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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 09-17-2011, 01:13 AM Thread Starter
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Exclamation Do I have unrealistic expectations?

My husband and I in general have a really great relationship. I've never doubted his love for me etc., but there are times where I wonder if either I'm not communicating clearly or if he's just not hearing what I'm saying. (my personal opinion in some things I don't think I could be any clearer) I pride myself in the fact that I'm not a jealous/insecure type of person so, when I discovered that he was having conversations with a female that he knew from when he was younger on google "off the record" and asked him about it~he simply stated it was a general setting and didn't realize it was on so he took it off. I discovered this week that conversations took place while I was out of town and the conversations are once again "off the record" (for those of you who may not know what that means it means the conversations are not stored on his chat record-aka I can't see it) I want so badly to waylay on him about this, but I also don't want to do it and seem like the insecure/jealous wife. This female lives in another state and is in a long term relationship so infidelity is not a concern for me....the secrecy is! In addition to this issue tonight it kind of came to a head with me in regards to my husband's hobby. My initial feelings are that I feel as if I come in second place to his hobby and I get whatever time is leftover after he has gone to the airfield and played with his flying buddies. My husband considers it us having time together while I'm across the room and he sits at his table with his nose in his helicopter. Yes we can speak, but I don't feel the connection. It bothers me that it doesn't bother him that since he got serious about this hobby (approx 5 mos. ago) we have not had a day that was spent totally 100% us without helicopters being mentioned/him flying or anything. Do I have unrealistic expectations or has the time arrived to confront the situation?

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 09-17-2011, 06:46 AM
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Re: Do I have unrealistic expectations?

YOu mentioned this changing approx 5 months ago, so YES, something has changed, you are feeling it, there is nothing wrong with you, you simply desire to get back to where you was before, feeling that emotional connection , that he is focused TOTALLY on you --as it seems he has taken an obsession to his Hobby of lately.

People can fall into these things . I have done this in the past myself, I have somewhat of an obsessive personality, when I get "into something", I have a tendency , if I do not willingly try to control it, to eat , drink and sleep what I am "into".

Your husband may not even realize he is doing this, he is so overwhelmed mentally with this new hobby.

I would feel the same about the secrecy thing, His chatting would not bother me, his unwillingness to not share all of that WOULD. Some people feel they deserve alot of privacy in marraige. I don't know, not everyone agrees on these things. So if you are one that wants total transparency and he is one that feels some things don't have to be shared, you don't need to know every conversation, then you & he will have a divide on this matter likely.

I'd talk more about how you are feeling , how you are craving more time with just you & him. Request a little vacation, excursion to get away from all of this. Make it worth his while when he does give you that time, so he will want more and more - this will help you get back to that intimate connection.

Also learn of his hobby, when you are in that room, come up behind him, put your arms around him, ask him questions about his helicopter, read up on these things -so you & he can talk about it together. Getting involved in something our spouses love -will always be a PLUS in any marraige.

Shared hobbies = shared happiness. (or at least a little interest).

My husband is into coin collecting, not my cup of tea, but he will tell me about this old coin, the prices, sometimes I ask questions, I know he LOVES that-- when I show an interest, when I want to go with him to the Coin shows. He even asks me if he should buy this or that, which is totally silly as I am not up on what they are worth. He tries to involve me.

One of my hobbys is "forums" likes this & Photograghy. I get really excited if he wants to use my camera (silly huh!) or if he asks me questions about what I learned today online, what new story I have to share. We are taking an interest in their life when we do that.

It will bring you closer.
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