I feel like I'm done ... but here I still am
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Old 12-07-2008, 02:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I feel like I'm done ... but here I still am

(sorry so long - hard to summarize these things - read what you can and please advice).

I feel like I'm done with my marriage. But I'm not ready to walk out the door yet. I have three little kids and am not ready to be a single parent and turn their world upside down. I also keep thinking there's got to be a way to fix this.

Background: I married my best friend. I was not that attracted to him, but I always heard everywhere a great marriage is built on friendship, while attraction comes and goes and fades over time. So, I thought I'd be smart and marry the guy that was a good friend. Dumb move. Without the attraction, there have been problems from the beginning. He is attracted to me, but it is hard for me to reciprocate. Outside of sex and physical affection, we've done great. We are well matched morally, extracurricularly, and as parents to our children. We have laughed a lot together and all that good stuff.

We went through years of working on our sex life (married for 6 years, together for 8) - both of us had some issues there. I've made great progress in terms of letting go of inhibitions and, in fact, my libido is better than ever (I'm 34) - while he has made no progress in working on his issues. He's always had "performance issues" (maintaining erection) and they are not physically based, it's mental for him. He had this problem in his previous relationships as well so it's not me doing something to him.

Anyway, the lack of physical connection has been eroding the good things that we had going for us. We're laughing less together, tension has been building slowly over the years, rejections have been accumulating to make us both feel bad (and he does reject me too when I've asked for sex sometimes because he says unless I'm in the mood to be "in charge", he doesn't want the pressure to have to perform and please me - don't even make me have to explain that whole warped dynamic).

We're just losing the friendship. I have always been very supportive of him as a provider and with his career issues. Anytime he's sad or upset or moody, I put all else aside to be there for him and listen or talk him through a problem or help him work on his anxiety. But, when I'm moody or depressed or whatever, he abandons me. Seriously, he lays low and goes and hides behind his video games and avoids me as much as possible.

I dunno. I just feel like I'm losing my friend (and I think he feels the same) and friendship was all we had to begin with (on my end anyway).

I feel done working on things (we've worked hard on this marriage in the past and even went to counseling at one point) and when we used to communicate openly and well, we did a lot of that. But we're not doing that anymore. And we didn't make any progress. Now we're avoiding the issues, avoiding any serious topics about us. Drowing in dulldrom. Growing more and more distant. Sadly, I'm starting to not even mind. I'm mentally and emotionally checking out.

I feel done. I think that's why I've stopped trying to make it better. But I don't know what to do in that wierd abyss between being done and not being ready to leave.

Last edited by MsLady; 12-07-2008 at 02:23 PM.
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Old 12-07-2008, 05:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like I'm done ... but here I still am

Did you date before marriage? How long? Did you have sex before marriage? How was it then?

If he has "performance issues" --- sheesh...maintaining an erection, there are pills for that (I've used them!).

How old are your kids? If very young, they may not remember him after a short while (if you decide to walk). Are you prepared to raise them by yourself (if/until/unless you find another mate)?

Does it feel like roomies? That's what separated my wife and myself. We'd known each other since HS days (went to different schools). I actually married her because of her threat to suicide if I didn't...sigh. We had 3 great kids, then grew apart (surprise?) as they surpassed puberty. She's still around, but the kids never knew about the blackmail aspect!

So, what are you seeking here, girl? What do you want to do? With your life? With your kids? About hubby?
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Old 12-07-2008, 05:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like I'm done ... but here I still am

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Originally Posted by dcrim View Post
Did you date before marriage? How long? Did you have sex before marriage? How was it then?
The million dollar question. We were friends for a while, then he revealed his feelings for me and then things just moved at the speed of light. It was like, before I realized what was happening, I was engaged. But, to be fair, I cared about him tremendously. Like I said, we were best friends. Oh, and the sex, not good then either. But he was on anti-depressants at the time and kept telling me it was because of the meds. I believed him. The sexual chemistry wasn't there either for me (kissing, touching, etc). But he was so sweet. I thought we could fix all that. I feel so freakin stupid now. And feel like it's my fault we're in this situation because I was so dumb about how important it is to have chemistry at the beginning. I seriously thought the other stuff was more important and the chemistry/ sexual compatibility you could work on.

Quote:
If he has "performance issues" --- sheesh...maintaining an erection, there are pills for that (I've used them!).
We did those for a while. The problem with those was that then he took like a million years to orgasm and, honestly, the rest of his "performance" leaves a lot to be desired, so unless it's going to be good for me, I don't want to lie under him for 60 minutes before I can move on with my day. I did that to be the good wife for the first few years, but sheesh.

Quote:
How old are your kids? If very young, they may not remember him after a short while (if you decide to walk). Are you prepared to raise them by yourself (if/until/unless you find another mate)?
Kids are 1, 3, and 5. Very young. I would never have them lose contact with their dad, even if I left him. He's a great father and we both love our kids to no end. I believe that he would want to see them often, and I would hope that we would come up with something that would minimize the kids' loss. But I would still be a single mom and that's hard to do it by yourself when the kids are with you. Yes, I'm prepared to raise them. I am a professional and, though haven't worked for a while, I can get a job reasonably easily. It's the psychological aspect on the children that worries me. Financially would be hard to get on my feet, but I'm an independent woman and have never been afraid to care for myself and mine.

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Does it feel like roomies?
Definitely like roomies.

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So, what are you seeking here, girl? What do you want to do? With your life? With your kids? About hubby?
Dunno. If there were no kids in the picture, I think I'd leave now (though not 100% sure yet). But the kids complicate things for me in a real way.

Wowsers on the blackmail from your ex. Talk about pressure. She sounds like a real winner.
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Old 12-08-2008, 11:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like I'm done ... but here I still am

Well the way I see it, you have two options. Option one, keep dealing with things the same way you have or option two, make a plan and start making changes. Try to get in to see a marriage counselor again and maybe a sex therapist. His issues with performance may be mental and the therapist can help him work through that. It sounds like you guys have a great friendship and many couples would kill for that. Use it as your foundation to work on this and build from the ground up again. It is going to take a lot of hard work and dedication, but if he and you are both willing, you can make it work.
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Old 12-08-2008, 03:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like I'm done ... but here I still am

If he knows that you really aren't and were never physically attracted to him, that could be the cause of his proformance issues.

I don't think there is a cure for that. You would have to convince him that you are really into him.
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Old 12-08-2008, 04:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like I'm done ... but here I still am

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Originally Posted by StrongEnough View Post
It sounds like you guys have a great friendship and many couples would kill for that. Use it as your foundation to work on this and build from the ground up again. It is going to take a lot of hard work and dedication, but if he and you are both willing, you can make it work.
Do you think that I could become attracted to him if I worked at it or is that one of those things that just has to be there to begin with?

Quote:
If he knows that you really aren't and were never physically attracted to him, that could be the cause of his proformance issues.
He doesn't know that. It would be too hurtful to say that to him. All I've said is that I think we might sexually incompatible b/c we have different styles and desires in the bedroom. Only this summer did I tell him that I'm feeling platonic toward him. He had the same performance issues in past relationships (and broke at least one relationship up because of it) so I know this isn't new to me. In fact, he has improved since we've been together b/c I tried so hard for the first few years to prop up his ego and all that. I would suggest that sex things in like "oh, let's try this sexy thing" or "I would love for you to do x to me" etc. This was an attempt to guide him in the right direction without saying "you suck". I also know sex is a two-way street so I'm not ****y enough to think I'm so great and he sucks. I think there also just incompatibility issues (and attraction issues on my part) that are no one's fault.
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