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post #31 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I just sense a bit of an attitude of him doing what he wants and his wife can like it or leave, and this is not the attitude of a hb. I'm sure his wife has issues too..... they are both 22 which is pretty young to be dealing with a marriage, let alone a parent dying.

His claim that his wife is mad that he loves his mother makes no sense to me, which is why I say I suspect there's more to this. Why would any normal person expect their spouse not love a parent? I suppose it's possible that his wife is am off the walls lunatic but it's more likely that she is a normal, flawed person who has a different view.

I'm addition, his attitude toward his father's gf, who has done him no wrong and is separate from his wife, suggests an immature and spoiled mentality.

I just have the feeling that his wife would have a much different take on this if she were here.
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When I say my wife could have walked away, I am talking about when I was 18 and we already spoke about always being with my mom. She could have walked away back then and she stayed and now wants to give me a headache saying she doesn't want to be at the house and doesn't want to move in and when when she's gone she doesn't want to be here. Reality is she has lived in the same house her whole life and all of her family lives within a quarter mile of eachother and she is used to that. Now she will have to live about 4 miles away. And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.

And she thinks I love my mother more than her. That is the issue. And like I have said to her, if her mom were dying I surely hope she would love and care for her.

And again, not even close to being spoiled. And have always been told I am very mature, I have had to grow up pretty fast. Been the man of the house most my life. Dealing with mom being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when I was 18 and as an only child without a dad in the house. Now going to lose my mother at 22. Don't question my maturity. You don't know me.

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post #32 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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You probably need some counseling Tommerz. I can relate to your situation, when I was 19, my mom was diagnosed--but fortunately was able to be put in remission. At the time, the treatment available had 70% death rate among patients. It returned twice.

I'm not an only child, I've got 2 sisters, and I dropped college and spent years helping keep them in line, assisting with my mom, etc. I think you need some serious counseling, to address some of the things you've said here.

I do agree with MEM: Annulment. She's shown you who she really is. Don't give her an option. It's been a week, and she's behaving like this? She's not wife material man. Not at all. In fact, I think if you analyze your 6 years together, you'll see she was always like this. She wouldn't come over to your mom's house because it's boring. She resented you not going out late on weekends because you had a sense of responsibility.

Annul the marriage. Take care of your mom. Go be awesome.

And get some counseling about your issues with your dad's GF. That needs addressed.
Thanks for the response.
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post #33 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Again, just curious. Are you and only child (primarily raised by your mother), who then dies when you are 22? In this case make it your father. You may have lost your father and I am sorry to hear that but did you lose him while in the same situation I am in? If not, then I am not sure you can fully judge my situation and call me crappy.

And trust me, I am VERY FAR from spoiled. We don't have much at all. Just a young man that will essentially feel orphaned at 22.
Look, I know you're hurting. If you must know I have two sisters, both of whom are pieces of crap that i don't speak to. One is currently in jail anyway.

I'm not that close to my mother for a variety of reasons. ... my father was the one I spoke to and one of my closest friends. With him gone I am very much alone. I have basically no extended family.....i had one cousin call me after his passing. That's it. Nobody even gave a rat's behind.

You are insinuating that your loss is somehow greater then anyone else's, so you might be careful with that.

You're the one here trying to navigate your marriage but you aren't ready to consider that your behavior might be bad.

I asked before what the relationship between your mother and wife has been like and you haven't answered. This would be helpful to know in order to help you out.

But if you want to take the position that your wife is just nasty and you have nothing you could handle differently just annul the marriage and save yourself the aggravation.

What is it want here? Do you want help or just to vent? Either is ok but if you want help you'll need to consider that some of your behavior isn't great.

You don't control your wife. You do control you.

Perhaps you and your wife should just put everything on hold while you sort out your feelings and take care of your mother. This is a difficult time. And the fact that you're referring to yourself as an orphan an 22 years old kind of suggests you're not ready to be married anyway.

Just go enjoy your mother and make sure you tell her whatever you want her to know. It makes the passing just a tad easier, ime.
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Last edited by lifeistooshort; 02-03-2016 at 02:44 PM.
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post #34 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Originally Posted by Tommerz22 View Post
And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.
Have you considered selling the house, and using the money to buy one together?

If she's lived in the same house all of her life, she might like to be able to choose her marital home with her husband.

I've written this poem before but always through a window, never through an open door.
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post #35 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:14 PM Thread Starter
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And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.
Have you considered selling the house, and using the money to buy one together?

If she's lived in the same house all of her life, she might like to be able to choose her marital home with her husband.
I have considered it but I am just trying to save as much money as I can for maybe 2 years. I also would rather live in the area that she currently lives in but it costs more money out there fore the same size home which is why I feel it's smarter to stay here for a couple of years.
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post #36 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:17 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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I have considered it but I am just trying to save as much money as I can for maybe 2 years. I also would rather live in the area that she currently lives in but it costs more money out there fore the same size home which is why I feel it's smarter to stay here for a couple of years.
How does your wife feel about all of that? Does she agree with you?

