am so sorry for the evening you had. I am sure that was terrible to have happen and to find things that literally knock the wind out of you. I am also glad that you did not end your life. Your children need you and come hell or high water, you need to be there for them.
On a positive side, it is good that your wife and you talked. It sounds like she is committed to making some changes, but is not ready to give up her friendship. Are you both in counseling right now?

Amplexor

Your wife went out of bounds with the card, she was wrong and she knows it. This is an EA plain and simple. She will need to make a choice, her family or him. She cannot have it both ways, she is playing a dangerous game here.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.