gembob20

Hi all,

I am new to this and haven't discussed this with anyone.

I have been married to my husband (31) for 2.5 years now and we have been together for 8 years. Since we got married our relationship has been different. We are the best of friends and have no arguements, as a couple everyone loves us. We are very affectionate in a cuddly way all of the time. My husband is a fantastic husband who supports me in every way but about a year after we were married our sex life deteriorated significantly. It wasn't really that he was rejecting me but more that he just wasn't initiating sex anymore. At first I was upset, then angry, then as time went by we would have discussions about how we were fine with it and everyone is just like us. Soon I started to feel unattractive and unhappy in the relationship. I spoke to him about this and he advised it isn't something he does on purpose and he has always had a low sex drive and he doesn't think it is a problem to not have as much sex. There have been occasions were we have gone on holiday and tried to get the spark back but things return to normal once we come home. Another issue is that because I feel rejected by him I think I stopped letting myself feel for him which has now ended up with me feeing like I don't fancy him anymore and if on the very rare occasion that we do attempt sex I feel uncomfortable with his touch and can not stop thinking that he doesn't want to be there. It is so difficult as everything else in the relationship is perfect and some days I can convince myself that we are happy.
The reason I am now seeking help is that we are at the stage where the next step would be having a baby. We have used all sorts of tests to work out when I am ovulating so that it works out that we have sex only on that day. I am worried that if I have a child that baby will be my world and I can see that I would go on living a fairly comfortable life with more of an excellent housemate/best friend than a husband but part of me is questioning if I should get out now as I think I deserve more. I have started to fantasise about past relationships just to make myself feel like I was once wanted. Any advice would be much appreciated - I haven't told any friends or family as I a embarrassed that the fact my husband doesn't want me when everyone else thinks we are the perfect couple.

ku1980rose

My h and I have been married a little over a year. He is 36, I am almost 31. We have not had sex for almost a year (October). We've had sex 3 times since being married. I've initiated. I've talked to him about it. But, nothing ever changes. He even sleeps on the couch now and it doesn't matter what I say, he doesn't ever move back in. At this point, I have started to resent him for this.

Your situation sounds similar, but different because you do get along. My h and I don't. I think the sex has a lot to do with it. He is afraid to initiate. But, I don't think this came from me. I think this came from his past and his own insecurities. However, it has driven a huge wedge.

I understand wanting children. I do, too. And I see now that I probably won't have children with him. That is the reason I am choosing to leave now. If that is extremely important to you, and he doesn't feel the same, then I would suggest thinking about moving on. However, you could try counseling (marriage counseling, seeing a sex therapist, personal counseling) to see if you can make it better or get to the bottom of why he doesn't choose to have sex with you. Maybe he needs to see a doctor? Have you discussed any of these things with him?

I know how you feel about convincing yourself that you should stay and could stay because he is an excellent person to live with and a best friend. But, that's not all marriage is about, is it? My husband is a "nice guy", but sometimes being a "nice guy" isn't enough. Cleaning the house, sending me flowers, etc is GREAT and I definitely appreciate it! But the lack of intimacy, communication, anything that a h and wife should have is what has killed it for us.

I hope you and him can work this out. I know there are many success stories of couples who have a sexless marriage and end up working it out. I don't know if you have a sex therapist available where you live, but it might be a thing to check out. Good luck!

sigma1299

Do not have a child until your relationship with your H is resolved. A baby will not make it better. You need to address this part of your relationship and you need to be very honest with yourself. Can you live like this the rest of your life? Can your/will your husband make an honest effort to meet your needs? This is serious stuff and if you just repress your needs because your H and marriage are good in other ways those needs can and likely will come back to haunt you. If you're fantasizing about your old relationships there is a major problem and you need to address it. You MUST address it before you have child together. I understand that it can seem shallow to contemplate the end of a relationship over sex, but it is more than that. Reread your post. It is your self esteem, how you feel about yourself, how you connect to your husband - it is so much more than "just sex."

The simple truth of it is this. This is a big need for you and there's nothing wrong with that. It is a virtual certainty that you will get these needs fulfilled one way or the other, if you H won't, you will likely eventually get them met with someone else. I know you're thinking "no not me" well most of the cheaters on TAM thought the same thing - myself included. You can only fight your basic human wiring for so long. Address this in your marriage before you have a child. If you can work it out and get happy with your H - great. If you can't, well you'll have to decided if it's important enough to move on or not. A baby will not be the thing that fixes your marriage nor will a baby be the person that fulfills your needs that are currently not being met.