Do guys get over their first love?
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Old 09-13-2011, 01:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Do guys get over their first love?

I married the love of my life June 25th, 2011. We have been dating altogether for almost 4 years straight, only minor bumps along the way. He is the best husband anyone could ever ask for, and means everything to me. When we started dating I had a general idea of his past but not anything real specific. From what I heard here and there was that he had "been" with a lot of girls but that didn't stop me. I also knew that his longest relationship was no more than 6 months, if that. His past never really bothered me until one day I thought, "I'm about to marry this guy and don't know anything about his sexual past." After thinking of how to bring it up for many days, finally I asked him what was his "number". He told me he didn't keep a tally but he had a general idea of around 30-40 girls and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I wanted to know but then again I didn't. He never wants to talk about his past and if I bring it up, he quickly changes subjects. Once, I asked him who his true love was and he said I was his first TRUE love. Well, tonight as we were lying in bed about to go to sleep we were casually talking about things of the past and he said the first girl he actually cared for was named Joy. I already knew about Joy because a few years back, when we had first started dating, she had called him and left a voicemail with the song "You'll always be my baby" by Mariah Carey playing. He shrugged it off and said whatever and I've never heard anything else out of her or about her. I asked my husband tonight if he still thinks about her and he said no. I may be over analyzing the situation but I just wanted to hear from someone else if I should be worried or let it go? I tend to over analyze situations like this but sometimes I've wondered if he gave me his whole heart or if some one still has it?
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

One big mistake people often make is they often live in the past.

I am one of them.

They spend their time thinking about their past, feel sad about their past, dwell on the pain, and just can't let go.......................

If dwelling on our past can help our present, then yes, spend more time on it. The truth is NO, it doesn't help our present at all. The most it can help is to help us learn from our past mistake and make sure it doesn't happen again.

If he chooses to marry you, then of course you are THE ONE he wants to spend the rest of his life with. No that first girl, not that second girl, not that third girl....................they all failed to capture his heart. Understand why he likes you and why he marries you, and focus on your positive qualities, show him you are the wonderful woman he chooses.
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

My who?

Yes, first love can be forgotten. I remember her name, but there's no emotional attachment to it.
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

First of all, Congratulations!

Second of all ... you asked and he answered, "No." THAT is your answer.
Accept this as truth and let it go.
If YOU keep bringing her up, YOU will put her in his head ... see?
Don't do that.

He married you. Be confident in his love for you. Most men don't get married on a whim. They truly believe they're with the love of their lives.
And for your husband That's YOU.
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Old 09-13-2011, 07:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

Men are simple creatures. Keep him happy and sexually satisfied and he will not be thinking about other women. You are allowing your thoughts to go where they shouldn't. This is detrmental to your marriage and will actually CAUSE what you are worried about.
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Old 09-13-2011, 01:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

Thanks everyone! This makes me feel a whole lot better, having other's opinions. I "usually" don't worry about stuff like this but for some reason this bothered me, I don't know why but hearing what you all think reassures me this is no biggy. I'm new to talkaboutmarriage.com but I already LOVE it! But again, thanks to all of you for the words of wisdom and encouragement!
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Old 09-13-2011, 01:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

How did the conversation come up? He just randomly told you about it or you asked?

Everyone has a past. That is part of life.

Thing is, he married YOU. Don't dwell on his past relationships. Focus on yours with him.
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Old 09-13-2011, 01:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

Ex's are ex's for a reason.
__________________
" There is no sex in the Champagne Room" - Chris Rock
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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He brought it up. A few months ago I asked him, who was his first true love and he told me I was and so then I asked how do you know? and he said, "I just do." Well last night we were both looking at facebook and came across a girls profile and he said, "her and joy were really good friends." and then I'm not sure exactly how it came about but it wasn't like he just popped up and said it but somehow in conversation he was like, "joy was probably the first girl i ever actually cared about, we dated my sophomore and junior year of high school, not steady but on and off". So that's when I said, "do you ever think about her?" and he said, "no". I said "oh okay", and he quickly changed the subject. Like I said earlier I tend to over think stuff but deep down I can't help but wonder if they still have feelings for each other. I know my husband loves me, there's no doubt about that so I may sound selfish when I say this but I want to know that I have his whole heart and that if he could be with anyone, regardless of how life turned out, it would be me, not because it's easy but because he chooses me over someone he cared/cares for. I know that sounds completely foolish because I understand the point that we've been together almost 4 years(longer than any of his other relationships) and that he married me. I just can't help but think sometimes if deep down his heart belongs to another woman. My reasoning for still questioning his love for me is because when we first started dating he was very self centered and never put our relationship first. After dating for a while I finally realized the problem was that he had walls built up around his heart and did NOT want me in. He even told me he once that he wouldn't give someone the power to hurt/destroy him. I figured he had been hurt before or something of that nature and had a hard time trusting women. This went on for a while, it was like every time we would begin getting closer in our relationship he would freeze and we'd take several steps backwards. I told myself I wouldn't give up on him because I love him and wanted to prove that I would never hurt him. It went on like that for a year and then after I graduated high school, due to my own family issues, he asked me to move in with him and his father(his parents are separated), I knew that by moving in, it would either break it or make it. Our relationship made a turn for the better. He has opened up A LOT since the time I moved in. I know that his walls are not completely down, and although I know he loves me, he still maintains that boundary between us because I can sense it. I'm positive that if I up and walked out of his life tomorrow, he might be upset but he would never show it. He would not ask me to come back or try to work out whatever caused me to leave. He would wish me the best and would simply go on with life. I know that I've gotten somewhat off the topic but basically I'm trying to say there's something going on as to why I don't feel like I'm THE love of his life whether it be his heart already belongs to someone or if that's just the type of man he is. Sometimes I just want to be like, "Look, tell me what it is that makes you this way." and then sometimes I feel like I'd rather not know because I'd honestly be devastated if he told me he loved another woman. All I want is free, no boundaries, care-free love from my husband and to feel like he needs me as much as I need him.
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Old 09-13-2011, 03:47 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

