Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

I am in my 30's, I have been with my wife since high school, married now with kids.

So yes, my wife's best friend is another man that she works with, and has been for more than a few years now. The other man is married himself and has kids. They're becoming best friends isn't a huge surprise to me, as she has been pretty open about their relationship. Her co-worker BF also hangs out with us quite a bit, mostly because we don't have any other "couple" friends that also have kids. On occasion, I have hung out with him away from my wife - partially because she urges me to, and partially because, well, he's actually a pretty good guy that I get along with and fits into our group of friends.

My relationship with my wife has always been great, we talk all the time, and our sex life is absolutely fantastic.

So why all the fuss? Bottom line, I feel like in someways he is having an EA with my wife, though she may not interpret it as that.

Whenever we go out as a couple, his wife comments about how he never talks to her about stuff, but talks to my wife about everything (somehow this doesn't bother her?). And if you ever met his wife, she's not at all bi***y, quite the opposite, but...I'll refrain from any mean opinions, but she is totally different from us and I would never have paired them together. So in short, I get the feeling that he has this relationship with my wife as something that he doesn't get from his own.

He is also very flirty when he is drunk - now really, who isn't - but this means whenever we go out I am extremely protective, and this bugs my wife, who agrees with me that he likes my wife's attention, but doesn't think that he'll try to act on it other than being playful.

I guess there are just things that I have a hard time being comfortable with, but I feel like I can chalk those up to jealousy (occasional texting, lunch away from work). But every once in a while those little things stir up the feelings I typed above, and though she has said many times "Maybe I should stop being friends with him", I know she doesn't mean it, but that's because it would probably hurt her - she has tried to make other girlfriends at work, but they just aren't very friendly or as outgoing.

So since I feel like I have to just suck it up, how can I make this easier on myself and my wife?
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

My take on this is that your wife is being pretty up front and honest with you, but you need to be clear about your boundaries.

I think her line about "Maybe I shouldn't be friends with him" is an opportunity for you to step up and give her your boundaries about the situation. Of course you can't control who she chooses as friends, but you can decide what over the line is for you. (If it were me, I'd start with no opposite-sex lunch dates without the other spouse being there, but everyone is different.)

I wouldn't just let it go without saying your piece on that matter. It seems like your wife is looking to you for direction. You will lose respect in her eyes if you don't take some kind of action, in my opinion.
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Old 09-09-2011, 02:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

That is good advice, because I think she is looking for direction. The Oppo-lunch dates (only a few times) have always been initiated by him. The first time, she quick asked if it was okay, and I was all "yeah, he's married, what do I have to worry about" to her, but obviously that was a front because I didn't want her to think I was controlling. Then when it would happen again, I got mad. The last time, she remembered me being mad and turned him down because she felt bad, but then asked if I would meet them. It never happened because I was busy, but you're right about direction. Our conversations regarding the topic have been recent, so I think I will bring that up.

So if I can be more firm in my stances I can prevent the things I feel uncomfortable about. But then what to do about him? I don't know if I feel comfortable telling him to back off my wife, because sometimes it is REALLY hard to tell if the EA I think he is having with my wife is something he is aware he is even doing.
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Old 09-09-2011, 03:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

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The Oppo-lunch dates (only a few times) have always been initiated by him.
Well of course.

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Originally Posted by Energy View Post
The first time, she quick asked if it was okay, and I was all "yeah, he's married, what do I have to worry about" to her, but obviously that was a front because I didn't want her to think I was controlling. Then when it would happen again, I got mad. The last time, she remembered me being mad and turned him down because she felt bad, but then asked if I would meet them. It never happened because I was busy, but you're right about direction. Our conversations regarding the topic have been recent, so I think I will bring that up.

So if I can be more firm in my stances I can prevent the things I feel uncomfortable about. But then what to do about him? I don't know if I feel comfortable telling him to back off my wife, because sometimes it is REALLY hard to tell if the EA I think he is having with my wife is something he is aware he is even doing.
I'm not seeing why you can't say, "I thought you and OM going on lunch breaks wouldn't bother me. I was wrong. Please stop." Just be honest. She's on your side.

