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Wife says she doesn't love me any more...

21K views 182 replies 48 participants last post by  manfromlamancha 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years. We've been married for 10. Before we were married we lived together for 8-9 years, built a house, started careers, and a year after were blessed with a beautiful little girl who's now 8. I've always been a "car guy" and as it turns out although she was always initially supportive when I embarked on a restoration project she was really getting hurt inside. I tend to become obsessed with the idea of completion of projects and pay little attention to anything else. She got neglected a LOT including when she was pregnant with our daughter. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing getting the summer car I had at the time sorted out before she was born. She saw it as abandonment. I finally got sick of working on stuff all the time when I should have been spending time with my family and sold both my "old" cars last spring and bought one newer reliable one to replace them. But it turned out to need a little work, and about the same time we decided to sell our home and move closer to town and my daughters activities. But the house needed work too so I had that to deal with. On top of this I work out of town and I'm on the road 2 hours a day.

She had been a little distant for about a month and 10 days or so ago when she was done putting my daughter to bed I pleaded with her to talk to me. She just looked me right in the eye and told me she didn't love me as a husband any more and that we would talk when our daughter had a sleepover that weekend.

I was completely taken by surprise and she didn't want to talk about it further then. I pleaded for her to talk to me and she wouldn't have any part of it. I sat up all night thinking about what this meant. The next day I called in to work and went to my best-man's place and worked on some stuff in his shop while we talked about it. He's got the same problem where he gets too into things and his wife has to reel him in every now and then.

So that night came and she told me all those times I was away from her she felt neglected. And how I was never romantic with her, my botched marriage proposal, and the fact I never take care of her when she's sick. All true. I felt like such a schmuck. Still do. Here's the love of my life and the mother of my child laying it all out as my tears pool up on the floor.

In my late teens I started issues with social anxiety. I am extremely uncomfortable in crowds, especially in restaurants. We have very rarely eaten out, never on any kind of dinner date just the two of us. We took one trip to Niagara falls together about a year after we met, but living beyond our means pretty much always we've never had the money to take any vacations. No honeymoon either. And as she was putting up a wall around her heart all these years I thought she was just upset and ignored it.

Now I've had the grandest of wake-up calls. She says she doesn't want to do anything to impact our daughter (who still has no idea, yet she's been sleeping with mommy the last few nights while I'm on the couch) but I'm incredibly worried I'm going to lose her forever. We have had a few talks since and I have told her if she's willing to give me another chance I promise things will not be the same. It's also brought out a side of me that I had forgotten since high school. I've been writing her poetry, telling her about my past relationships that hurt me before her (that one backfired HUGE) and just pouring my heart out. Complimenting her, waiting on her, and my writing just seems to piss her off. Thursday I didn't get a reply back to a text and I left work and drove straight to her job. She was extremely unimpressed. Now I'm just trying to be the best dad I can and hopefully she'll let me back into her heart.

I want to keep this side of me alive that exposes my emotions to her. and I want more than anything to make her happy. I want to re-propose the right way and take her out, send her flowers on a tuesday for no reason, and My god what was I thinking not taking care of her when she was sick.... More than anything I want to raise our child together and spend more time with them. I've wanted that for a long time but with her schedule, working out of town, house stuff, no money it just hasn't worked out. She sees it as too little to late. Doesn't want to go to couples therapy, says (she recently got into facebook again) she sees other peoples family lives/marriages and wish she had that. I want to give it to her. She says she doesn't know what she's going to do yet. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes.

Anyone been there? Am I screwed?
 
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#150 ·
Hey GT, how are you doing buddy? I know you feel your world is crashing down around you. I know you came here for advice and support, but feel beat up. Believe me everyone here wants you to come out on top. Many people here have been where you are. Hang in there. You are in my prayers.
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#170 ·
Would some of you who have been thru what GT is going thru share what you went thru?
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I went through the same thing he did. But you don't want to hear my answer. The love of his life. His soul mate. His EVERYTHING basically said "I haven't loved you for a long time. But I'm stuck with you for now. I doubt I'll ever love you again. I'd be gone if I had a choice right now".

A walk-away-wife. A LOT of people have gone through this. Most women who are thread starters on this site are.

But i don't expect my one little vote for "mine didn't come back" to sway anyone. But I would propose 5 or so years of devotion to a topic that affected me greatly. A time commitment that would surely get me fired if my boss knew how much time I spent on it. My conclusion?

They don't come back.

I am truly hoping that this works out and she falls in love with me again. But I realize it's a long shot.
You have no idea.

Probably the best thing that happened to me is that I started doing my research before I realized what the problem was. A lot of things were close, but didn't quite make sense. Once it hit me (like a ton of bricks) that my wife hadn't loved me for the past 15 years or so, it all clicked together. One of those pieces that clicked into place was the "she's not coming back" piece.