depends on what first love means.



the first person they have sex with?
thats usually first lust we are over it the minute we get dressed and leave.


the first person we actually feel real emotions for might be a different story.after they kick us to the curb we just tell everybody she was a **** and then hate them.


just joking.

the answer would be person specific for sure.
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Old 09-13-2011, 04:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

I hate to be the harbinger of negativity but let me give you another view. Did I get over my first love? Yup totally and completely, nothing there any more period. BUT, based on the fact that I had a two month EA with her last year I did not get over another girl from my high school years. The thing is I had no idea that there was anything in me for her either. It wasn't until she sent me a friend request after 22 years of not seeing, hearing or really even thinking about her that it took me totally by surprise and I wound up cheating on the woman I love dearly who is the love of my life - my wife of 13 years. Sick, twisted, self centered and selfish I know but that's what happened. So yes, some people don't ever fully close the emotional door on some people in their past, but that doesn't mean that they don't love their spouse or that their spouse isn't the love of their life. For whatever reason the other woman (OW) and I have a strong chemistry, I had actually forgotten it until she walked back into my life. Despite that I know that she is in no way the right person for me. She has lots of issues, is self centered, manipulative and a liar. The OW brings out bad parts of me and makes me a lesser person, honestly I think I may bring out bad parts of her to. We just aren't supposed to be together. My wife on the other hand is the center of my life, literally, figuratively, emotionally and physically. By simply being in my life she makes me better than I could ever be without her and I think I help her in some of the same ways (she's a much better person than I am so I have less to contribute to her than she does to me). My wife and I are meant to be together as much as the OW and I are not. So, just because your H may have a place in him for Joy, it doesn't mean that he pines for her or that you aren't the love of his life. However, and remember this, it does mean that he has to have very clear boundaries regarding her - as in he shows you any communication between them. You will also always need to be just a little more attentive if she rears her head in your life like she has done now to be sure that your H sticks by his boundaries.

I would also add that you've been married 2.5 months right? It's not unusual for the adjustment to being married to be a little rocky. My wife and I dated for 8 years before we got married and essentially lived together for the last year of those 8. We knew everything about each other when we said I do and never fought. Despite that I thought we were going to kill each other the first six months we were married. It's just a major life change, a major change in your relationship (dating for years just isn't like being married), and it takes some adjustment. Don't get discouraged. Talk to your H, communicate with him. The ability for the two of you to talk openly and honestly about your feeling, wants, needs and fears will be ESSENTIAL to a long term happy and successful marriage.

Good Luck!!
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Old 09-13-2011, 04:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
Men are simple creatures. Keep him happy and sexually satisfied and he will not be thinking about other women. You are allowing your thoughts to go where they shouldn't. This is detrmental to your marriage and will actually CAUSE what you are worried about.


100% TRUE.

"Do you think about her?" Shelly asked, a tremor in her voice. "Every single day honey." Was his cool offhanded response. Her heart fell and she burred her head in her hands. He looks at the worried yet beautiful woman that he calls his wife and takes her into his strong arms. He holds her tight and whispers softly into her ear; "Because that's how often you bring her up."
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

Honestly, probably only when I'm on this website talking about stuff like this.

Seriously though, no.
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Old 09-14-2011, 12:03 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

Thanks guys I really enjoy hearing from everyone. I've always had a hard time seeing things from others point of view and this website is such a helpful tool to suffice that lack. Earlier I was thinking about sitting down with my husband after dinner and telling him I just wanted to talk and express how I felt about the situation (I've never done this before with him, usually I just hold everything in until it eventually goes to the back burner, because like rikithemonk pointed out, when I talk about it-he thinks about it, so I usually tried to avoid it at all cost & not to add he don't/won't talk about the past much) I contemplated for a while about how to bring it up and finally I took a moment to look around, breathe, & realize how lucky I am. I decided that I wasn't going to bring it up because regardless if he still has feelings for someone, he loves me more than any other man ever has and if one day I were to lose him, yes I would be very sad, but I would also be happy because in loving him I've learned what love truly is and how to love someone with every bit of my being, unconditionally. We just spent the past two hours talking, laughing and joking about our day at work and school vs. talking about the past and potentially getting upset. I realize now that there is no room in our future for the past.
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Old 09-14-2011, 01:09 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Do guys get over their first love?

My past sucked. I don't dwell there often.

I rarely think about my first love. It's in the past. It was actually a wonderful relationship. But we were young and had different goals
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