I've written this poem before but always through a window, never through an open door.
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post #37 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:27 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Originally Posted by Tommerz22 View Post
When I say my wife could have walked away, I am talking about when I was 18 and we already spoke about always being with my mom. She could have walked away back then and she stayed and now wants to give me a headache saying she doesn't want to be at the house and doesn't want to move in and when when she's gone she doesn't want to be here. Reality is she has lived in the same house her whole life and all of her family lives within a quarter mile of eachother and she is used to that. Now she will have to live about 4 miles away. And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.

And she thinks I love my mother more than her. That is the issue. And like I have said to her, if her mom were dying I surely hope she would love and care for her.

And again, not even close to being spoiled. And have always been told I am very mature, I have had to grow up pretty fast. Been the man of the house most my life. Dealing with mom being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when I was 18 and as an only child without a dad in the house. Now going to lose my mother at 22. Don't question my maturity. You don't know me.

You don't know me either yet you insinuate that your loss is greater.

You are mature in that you've had to handle a lot of stuff, but emotionally you're not. Your maturity level comes through in your writing. But at 22 you're not expected to be emotionally mature.

If your wife thinks you love mother more there's probably a reason for that as its not a normal reaction. It doesn't even mean it's all your fault, but there is definitely a reason behind it.

You don't want help, I get it. You want to be told that you're right and your wife is nasty. You show no indication that you're open to examining your attitude or behavior.

You're having a terrible time, I get it. However, this attitude will not serve you well as a married man.

On that note I will bow out.
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post #38 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:27 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Tom,
When did you two discuss where you would live after getting married? Typically people plan a wedding and in parallel plan the post wedding part of their lives.

Did you accelerate the wedding so your mom could see you get married? How did she and your fiancee get along over the last 6 years.

And yes - your wife is jealous. Intensely jealous. Of a woman who will shortly be in the hereafter.

That's a far bigger deal than you realize. This is not a one time deal. If she's consistent, and MOST people are, your wife is going to try to disrupt all your other relationships over time.


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Originally Posted by Tommerz22 View Post
When I say my wife could have walked away, I am talking about when I was 18 and we already spoke about always being with my mom. She could have walked away back then and she stayed and now wants to give me a headache saying she doesn't want to be at the house and doesn't want to move in and when when she's gone she doesn't want to be here. Reality is she has lived in the same house her whole life and all of her family lives within a quarter mile of eachother and she is used to that. Now she will have to live about 4 miles away. And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.

And she thinks I love my mother more than her. That is the issue. And like I have said to her, if her mom were dying I surely hope she would love and care for her.

And again, not even close to being spoiled. And have always been told I am very mature, I have had to grow up pretty fast. Been the man of the house most my life. Dealing with mom being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when I was 18 and as an only child without a dad in the house. Now going to lose my mother at 22. Don't question my maturity. You don't know me.
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post #39 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 03:31 PM
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So sorry about your mom. That is a lot to deal with.

IMO, you & your wife are both being selfish & should consider an annulment because neither of you is ready for the commitment of marriage & all it entails. Marriage is not selfish, it requires that you think/do things with your spouse in mind first & foremost. Neither you or your wife are doing that.

It sounds like your wife is jealous/resentful of your mom & the devotion you have toward your mom but not her. You have prioritized your mom over her for years due to her illness. Not saying you shouldn't have, I think it's understandable, but if you look at it from your wife's point of view she has always taken a back seat to your mom & her needs.

You agreed to get your own place with a guest house for your mom but now you are asking her to move into your mom's house instead. I don't think many women would be happy with that. She wants to make a home with you & build a future with you & she will not be able to do that living in your mother's house unless you let her make it her own. It will always be your mother's house even after she passes, you will always have memories of mom there whether you have mom's things around or not. You need to honor your wife's wishes to make a home for you both that she feels is hers too.

I think your wife is being selfish for not accommodating your needs to care for your dying mother. This is a temporary situation not long term. But perhaps it feels that way to her when you refuse to let her make it her "own" home after your mom is gone. Just something to think about...

You do seem to have an unhealthy devotion to your mom. I get that she's been there for you your whole life when nobody else has, but that's what moms are supposed to do. For you to cut your dad's GF off because of your mom is ridiculous. Just because your mom won't be around to play Grandma doesn't mean that you cut off another person from your child's life because you don't want them to replace her. Children nowadays have many sets of grandparents including those they aren't even blood related to due to remarriage. They are additions not replacements in your child's life & to deny your child having loving people in their life because you are trying to protect your mother's memory is wrong. Honestly I can't understand why your mom would want you to do that either. Your mom should want you to be happy & have loving people in your life. Have you talked to her about any of this?

Lastly, you both need to remember that your spouse is the one you plan to spend your future with. Your wife needs to understand that this is ONLY a temporary situation & when mom has passed she will have you to herself in the future. However you also need to realize how important it is to consider your wife's feelings & make her a priority. She's your future so you should want to keep her happy if you want to be happy too.
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post #40 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 04:40 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Your wife needs to understand that this is ONLY a temporary situation & when mom has passed she will have you to herself in the future. However you also need to realize how important it is to consider your wife's feelings & make her a priority. She's your future so you should want to keep her happy if you want to be happy too.
I think a lot of teenagers / young adults would struggle with this mindset--and it's a necessary one. Think on it, she's been around this since 16, and she's 22 now. That's over 1/4 of her life. It feels like forever. And she probably feels like it will never end.

