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post #16 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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You should NOT have married this woman! Why would you marry someone with this kind of horrible attitude toward your sick mother?? And if she didn't want to live in your mother's house, then that should have been discussed and resolved long ago. (if she didn't want to live there, then you should have made other arrangements out of respect for those feelings and your marriage) Based on what you are telling here, this woman is NOT a good person! See if you can get the marriage annulled. She sounds nasty and controlling, and you will be dealing with this for the next 40 years of your life if you don't get out of it now...is this really the kind of person you want as your life partner??
The problem I have is that she is a good person but she has this terrible problem understanding that it's okay for me to love my mother. I think when my mom is gone and we fast forward 5 years, I think she would be a great wife, mother, person. But I don't think she's making my current situation easy on me and I don't feel she will be easy on me after the passing of my mother (by wanting to rush through things and get rid of everything my mother ever owned). I problem is going to be if I will feel resentment towards her when all is said and done.

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post #17 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:01 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Originally Posted by Tommerz22 View Post
I understand what you are saying but here's my side...

My parents split up before I was born, then retried from age of 9-15 and then split again. My mom has been with me since day one of 22 years. I have been with my wife since I was 16. The way I look at it is this, she had a choice to walk away. She didn't have to go through with this. My mom was originally diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 18. What was discussed all along was that one day when we get married, we will look for a house that has a guest house so my mom is always with us. That was at 18 years old. We are now 22 and she has brain cancer, she had plenty of time to run. It may not be the most exciting situation to a new bride but she didn't have to do it and the reality is she doesn't even have much more time to fake enjoying the situation but she's digging herself into a ditch by how she acts about my mother.


So what I get from this is that you discussed getting a place with a guest house for you mom, but actually moving into your mom's house was your decision and you feel your wife was free to leave if she didn't like it.

Please correct me if that's in error.

Is it possible that your wife just wants her own place?

How easy is it going to be for you to get a job?

You sound like a devoted son, and that's wonderful. I lost my dad to cancer and it sucked, still sucks almost 4 years out.

But to be honest you sound immature. If your attitude is that you're making your own decisions and your wife can like it or leave you aren't ready to be married.

And what is the deal with your dad's gf? Is there any particular reason he shouldn't be allowed to move on with his life?
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post #18 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:04 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Like I tell her, it's a different kind of love and you would think that it would be commendable and show how great of a husband and father I will be but she doesn't see it like that.
After your response to my last post, it looks like you're showing her exactly what kind of husband you will be... the kind of husband who makes a decision for everyone and tells her that if she doesn't like it, she should leave.

I don't think either of you are ready to be married.

I know this issue with your mother is difficult, and your wife isn't making it any easier. But I think you've sent your wife a very clear message about how you feel about her thoughts and opinions, and now she's responding to that.

I've written this poem before but always through a window, never through an open door.
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post #19 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Why are you so opposed to dad's girlfriend? Is she a bad person, or just not your mom? Put yourself in your dad's shoes for a moment... If you and your wife have kids, then divorce, would you be okay with being cut out of your children's lives once you find someone new?

You should definitely be spending time with your mom right now. But if you got that time by running over your new wife and disregarding her feelings, then you have some apologies to make (if you'd like to stay married).
Forgot to answer last past here...

Like I tell people, there isn't anything directly wrong with my dad's girlfriend. Like I also tell people, unless you have been in someone's shoes you can't judge my feelings or thoughts about the situation. The 3 biggest dreams my mother had were to see me become a husband, father, and Firefighter. I don't want to be around my dad's girlfriend when my mom is gone and especially when I have children because again, my mom will NEVER get to physically be with them, hold them, love them. And that will be so hard for me and then now have my kids play with her...not going to happen. I am going to try to teach my kids about their grandmother but I worry obviously that with only puctures, they won't ever think much of their grandma and she would have loved them so much.

