Issues with sleep... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Issues with sleep...

My wife has sleep issues. She says she cannot sleep at night, but if I don't disturb her, she'll sleep until noon or later. She's been going to sleep earlier and we've both been working on a lot of other stuff.

Previously, I was getting resentful that she was sleeping late. Well, not only that, but she was blaming a lot of bad behavior on a lack of sleep. She's been improving that behavior, but still claims to be tired.

Since she's going to therapy and the gym, I've been trying not to give her my opinion, because I don't know if it's correct.

But maybe I'll just come out and ask the forum. If my wife sleeps from 10pm until 12pm... 14 hours... then she claims that she's still tired.... Is it appropriate for me to suggest that it has nothing to do with how much she's sleeping? If she has a sleep disorder, does that mean she requires more sleep or has to force herself to sleep less?

She keeps on talking about getting 8 hours of sleep, but it seems like she's really looking to get 12 to 14 hours. She claims time spend not able to sleep doesn't count. I've always thought it was better to sleep lightly. I'm not sure that's true, just something I've heard.

I think she's oversleeping and that's making her more tired. But, maybe I'm wrong here. Is it healthy to want to sleep so long?

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 02:53 PM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

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Originally Posted by lessthennone View Post
My wife has sleep issues. She says she cannot sleep at night, but if I don't disturb her, she'll sleep until noon or later. She's been going to sleep earlier and we've both been working on a lot of other stuff.
You said further down that she is going to bed at 10pm and wakes up 12 to 14 hours later.

Does she toss and turn a lot? Does she have leg movements.. jerks during the night?

Does she say that she is in bed but not really asleep much of the night?
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Issues with sleep...

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You said further down that she is going to bed at 10pm and wakes up 12 to 14 hours later.

Does she toss and turn a lot? Does she have leg movements.. jerks during the night?

Does she say that she is in bed but not really asleep much of the night?
I don't notice her tossing and turning, but she does say that she's not able to fall asleep.

The thing I don't understand is that if I couldn't fall asleep, and 8am came around, I'd wake up.

When I try and wake her up in the morning, she jumps. As if I'm waking her out of a deep sleep.
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

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I don't notice her tossing and turning,
Does she snore or make noises sometimes like gasping for air?

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Originally Posted by lessthennone View Post
but she does say that she's not able to fall asleep.
If she says that, believe her.

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The thing I don't understand is that if I couldn't fall asleep, and 8am came around, I'd wake up.

When I try and wake her up in the morning, she jumps. As if I'm waking her out of a deep sleep.
Well that's you. She is not you.

Your wife sounds like she has a sleep disorder. What happens is that after hours of not getting any deep sleep, she might finally get some about the time the sun comes up. So then she cannot wake up easily.

If your wife is not getting good sleep, her mental state is about the same as a drunk person.

Has she had a sleep study by an actual sleep doctor?
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

it might be a sign of depression... your thoughts ?

Last edited by Lostinthought61; 01-22-2016 at 04:13 PM.
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Issues with sleep...

Yes. Well, I actually didn't know if it was depression or some sort of sleep disorder. My wife is a hypochondriac, so if I suggest sleep disorder, she'll be all flustered and then probably make a bunch of appointments. Or she'll say it's normal for a stay at home mom. She does struggle with depression, but I've read that depression induced tiredness has to be overcome by resetting your body clock. In other words, you cannot sleep it off.

Either way, I'm still not sure how to approach it. Right now, she's begun a gym routine and is happy with her progress. I don't want to give her any reason to slow down. But, I'd almost expect her to get more tired by going to the gym.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 03:15 PM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

Does she have to get up in the night to pee a lot? Even for grown ups, sometimes it's best not to drink before bed.

What about electronics use? I recently read that ebook readers and other devices used before bed confuse the brain with their light patterns and actually can make sleep more difficult. The article recommended not using electronic devices close to bedtime or using the settings that mimic real paper books because that light isn't as disruptive.

How long have you been going to the gym? She might be sleeping so much because her body is using a lot of energy to change and she really is exhausted. If that's it, she should regulate when her body becomes used to the workouts.

Sleeping so much could be a sign of depression or SADS.

Or she could just be like my DH. Darn near nocturnal. He's always, since his late teens, had a hard time falling asleep until the wee hours and had a hard time waking up before 11 am. I've been trying to adjust him to a day schedule for over a decade. We have reached a sort of compromise. I have to go to bed around midnight or 1 am to get enough sleep to drive the kids to school in the morning and make it through the day. He cannot possibly fall asleep "that early" unless he's sick or really tired from working. He comes to bed and settles in with me. We cuddle and/or talk. I fall asleep. He stays there and watches gamer replay and commentary videos or reads until he can fall asleep.

