Thanks for the quick response, I am undecided on which option to go with , me and my wife have trusted each other for 16 years now. We have never questioned each other trust. I know she would be disappointing if I bring it up. I am confused , but I know I must get to the bottom of this. It has been bothering me lately. . Do you think is it ok for my wife to have a close male friend? I know my wife would have a problem if I had a close friend. i think i will go with the first option.
EAs have very little to do with trust. Especially if there are weak boundaries. Like in your wifes case. I know that sounds weird but it is very true. If you do not intervene and get in front of this it will progress and your wife will be in a fog and will not be able to turn it around on her own. I know. I have been there. Realize that EAs are chemical. They are addictive. The WS will throw away 10, 20, and even 30+ years of faithfulness. They will insist but this is just my friend.
Either you act, or watch your marriage be destroyed. I am not being overly dramatic here. This is the way it is.
I know I cannot have close female friends. Your wife has just proved she cannot either. BTW, these things can escalate very quickly to PAs. But even if you engage before that, often it just rolls on through like an unstoppable frieght train. Think of her as being pulled into a black hole. If you wait too long , there is no pulling her back. It happens quickly.
Wait and see does not work. It enables.
Also be prepared for being called controlling, insecure and jealous. If your hear these you know you are on the right track.
Also, there are no secrets in marriage. You "snooping" is an act of love and one of responsibility for your relationship. Your wife needs your help. She will not see this at first.
You should not disclose your methods of snooping at this time. You will need them further. This is not about ensuring privacy. It is about saving the relationship.
We trust our spouses to not put themselves into these situations. Blind trust is follish and quite frankly lazy. This is time to be strong. To be the man and to not cater to political correctness.
There is a high likelihood that she will have to change her job. The only way to prevent that is to act quickly. It may already be toop late for that. Remember, jobs come and go. Marriages are important. The only way to break an affair that is fully going is for absolute NC and for her to go through withdrawal. It is about dopamine and oxytocin.