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post #46 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 12:49 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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I did, did you?

He puts his mother before his wife. He doesn't like his father's SO because it's not his mom. He quit his job so I'm assuming mommy is feeding him and taking care of him financially. Like I said my mother if capable of expressing her opinion as his mother seems to be (she denied hospice) would not allow me to damage the beginning of my life for the end of hers.

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He got married three days ago, the wife knew his mother is dying and that he is taking care of her til the end, he quit his job to take care of her for the last few months of her life. He doesn't sound like a lazy insensitive moocher and who says his mom even knows what's going on with the wife? I can sympathize with the wife a bit but it's not like he did a bait and switch, she knew all about his mom.

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post #47 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 01:15 AM
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Seems like you jumped into this marriage before thinking. I think you should get an annulment. Someone should've sat you both down and told you some hard truths a long time ago. You aren't compatible. This is a relationship that should've died a natural death imo.
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post #48 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 07:07 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

I don't think your mother would want you to quit your dream job -- something you've wanted your whole life -- just to be around her for a few weeks or months. I agree with Sbrown... your mother shouldn't expect this from you. My mother, who died from cancer, would have never allowed me to sacrifice my lifelong dream to play nursemaid for a few weeks.

IMHO, one of the best ways to honor your mother is fulfill your dream and turn out to be the strong young man she raised you to be.

As for the selfish wife, I think you should annul the marriage.
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post #49 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 08:09 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Divorce her. Or see if you can get an annulment.
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post #50 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 08:23 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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The 3 biggest dreams my mother had were to see me become a husband, father, and Firefighter.
You keep saying that your mother wanted to see you get married.

You married your wife less than a week ago. But you say the jealously, resentment, selfishness, and refusal to be around your mom has been happening for a long time.

So why did you marry her despite all of that? Did you want to be with this woman, or did you want your mother to see you get married? Were you expecting your wife to change after the wedding?

I've written this poem before but always through a window, never through an open door.
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post #51 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Hi Tommerz22, I've been at TAM browsing because of my own problems but I read through your thread and I just wanted to comment.

First of all, my heart breaks for you. It's a really tough position to be in with no support. It sounds like you got married and went straight from the altar to your mom's bedside. Did you have a reception, or honeymoon? I know it seems really insignificant due to the circumstances but your wife probably dreamed of planning her wedding and reception - flowers, colors, bridesmaids, food, etc. and she missed out on that. Yeah, I know it's not really important in the grand scheme of things but to young women weddings are a big deal and she's going to be spending the next 10 years going to her friends' weddings and feeling a little stung at not being able to have hers. Selfish, yes. But I remember being 22 and I wasn't very selfless or mature then either.

If you really want to make things work with your wife and not annul or divorce I would suggest planning a little weekend getaway if you can. You take care of all the planning and reservations. That'll make her feel like she can celebrate her wedding and marriage to you. Just the two of you and no talking about your mom for just that one weekend. After the weekend you can tell her that after your mom passes you look forward to spending the rest of your lives together being partners. Maybe you could have a wedding reception for your family next year, that your wife can plan. I only mention this because I know a couple who did exactly what you did. They moved up their wedding so his mom could see them get married. Then a few months later had a reception with friends and family. I know this may sound really dumb and insignificant but I think it would make your wife feel better.

As for your mom. Honor her memory by being a good man. Be strong, kind, selfless, mature. Work hard. Get ahead. Be successful. Raise good kids. Let your life be her legacy. I'm a mom to an only child. If I were dying while she was in the prime of her life I'd want her to fulfill her dreams. If you do get accepted as a firefighter while your mom's alive then take it! She'll get to see her son make that wonderful achievement and I promise she will treasure that, because it would be her achievement too. Everything you do reflects on her as a mom.

If you think your wife is too selfish and shallow then annul as soon as possible so you don't have to have these hurtful feelings while also mourning your mom. You know her best. Think of your future 10, 20, 30 years from now. Will she be able to grow up and mature to be a wonderful wife and mom? Does she really love you deep down and is just really bad at showing her feelings and being spoiled now? Does she have the capability to be a supportive equal partner? If she does, then lean on her now. Tell her you need her emotional support. That's one of the reasons why your married, so you can lean on each other. Good luck to you.
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post #52 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 01:58 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

People saying that he shouldn't have quit his job; he can get another job. It's not the end of the world. Unfortunately time with his mother is not something he'll just be able to go and get more of. It's easy to put a great deal of value on working, but placing going out to work above caring for a dying family member when they are near the end, I think you all have your value systems severely screwed up.


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post #53 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 02:17 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Man, I'm stunned at this thread. Some of the harshness from a few veteran posters responses surprised me. I think there is a bunch of projection going on in this thread and I wish OP's wife was posting. I see immaturity on both sides and her impending death has made it worse on both sides.
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post #54 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-05-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

It probably seems harsh to the OP I guess that some have reacted with the suggestion that he just give up on the marriage now, but from people who have been through the struggles of keeping a marriage together, many feel that going into it with such massive issues is going to make for a few miserable years before inevitable divorce.

However, if the OP and his wife are open to learning about themselves and each other they might be able to overcome those issues. If you're still around OP, try getting a few relationship books now to help you learn how to communicate with her and understand how to make her feel heard, while also learning how to make your own feelings more clear to her. The most important requirement for a successful relationship is honesty imo. It's only when both people are honest about how they are feeling that there is any chance to work through their problems.