I instantly went to rock bottom. You can only go up from there. You still have some descending to do. And it's going to be a long hard slog. You haven't even gone to your first "session" yet.

Let me guess: she hasn't read the books yet. And now that I think of it, she hasn't been the the marriage counselor yet.

Good luck to you. Start preparing.
 
#152 ·
I haven't been on here in a while because quite frankly my wife has been open and honest with me about her feelings for this other man and she has said repeatedly they never so much as hugged. He was filling an emotional need she didn't think I could give her after years of neglect. Once it was getting to the point of it potentially getting physical a few weeks ago he urged her to work on her marriage. When I left earlier in the week she of course contacted him first and he told her he wasn't getting any further involved and wouldn't be known around town as a homewrecker and to please stop contacting him. So naturally she was upset about that. She has not come full circle (not even close) but I did come home the following morning after I slept off my anger. She didn't speak to me for a few days but she told her boss about what was going on and he strongly encouraged her to go to counseling with me. So we start Tuesday. She says she still has no feelings for me in that way and she doesn't know if she ever will. But she's also taken back by the fact I helped her when she felt sick, and all the writing and things I have said. Repeatedly she's said if I had been like this all along we wouldn't be where we are. I keep saying I want to move forward and she's not ready. Right now she just wants to focus on our daughter. She still thinks what she did was innocent and harmless.... Hardly and I think that's going to be a big topic tuesday. Had that never happened I would still be a selfish ass but this never would have come up. I don't know if this is going to work out or not but the knowledge is either going to make our marriage much better from this point forward or it will make my next relationship better. That's all going to depend on her.

The medication seems to be working too. I haven't had a breakdown in days and I was able to work all week for the first time since this started. I finally have control of myself. I'm also down 17 pounds and feeling more physically fit than I've been since right after we met. I am truly hoping that this works out and she falls in love with me again. But I realize it's a long shot. Our daughter is handling all this surprisingly well but besides us being affectionate to one another around her not much has changed yet. Last night we were all out together and she kept trying to get us to hold hands and hug. Obviously she wants her parents to love one another.
 
#158 ·
Repeatedly she's said if I had been like this all along we wouldn't be where we are. I keep saying I want to move forward and she's not ready. Right now she just wants to focus on our daughter. She still thinks what she did was innocent and harmless.... Hardly and I think that's going to be a big topic tuesday. Had that never happened I would still be a selfish ass but this never would have come up.
Translation: it's 100% all your fault and you made me bring another man into our marriage!!!!

Not a good sign. Fix your issues but I would not wallow in limbo for long or let fear make me a doormat. Being weak and pathetic here will get you nothing.

Good luck
 
#153 ·
It takes two to make a marriage. If she won't pull her end you will be wasting your life here. IF the other man is anyway involved MC is a waste of money.

Keep your eyes wide open!!!!! Remember your first posts. There was no other man, right????

Can you believe what she's telling you now??? If this is gonna work there needs to be transparency. If there's nothing to hide she should be wide open.

You'll know soon enough.

Also be wary of therapists. They are not gods. I hope for your sake you get a good one.

If I were you I'd start working on myself and not worry about her. Prepare!!!!!
 
#157 ·
It takes two to make a marriage. If she won't pull her end you will be wasting your life here. IF the other man is anyway involved MC is a waste of money.

Keep your eyes wide open!!!!! Remember your first posts. There was no other man, right????

Can you believe what she's telling you now??? If this is gonna work there needs to be transparency. If there's nothing to hide she should be wide open.

You'll know soon enough.

Also be wary of therapists. They are not gods. I hope for your sake you get a good one.

If I were you I'd start working on myself and not worry about her. Prepare!!!!!
Absolutely true. Most tell what people want to hear to get them back to take their money.
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#154 ·
You would be better off filing for divorce. Glad you're doing better. The only chance you have is filing and shocking her into seeing what she is blind to. Otherwise, you're going to get a slow deterioration of your marriage and still lose her.

If you file and she is ok with it, your marriage was doomed anyway.
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#160 ·
My experience: once a woman changes their mind, it's changed.
It doesn't change back. It may be possible. Not likely.

An emotional affair is as damaging to the mindset of a woman as physical affair. Moreso, if the physical is only physical.

She has to make you the scapegoat because it doesn't add up in her mind that SHE could be at fault without arousing guilt. Cheaters don't like guilt.8
She has even convinced you. I am almost 100% sure that you weren't the neglected she says you were or she wouldn't be indecisive.
Make no mistake, if you don't toughen up and show that you can do without her, she will be gone
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#162 ·
I think "toughen up" may be the wrong word......I suggest you start building up your confidence and as you can acknowledge her feels of neglect, but in the same breath she needs to see a confident man you does diserve good things.

