Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:34 AM Thread Starter
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Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Hello,

I got married this past weekend after moving up my wedding date by 6 months after my mothers cancer moved further throughout her body and now into her brain. I have been with my now wife for 6 1/2 years since we were 16. The plan all along was that she would move into the home I have been living in with my mom when we are married. We have been married now for 3 days and she hasn't been to our house one time, instead staying at her parents home. I know she can't stand the idea of being at "my moms" home because she doesn't want that. What I don't get is how she can act so ugly when she knows my mom won't even be here forever obviously. I CANT STAND how she acts about the situation with my mom. She has already told me that she will not allow me to keep almost anything when my mom goes and I don't understand how she even has the audacity to even say that.

Also, my parents have been separated for about 7 years or so and my dad now lives a couple hours away and is living with a girlfriend. My now wife, her mother, her grandmother etc. don't understand why I say that I don't want to be around his girlfriend when I am dealing with slowly losing my mother. I have been around her twice in the couple year long relationship, only about 2 hours total so I don't even know her. For my engagement party last year and wedding this past weekend, the previously mentioned people all said I need to invite dad's girlfriend and I refused because this is supposed to be special for me and my mom especially and didn't want other woman there. They all tell me i have to get over it and let her be around, yet none of them understand anything. A couple days ago I told my wife that when my mom isn't here anymore I will never be around dad's girlfriend, especially when I have children. I don't want to be around some woman when my mom isn't even here anymore and I really don't want my children to see my dad and somehow confuse this other woman as a grandma or something when in reality their grandma is in heaven. My wife of course calls me crazy and weird and it really hurts me because it's as if she doesn't care at all how the eventual Loss of my mom will affect me.

Also can't stand how she says that I love my mom so much more than her because I try to be there for my mom and always want to be with her for obvious reasons, because I will soon lose my mom at 22/23 years old. She doesn't understand it's okay for me to love my mother. I would think that would be admirable but she hates it.

I also quit my Job the day after the cancer moved to her brain and nearly everyone I talk to has praised me saying that i am very mature for wanting to do that to be with my mom. Everyone seems to understand it but my wife. She still tells me that I was stupid for quitting my job that paid $14 an hour (nothing) and even criticizes my mom and says my mom was selfish for allowing me to do that. The reality is that the inheritance I will get when my mom passes will be more than working for $14 an hour so I made the decision that I would rather be with my mom the last few months of my life than work 50 hours a week.

Help.

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post #2 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:40 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

You are going through a lot right now for someone in their early twenties! I am sorry you are going through this and I think your mom is very lucky to have you with her in her final months. My advice would be to not worry about your wife right now, I know that's hard but these are the last times you will ever spend with your mom and you will remember these times for the rest of your life. Don't worry about being around your dad or his girlfriend after your mom passes or about future children right now. I think it's very commendable that you quit your job to take of her, it's very hard to take care of someone who is ill, do you get any help from hospice workers?
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post #3 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:44 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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I also quit my Job the day after the cancer moved to her brain and nearly everyone I talk to has praised me saying that i am very mature for wanting to do that to be with my mom. Everyone seems to understand it but my wife. She still tells me that I was stupid for quitting my job that paid $14 an hour (nothing) and even criticizes my mom and says my mom was selfish for allowing me to do that. The reality is that the inheritance I will get when my mom passes will be more than working for $14 an hour so I made the decision that I would rather be with my mom the last few months of my life than work 50 hours a week.
I'mnot so sure that that's the smartest thing to do.

One of my mother's friends stopped working when her husband was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors said he had 6 months to live and went on to live for another 4 years.

Between her, her husband and their daughter, they owned a business which the daughter ran into the ground with her gambling addiction.

Had my mother's friend continued working, she would have had some structure to her day, a reason to regularly get out of the house, and may have saved the family business before her daughter ruined it.

Instead, once her husband died, she had to sell her home to pay her bills. And it has not been easy since.

IF you talk to a financial planner, the first thing they tell you is to take care of yourself first. That way, you will be in a position to help others.
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post #4 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 01:50 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
I'mnot so sure that that's the smartest thing to do.

One of my mother's friends stopped working when her husband was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors said he had 6 months to live and went on to live for another 4 years.

Between her, her husband and their daughter, they owned a business which the daughter ran into the ground with her gambling addiction.

Had my mother's friend continued working, she would have had some structure to her day, a reason to regularly get out of the house, and may have saved the family business before her daughter ruined it.

Instead, once her husband died, she had to sell her home to pay her bills. And it has not been easy since.