I don't think the right way to go forward for OP is to say "just hold on honey, mom's gonna die any day now, then you'll have me all to yourself." If anything, I'd probably just lay it out: "Look, my responsibilities are A, B, and C. Is this a problem for you?" If the answer is yes, just annul the marriage. If no, then "Well, you certainly give the impression it is when you say A, B and C; and when you do D, E and F." See what she says back.

MEM is right OP. We could be wrong about your W--I don't know her, and am just going off what I read here--but it sounds like this may be consistent behavior, and if it is, that is going to be a problem going forward.


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post #41 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 05:32 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

I've been in your shoes, except I was a year younger and had a 2 year old child when my mother was dying. My exH was not supportive, either.

I quit my job and don't regret it. It was totally worth being there for her. My mom's been gone for 19 years now and I still look back on those last months, thankful I had that time with her. You can't put a price tag on those last precious memories.

If you want my $.02, I can't imagine whining about the free house I'm about to get, it's contents, or anything else of that sort while my husbands mother is dying. From the time he became caregiver until she was laid to rest, I'd be concentrating on helping care for my dying MIL and supporting her primary caregiver, my husband.

I don't think I could forgive my spouse being so self-centered during such a painful and difficult time.

Going on your posts and gut instinct, I think you made a mistake in marrying this woman and would be wise to annul it now, concentrate on your mother, grieve when she passes, and then move forward with your life.

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post #42 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 10:37 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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When I say my wife could have walked away, I am talking about when I was 18 and we already spoke about always being with my mom. She could have walked away back then and she stayed and now wants to give me a headache saying she doesn't want to be at the house and doesn't want to move in and when when she's gone she doesn't want to be here. Reality is she has lived in the same house her whole life and all of her family lives within a quarter mile of eachother and she is used to that. Now she will have to live about 4 miles away. And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.

And she thinks I love my mother more than her. That is the issue. And like I have said to her, if her mom were dying I surely hope she would love and care for her.

And again, not even close to being spoiled. And have always been told I am very mature, I have had to grow up pretty fast. Been the man of the house most my life. Dealing with mom being diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer when I was 18 and as an only child without a dad in the house. Now going to lose my mother at 22. Don't question my maturity. You don't know me.
How much care does your mom require at this time? Can you leave her alone for a little while? Most areas have a grief/bereavement support groups, maybe you could attend one just so you have some support and people to talk to, who know what you're going through.

As for your wife, I would have a simple conversation with her that lets her know where you stand on how she is acting. Tell her you understand that your mom takes up a lot of your time, that your sorry things are going this way and this isn't how you wanted your marriage to begin either. Tell her that you two have your whole lives to work things out but that it is very important to you to be there for your mom for the next few months and if she causes you problems during this time, that will also affect the rest of your lives. Tell her you need her support right now but bottom line is that your mom comes first, tell her you will try to make it up to her in the future but this is the reality of the situation.

Try to empathize with your wife and put yourself in her shoes, but in return she needs to put herself in your shoes. If your mom has been sick that long, your wife probably feels like she's been putting her life on hold for years and waiting for you. She's young and still selfish but she probably has some ideal version of how her honeymoon and beginning married life would go and this isn't it. She's not completely wrong and you're not wrong, you are both just going through a very hard time and trying to cope with it. She wants attention from you and you have little to give right now, so try to spend time with her and show an interest in her when you can.

If she doesn't want to live in your mom's house, she doesn't have to, invite her over often for dinner or to watch a movie and make her feel welcome when she is there. Stop by and see her at her parents house when you have a few minutes. Be nice to her and yourself. If she starts making demands, just say 'I'm sorry, honey, I wish things were different, it's hard on me too'. The house, the job, the kids, your dad's girlfriend, none is worth arguing about, it can all be sorted out later.

Don't worry about your dad and his girlfriend or a job, that's all in the future and will work itself out. You are existing for the present right now and that's all you need to worry about.
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post #43 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 11:02 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

It seems obvious to me that you are a "mommas boy" and your wife sees it. You seem willing to do anything for your mom, everyone else be damned. What does your mother think of your actions?

My mom would kick my a$$ had I quit my job or spent most of my new married life away from my wife. Does your mother agree you?

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post #44 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 11:08 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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It seems obvious to me that you are a "mommas boy" and your wife sees it. You seem willing to do anything for your mom, everyone else be damned. What does your mother think of your actions?

My mom would kick my a$$ had I quit my job or spent most of my new married life away from my wife. Does your mother agree you?

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Did you read the whole thread?
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post #45 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 12:11 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Did you read the whole thread?
I did, did you?

He puts his mother before his wife. He doesn't like his father's SO because it's not his mom. He quit his job so I'm assuming mommy is feeding him and taking care of him financially. Like I said my mother if capable of expressing her opinion as his mother seems to be (she denied hospice) would not allow me to damage the beginning of my life for the end of hers.

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