I don't plan on kicking my dad out of my life. Only saying that I don't want his gf in my life. They live 2 hours away anyways. I only see my dad when he comes to town. And I have only lived with my dad 6 years of my life. If he wants to be around, he can come around but I'm not about to let my kids feel like that other woman with grandpa is their grandma. I know it seems mean but again, I think if people haven't been in this situation then they won't ever really understand.
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post #20 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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What was the relationship between your wife and mother like prior to all of this?

I'm thinking their has to be some underlying issues here. ....how has your mother treated your wife in general? Does your wife on any level feel like she's competing with your mother?
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My wife always wanted to be "a normal teen" when she was sick when we were 18. She has always had issues because I went home by 9 or so on Friday or Saturday nights to be with my mom since she was sitting at home alone and sick. So she has always had some issues.

My mother has always wanted my wife to come around but she just doesn't because it is "boring" at my house.

And yes, my wife always tells me that I love my mother more which isn't true. They are two completely opposite loves. Like I tell her, I certainly hope when her mother is dying that she cares about her.
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post #21 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:12 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Annulment



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Originally Posted by Tommerz22 View Post
Hello,

I got married this past weekend after moving up my wedding date by 6 months after my mothers cancer moved further throughout her body and now into her brain. I have been with my now wife for 6 1/2 years since we were 16. The plan all along was that she would move into the home I have been living in with my mom when we are married. We have been married now for 3 days and she hasn't been to our house one time, instead staying at her parents home. I know she can't stand the idea of being at "my moms" home because she doesn't want that. What I don't get is how she can act so ugly when she knows my mom won't even be here forever obviously. I CANT STAND how she acts about the situation with my mom. She has already told me that she will not allow me to keep almost anything when my mom goes and I don't understand how she even has the audacity to even say that.

Also, my parents have been separated for about 7 years or so and my dad now lives a couple hours away and is living with a girlfriend. My now wife, her mother, her grandmother etc. don't understand why I say that I don't want to be around his girlfriend when I am dealing with slowly losing my mother. I have been around her twice in the couple year long relationship, only about 2 hours total so I don't even know her. For my engagement party last year and wedding this past weekend, the previously mentioned people all said I need to invite dad's girlfriend and I refused because this is supposed to be special for me and my mom especially and didn't want other woman there. They all tell me i have to get over it and let her be around, yet none of them understand anything. A couple days ago I told my wife that when my mom isn't here anymore I will never be around dad's girlfriend, especially when I have children. I don't want to be around some woman when my mom isn't even here anymore and I really don't want my children to see my dad and somehow confuse this other woman as a grandma or something when in reality their grandma is in heaven. My wife of course calls me crazy and weird and it really hurts me because it's as if she doesn't care at all how the eventual Loss of my mom will affect me.

Also can't stand how she says that I love my mom so much more than her because I try to be there for my mom and always want to be with her for obvious reasons, because I will soon lose my mom at 22/23 years old. She doesn't understand it's okay for me to love my mother. I would think that would be admirable but she hates it.

I also quit my Job the day after the cancer moved to her brain and nearly everyone I talk to has praised me saying that i am very mature for wanting to do that to be with my mom. Everyone seems to understand it but my wife. She still tells me that I was stupid for quitting my job that paid $14 an hour (nothing) and even criticizes my mom and says my mom was selfish for allowing me to do that. The reality is that the inheritance I will get when my mom passes will be more than working for $14 an hour so I made the decision that I would rather be with my mom the last few months of my life than work 50 hours a week.

Help.
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post #22 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:14 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Originally Posted by Tommerz22 View Post
Forgot to answer last past here...

Like I tell people, there isn't anything directly wrong with my dad's girlfriend. Like I also tell people, unless you have been in someone's shoes you can't judge my feelings or thoughts about the situation. The 3 biggest dreams my mother had were to see me become a husband, father, and Firefighter. I don't want to be around my dad's girlfriend when my mom is gone and especially when I have children because again, my mom will NEVER get to physically be with them, hold them, love them. And that will be so hard for me and then now have my kids play with her...not going to happen. I am going to try to teach my kids about their grandmother but I worry obviously that with only puctures, they won't ever think much of their grandma and she would have loved them so much.

