Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2011, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

I have been married to my husband now for almost 8 years, and most of that has been wonderful. There are few things, however, that really bother me time and time again, and I'm not sure how to approach it anymore, because even after multiple discussions it still keeps happening.

1. The first thing is that my husband just gets so easily frustrated and always brings up the negative. Every little thing, like getting too many red lights, or waiting in line too long pisses him off. If one little thing doesn't go his way, he gets upset. He will act like the whole day is ruined, and nothing was worth while over the smallest little hiccups. I try to tell him about all the positives, but he seems to get frustrated that I am disagreeing with him.

2. Sometimes he lets his frustration and anger get the best of him, and can go into a rage. He has never come close to hurting me, or even touching me during this, but he will rip the clothes off his body. Throw something across a room. Put a hole in the wall. He has even ripped out the rack of a dishwasher and broken all our dishes. This absolutely infuriates me! Not only is he acting worse than a 2 year old, but he is destroying things that cost money to fix, usually for some stupid little reason like the computer keeps freezing up. If we get into an argument about it he will turn it into a whole thing of "our marriage is crap," he can't stand my family, he is leaving me, i'm being a *****, etc..etc. So, obviously me fighting back doesn't help. I have tried telling him to leave, that I don't want to see him until he cools down, which he has done once or twice, but usually still comes back trying to blame me somehow. I have tried to ignore what he is doing, and not respond, in which sometimes he'll just say stuff like "so, you're going to ignore me now! Fine, be mad!" I have left telling him I'm not going to put up with his actions, etc. Now, he has from time to time apologized immediately realizing what he has done, but even though I've asked him to try counseling, and he says he will, he never does, and the issues just continue on.

3. He is just very judgmental. Whenever we are out in public he is very quick to criticize the people around us, whether it is what they are wearing, their weight, or how they are acting. He can be critical of me as well, sometimes nitpicking on little things I do, or if I don't do something that needs to be done. I generally just ignore him when he gets this way, and don't give him a response.

Now, do know the outbursts are probably about once every few months, it's mostly all the negativity that is wearing me down.

The reason I am reaching out now is we have had a baby in the last year, and I do not want her to have this in her life. I have even threatened that if he doesn't get his act together I will take her out of the situation. Instead of things blowing over after a day or so, and life returning to normal for the most part I find myself thinking about it all the time, where I am almost resentful towards him on a regular basis. I'm not sure what the shift is, but I could sure use some advice. Thanks!

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2011, 07:20 PM
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Re: Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

It sounds to me like your husband has some deep-rooted issues that have been unresolved for a long time and it is not going to get better unless he gets some professional help. Until he takes the step to get counseling, no amount of putting a positive spin on things from you nor anyone else is going to change how he reacts, except his own choice(s) of how he reacts to life. It sounds like he feels that he has no control over things. However, he does have a choice in how he reacts to whatever happens that disturbs him, but he has clearly chosen not to do so, since he knows that he has been in the wrong by apologizing.

The other side of the coin is how YOU react to his outbursts. It's terribly frustrating to have a partner act towards you in the way that he does, but how you react to his outbursts is important, as well, especially now that you have a baby in the household. You did mention that you have ignored him when it comes to his nitpicking directed at you, which is good to a point.

Maybe you can sit down with him at a time when he isn't raging and calmly tell him how his outbursts have negatively affected you, your relationship and your concerns about how his behavior can have a bad effect on your child. Don't forget to bring up the positive qualities you see in him, as well. You don't want to seem to be nagging him to always change the bad behavior without offering something positive that you feel (or felt) about him.

If he won't go to counseling, perhaps you could do some individual work and maybe find ways to approach the situation.

Best of luck to you!
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2011, 07:44 PM
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Re: Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

I just thought about something else, in regards to your husband's behavior, that reminds me of a situation that I found myself in with my wife a while ago. In my case, I had a moment of frustration over something that, in hindsight, clearly didn't merit the negative actions I took (kicking and badly denting our trash can) but it really impacted our relationship for months down the line.

The short of it is this: by continuing to knowingly behave in a negative way towards you, your husband is disrespecting you and your home by not considering your feelings nor the impact on your home life when he allows himself to get so caught up in his anger and myopia. He is being really selfish and seems to be misdirecting his anger at you and your home.

It might not seem like much to replace dishes and clothes, but he is destrying the foundations of your relationship and grinding you down in the meantime. The damage already done to your relationship is going to take a long time to mend. There is a lot at stake here and he needs a wake-up call.

Last edited by tm84; 09-12-2011 at 07:57 PM.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2011, 08:03 PM
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Re: Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

The root cause is unimportant. The behavior is what's crucial. So...anger management therapy? Meditation? Tai Chi? I do all that it works fairly well.

Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? - Werner Herzog
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2011, 08:21 PM
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Re: Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

Get to a mental and financial place where you will have a plan B.... cuz one of these days you are going to have to just walk out and stay gone.

What reason to stay? None. Not for the baby, cuz you don't want this behavior around your child. YOU be the sane one, and figure out what YOU can do about YOUR life.

Seems to me you have 3 choices:
1. Stay and walk on egg shells, and raise your child with psycho man.
2. Start planning an exit....I'd do this, even while asking him to go to therapy and thinking it might work.
3. Leave.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2011, 10:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

Thanks for the input everyone! The hard thing is that we are so great together on so many levels. He tells me almost daily how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, and what a great job I am doing as a mom. So, imagine my frustration when it's a day that he's nit picky, frustrated at everything, or even has an outburst. It's like, uh where the hell did this come from? What doesn't help on my end is that I grew up with a less than supportive father, who criticized my mother often. I was the only one in the family that would call him out on it. He didn't really have a temper but I became very sensitive to that sort of thing, and may take even the littlest comment more personally than others might. So, not a good combo when my husband gets that way.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-18-2011, 02:08 PM
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Re: Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

Sounds like your husband is a deep rooted narcassist who has some major issues not with you...but within himself. Unfortunately, those who are nearest to narcassist always bear the brunt of such ugliness. Your child doesn't deserve to be raised in such an environment...GET OUT. You are deserving of so much more. Good luck to you.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-26-2011, 11:27 PM
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Re: Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

I'm going to try to keep my own story out of this, but I have walked in your shoes. In my husband's case he has since received a diagnosis of depression. I strongly believe the depression is the cause of this kind of behavior, and at least in my husband's case, the depression is situational in that it was triggered by an event that brought up some serious issues from his own childhood. And he doesn't want to deal with them so he's using his anger to shield himself from the pain. I get that. But I have had to work on myself and what I'm willing to tolerate and what I'm willing for my kids to have to tolerate. That's something only you can decide for yourself.

Not much help here, but just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: Husband has frustration and anger issues. Not sure what to do!

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