Lets face it...it takes two to phuck up a marriage so your old lady isn't as innocent in this failure and her going out side the marriage for emotional support is still a betrayal.....

She has to own her own shyt in all of this and she isn't.

So my point is what will prevent her from pulling the same crap with a different guy...a guy with a lot less morals?

I hope this marriage works out but she has to face her own bull shyt and some painful realities about her self. Other wise what has she learned, how will she affair proof her marriage in the future?
 
#163 ·
I'm hoping counseling will make her realize how wrong what she did is. Right now she keeps saying she just wants to be loved by someone she loves and she thought this guy was in love with her. It turns out he is not. So she's even more confused now. We both have a lot going on professionally right now and our house is on the market so stress levels for both of us were already insanely high before this came up. If she doesn't want to make it work by the time the house sells I'll likely call it quits. I don't want to buy another house with her and wind up going through a divorce shortly afterwards. She says if it comes to that she doesn't want anything from me. Just half of what we have and split custody of our daughter. Neither of us had anything before and honestly besides the house we don't have a heck of a lot now besides furniture and a few cars. I'm optimistic counseling will help her see that yes I was a fool all these years but it doesn't mean it has to stay that way and that she was a fool not communicating her feelings with me much sooner in our relationship. I think she has a lot of guilt about what she did and it just hasn't come out yet. I'm going to give her some time. But I'm not going to be a doormat. I want this to work but I'm prepared to move on if it doesn't in a reasonable amount of time.

I recently read his needs her needs for parents and our situation is pretty textbook. I wasn't there for her when she wanted me to be, and when I wanted her affection she would rarely give it to me. So we both neglected each other and resented one another. Then our daughter was born and she threw herself into that head on. I haven't had a whole lot of say about how she has been raised but she's a wonderful kid. And I'm OK with that. When my wife was dedicating her life to our daughter I turned to restoration projects. Which she always said she was supportive of but it took me away from my family a LOT. So they both got neglected. I began to realize this too late and my wife was already falling out of love with me, and this guy gave her attention and she ate it up. So it's really both of our faults. I just hope she sees it that way and we can move forward. If not I'm out
 
#169 ·
Yes she does. I tried to communicate to her yesterday just how wrong this was for her to do but she keeps saying it was nothing physical at all and she couldn't control her feelings... I have a feeling counseling will be a big eye opener for her. Last night we had a good talk though. She now also sees that we both really wanted the same thing all along but we were so upset with one another neither of us would listen and we turned our attention elsewhere. I'm ready to jump back in but she's not there. I hope she will be eventually but I'm not waiting forever.
 
#171 ·
Nope she hasn't read the books yet. Even though I flat out told her what happened to us was pretty textbook and typical. That obviously isn't going to change her feelings but it does make complete sense to me. She's still totally cold to me. But it's only been about 2 months since she made up her mind her love for me was gone. If she starts having feelings for me again great, it would make me incredibly happy. But if she doesn't sometime in the next 6-12 months I think my enthusiasm for rekindling our relationship will die and I will want out myself. She's seeing a loving, caring, emotional side of me now that she hasn't seen since we first met, and honestly not to this degree. So in a way i've done a 180 on her and she doesn't know what to make of it but it does upset her I wasn't more like this all along. And I honestly don't know why I wasn't. I felt neglected too and I turned my attention to my hobbies, which further neglected her and my daughter. Now she's shocked I want to be so involved with the two of them. She's actually said she would prefer it if I just kept to myself like I always did. But I can't. That's not who I want to be for her or anyone else that may come along if this doesn't work out.
 
#173 ·
Nope she hasn't read the books yet. Even though I flat out told her what happened to us was pretty textbook and typical.
You are correct. It IS textbook and typical. Just not in the textbooks you're reading. As a matter of fact, it's not in ANY textbooks. Just ask a bunch of people to give you a definition of a walk-away-wife. More than half will be flat out wrong and the other half will be all over the place.

Your wife knows EXACTLY what's going on. It's YOU that doesn't. And the book you need to read hasn't been written. It's too late anyhow. You needed to read it years ago.

I've lived this movie friend. And seen it played out HUNDREDS of times on these forums. And you? How many pages and NOTHING from your wife besides a RESOUNDING "I'm gone".

I know how this one ends. But keep the faith. You'll need it.
 
#172 ·
Have you exposed the affair yet?

You banking on counseling being 'eye opening' is wish casting. You're believing her crappy narrative that this just happened.

No, it didn't.

She went out and found the affair and is now downplaying it as some sort of tripping over a crack in a sidewalk.

You DO NOT combat this by changing you. You may have had some problems. We all do. She's the one that's broken and has chosen then path of finding someone else rather than work it out with you.

