It is ok for wife to have male friend
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Old 09-12-2011, 03:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default It is ok for wife to have male friend

My wife has a male friend that is our neighbor and works with her. They both work for the same school district, however she was transferred to another school starting this semester. He is married and we know each other very well. He he has a family and they come over for parties and get togethers. I did not have a problem with it until recently. I notice her texting alot recently. One night I woke up in the middle of the night and checked her phone, ( i feel bad about it). I found texting between them, he seems to be texting her everyday on how her day is going. they talk about work stuff and weekend stuff. I found one text that has me thinking. He asked her "Are we mtg", she responded "sure?". But have not found anything else. I have checked her phone and no messages. What should I do?. any advice would help.
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Old 09-12-2011, 03:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

Why do you feel bad about checking her phone. I never understand why people have an issue with this. There is nothing wrong with inspecting what you expect - it's just good business.

Anyway. Two ways to go here, one is to do more investigating until you either prove or disprove that there is an issue. Second is to just talk to her about it. Say, "Honey, I noticed on your phone the other day how much you and OM are texting and I'm uncomfortable with it. Out of respect for me would you put some distance there."

The problem with option two is that if there is something going on you just tipped your hand and she will likely 1. get mad at you for checking her phone, 2. tell you your crazy/controlling, and 3. take it further underground and make it even harder for your to prove and confront her.

It certainly sounds like there's an emotional connection of some type there. Either way you need to deal with it right away, it will not get better by ignoring it.
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

Is it okay for her to have a male friend?

Sure.

Is it okay for her to make you uncomfortable by texting this cat constantly and possibly setting up a meeting without your knowledge?

Not a bit.

Sigma's option 2 is best. Don't come unglued, don't be like "I LOOKED AT YOUR PHONE WHAT ARE YOU DOING YAGGHHHHHH"- just say that "Honey, could you tell me what's up with OM?" When she says "What do you mean?" or whatever, just say that you seem to spending a lot of time texting him and, as Sigma said, you'd appreciate if she knocked it off out of respect for you. Don't make it about looking thru her phone- make it about the fact that she's getting too chummy with this dude.
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

Thanks for the quick response, I am undecided on which option to go with , me and my wife have trusted each other for 16 years now. We have never questioned each other trust. I know she would be disappointing if I bring it up. I am confused , but I know I must get to the bottom of this. It has been bothering me lately. . Do you think is it ok for my wife to have a close male friend? I know my wife would have a problem if I had a close friend. i think i will go with the first option.
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

It's OK for your wife to have a male friend, but obviously not this one! It's a good thing you checked her phone when you did. If he lives in the neighborhood, and they're taking things to the next level (with a meeting), there may not be any more messages. That doesn't mean things are OK.

The everyday texting is the problem here. Even if it's about mundane stuff, it's still not OK. That's what lovers do, or people who hope to become lovers. It's not the information so much as just to let the other person know they're interested. Think about it: How would you feel if some guy from work started texting you to say he let the cat out or was about to watch TV, or just to see how your day was going. It would be pretty creepy. But if a girl did it, you'd probably be flattered.

You might as well ask your wife what's up; it's obviously not innocent or she would have told you about the meeting. If this guy is someone you know, you should go ahead and ask him too. He may just back off if he knows you care. The longer you sit around waiting to see what else turns up, the more there's likely to be.
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

Personally I think anything other than an acquaintance of the opposite sex is problematic. There are lots of people who have close friends of the opposite sex and it's never an issue and then there are lots of people who fall into affairs with people that started as friends. IMO it's just borrowing trouble and better off avoided if possible. If my wife had a close male friend it would bother me.

BTW - checking on your wife does not mean you don't trust her. It is simply making sure everything is as you believe it to be. I check my wife's phone periodically and I trust her whole heartedly. The path that you are about to go down still doesn't mean you don't trust her, but it does mean that you are uneasy about your relationship currently. Do what you must to get comfortable with what is happening - if anything. Even if you don't find anything I think she needs to slow it down with this guy some.