I am not sure why you are going after the OM so hard, when in reality, you are telling us that your big issue is your wife's boundaries with this guy. Stand up and lead. Make some policies - and make them gender neutral so she understands. Don't say, "I want to read every text from that guy.", but instead, "We need to be completely transparent about our interactions with opposite sex friends, including text messages." Or whatever is appropriate.
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

You are in a situation, that very well could turn out very badly

He is her fall-back guy---if there was ever a problem, or major dissension---and please don't try to tell me they don't happen, cuz they do in all mge's.---she would be off to him in a shot---and it is in those times, that things that never should happen---do happen

Your gut is telling you this ain't right, otherwise you wouldn't be here

Cut it off now---before you all regret what just might happen

Married women, should not have a heavy relationship with another man---that is what the H., is for

A male friend should be talked to, once every couple of days, light-hearted about general things, and that's it

Whether she likes it or not---it is time she cut way back on her relationship with him---possibly even NC---the other 3 may not like it---especially the other couple---but you know what---they don't put food on your table, they don't take care of your family---they don't pay your bills, --they don't handle your emergencies----I hope you get my drift

Find some friends, who are just that basic friends, who do not overstep their bounds

If things with this guy are happening at your wife's job---that also needs to be dealt with

Do not wait---if something happens---the results could very well be devastating
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Old 09-09-2011, 09:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

Don't be a sucker.
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Old 09-09-2011, 11:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

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Originally Posted by Energy View Post
That is good advice, because I think she is looking for direction. The Oppo-lunch dates (only a few times) have always been initiated by him. The first time, she quick asked if it was okay, and I was all "yeah, he's married, what do I have to worry about" to her, but obviously that was a front because I didn't want her to think I was controlling. Then when it would happen again, I got mad. The last time, she remembered me being mad and turned him down because she felt bad, but then asked if I would meet them. It never happened because I was busy, but you're right about direction. Our conversations regarding the topic have been recent, so I think I will bring that up.

So if I can be more firm in my stances I can prevent the things I feel uncomfortable about. But then what to do about him? I don't know if I feel comfortable telling him to back off my wife, because sometimes it is REALLY hard to tell if the EA I think he is having with my wife is something he is aware he is even doing.
The most telling thing is that your here discussing this situation.
You're clearly very uncomfortable with this relationship. He is having the relationship with your wife that he can't /won't have with his own wife.

I wonder who he imagines making love to when he is with his wife.

Are they texting, emailing, Facebook etc. ?

Tell your wife this is really bothering you more and more. What can she suggest? If this were me it would have to have been stopped a long time ago.

Women and men, best friends and that's all? I thought this argument had been settled a long time ago.
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Old 09-10-2011, 05:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

I would tell her that it's clear he has the hots for her, and there is not room in you marriage for her to have a male friend, in a troubled marriage, who has the hots for her, in your lives. Its just not right for a wife to have a male best friend.
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Old 09-10-2011, 09:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

You know what is going on, it's not as if you are completely out to lunch on what is taking place here.


She is obviously aware of it as well.

Ask her, if the roles were reversed and you hung out with a woman whom your wife knew was sexually attracted to you, would she be comfortable with the 'friendship'?
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Old 09-10-2011, 09:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

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I would tell her that it's clear he has the hots for her, and there is not room in you marriage for her to have a male friend, in a troubled marriage, who has the hots for her, in your lives. Its just not right for a wife to have a male best friend.
That is a pretty broad statement. I have a male best friend. We have been friends since I was 16 and he was 14, he is the little brother I never had. I knew him long before I knew my husband and my husband knew about him going into the marriage. Now the male BBF in the originals posters relationship may or not be causing problems, but to say no wife should ever have a male best friend is a little narrow minded.
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Old 09-10-2011, 10:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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At least ajs is upfront with men. I would pass. I'm not interested in sword fights.

