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Problem between wife and mother

2K views 8 replies 7 participants last post by  frusdil 
#1 ·
Hello Everyone,

I am new to this forum. i would like to get some help regarding a classic relationship problem i am going through.

I am from India and got married in January 2016. I have not completed even 1 month into marriage and i am facing some issues within my family. The explanation of issues i am going to write may be long!

I lost my father in Nov 2015, my mother was very attached to him and feels very lonely because he is not around.

My marriage is an arrange marriage where parents along with me selected a girl for me, everyone was happy with the girl we had selected and my wife and i had spend 9 months together before we got married. We love each other. As far as i understand my wife she is very respectful for my mother and other relatives.

Problem is that my mother never shares any of her thoughts with my wife. While i am out for work they have no interaction what so ever. Any interaction they have is when they have lunch or some other meal(As told by my wife). Even when i am home on week off do not see much interaction between the too.

In Indian families housewives do all the house work like cleaning cooking etc. My wife do all these things everyday as per expectation and thinking of that as her job. My mother never appreciates her effort, and pin point small mistakes that she does sometimes. My mother tells all the things that happen in home everyday to my sister and also share what she feels what she don't like in wife with her instantly over phone. My mother is cheerful when neighbors who visit our home or when we go to someone else home, but never she shows the same emotions to my wife. My wife is feeling very sad because of these things, she have to spend her time doing nothing whole day because she has no one to talk to, no one to share her thoughts with. My wife as well as i am confused about what wrong is happening because of which my mothers behavior is like this.

I am very afraid of interfering between the two because i think my mother will think that i m biased towards my wife and don't love her anymore which is not true. Also if something goes wrong my relatives will blame me for this and will say that because my father is no more i am trying to be over smart and trying to annoy my mother. My wife feels that i am scared to tell my mother about what is correct and what is not, and that i cannot resolve the things.

I myself is feeling so low because of this, never thought that this will happen so soon in my marriage.

Please help me in helping my mother and my wife to be at least friends with each other, what i can do to solve the situation?

Any help, advice will be much appreciated!!!

Thanks
Ankit
 
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#2 ·
Ankit, appreciating that you come from a culture very different than the majority here, I can only offer opinions from that majority.

Your wife will lose respect for you if you don't learn to stand up to your mother.

As I understand it, an Indian family is like a unit. Your mother is singling out your wife, making her feel unwelcome and unaccepted. That is the opposite, to my understanding, of what marriage is supposed to do.

Your mother is likely lonely, but it is her responsibility to handle her sadness in positive, constructive ways. She may feel you are all that's left (if you have no siblings or they live away) and she has lost you to marriage. Even if she gets negative attention, it is still attention that should be spent on your wife.

Your wife likely feels isolated,picked on. That is a toxic environment for her and needs to stop or she will become depressed. You and she are the true unit. I'm sorry if this opinion has clashed with your cultural norms. I feel that parents should always have a presence in their children's lives, but not if they cannot show respect to their children's marriage.
 
#3 ·
Thanks Satya for the reply, you opinion did not clash with our cultural norms. What you are saying is true.

I am looking for some hints orthings that i can do to ease the situation. if you can point me towards some activities or things that i can do, it would be very helpful.
 
#4 ·
Classic tale of the Indian mother in law (don't know why the majority think it is their right to do this to daughters in law, its like a rite of passage and it probably happened to her). You should quietly take your mother aside and ask her point blank how is she getting on with your wife, she will probably complain, then point out that since she chose her then she has no right to complain and to put herself in your wife's shoes and remember how she was treated as a young wife. You are the eldest I assume and can demand that there is harmony in your household and your mother has to ensure this is happening. Be firm.
 
#5 ·
I don't know much about Indian culture. But it sounds like your mother may be feeling displaced in your life. Your wife may be able to help with that by asking your mother for help in little ways. Maybe she could ask your mother for advice on preparing your favorite foods, or something like that. Even if your wife doesn't really need the advice, it may open up conversation between them, and help them find some common ground.
 
#6 ·
Ankit, my first suggestion would be to talk very frankly and compassionately with your wife. Ask her to be truthful about how your mother's treatment makes her feel. Let her know that you want the truth, even if she has some not nice things to say.

Then really listen to her. Remind her that you are a team.

Then you take her truth and you present your decision to your mother. You sit your mother down, remind her you love and care for her, and if she loves and cares for you equally, then she needs to extend that love and caring to your wife, because you and your wife are one. How your mother treats her is an indirect reflection of how she treats you. Remind her of this. When your wife hurts, you hurt, and you're hurting now.

No need to be dramatic about it, just be simple and straightforward.

If your mother can't be accepting of your wife, then there are always options for you two to save up and live on your own, and visit your mother from time to time.
 
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#9 ·
^^This.

I just want to be clear too that @Satya doesn't mean that you talk to your wife and then go to your mother and tell her what your wife said.

I'm just concerned you may read it that way :)

What she means is you and your wife discuss how your poor wife is feeling, then you have a chat with your mum about treating your wife better (while keeping your wife's confidence about what the two of you discussed).

Also tell your mum to knock it off with telling your sister everything...or go and live with her, lol.
 
#7 ·
I think you've gotten some really good responses here. In a nutshell: you need to tell your mother that what she's doing isn't okay. You don't need to be disrespectful to her or mean, but you need to let her know that she is acting inappropriately.

It can be really hard to have that kind of discussion with someone, but you're the one your mother needs to hear it from. And I suspect both her and your wife will respect you more for it in the long run.
 
#8 ·
Your Mother is feeling displaced by your wife. She is no longer the lady of the house. She is not in charged anymore.

You need to have a private talk with her. Assure her that you love and appreciate her. However, she cannot tell your sister of things that are going on in the house. She cannot nit pit on things that your wife does.
You are putting her on notice that you will not allow her to speak about your wife to other.

Most importantly, you are letting her know you will side with your wife.

I agree with @Satya, @aine and @OpenWindows, that, you need to let your mother and wife know that you will lookout for your wife. Your wife needs to know that you have her back and you will protect her against everyone.

If you don't speak up for her, she will lose respect for you and get depressed.

Some of the ways your wife can get your mother to interact with her, is to ask for help(even if she does not need it). Ask advice or ask about you when you were little. I love hearing stories about my FIL who died when my H was 6 years old.

So, get your mother to talk about your father and the things he used to do. If she can talk about him whenever she wants it will help her.

Good luck.
 
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