IF you talk to a financial planner, the first thing they tell you is to take care of yourself first. That way, you will be in a position to help others.
I disagree, she has brain cancer, that is a very quick illness. If he was pressured to quit his job, that's one thing, but he wanted to do it to spend her last months with her. That's a very unselfish act. He can still get out of the the house if he needs to but a parent dying is a very stressful, having to go to work just adds to the stress and he'd have to find someone to care for her. Spending time with her is what is important right now, he's only 22, he has his whole life to plan his 401k.
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post #5 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:08 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Why did you move up your wedding?

I too think that you need to just focus on your mother. I'm not sure why your wife is not supportive of you. I can understand her not wanting to move into your mother's home right now. It is your mother's home after all. Not wanting to invade your mother's home could be a respectful thing for her to do.

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Originally Posted by Tommerz22 View Post
She has already told me that she will not allow me to keep almost anything when my mom goes and I don't understand how she even has the audacity to even say that.
What is this about? Does she want you to get rid of your mother's furniture and other belongings?

After your mother passes away, if you have things your way, do you want to keep things in your mother's house exactly as your mother has them? Is that the issue?

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post #6 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 02:14 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

My guess is she's jealous of your devotion to your mom and the time you spend with your mom that takes you away from her. If your wife doesn't want to be there, you can't make her but I'd imagine once your mom passes you're going to have some big time resentment towards your wife. How old is your wife? Do you have any siblings that can help out some or aunts and uncles?
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post #7 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 11:41 AM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

I'll play devil's advocate for a moment here...

You said moving in with your mom was the plan all along, but whose plan was it? Did your wife happily agree, or did she feel pressured? Was saying no an option for her? Did you and your wife discuss and negotiate your living situation and job situation like adults, or did you just make your plan and carry on without giving her a say?

Why are you so opposed to dad's girlfriend? Is she a bad person, or just not your mom? Put yourself in your dad's shoes for a moment... If you and your wife have kids, then divorce, would you be okay with being cut out of your children's lives once you find someone new?

You should definitely be spending time with your mom right now. But if you got that time by running over your new wife and disregarding her feelings, then you have some apologies to make (if you'd like to stay married).

I've written this poem before but always through a window, never through an open door.

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post #8 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:01 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

You should NOT have married this woman! Why would you marry someone with this kind of horrible attitude toward your sick mother?? And if she didn't want to live in your mother's house, then that should have been discussed and resolved long ago. (if she didn't want to live there, then you should have made other arrangements out of respect for those feelings and your marriage) Based on what you are telling here, this woman is NOT a good person! See if you can get the marriage annulled. She sounds nasty and controlling, and you will be dealing with this for the next 40 years of your life if you don't get out of it now...is this really the kind of person you want as your life partner??

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #9 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lilac23 View Post
You are going through a lot right now for someone in their early twenties! I am sorry you are going through this and I think your mom is very lucky to have you with her in her final months. My advice would be to not worry about your wife right now, I know that's hard but these are the last times you will ever spend with your mom and you will remember these times for the rest of your life. Don't worry about being around your dad or his girlfriend after your mom passes or about future children right now. I think it's very commendable that you quit your job to take of her, it's very hard to take care of someone who is ill, do you get any help from hospice workers?
We haven't reached out to hospice yet. I am an EMT/ Reserve Firefighter so I have medical experience and understand the process of dying and such. When it starts to be close to the end I figure I will contact them so she can be given drugs to essentially lessen any Pain. She is only 63 and doesn't wasn't hospice out right now, she doesn't want to talk to people about dying when she feels she still has much to live for.
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post #10 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
I'mnot so sure that that's the smartest thing to do.

One of my mother's friends stopped working when her husband was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors said he had 6 months to live and went on to live for another 4 years.

Between her, her husband and their daughter, they owned a business which the daughter ran into the ground with her gambling addiction.

Had my mother's friend continued working, she would have had some structure to her day, a reason to regularly get out of the house, and may have saved the family business before her daughter ruined it.

Instead, once her husband died, she had to sell her home to pay her bills. And it has not been easy since.

IF you talk to a financial planner, the first thing they tell you is to take care of yourself first. That way, you will be in a position to help others.
My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 months after I graduated from high school when I was 18. They thought it was gone after surgery/ chemo/ radiation but exactly 1 year later it returned in her spine. Doctor said that bone cancer is manageable but not curable. I told myself at 19 years old that if i am not a full time Firefighter yet when this cancer spreads somewhere worse then I will quit my job to be with her. My parents are split up and I am an only child. My mom has been with me for 22 years and I would never live wirh myself if I didn't quit my job for this. This cancer is in my bothers spine, lung, liver, and all throughout her brain. Again from my medical experience she won't make it 4 years. She's a few weeks away from needing a prescription for a wheelchair.

