First thank you for looking. Let me explain my situation.
I met my husband almost 7 years ago. I am 28, and he is 40. There is a big age difference I know.
We were madly in love with each other, and I do still love him. We moved away from my home in a different state, to a new state where his family lives. I havent gotten the chance to make any friends. I dont have a car and work from home (my car died a horrible death and we still havent replaced it). We've been here for some time and I never got to make any friends out here as I work from home and never actually meet anyone. We got married 2 years ago, and things have been getting worse since. He started to treat me more like he was my father, rather then my lover. Constantly telling me I wasnt doing something right, or lecturing me on how I should do things. Like if I forgot to pay the car insurance the day before he would scream at me for hours about how i was undependable, and how he couldnt rely on me for anything.
My husband doesnt drink a lot. But he is a social drinker. If he has one drink he has to have another, and if that doesnt give him a buzz, he keeps going, until he does and when he gets drunk, he gets very touchy feely, and clingy. He got fresh once with a girl at a bar we were at once....anyway he got a new job that required him to travel occasionally. Once a year to last vegas, (that happens every year) and then maybe 5-6 other short get aways the rest of the year. ON his first trip to vegas I asked him to please not drink while i wasnt there, and I told him how i felt and he said "lets make a deal that when we are out of town neither of us will drink unless we are together" I said that was ok. Well I called him one morning to wake him up (as per his req so he wouldnt oversleep) and he was completely hung over. I could tell. ....any way long story short he ended up going out to a nightclub there and spent 300.00. He made up all sorts of different stories about what the 300.00 was spent on, slot machines at first, then he changed it to a room charge, then it was something else, I finally told him it said the name of the nightclub on our cc statement and he finally told me the truth.
I forgave him...but told him I wasnt happy about it. ( i should note that he did get fired from a good job becuase he got drunk one night and ran into someone elses car in his company car and thats another reason I ask him not to do that ) Next time he went out of town. He went out with some coworkers (his field is all female hes like the only man) out of town with woman ive never met and drinking again. This time i didnt call him out on it and wanted to see if he would tell me first and he didnt. when he got home i asked him about it and he made up 1 story this time, and then finally told me the truth yes he went out drinking. THis time though he said he understood, and "I got it now" and he wouldnt let it happen again. Vegas time rolls around agian. I told him again, to please keep his promise to me. He had a funtion to go on a saturday night and he said he would call me as soon as it was over. 2am rolled around and he still handnt called me. he wasnt asnwering his phone and he wasnt in his hotel room. 3am comes and he calls me. This time though he was honest he was in a nightclub with his coworkers, (the one where the ladies dance in langerie on the tables) and he had something to drink. He was slurring his words and I was pissed but at least glad he didnt lie about it after the fact this time. A few weeks later my mom passed away, and it was very hard on me as it was very unexpected and she was healthy and was one of those ventilator decisions that my siststers and I had to make. And I felt so guilty about moving away and missing out on her last years.
(sorry for the long backstory)
Fast forward a year later, and I learned i was pregnant. I was so terribly excited about the baby, and planned an exam. It was the first bright thing in my life i had felt since my mothers passing. Turned out the pregnancy was eptopic. It was a rather hard one too. I had to take pills to end the pregnancy, and go in every 48hrs for blood tests and the fetus was still growing and finally had to have a shot they only give in chemo therapy to end the pregnancy. I was completely devestated. I was stuck at home, with a broken foot ( oh yes i broke my foot in the middle wonderful string of luck eh?), suffered a miscarriage, had no car, and felt like utter crap.
The only social life we really have outside of home, besides the occasional trip to his moms house or his sisters or the once a year party one of his friends will host is we game online. I know it sounds silly, but thats really the only social outlet i have is to hang out with my friends online and it helped keep me sane. I started talking to a guy in the game and we started to have an emotional affair. Yes. Thats right. I turned out to be the bad guy. We never met in real life. Just had a lot in common, and formed a emotional bond with each other. About 5 weeks after all this started i was feeling Horribly guilty about it, and wanted to stop this with the internet guy. I just didnt know how too. I knew he would be hurt. Well. I forgot to mention in my giant wall of text, that for the whole 7 years my husband had a habit of constantly checking up on me, checking my internet cookies, my cell phone, my email etc. Like I was cheating on him. I never did, until this emotional affair. Well he decided one morning he would look at my email and found some emails from the other guy...
My husband,, obviously crushed, screamed at me for sometime, and i took it, becuase i deserved it. He called me names, he sent copies of the email to his address so in case we get divorced i cannot try and get spousal support. The next day, he told me, he was very hurt, but wanted to try and work it out. I was a little shocked to be perfeclty honest. But gratefull becuase I do love him, and I feel sick thinking about what i did. For the past several weeks, we have been talking about it, and doing more things together. I ended all contact with the other guy. And Ive been working my ass off to show him that I love him and that im sorry.
Life after something like that is even worse then it was before. I know, I dug my own grave. But now, he wants me to write down all my passwords, he checks my internet history every day. He wants my bank account passwords, and checks that every day. If im on a call at work and he calls me and I dont answer, and i call him back he starts with the "why didnt oyu answer the phone what were you doing??" spanish inquisition. I needed coffee last week, and i knew if i asked him to stop on his way home he would complain about how hes been at work all day and had to commute and I didtn want to hear it so I asked his sister drive me to the store and she did. I phoned him to see if he would like me to pick up anything for him, and he didnt answer. He finds out and asks why i did nt tell him i was going. He said it was just strange that i would just go to the store without telling him. Basically from now on I have to give him a daily itinerary of what i did, who I spoke to, every move i make is maticulously monitored by him and heavily scrutinized.
Things started to get a little better this week. He layed off on the interrogations a tad and we just enjoyed each others company doing things we used to do together when we first started dating. He had to go out of town yesturday and we kissed each other goodbye. We chatted after he got off the plane at noon and at 11pm when i got off work i realized i hadnt heard from him. I called him and he said he was at a sports bar watching the football game. He said he was having a beer while waiting for his to go food to be done. Now...in the 7 years I have known him, he has never ever watched a sporting event except the superbowl which we typicaly only flip back to that to watch the commercials and that is it....well I thought you know thats fine, i did cheat on him he can have a beer, 30 min later he calls to see what im doing. I ask him what hes going and he said hes decided hes going to eat his food there, and watch the rest of the game and have some more beer....I gritted my teeth and just went with it, well he gets drunk and starts slurring his words.
He then tells me that he doesnt care how i feel about him drinking when hes out of town, becuase its nothing compared to what ive done to him, and if he wants to go out and drink he can. He told me he is done trying to save the marriage. How was him getting drunk knowing how i feel about him doing that helping our marriage? he went into that bar knowing it was destructive. I called him on it. He said he didnt do anything wrong and he didnt care how i felt. He feels like he gets a free pass from now on becuase nothing that he ever does will EVER compare to what i did to him. He told me also that I shoudlnt be here when he gets home.
So here is my dilemma. I appologize for all the text but the backstory was necessary. I really need some advice here. I dont know if hes going to come home and say hes sorry again. Is the rest of our lives going to be like this if i do? Is he always going to hold this over my head, and feel hes justified doing things that I ask him not to do becuase its not as bad as what i did to him? Is he always going to feel like he should get away with anything becuase Im the one that cheated and im the bad guy here?
Please help me. I dont know what to do, Im half a country away from my family, and have noone to talk to.
Thank you in advance for looking at this.