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post #55 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 04:38 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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And again, unless she wants us to live in the ghetto or her parents spare bedroom, this house that we will inherit is quite the deal to start our lives. Nice area and cheap because it was bought as a short sale 4 1/2 years ago.

I'm afraid you need a heavy-duty reality check here.

You may "inherit" the house but the mortgage will not be passed on down to you the way the house would be. At the time of death of the homeowner, the remaining mortgage amount becomes due in fill. You can apply for another mortgage but you simply cannot take over her mortgage. Since you will not have been working for some time, you will be ineligible for a mortgage. Plus, you would need a down payment and closing costs, which can be significant. Otherwise, the house reverts to the mortgage company. Or have you not thought this far?

Also, since you are not working, only your wife is, she is having to support you and your mother on her salary. There is no way she could save enough for a down payment and closing costs while paying utilities, food costs and the existing mortgage. Or do you plan on not paying the current mortgage and letting it go into foreclosure?

As for your possibly getting hired by the large fire department, if you turn that down, there are no do-overs. You will have lost your shot with them.

You seem fond of "discussing" things with your wife then arbitrarily changing things no matter what your wife thinks or wants. I doubt you discussed your quitting your job to take care of your mother but you went ahead and did it, expecting your poor wife to pick up the slack.

Your priority is your wife. You made vows to her or did you have your fingers crossed when you promised to Leave-and-Cleave? Your mother may not want hospice but expecting you to quit your job to devote yourself to her is incredibly selfish of her. Since your mother didn't have a husband, she may feel your wife shouldn't get one either; you are your mother's surrogate spouse and she is not going to let anyone take you away from her.

You need to get some third party factual advice and move your marriage to the front burner or do your wife a HUGE favor and split.

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post #56 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 10:20 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

How are you doing @Tommerz22 ?
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post #57 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Hi, this is my first post but I wanted to say that I've been in a similar position and I am the wife.

In short, my husband was and still is 100% devoted to his mother's care. He is the eldest son in an Asian family (filial piety is very serious). Being a loving, grateful and devoted son isn't just his duty, it's been ingrained in him since birth. It is part of his very identity. His mother suffered to raise him well, and he loves her very deeply for that. He has one sister who left the country two decades ago, so he's really the only one to take care of his parents.

Shortly after we married, my husband's father died. He passed away suddenly while we were on our honeymoon, and wanting to support my husband as best I could, I got us on the next flight back. I told him whatever help he needed to take care of his mother - she is severely mentally ill and heavily medicated - i will stand by him.

Back home and after the funeral, we gave up our happy little newlywed home to move into his mother's place, and my whole life was turned upside down. In that home I lived by one rule, "Don't upset Mummy."

I wish I could say I was Mary Poppins with a spoon full of sugar, but honestly the whole living situation was a nightmare for oh so many reasons. It was hard for my husband, too. He felt pulled between the two most important women in his life.

We eventually went to a counselor and we wisely chose an Asian man who was older, like a father figure, and who was able to help my husband cope. Here's basically what he said:

It's wonderful that you love your mother and absolutely the right thing to take care of her. However, you also love your wife and have chosen to make a commitment to her. So how do you honor both your mother and your wife? Your mother raised you, but you are no longer a boy. You have chosen to marry, so you must be a husband first. Take care of your wife's needs first, and then the two of you, together, can take care of your mother. If your wife is certain without a doubt that you are devoted to her, then she will not feel threatened by your feelings for your mother and will be happy and proud to stand by your side in her loving care.

And that's basically how it's done. Loving your wife does not take away love from your mother. It doubles the love you have to give to her. And wouldn't your mother feel peace to know that you will be happy and taken care of after she is gone?

I am sorry for all you have to go through, for your mother's illness and for your wife's struggles.
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post #58 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Okay, so I've read the all the posts...Here's my thoughts on the whole thing.

Neither of you were ready for the commitment of marriage. I'm sure the two of you are great as a couple going out together, but that's not a marriage.

You're both very young, and both of you are independently minded. Neither of you are working with each other, you're both digging in your heels to do it your own way. That's not a marriage.

You are putting your duty as a son before your duty as a husband..That's not a marriage.

She (your wife) is putting herself before you as a wife.. That's not a marriage.

Your mother, who is sick, has chosen to NOT go into hospice and depends on you for her care. Regardless of how your wife feels. That's not a marriage.

You and your wife are not in the same book right now, never mind on the same page.

Your wife resents your mothers illness, and your attention it takes away from her. She's a new bride, new brides don't think of sick mother in laws. They think of their new marital home, their new life with her husband, future plans. The fact she CANT put these to the side for you, shows she's not ready to be anyone's wife.

The fact that your mother won't go into hospice, and you're not willing to budge on being her caretaker means that you're not ready to be anyone's husband at this time.

So, you and your young wife need to sit down and take some stock in each other..The vow is for better or for worse.

You need to tell your wife how you feel about how she's treating the impending death of your mother, that you do not feel supported, etc.

Then you need to close your mouth and listen to your wife about the fact that your mother is the center of your universe and that it's leaving her as a third wheel in her own marriage to YOU.

Then you two need to decide if you can both over come these things to work out a compromise regarding the house, working, how mom is cared for, if it's too much to handle with mom being sick, then YOU need to man up and tell this girl you can't be what she needs. A Husband to HER.

A marriage is when you each can put the other before SELF...If you two sit down and agree you're not doing that for each other, and really don't want to do that for each other at this time...It will take an incredible load off both of you to admit it.
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post #59 of 59 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

I'm locking this thread because Tommerz22 has not been here for a while. If he returns he can PM me or anther mod to reopen the thread.

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