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post #11 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Why did you move up your wedding?

I too think that you need to just focus on your mother. I'm not sure why your wife is not supportive of you. I can understand her not wanting to move into your mother's home right now. It is your mother's home after all. Not wanting to invade your mother's home could be a respectful thing for her to do.

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Originally Posted by Tommerz22 View Post
She has already told me that she will not allow me to keep almost anything when my mom goes and I don't understand how she even has the audacity to even say that.
What is this about? Does she want you to get rid of your mother's furniture and other belongings?

After your mother passes away, if you have things your way, do you want to keep things in your mother's house exactly as your mother has them? Is that the issue?
The problem is that she doesn't understand that when my mom goes that I will want to keep important things that she had and cherished. She seems rude, she is going to get a house for complete free and it seems like she isn't grateful at all. I don't want to keep things in same position or keep much any of the furniture necessarily but there is a nice curio cabinet with very nice things as well as a hitch and china cabinet that are all very expensive and nice pieces of furniture and she tells me they are going to storage because they "don't match her theme" just seems rude to me that all I ask is to keep at least 2 of the 3 things she has and the items inside. She also likes to make fun of the things my mom likes or her decorations and I don't understand the point. She also likes to tell me that I like everything too and want it all to be kept the same which is not true so that is frustrating.
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post #12 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:39 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

Why did you marry her? She sounds horrible!!


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post #13 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:43 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Lilac23 View Post
My guess is she's jealous of your devotion to your mom and the time you spend with your mom that takes you away from her. If your wife doesn't want to be there, you can't make her but I'd imagine once your mom passes you're going to have some big time resentment towards your wife. How old is your wife? Do you have any siblings that can help out some or aunts and uncles?
Like I tell her, it's a different kind of love and you would think that it would be commendable and show how great of a husband and father I will be but she doesn't see it like that. And yes that is my fear, I fear I will resent her when all is said and done because of how she acts right now and things she has said as well as things she will probably do and say when all is said and done.

My wife is same age as me, 22. I am an only child. I have an uncle that lives 2 hours away that is awesome, he come in every other weekend on average and spend a couple days with us. Another uncle in town and in about 10 weeks since moving to the brain he has been over about 3 times but does work full time and is raising a 14 year old by himself. I have 2 aunts (retired) that I am not fond of. They helped with my mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer for about a year by taking her to appointments when I was either at school, work, academy, etc. but it got to the point that it was obvious that they were tired of doing it even though it was about once a week. Then January of 2015, their 86 year old father was diagnosed with lung cancer and he eventually passed away 3 weeks ago but during that year, it was as if my mom fell of the map to them, as if she wasn't sick at all. In 10 weeks they have been to my house 2 times each, only for 10 minutes.

Needless to say, nobody helps me- although I don't feel I need any help.
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post #14 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:47 PM
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Re: Wife that can't stand to live with my sick mom

What was the relationship between your wife and mother like prior to all of this?

I'm thinking their has to be some underlying issues here. ....how has your mother treated your wife in general? Does your wife on any level feel like she's competing with your mother?
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post #15 of 59 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 12:50 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by OpenWindows View Post
I'll play devil's advocate for a moment here...

You said moving in with your mom was the plan all along, but whose plan was it? Did your wife happily agree, or did she feel pressured? Was saying no an option for her? Did you and your wife discuss and negotiate your living situation and job situation like adults, or did you just make your plan and carry on without giving her a say?

Why are you so opposed to dad's girlfriend? Is she a bad person, or just not your mom? Put yourself in your dad's shoes for a moment... If you and your wife have kids, then divorce, would you be okay with being cut out of your children's lives once you find someone new?

You should definitely be spending time with your mom right now. But if you got that time by running over your new wife and disregarding her feelings, then you have some apologies to make (if you'd like to stay married).
I understand what you are saying but here's my side...

My parents split up before I was born, then retried from age of 9-15 and then split again. My mom has been with me since day one of 22 years. I have been with my wife since I was 16. The way I look at it is this, she had a choice to walk away. She didn't have to go through with this. My mom was originally diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 18. What was discussed all along was that one day when we get married, we will look for a house that has a guest house so my mom is always with us. That was at 18 years old. We are now 22 and she has brain cancer, she had plenty of time to run. It may not be the most exciting situation to a new bride but she didn't have to do it and the reality is she doesn't even have much more time to fake enjoying the situation but she's digging herself into a ditch by how she acts about my mother.
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