If you want some advice on how to investigate further jump over to the infidelity section, there are people over there who are masters at that stuff. Also, if she either suddenly locks her phone or won't let it out of her sight those are both major red flags for something bad going on. If either of those happen you will need to seriously up your concern and investigating.
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

Stop this cold. It is not OK for your wife to be texting a male friend every day and discussing when they will meet. This is the beginning of an emotional affair where he will be meeting her needs for attention that you should be meeting.

Your gut is telling you something is wrong: believe it. Tell her you know how easy it is to get involved with someone who provides attention, and you want to protect your marriage.

Entropy can tell you how to stop an emotional affair.
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

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Personally I think anything other than an acquaintance of the opposite sex is problematic. There are lots of people who have close friends of the opposite sex and it's never an issue and then there are lots of people who fall into affairs with people that started as friends. IMO it's just borrowing trouble and better off avoided if possible. If my wife had a close male friend it would bother me.
I agree. For married people, close friends of the opposite sex are just asking for trouble. Superficial friendships are fine; there's no problem with exchanging a few remarks with an opposite-sex coworker, or talking to neighbors for a couple of minutes if you see them outside. A good rule of thumb is, if you have to ask if it's OK, it isn't. Another huge red flag would be if your wife says, "We're just friends."
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

lovesherman, you are properly right, lately I have been under a lot of stress, had to go see doctor about my insomnia. The dr recommend that I back off on my activities with my family, I two active kids in sports, and very elderly parents that I am look after. I have neglected my wife lately due to my involvement with other things. However I have talk to her about my situations. she seems supportive. this just got me off guard. thanks for the advice.

sorry what do you mean by entorpy?
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Old 09-12-2011, 05:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

Entropy is a frequent poster here. Look at his threads and comments. His wife exposed his emotional affair with a co-worker, and he is grateful that she did.
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

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My wife has a male friend that is our neighbor and works with her. They both work for the same school district, however she was transferred to another school starting this semester. He is married and we know each other very well. He he has a family and they come over for parties and get togethers. I did not have a problem with it until recently. I notice her texting alot recently. One night I woke up in the middle of the night and checked her phone, ( i feel bad about it). I found texting between them, he seems to be texting her everyday on how her day is going. they talk about work stuff and weekend stuff. I found one text that has me thinking. He asked her "Are we mtg", she responded "sure?". But have not found anything else. I have checked her phone and no messages. What should I do?. any advice would help.
Its absolutely fine for your fine to have male friends, you know him, socialize with him...

its obvious you don't trust your wife cuz you snooped in her phone records... you now did something behind her back too... you feel guilty cuz you know it wasn't right, that what the feeling 'bad' is all about....

the text could be they were meeting on work business... if he texts so much and it seems overly attentive, were her responses just polite and cordial? She may very well have her boundaries with this co-worker and holding them well... even if he is being very attentive...

Its your call on what you want to believe and stand by it...

1) disclose that you snooped in her phone, and by that action you are telling her you don't trust her, be prepared to lose her trust in you too. then there will be the fall out if she is innocent on not... it will be messy.. not easy.. you may get the answer you want.. or not... no guarentees with this...

2) or you trust her. Be observant... be involved with her emotionally, be attentive...

just my 2 cents...
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Old 09-12-2011, 09:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

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Originally Posted by phin1983 View Post
Thanks for the quick response, I am undecided on which option to go with , me and my wife have trusted each other for 16 years now. We have never questioned each other trust. I know she would be disappointing if I bring it up. I am confused , but I know I must get to the bottom of this. It has been bothering me lately. . Do you think is it ok for my wife to have a close male friend? I know my wife would have a problem if I had a close friend. i think i will go with the first option.
EAs have very little to do with trust. Especially if there are weak boundaries. Like in your wifes case. I know that sounds weird but it is very true. If you do not intervene and get in front of this it will progress and your wife will be in a fog and will not be able to turn it around on her own. I know. I have been there. Realize that EAs are chemical. They are addictive. The WS will throw away 10, 20, and even 30+ years of faithfulness. They will insist but this is just my friend.