Working with men is no biggie, socializing would not be my cup of tea. No matter what women THINK their relationship is with other men, there is always and underlying sexual current with the guy (and women like it) We can't help it. Just the way it is.
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Old 09-10-2011, 10:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

If you are not her best male best friend you have problems dude.
Her having a best friend who is female is fine.

Essentially, you have three people in your marriage. Bad idea. Ticking time bomb.

If they are doing things together without you then they are dating.

Boundaries.
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Old 09-10-2011, 12:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I also have two male best friends. I've had one since grade school and one since junior high. I told every guy I've ever dated that they come with the package. If you can't handle my being friends with them then don't bother with me. I think this guys wife has been very transparent with her relationship with her best friend. They've all been out together, she tells him about the lunches and seems to genuinely care about her husbands feelings on the matter. To say that two people simply can't be friends because one is a man and one is a woman is crazy. Just because some people can't handle it doesn't mean that OP's wife is cheating. Get to know the guy, you said he's a decent guy. And come on, your wife is urging you to hang out with him one on one! Would she really do that if she was having an affair? Working at a place where you have no one to talk to is hard. We are social creatures. If you aren't noticing any red flags, and your only concern is that he's a man and she's a woman, I personally think that's crazy.


and this works both ways...

I can't say any of my OS friends are my best friends... but they are great friends, some I have had before H. If a spouse has an issue that no OS friendship can be strictly plutonic... that is a problem that needs to be addressed. It speaks of insecurities. I have friends both male and female... all have their strict boundaries that I require of them. That's the social system of human nature. Discussions vary from the mundane, like sports, to personal matters just to get another point of view... all is taken with a grain of salt and I can assess the information. Doesn't mean I want to climb into bed with any of them! Gay, straight or otherwise... there is no sexual thought whatsoever! I do understand that as the human species, we are hard wired for certain thought patterns.. threat issues. However we were also graced with a rational brain,I know of course is not always utilized, but we have the potential to use it well... again
the delightful human condition!
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Old 09-10-2011, 12:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's BF is another man, how to deal?

I understand about good friends of the opposite sex---and if you make it clear up front---they come with you, and your prospective partner goes for that fine---I don't really think that is a very successful situation, but it all depends on what the prospective spouse is willing to put up with

I do know that things escalate from friend to lovers in a split second, many times cuz of inflamed feelings---and in that second lives are ruined

The spouse is spose to replace the best friend---

Have friends, of the opposite sex, keep it light, keep it occasional---and it really is none of their business, what goes on behind closed married doors

As to little brothers, same deal---most siblings do not really goes on in the marriage of other sibs---until/unless great problems occur---that the family tries to help out with
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Old 09-10-2011, 04:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I understand about good friends of the opposite sex---and if you make it clear up front---they come with you, and your prospective partner goes for that fine---I don't really think that is a very successful situation, but it all depends on what the prospective spouse is willing to put up with

I do know that things escalate from friend to lovers in a split second, many times cuz of inflamed feelings---and in that second lives are ruined

The spouse is spose to replace the best friend---

Have friends, of the opposite sex, keep it light, keep it occasional---and it really is none of their business, what goes on behind closed married doors

As to little brothers, same deal---most siblings do not really goes on in the marriage of other sibs---until/unless great problems occur---that the family tries to help out with

So, just to clarify, and this begs the question... if family is to be there for one another... as mine is no matter the topic or issue, mundane or deep (well.. what's left of my family that is) what if, lets say, an only child who's parents have passed away, but have very old dear OS friends of the same general age group that are more like a brother or sister... do you mean that the friendship / bond be extinguished just because it is not a blood relative? I'm sorry.. I don't believe in such an isolationistic point of view... I believe it takes a loving caring community of family and friends of all ages and genders to create a whole person and society in general.

just my sociological 2 cents...
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