Your only concerns right now are protecting yourself and your children. You do this by:

- exposing her affair. This is THE ONLY WAY TO KILL THE AFFAIR.

- speak with a lawyer. You are doing this for no other reason than protecting yourself. A GOOD LAWYER IS THE PERSON YOU NEED TO BE TAKKING ADVICE FROM AT THIS POINT. COUNSELING IS RECOMMENDED BUT YOUR LAWYER NEEDS TO KEEP YOU SAFE FIRST. You have no idea what her boyfriend is whispering into her ear. Hell, he could have already brought her to a lawyer, you'll never know
 
#174 ·
Still "nice'ing" her back i see. Hun...she will NEVER EVER LOVE OR RESPECT YOU AGAIN TILL YOU ARE GONE!

MC is a waste with a remorseless spouse like yours. She does not even own that she did anything wrong. That is low... You still are a puppy dog around her hoping and wishing for her love to return.... Please read my earlier post! AGAIN.

You need to be done... show her the papers because you are rug sweeping big time by allowing and hoping and wishing her to get it. Take it from a rug sweeper!

Not to say your marriage is over and you will get to divorce but man, you need to show her the walking papers. In less than two weeks she will have realized who she is losing....a faithful man. I would almost bet money on it, but I'm sure TAM would not allow gambling.

You want to save the marriage? Right? this will do it. Get a lawyer, file papers. Give her a dose of life without you. Chances are VERY good that she will crawl back begging YOU to love her.
 
#176 ·
I agree with the first half of this, but the last half is probably inaccurate.

File for divorce. Sir, some have all seen this as said HUNDREDS of times. It's actually UNLIKELY that she will come back after having been given walking papers. She is LIKELY gone. GONE. GONE.

However, if you want ANY chance of a real reconciliation, it is THE ONLY HOPE that you have. I think in the state of mind you are in (which was the same as me and 99% of other people in your shoes were in) you have no hope of reconciling because your wife sees you crawling, sees a man with no strength, sees you as a whimp, and is actually repulsed by you attempting reconciliation after what she KNOWS she has done.

You WON'T listen, because it hurts so badly to give up the hope. The hope is not good in this case, brother. It's actually going to hinder your healing from this, and keep you in a state of mind where you let her have time to work out an exit strategy from your marriage. One that takes as much from you financially as possible.

I am advising you, just as most others, to divorce your cheating wife, and heal and find someone else. In the process, your wife may actually see the strength you have and decide she wasn't so correct about you after all. But every day you sit around pining for lost love, she is pushed FARTHER AWAY from you.
I firmly believe that anything short of kicking her out and handing her papers is the only thing that might possibly change her thought processes about you. They won't change ANY OTHER WAY than you showing her you are a man.

Your marriage is over. You've got to let it go. It hurts. It will hurt longer if you don't follow the advice you're given.
Your marriage and your wife aren't special. She is a dime a dozen.
Sorry, but this is what you need.
 
#175 ·
Also i have my money on her sabotaging any attempts at reconciling in hopes that when she goes back to the OM she can say she tried. He didn't want to ruin a marriage, well he isn't...SHE IS. and she knows it. She welcomes it so she can try to go to the OM....but he already does not want her. So let her go running to him. He won't take her after you have filed. It will be EXACTLY what she needs. TO BE DUMPED.
 
#178 ·
I'm about 70 percent sure this whole thing is going to wind up in divorce. It's not what I want but I'm prepared for that. I know if we split she's going straight to him. And I have a feeling it's not going to be a happy ending for her. If someone is single at our age there's a reason. Today we met with a social worker who has referred us to a marriage counselor. She doesn't know what she wants but she's still upset with me obviously and I want to work it out. She seems to think that I'll continue to stay with her and house and support both her and my daughter for another 10 years even if she doesn't love me. Rather delusional. I'll happily support my daughter, and her if she can fall in love with me again and remain faithful. But that's a long shot at this point.
 
#181 ·
Chance of niceing her back = 0%

Chance of her coming back when given papers and moving out within a month = 1%

Chance of her coming back when given papers and having to move out and get her own job and support herself = 5%

I pulled those numbers out of my rear and suspect I'm giving better odds on her returning.

Chances of her coming back wanting to reconcile after 2 years = 90% Chances of you caring = 0%.

It's just not going to happen that she wants another man and wants you, too. She has lost her love for you, and as logical and stupid as it IS and as it seems, it's very unlikely to return. I actually have never seen it return.

I wish I could convince you to accept that. You could get to "50,000 feet" as they say, and see what your wife really looks like and really is. She is still on the pedestal for you. You still are starving for her love. You'd do anything to get her back. As long as you have those feelings, she is totally in charge, drunk on the power, and wouldn't have you on a bet.

That sucks but is the truth.
 
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