Either you act, or watch your marriage be destroyed. I am not being overly dramatic here. This is the way it is.

I know I cannot have close female friends. Your wife has just proved she cannot either. BTW, these things can escalate very quickly to PAs. But even if you engage before that, often it just rolls on through like an unstoppable frieght train. Think of her as being pulled into a black hole. If you wait too long , there is no pulling her back. It happens quickly.
Wait and see does not work. It enables.

Also be prepared for being called controlling, insecure and jealous. If your hear these you know you are on the right track.

Also, there are no secrets in marriage. You "snooping" is an act of love and one of responsibility for your relationship. Your wife needs your help. She will not see this at first.
You should not disclose your methods of snooping at this time. You will need them further. This is not about ensuring privacy. It is about saving the relationship.

We trust our spouses to not put themselves into these situations. Blind trust is follish and quite frankly lazy. This is time to be strong. To be the man and to not cater to political correctness.

There is a high likelihood that she will have to change her job. The only way to prevent that is to act quickly. It may already be toop late for that. Remember, jobs come and go. Marriages are important. The only way to break an affair that is fully going is for absolute NC and for her to go through withdrawal. It is about dopamine and oxytocin.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-12-2011 at 09:38 PM.
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Old 09-12-2011, 09:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

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Entropy is a frequent poster here. Look at his threads and comments. His wife exposed his emotional affair with a co-worker, and he is grateful that she did.
Yes indeed. She pulled me from the abyss. She loved me enough to do this. She was smart enough to see the signs. She was strong enough to get my attention. She caught things early enough. It was not until I was well into withdrawal until I realized she was right and it had been an EA. I swore up and down we were just very good friends. And we were. But it had gotten into inappropriate and arguably unfaithful.

Partners need to look out for each other. EAs can happen. Mine was also a workplace EA. I needed my wife to intervene. I make no excuses for letting this happen. I am all the wiser for it and have much better boundaries now.

If it turns out to be innocent then take the opportunity to prevent this from going any further. It is well on its way. If there is a lot of texting that is a problem now. Cut it off before she ends up having to change her job .... or worse. Keep in ind this would destroy two families.

All I can say is that mine is a success story.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-12-2011 at 11:56 PM.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Oh yes Entropy posts quite often, his view is quite helpful and I appreciate his input... we often have our differences..

and I respectfully disagree...

OP has now called his wife's character in question... what Entropy calls "blind trust", I call 'faith'... In analogy, I believe in God, I have faith in Him, yet by pure analitical reasoning, it is impossible to know for sure what I will find upon my death. I choose to have faith... and do all in my heart and soul to follow the path He has shown me. It is up to you to decide which you are going to believe in. It has nothing to do with laziness. No one should be lazy in a marriage... Only you know your wife... if you think she is incapable and weak of character, then call her out... and then be prepared to go through all that entails. If you choose to have faith in her character... well.. you get my reasoning. Either you believe she is of good faithful heart and moral or you don't...

Only you can decide...

best wishes..
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Old 09-13-2011, 02:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: It is ok for wife to have male friend

This not a matter of being nice, if your wife is cheating

If she is texting/talking to this guy more than once or twice a week---HE IS WAY PAST THE FRIEND STAGE

Ask yourself, how much time does she spend talking to her other friends???? Your answer will tell you your wife is being inappropriate

Have your talk with her, but do not be such a mr. nice-guy, that she would not take what you have to say seriously, she stops her contact with this guy----she is outside the mge., and not acting like a married woman in re: this guy.

There is a very, very, very thin line dividing friends from lovers, and if she crosses it---your life as you know it, is gone forever-----SO DO NOT TREAT THIS LIGHTLY

She probably sees this guy around the school district a couple of times a month, and/or they can get together, on their own, you will never know if they do, as you don't have access to their work situation

Be very wary!!!!!
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