I don't plan on kicking my dad out of my life. Only saying that I don't want his gf in my life. They live 2 hours away anyways. I only see my dad when he comes to town. And I have only lived with my dad 6 years of my life. If he wants to be around, he can come around but I'm not about to let my kids feel like that other woman with grandpa is their grandma. I know it seems mean but again, I think if people haven't been in this situation then they won't ever really understand.
Yes , that is very nasty and crappy of you. As op pointed out the day might come when you are single and wish to have a partner and your kids cut you out. How will you like that?

Or maybe your new partners kids will forbid you from coming around and you can be excluded from everything.

You're 22 and have no idea how this is going to play out.

There's no reason your kids have to think dad's partner is grandma. You aren't the only one to lose a parent and have the other find a new partner..... they can call her "linda", or whatever her name is. What kind of service will it be to them to learn that when people met new partners you just cut them out?

I'm sorry about your mom, as I said I lost my dad and we were very close, but you frankly sound immature and spoiled.

If I was your wife I'd walk right now.
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post #23 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:15 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Annulment
For his wife's sake.

Read the rest of his posts.
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post #24 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:23 PM Thread Starter
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So what I get from this is that you discussed getting a place with a guest house for you mom, but actually moving into your mom's house was your decision and you feel your wife was free to leave if she didn't like it.

Please correct me if that's in error.

Is it possible that your wife just wants her own place?

How easy is it going to be for you to get a job?

You sound like a devoted son, and that's wonderful. I lost my dad to cancer and it sucked, still sucks almost 4 years out.

But to be honest you sound immature. If your attitude is that you're making your own decisions and your wife can like it or leave you aren't ready to be married.

And what is the deal with your dad's gf? Is there any particular reason he shouldn't be allowed to move on with his life?
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Yes she wants her own place which I totally understand and I have told her that. I don't think this is ideal for anyone. My problem is when she tells me what I think. Here is the reality, my mom won't make in another couple of months and I guess I don't understand why she can't stick it out for that time. That's all I am saying. I am not asking her to do this for 10 years let's say.

I think it will be quite easy to get a job, I'm even talking about something in retail if that had to be the option right now just to give me spending money. I won't be in a bad situation when she passes because although not as much as some people leave, she has a decent amount of money I will inherit and a cheap mortgage. I am also in the last stages of getting hired by one of the largest Fire Departments in the country right now. I could start as early as May or June. Again, if my mom is still alive, I will turn down the offer to be with her.

And no direct issue with dad's gf. Just that I have (mom too) always wanted to become a husband, father, and firefighter before my mom goes. Now I know that she will never meet my children and I will have to teach them about their grandmother through pictures. I don't want my kids to be with grandpa and think that the woman that is with him is grandma. That's my issue and that's what I don't like.
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post #25 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

The man I call "Granddaddy" is my father's stepdad, and I've always known that. His real dad passed away when he was a teen.

I know my father loved his dad, and I know he loved his stepdad as well. My father believed that my Granddaddy was one more person in my life who could love me and teach me, and that took nothing away from his own father.

But that's just his opinion, and mine as well.


I've written this poem before but always through a window, never through an open door.
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post #26 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:32 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

I have.

His mother has metastatic cancer - and his wife is already focused on erasing reminders of her mother in law - like the nice furniture and so forth.

She's inheriting a house and her first move is to erase memories of the person she got it from.

Yes - he has some issues as well. But he's a prince compared to his new wife.




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For his wife's sake.

Read the rest of his posts.
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post #27 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Yes , that is very nasty and crappy of you. As op pointed out the day might come when you are single and wish to have a partner and your kids cut you out. How will you like that?

Or maybe your new partners kids will forbid you from coming around and you can be excluded from everything.

You're 22 and have no idea how this is going to play out.

There's no reason your kids have to think dad's partner is grandma. You aren't the only one to lose a parent and have the other find a new partner..... they can call her "linda", or whatever her name is. What kind of service will it be to them to learn that when people met new partners you just cut them out?

