General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Well this is my first post and I have no one else to talk about my problems. So here I am airing them out in a public internet forum.
The situation is we have not had sex (intercourse) for about a year now. I am 41 and she is 42. She has had a radical hysterectomy including here cervix and all female parts. She is not on any hormone meds and refuses to take them. She will not even try the BHT due to the fact it makes her have severe hot flashes. As a result of the surgeries she has now been diagnosed with “Vaginal Atrophy”. For those who do not know that it is caused by lack of estrogen and causes your nerve endings come through your thinning vaginal walls and it is extremely painful with intercourse no matter how much lube you use.
We have been married for 18 yrs. and have had a really active sex life in the beginning and it has slowly started to diminish over the last 8 yrs. I have an extremely high sex drive for a 41 yr. old male. I could have sex everyday. I love the female body. It’s so sexy. I love my wife’s body immensely. I am the type of guy who is all about the women first. I get my pleasure from seeing her pleasure, if that makes any sense. There is no part of her body that is off limits to me. I love to kiss, caress, lick and rub it all. Feet to the head. Unfortunately for me she has never ever enjoyed the “whole body” experience like I would love to give her; I will spare the details and let you use your imagination on that. I Love to lick all areas.
At any rate; to my problem. Since this last surgery approx. 3-4 yrs. ago it has really got bad. We have gone from casual sex to absolutely no sexual contact what so ever. I am very sympathetic to her problem with it being a medical condition that she really can’t control. With that being said she will not do anything sexual, IE. Blowjob, hand job, foot job, you name it. So when I take matters into my own hands she says that is all most equivalent to cheating on her. Wow! I know. I asked her what am I supposed to do and her reply was to pray about it. She says I need to become completely non-sexual in mind and body. She says monks, and priest can become celibate due to their beliefs so can I. (I am not nor have I ever played a monk or priest) She actually wants me to become celibate literally. No sexual anything ever again, I am freaking forty one not f’ing dead. Yet she still complains because we aren’t intimate, as in snuggling, lovey dovey. She is constantly tapping, grabbing at my groin in a playful way but gets mad when I ask her to stop. When she gets out of the shower and dries her hair, makeup etc. she does it naked. I walk in and all I want to do is devour her. It’s absolutely misery. I have suggested every other possible sexual scenario you can think of that does not involve intercourse, and apparently I am being ridiculous. I get constant complaints that I do not hug her, touch her or kiss her passionately but all those things makes me want her even more. What am I to do?
We have gone from casual sex to absolutely no sexual contact what so ever. I am very sympathetic to her problem with it being a medical condition that she really can’t control. With that being said she will not do anything sexual, IE. Blowjob, hand job, foot job, you name it. So when I take matters into my own hands she says that is all most equivalent to cheating on her. Wow! I know. I asked her what am I supposed to do and her reply was to pray about it. She says I need to become completely non-sexual in mind and body. She says monks, and priest can become celibate due to their beliefs so can I. (I am not nor have I ever played a monk or priest) She actually wants me to become celibate literally. No sexual anything ever again, I am freaking forty one not f’ing dead. Yet she still complains because we aren’t intimate, as in snuggling, lovey dovey. She is constantly tapping, grabbing at my groin in a playful way but gets mad when I ask her to stop. When she gets out of the shower and dries her hair, makeup etc. she does it naked. I walk in and all I want to do is devour her. It’s absolutely misery. I have suggested every other possible sexual scenario you can think of that does not involve intercourse, and apparently I am being ridiculous. I get constant complaints that I do not hug her, touch her or kiss her passionately but all those things makes me want her even more. What am I to do?
I'm sorry but your wife needs therapy. Like yesterday. And I don't even know you, but her behavior is appalling and it's making me angry. I'm pretty sure you're angry too.
She's got a medical condition which is really sad, but I'm sorry she's dead wrong in how she's treating you.
Her telling you that you need to be nonsexual is ridiculous. You need to seriously tell her how badly this is affecting you and the marriage. If she won't compromise then you have to decide if you're willing to live the rest of your life like this. Explain that to her. Posted via Mobile Device
Marriage is a sexual relationship. That's a fact. She doesn't want sex, then guess what? She doesn't want the marriage either. She can't just have it her way.
Not letting you rub one out by yourself wasn't right. I would go crazy and you'll probably find me at the top of a bell tower. BTW listen to JB, she knows what she's talking about, coughmostofthetimecough.
. So when I take matters into my own hands she says that is all most equivalent to cheating on her. Wow! I know. I asked her what am I supposed to do and her reply was to pray about it. She says I need to become completely non-sexual in mind and body. She says monks, and priest can become celibate due to their beliefs so can I. (I am not nor have I ever played a monk or priest) She actually wants me to become celibate literally. No sexual anything ever again, I am freaking forty one not f’ing dead.
This is TOTALLY TOTALLY outrageous, she is TOO religous minded for one, and her refusal to take hormones to replace what has been taken from her --this leaves her feeling NOTHING SEXUAL at all, and expects you to join in. AIN'T gonna happen.
What gets me is ....you both shared a GOOD healthy sex life for many years - does she have NO memory of how beautiful this once was, no care for your NEEDS ? (and they ARE needs)
She has put you in a sexual straight jacket- and desires you remain there. You can't allow this!
Reading this even makes me kinda angry, can't even imagine dealing with a spouse with such a mindset. You have a hell of a battle on your hands. Either Counseling for her and/or possible leaving her, if she refuses to budge, and really, noone wants to beg for sex, if the heart & desire to please is NOT there, you will grow so tired of this, you will drown in Resentment and other women outside of your wife will start looking really good. It happens to the best of them.
Let her read this - to help explain how YOU FEEL -if that means anything to her.
Wow! I am so glad I found this forum, I have been cruising some other topics and I have found a lot of interesting stuff.
Thank you all who have responded so quickly. After I re-read my initial post I didn't realize how painful this is.
Great comments by you guys.
A Bit Much- I'm sorry but your wife needs therapy. Like yesterday. This I know, myself included. She refuses, says we shouldn't discuss our problems with strangers, they are all quacks.
Jellybeans-If she won't compromise then you have to decide if you're willing to live the rest of your life like this. This is my delima I am dealing with now. Such a waste to throw away 18 yrs. then at the same time I look around and see happiness outside of my marriage.
Cheatinghubby-Not letting you rub one out by yourself wasn't right. just because she does not agree, doesn't mean I stop! ha
SimplyAmorous-She has put you in a sexual straight jacket- and desires you remain there. This is currently my life and I am very angry.
I understand your situation. My wife had a total hysterectomy 2 years ago other than her cervix. She is on hormones but still has no desire to do anything. I basically told her I was taking matters into my own hands since she has always know that I masturbate. However at 2 years and no comeback in sex drive it is very frustrating.
I do still spend a lot of time holding her, rubbing her back and enjoying affectionate time with her (other than sex). I am 44 and the prospect of having to take care of myself for the rest of my life is very very upsetting.
We are now actively trying to get into shape and I can feel myself getting more and more sexually frustrated as I get in shape. We are talking about sex a lot more, but nothing is really coming of it.
The other sad thing is that I can tell she is almost in pain when I start trying to make moves on her and it immediately turns me off.
As it stands though I love her with all my heart and just hope we can get through this time.
You might want to talk to her about getting bioidentical hormones, and to talk to her doctor about it. One of my wife's friends who had a total hysterectomy takes them and says that she is totally in the mood, which was not the case prior to getting the hormones.
I would definitely not stop masturbating. I would actually start doing it in front of her. At least then it is not hiding it.
losing my mind (1st post) 
