General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and i have been married for two years. Most of the time I'm unhappy with him. Its simple things that I've learned aren't going to change (putting down the seat, not putting his partially smoked buts in the mailbox, not doing the chores he says he will). But what really gets to me is his lieing.
When we first me he told me he had been in the army and discharged, he told me he was an archaeologist whom didn't have a good break, was worldly, etc. I believed him being young and stupid. As time went on and he told me more about his 'past' I realized things werent adding up. Such as the time it would take for everything he said was simply far too much. So one day we took a drive and I explained to him that I didn't fully believe what he said. Eventually he came clean. He hadn't gone to the military he didn't even have his highschool diploma. And for all intensive purposes the furtherest he'd ever come to being a traveller was going to Vegas.
Angry with him I told him it would take time and understanding to work through this and that the best way was to come clean with everything and start again.
Sadly though my husband insists on continuing to lie. He lied about what type of license he had, he lied about paying bills, even calling in to work when sick.
I'm so tired of the lies. I've told him it makes me feel disrespected and like he really doesn't care for the marriage. I'm at witts end, I'm not sure if I should leave or go. He feels we don['t need counselling even though I have requested we go, since he believes that counselling will just be a bash fest on his part. I have admitted I have flaws of my own, that need work and have tried hard to continue to work on them.
It sounds like your husband is a pathological liar. He probably learned at an early age that it was better for him to lie than to tell the truth. People who are pathological liars often were abused or neglected when they were young and they make up stories in order for people to like them. What can you do? Let him know that you accept him for who he is, and don't expect him to be a billionaire, incredibly good looking, and a veteran of 4 wars. Let him know that it is okay to be "normal" and live a non-glorified life. Let him know that honesty means more to you than fame or money.
As for his part, he might do well getting into his own individual counseling to deal with some of his issues from the past (such as the neglect).
I couldn't live in a relationship like that. I can't blame you for wanting to fix it. You never know who you are married to if the story keeps changing.
I'd think you would be well within your rights to insist on some sort of counseling for the marriage to continue.
(The lying may be excusable, but one day he will innocently be hanging out with a female friend or forget a bill, you will call him on it, he will tell you the truth, you will not believe him because of his history. And that's where the real problem is IMO.)
While he did have a troubled up bringing (so he says, few things have been confirmed by a trusted source), he tried going to counselling and says they're load of B.S. and won't go because 'he's not crazy' while I acknowledge to him he's not 'crazy' he still believes that counselling will not aid him. I have plenty of times told him it doesn't matter to -me- where we live, what he does, the amount of money in the account, and if we've ever cruised Europe he feels socially as though he has to do better, he gets irritated if he spills water on his pants and insists on buying new ones when out. Which is a waste of money in my mind if the pants are just fine!
Basically what I'm saying is I dont have a big enough army to get him into a counseller's office, let alone LISTEN to one.
I don't see much hope for this relationship. He doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't want to change. These are not small lies. He has a self esteem problem, and I don't think you can fix it.
Thats what I fear. I feel like I'm on a treadmill. "It hurts me when you lie, why would you lie about <insert item>?" I know its belittling him but there's only so much I can take I feel like I'm raising a child.
What was it about him that made you want to date him in the first place? Why did you consent to marrying him? Does he treat you differently than he did back then? Do you treat him differently?
When we first got together he was a mature, wonderful person. He was adventurous with a side of caution, and grounded me as a person. He even helped out with the chores at my house while we were dating and I never once asked. I came home to a clean house, and a steaming dinner.
I try and treat him as I want to be treated, respected, and loved. I have self insecurities which daily I work on because they can be trying. I have to admit I have gotten more easily agitated, mostly because ever since he moved in he doesn`t do anything without repeat reminds and even nagging. As for my consent to marry him I was young, and honestly thought he was the one for me. He proposed before we had lived together and I thought he was going to be like that from the word go seeing as during out courting he had always been helpful and supportive.
Possibly why I overlooked any flaws that may have been there was because my previous relationships were abusive. I`m a kind person with a large heart, and fall sometimes too easily I know. my last relationship before my husband had left me with a sour taste in my mouth and several scars emotionally, and physically which were hard to work through.
Thats what I fear. I feel like I'm on a treadmill. "It hurts me when you lie, why would you lie about <insert item>?" I know its belittling him but there's only so much I can take I feel like I'm raising a child.
Seems like people dont understand that when you lie, even once, about something that may even be small, you alter how someone feels about you. You cant buy trust and its even harder to replace.
There is a huge difference between lying about little things and lying pathologically; neither is acceptable (to me, at least) however there is a difference between saying your arse does look good in those jeans, and saying he served in the military...
You must decide whether or not the good outweighs the bad. And your husband needs professional help.
Similar thing here....
I have caught hubby in several lies - some are BIG deal, some are not even about me, but still a lie all the same, so has me wondering why he lies as easily as most tell the truth.... Is is a disease that he can't help or what....the weird part is when you confront them that they lied to you - they look at you like a deer caught in the headlights, what me? why dont you just trust me? HMMM I WONDER WHY
if you come up with answers to this one, I would love to know too!
I'm so tired of the lies. I've told him it makes me feel disrespected and like he really doesn't care for the marriage. I'm at witts end, I'm not sure if I should leave or go. He feels we don['t need counselling even though I have requested we go, since he believes that counselling will just be a bash fest on his part. I have admitted I have flaws of my own, that need work and have tried hard to continue to work on them.
So what is a girl to do?
You're right, he is not respecting you. He is not respecting your marriage. Lying is a choice. How can you ever trust him, if you don't know the truth about who he is? This is not a small problem. Everyone has flaws, but egregious dishonesty is not one that you should ignore in an intimate partnership.
You should tell him that either he can go to counseling or he can sign divorce papers. And you should be prepared to follow it through. I suggest being tough because it sounds like he won't listen otherwise.
Could it be that because he is not as supportive as in the past that made you suddenly notice that he is a pathological liar? You need to come out clearly.From your post he seemed to have filled in well in helping you get over the very last nasty relationship you had before marriage, then where did things suddenly change?These questions need to be carefully answered as a good beginning to addressing the current challange in your marriage. You should assure you husband that your love him the way he is but that what disgust you is the lies he tells.You should also go the extra mile of helping him identify the ways / things he could do to improve his current situation without being judemental.While on your part you need to be more accomodationg having discovered this strong shortcoming about his personality.
If you expect him to put the seat down, then he should expect you to put the seat up. If you don't do it, he can piss on the seat and it's all your fault because you didn't leave it up.
Quote:
not putting his partially smoked buts in the mailbox
Wow. Having an affair is something people can overcome, but this is so far beyond that. That's like spitting on your carpet or pooping in the sink. You should leave him for this alone.
1Likes
Married a Liar 
Re: Married a Liar 