I'm sorry about your mom, as I said I lost my dad and we were very close, but you frankly sound immature and spoiled.

If I was your wife I'd walk right now.
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Again, just curious. Are you and only child (primarily raised by your mother), who then dies when you are 22? In this case make it your father. You may have lost your father and I am sorry to hear that but did you lose him while in the same situation I am in? If not, then I am not sure you can fully judge my situation and call me crappy.

And trust me, I am VERY FAR from spoiled. We don't have much at all. Just a young man that will essentially feel orphaned at 22.
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post #28 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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I have.

His mother has metastatic cancer - and his wife is already focused on erasing reminders of her mother in law - like the nice furniture and so forth.

She's inheriting a house and her first move is to erase memories of the person she got it from.

Yes - he has some issues as well. But he's a prince compared to his new wife.


^^^This times a thousand.

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Again, just curious. Are you and only child (primarily raised by your mother), who then dies when you are 22? In this case make it your father. You may have lost your father and I am sorry to hear that but did you lose him while in the same situation I am in? If not, then I am not sure you can fully judge my situation and call me crappy.

And trust me, I am VERY FAR from spoiled. We don't have much at all. Just a young man that will essentially feel orphaned at 22.
You probably need some counseling Tommerz. I can relate to your situation, when I was 19, my mom was diagnosed--but fortunately was able to be put in remission. At the time, the treatment available had 70% death rate among patients. It returned twice.

I'm not an only child, I've got 2 sisters, and I dropped college and spent years helping keep them in line, assisting with my mom, etc. I think you need some serious counseling, to address some of the things you've said here.

I do agree with MEM: Annulment. She's shown you who she really is. Don't give her an option. It's been a week, and she's behaving like this? She's not wife material man. Not at all. In fact, I think if you analyze your 6 years together, you'll see she was always like this. She wouldn't come over to your mom's house because it's boring. She resented you not going out late on weekends because you had a sense of responsibility.

Annul the marriage. Take care of your mom. Go be awesome.

And get some counseling about your issues with your dad's GF. That needs addressed.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #29 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:09 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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I have.

His mother has metastatic cancer - and his wife is already focused on erasing reminders of her mother in law - like the nice furniture and so forth.

She's inheriting a house and her first move is to erase memories of the person she got it from.

Yes - he has some issues as well. But he's a prince compared to his new wife.
Not sure I agree, but we can disagree.

I understand what he's dealing with, my father had metastatic lung cancer that did spread to his brain among other places. I know how bad that sucks.

I just sense a bit of an attitude of him doing what he wants and his wife can like it or leave, and this is not the attitude of a hb. I'm sure his wife has issues too..... they are both 22 which is pretty young to be dealing with a marriage, let alone a parent dying.

His claim that his wife is mad that he loves his mother makes no sense to me, which is why I say I suspect there's more to this. Why would any normal person expect their spouse not love a parent? I suppose it's possible that his wife is am off the walls lunatic but it's more likely that she is a normal, flawed person who has a different view.

I'm addition, his attitude toward his father's gf, who has done him no wrong and is separate from his wife, suggests an immature and spoiled mentality.

I just have the feeling that his wife would have a much different take on this if she were here.
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post #30 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:25 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

I think the idea that she's mad about him loving his mother might be a simplification of a more complicated issue.

They were going to get their own home, with a guest house for mom. But now he is living in mom's home and intends to keep it.

Their wedding plans were changed for mom.

He quit his job, for his mom's sake, against wife's wishes.

She wants to furnish their home, he wants to keep some of mom's stuff, but she's probably skeptical about him keeping only a few things, and thinks he may change his mind and do what he wants.

While he didn't say about the wedding plans, these other things were done without consulting wife, or against her wishes. I think she feels that his mom is more of an equal partner in this marriage than she is. And I think she's reacting very childishly to it.

OP says that once his mother passes, this will be over and they can just be a married couple. But she's probably afraid that's not true, that he will continue doing what he wants, with or without her.

I've written this poem before but always through a window, never through an open door.
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