I've never understood how he can possibly sleep half the day away and he's never understood how I could possibly like vile morning time. A minor annoying difference we've just had to accept about each other.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 03:22 PM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

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Originally Posted by lessthennone View Post
Yes. Well, I actually didn't know if it was depression or some sort of sleep disorder. My wife is a hypochondriac, so if I suggest sleep disorder, she'll be all flustered and then probably make a bunch of appointments. Or she'll say it's normal for a stay at home mom. She does struggle with depression, but I've read that depression induced tiredness has to be overcome by resetting your body clock. In other words, you cannot sleep it off.

Either way, I'm still not sure how to approach it. Right now, she's begun a gym routine and is happy with her progress. I don't want to give her any reason to slow down. But, I'd almost expect her to get more tired by going to the gym.
Read this after I posted.

When I first started going to the gym, I needed an afternoon nap to function. I probably would have just slept late, but I had to get up to take the kids to school. That only lasted a few weeks and then I adjusted.

RE: depression. Have you brought up her sleep habits to her doctor? Is it possible any medication she may be on is responsible? Some side effects do include disrupted sleep patterns.

Is this something you see more of in the winter than spring and summer?
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Issues with sleep...

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
Does she have to get up in the night to pee a lot? Even for grown ups, sometimes it's best not to drink before bed.

What about electronics use? I recently read that ebook readers and other devices used before bed confuse the brain with their light patterns and actually can make sleep more difficult. The article recommended not using electronic devices close to bedtime or using the settings that mimic real paper books because that light isn't as disruptive.

How long have you been going to the gym? She might be sleeping so much because her body is using a lot of energy to change and she really is exhausted. If that's it, she should regulate when her body becomes used to the workouts.

Sleeping so much could be a sign of depression or SADS.

Or she could just be like my DH. Darn near nocturnal. He's always, since his late teens, had a hard time falling asleep until the wee hours and had a hard time waking up before 11 am. I've been trying to adjust him to a day schedule for over a decade. We have reached a sort of compromise. I have to go to bed around midnight or 1 am to get enough sleep to drive the kids to school in the morning and make it through the day. He cannot possibly fall asleep "that early" unless he's sick or really tired from working. He comes to bed and settles in with me. We cuddle and/or talk. I fall asleep. He stays there and watches gamer replay and commentary videos or reads until he can fall asleep.

I've never understood how he can possibly sleep half the day away and he's never understood how I could possibly like vile morning time. A minor annoying difference we've just had to accept about each other.
Sounds familiar. My wife has a few sleep rituals. She has lots of fans on and the TV on. I've always liked dark and silence, but have had to get used to her habits. Still, a lot of what I read implies that some of those habits should change. If she tells me she cannot sleep, then how can she say that she needs the TV on to help her sleep?

But, I've suggested turning the TV off. No cell phone before bed. Dim lights. Sleep mode.

She started at the gym about two weeks ago. Maybe the additional tiredness is temporary?

I'm not bringing it up with her yet, but is it just normal? Or is it a sign of something else?

Between school and work, I've never been able to sleep late. So mayber 'm just conditioned that way? Of course there was a time she had to wake up for school.
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 08:40 PM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

Quote:
Originally Posted by lessthennone View Post
Yes. Well, I actually didn't know if it was depression or some sort of sleep disorder. My wife is a hypochondriac, so if I suggest sleep disorder, she'll be all flustered and then probably make a bunch of appointments. Or she'll say it's normal for a stay at home mom. She does struggle with depression, but I've read that depression induced tiredness has to be overcome by resetting your body clock. In other words, you cannot sleep it off.

Either way, I'm still not sure how to approach it. Right now, she's begun a gym routine and is happy with her progress. I don't want to give her any reason to slow down. But, I'd almost expect her to get more tired by going to the gym.
Your wife might be a hypochondriac, or she might actually have some real health issues that are not being handled correctly so she actually does feel bad a good part of the time, if not all the time.

There is a strong connection between sleep disorders and depression. Each feeds the other.

It is not clear if your wife has depression. But it sounds like she definitely has a sleep disorder. The disorder might be 'just' bad sleep hygiene. Or she could have something like sleep apnea.

A non-sleep doctor does not know enough about sleep disorders. She needs to see a sleep specialist to get a proper diagnosis. And it might turn out that the entire problem is simply sleep hygiene.

So what if you suggest a sleep disorder and she gets all flustered and makes a bunch of appointments? The worse that could happen is that the sleep doc determines that her problem is simply sleep hygiene. Then they work with her to fix it. She is probably more likely to listen to a doctor about how to do this.

Thatís like saying she might have a broken foot, but Iím not going to suggest is because she might make doc appointments to find out if thatís why her foot hurts.

