When does counseling start to make you feel different?

inneedof · 09-09-2011, 01:17 PM

I read a lot on here. I don't have a good understanding of what has caused the change in me...many, many things piled up and it almost seems to have taken on a life of its own over the last 18 months...going from my blaming him for not being there to blaming myself for wanting more, but it is definitely there now. We have been married for almost 17 years. We have made smart, prudent choices all of our married lives. We have never been "passionate" about each other, but certainly have placed our family first in our lives and had love there. Two great kids. And I would never have thought I would even allow myself to consider divorce...but that is where I am at. I have been in counseling indvidually for 3 months, and together in MC for 1 month. The Counselor says we both have a lot of anxiety ... yeah of course...and it is getting worse. I guess I hoped that there was some magic fix to make us feel closer or better. But truthfully, I feel no change and see neither of us making progress - not that saying "thank you" more often isn't nice, it is just not enough. Neither is telling us to communicate, when neither of us knows what to say. I have read book and the counselor even suggested "Too good to leave, and too bad to stay." That one still leaves me in limbo. Anyone have some insight on how counseling should work ... maybe this isn't right for us.

Acorn · 09-09-2011, 01:42 PM

When I was about to start individual counseling, I asked my best friend how long his IC took and he said it took him 1.5 years.

Somewhere in the last three months, I feel like I understand now. It's been 1 3/4 years for me. I guess I'm more stubborn than my friend.

Acorn · 09-09-2011, 01:43 PM

I should probably add that my issues stemmed a lot around childhood abuse so with any luck your issues are not as involved as mine were.

RoseRed · 09-09-2011, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by inneedof

I read a lot on here. I don't have a good understanding of what has caused the change in me...many, many things piled up and it almost seems to have taken on a life of its own over the last 18 months...going from my blaming him for not being there to blaming myself for wanting more, but it is definitely there now. We have been married for almost 17 years. We have made smart, prudent choices all of our married lives. We have never been "passionate" about each other, but certainly have placed our family first in our lives and had love there. Two great kids. And I would never have thought I would even allow myself to consider divorce...but that is where I am at. I have been in counseling indvidually for 3 months, and together in MC for 1 month. The Counselor says we both have a lot of anxiety ... yeah of course...and it is getting worse. I guess I hoped that there was some magic fix to make us feel closer or better. But truthfully, I feel no change and see neither of us making progress - not that saying "thank you" more often isn't nice, it is just not enough. Neither is telling us to communicate, when neither of us knows what to say. I have read book and the counselor even suggested "Too good to leave, and too bad to stay." That one still leaves me in limbo. Anyone have some insight on how counseling should work ... maybe this isn't right for us.

Patience... these things take time. 17 years of a relationship doesn't get fixed in 1 month... impossible. The learning process, both as an individual and within a marriage isn't an 'overnight' process. I've been in IC for about a year and 8 months is MC... at this point we are just now starting to get to the core of issues... I believe for a good solid fix... its gonna take a good solid amount of time. One thing that is absolutely required in IC and MC... an open heart, mind and spirit.

Blanca · 09-09-2011, 10:15 PM

I had similar frustration when I first started IC a couple years ago due to the issues in my marriage. I thought that something dramatically good should happen to make amends for all the bad that happened. My H and I were starting to make small changes but like you said, none of it really put a dent in all the negative feelings I had. My counselor said simply that it can feel like there should be some phenomenal good event to wipe out the bad but it doesnt happen that way.

It's taken a few years for the little good things to accumulate to the point that they are intense enough to displace the bad that built over the years. The process is long because in order for the negative aspects to become less intense you have to first be able to recognize what those negative things are and then take steps to change that dynamic. You are at the first stage of recognizing there is a problem; you havent even gotten to how to change that dynamic yet. You dont even sound sure you want to try and change the dynamic. I think this is really the hardest stage but you will gravitate towards what you really want even if you're not consciously aware of it. Try to be aware of your direction but observing your attitude and decisions.

Coming up with an approach to change the dynamic would be the next step. That effort is not contributing to the good at first. It's putting a stop to the accumulation of bad. Sometimes that change in dynamic adds a lot of stress to the relationship, and can last years as you work out different solutions and hurdles, so it doesnt necessarily add a positive aspect. That is why it takes so long for the actual good things to take effect and out-weigh the bad.

After the change in dynamic is initiated and embraced by both partners then the stress decreases and you can start feeling the effects of the other positive changes, like saying 'thank you' more often. But it's slow and still takes additional years.

inneedof · 09-12-2011, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blanca

I had similar frustration when I first started IC a couple years ago due to the issues in my marriage. I thought that something dramatically good should happen to make amends for all the bad that happened. My H and I were starting to make small changes but like you said, none of it really put a dent in all the negative feelings I had. My counselor said simply that it can feel like there should be some phenomenal good event to wipe out the bad but it doesnt happen that way.

It's taken a few years for the little good things to accumulate to the point that they are intense enough to displace the bad that built over the years. The process is long because in order for the negative aspects to become less intense you have to first be able to recognize what those negative things are and then take steps to change that dynamic. You are at the first stage of recognizing there is a problem; you havent even gotten to how to change that dynamic yet. You dont even sound sure you want to try and change the dynamic. I think this is really the hardest stage but you will gravitate towards what you really want even if you're not consciously aware of it. Try to be aware of your direction but observing your attitude and decisions.

Coming up with an approach to change the dynamic would be the next step. That effort is not contributing to the good at first. It's putting a stop to the accumulation of bad. Sometimes that change in dynamic adds a lot of stress to the relationship, and can last years as you work out different solutions and hurdles, so it doesnt necessarily add a positive aspect. That is why it takes so long for the actual good things to take effect and out-weigh the bad.

After the change in dynamic is initiated and embraced by both partners then the stress decreases and you can start feeling the effects of the other positive changes, like saying 'thank you' more often. But it's slow and still takes additional years.

Thanks for the input Blanca. I am not sure how to change the dynamic, since I feel I have completely withdrawn from the problems and am simply dealing with everything on my own. I guess that is what you mean by adding additional stress...I would have to re-engage...and maybe I don't want to. I know what direction I feel this is heading in my heart. I just don't know if I am quitting the process to soon...but it has been so long in limbo that I am just wanting a life again...as I am sure my H does as well.