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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 08:55 PM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

I can easily sleep 14 hours and still want a nap in the middle of the day.

First the Dr checked all my vitamins, thyroid, illness.
Then they decided it was my depression, went on meds.
The meds help enough to get me through the day but if I didn't have to work, I could still sleep all day. I nap every weekend day.

Does she have any aches and pains? Headaches? Tummy problems? Feeling confused or in a daze?
They are going through the process of seeing if I have fibromyalgia now but I have some other things going on with it, the fatigue would just be part of it.

Like Ele said, try to figure out if she's really sick or just a hypochondriac. I feel like one all the time, I go in with a bunch of stuff wrong and they never find anything. I've had every blood test they can do and nothing ever comes up.
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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 10:44 PM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

She needs a proper medical exam, full bloods. No one here can diagnose what is happening but the best thing to do is to first rule out medical problems.

I have iron problems and if I let it get too bad then I could sleep all day and still feel exhausted and tired. Generally I am a very active person, eat a good diet, always busy with a project or activities but once an iron low sets in it can be debilitating.

She could be gluten intolerant, could be anything none of us know. Get her to the Dr.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 12:36 AM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

She could have apnea, its where you never get into rem sleep so your never rested. Your tired all the time and the lack of sleep make you almost incoherent. Does she fall asleep sitting on the coach or in front of the TV. She can easily have her doctor schedule her a sleep study where you go spend the night at a sleep lab and they monitor you. If she has apnea it will do nothing but get worse, I know I have it.

This is not something to take lightly. Apnea can cause heart failure if let go to long.
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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 12:52 AM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

sleep study. I went through time like your wife, tired and sleepy. going to bed before my husband, getting after him and waking up with huge headaches, still dragging my feet through the day. I had gained 30 pounds in around 8 months.

I had sleep study done and it turned out I was not getting any REM sleep . An average person wakes up around 10-15 times at nght (time that you do not remember). In my sleep study I woke up 137 times.

I was supposed to take sleeping pills every night for 10-14 nights straight, then stop. This was supposed to bring my sleep pattern back to normal. And then repeat it every few months, whenever it got screwed again. and of course, improve sleep hygiene. It worked, but later I had hard time taking pills for so long, as it required going to bed earlier.

Right now the way I handle it is I take sleeping pills maybe once or twice a month, when I feel that I am not getting sound sleep again, waking up tired and sleepy. I could do it more, but I do not want to be too reliant on pills. Still, in my case they almost literally saved my life. Once my sleep got fixed, I lost 40 pounds, was excercising, etc.

Not getting good sleep will cause depression, apathy, fatigue, sexlesness. It can be HUGE problem.

"There was another life that I might have had, but I am having this one. - Kazuo Ishiguro
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 01:09 AM
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Re: Issues with sleep...

Quote:
Originally Posted by lessthennone View Post
My wife has sleep issues. She says she cannot sleep at night, but if I don't disturb her, she'll sleep until noon or later. She's been going to sleep earlier and we've both been working on a lot of other stuff.

Previously, I was getting resentful that she was sleeping late. Well, not only that, but she was blaming a lot of bad behavior on a lack of sleep. She's been improving that behavior, but still claims to be tired.

Since she's going to therapy and the gym, I've been trying not to give her my opinion, because I don't know if it's correct.

But maybe I'll just come out and ask the forum. If my wife sleeps from 10pm until 12pm... 14 hours... then she claims that she's still tired.... Is it appropriate for me to suggest that it has nothing to do with how much she's sleeping? If she has a sleep disorder, does that mean she requires more sleep or has to force herself to sleep less?
Only a doctor can answer if she has an actual sleep disorder but there are things she can do to improve her chances.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lessthennone View Post
She keeps on talking about getting 8 hours of sleep, but it seems like she's really looking to get 12 to 14 hours. She claims time spend not able to sleep doesn't count. I've always thought it was better to sleep lightly. I'm not sure that's true, just something I've heard.

I think she's oversleeping and that's making her more tired. But, maybe I'm wrong here. Is it healthy to want to sleep so long?
How do you know she falls asleep at 10 and stays asleep til noon? Are you watching her or are you sleeping yourself? Some people just have later timeclocks and can't fall asleep earlier. Has she typically stayed up late? If she can't sleep she should get out of bed and do something else until she feels drowsy. Avoid caffeine, cigarettes or watching tv or even reading in bed. Bed should only be for sleeping (and sex). Some people do need more sleep more than others but fourteens is excessive, I could see ten hours though, in some people.

I have struggled with insomnia and have a later timeclock. Unless I am extremely sleep deprived, it's just about impossible for me to go to bed before midnight. I would discourage sleeping pills, though, they are only a short term solution and have strange side effects.
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