General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is my first post, so forgive me for being a little general. The more comfortable I get here, I will probably start to give more details. Basically, I want to know if it is normal for a spouse to not support their counterpart's dreams. I'm talking big dreams- like acting, or singing, or dancing, etc. I have had a big dream since I was a little girl. He's known of my love for it since we were dating. It is something that I used to do when I was high school aged, but kind of dropped it once I went to college and starting doing other things. I am now in my mid 20's and am getting the urge to try to do these things again. It has nothing to do with my marriage- I really do love my husband, and it's not like I want to escape my life. I just don't feel like my wanting to go for my dreams has anything to do with how I feel about my marriage. Apparently he does. It's been an issue for about a year now. We'll have talks about it when an opportunity comes up, then he'll apologize for not supporting me, then something else will come up again and he'll go back to pressuring me not to do it, or coming up with these "what if" scenes like "what if you get famous and leave, you won't be here."
I just realize now more than ever that there is so much that I want to do in life before I get too old to go for it. I want to go for it while I still can so I don't look back when I'm 60 and wish that I had taken the opportunities that were presented to me.
I'm not talking about risking my marriage, or my finances, or anything. I'm just talking about having a passion for an art and wanting to pursue it. Anything from auditioning for something to making connections that might help me later on.
Can someone tell me if it's normal for my husband to be so negative about my dreams? Am I wrong? I just didn't think when I got married that meant I was resigning myself to sitting at home dreaming about being a housewife. I am starting to feel very resentful of his "holding me down" and I don't know how to handle it. Any thoughts on this would be so appreciated!
What are these dreams? What type of enterntainer are you wanting to be? How do you expect them to impact your marriage? What support are you expecting from your husband in reaching your dreams? You went to college. What career did your college enbale you to do?
Would you need to be changing cities? Working odd hours? Not trying to talk you out of anything, just wondering how you think this would proceed? Where would you work?
I am a performer. I'm nervous to get into specifics...I guess because I'm new to writing in forums. Nothing dirty...in case anyone's mind went there, haha. I have a true passion for it and I've never let it get in the way of my marriage or anything. The only way I can think that it would impact my marriage would be that I wouldn't be here every single day. But I'm not talking about even traveling 25% of the time. I'm just talking about every once in awhile. Maybe a few times a year. As of right now, I'm here all the time, all day every day.
Honestly, I would be fine if his "support" just consisted of sitting back and not pitching a fit anytime I wanted to go to an audition. Or making me feel like I'm being disloyal by having a dream. I don't feel like I'm asking for much here. Am I?
It really depends on what your dream is. Perhaps he feels like it would have an impact on him and having a family. If it's a dream that entails you becoming famous - that may not be the life he wants.
Think of it from an outside perspective. How might achieving your dream impact your husband? It has to have some impact on him. Financially, emotionally, etc.?
Or do you feel he is just being jealous? Or insecure?
If what you are dreaming about is realistic and fits in with what kind of life your H wants to have, I do not see any real reason for him to disagree with your dream other than perhaps jealousy and insecurity. But if your dream is unrealistic, or would have an impact on him or his future and family - then I think it's quite normal for him not to support you.
Perhaps sitting down and getting more of an insight on WHAT about your dream makes your H feel uncomfortable would help. Then think it over, look at his points, and see if your dream is still a viable option, or if your relationship with your H is still what you want.
This is my first post, so forgive me for being a little general. The more comfortable I get here, I will probably start to give more details. Basically, I want to know if it is normal for a spouse to not support their counterpart's dreams. I'm talking big dreams- like acting, or singing, or dancing, etc. I have had a big dream since I was a little girl. He's known of my love for it since we were dating. It is something that I used to do when I was high school aged, but kind of dropped it once I went to college and starting doing other things. I am now in my mid 20's and am getting the urge to try to do these things again. It has nothing to do with my marriage- I really do love my husband, and it's not like I want to escape my life. I just don't feel like my wanting to go for my dreams has anything to do with how I feel about my marriage. Apparently he does. It's been an issue for about a year now. We'll have talks about it when an opportunity comes up, then he'll apologize for not supporting me, then something else will come up again and he'll go back to pressuring me not to do it, or coming up with these "what if" scenes like "what if you get famous and leave, you won't be here."
I just realize now more than ever that there is so much that I want to do in life before I get too old to go for it. I want to go for it while I still can so I don't look back when I'm 60 and wish that I had taken the opportunities that were presented to me.
I'm not talking about risking my marriage, or my finances, or anything. I'm just talking about having a passion for an art and wanting to pursue it. Anything from auditioning for something to making connections that might help me later on.
Can someone tell me if it's normal for my husband to be so negative about my dreams? Am I wrong? I just didn't think when I got married that meant I was resigning myself to sitting at home dreaming about being a housewife. I am starting to feel very resentful of his "holding me down" and I don't know how to handle it. Any thoughts on this would be so appreciated!
To vague. Your dream could be anything. From something reasonable and attainable, or it could be something you think is a good idea, but most normal people would see as foolish. Without more information we cant give you an answer.
From what you have given me, my answer is this.
It isn't my job to support all of my wife's dreams. Its my job to support her on those things that will make her a stronger, better person. Some dreams are foolish, some are very destructive to both the dreamer or sometimes to the family.
For instance, If my wife's dream was to become a police officer or a soldier, I would do my best to block it because statistically these professions are death to relationships. They also negatively affect the person doing these jobs. High rates of alcohol and spousal abuse, as well as negative psychological issues.
I am a performer. I'm nervous to get into specifics...I guess because I'm new to writing in forums. Nothing dirty...in case anyone's mind went there, haha. I have a true passion for it and I've never let it get in the way of my marriage or anything. The only way I can think that it would impact my marriage would be that I wouldn't be here every single day. But I'm not talking about even traveling 25% of the time. I'm just talking about every once in awhile. Maybe a few times a year. As of right now, I'm here all the time, all day every day.
Honestly, I would be fine if his "support" just consisted of sitting back and not pitching a fit anytime I wanted to go to an audition. Or making me feel like I'm being disloyal by having a dream. I don't feel like I'm asking for much here. Am I?
He is probably envisioning you as an entertainer that travels a lot, works in night clubs and such. Not judging but usually being passionate about something means you are all in for it. So he is probably thinking it will compete with the marriage. That said, I cannot read his mind from where I am sitting. You need to find out what are his specific concerns.
This is how you wish to make your living? Are you working now?
Anyway, you both need to sit down and explore your feelings around all of this. Your passion and his concerns. It will require some boundaries to be agreed to and honestly implemented or this will tear you guys apart. Hopefully you can work this out together.
I was not thinking you were doing anything seedy. Performing is a tough business.
Can I ask if it is sports related? i.e. like a Mavs dancer? Cowboy Cheerleader. Playing in an orchestra or being a ballerina is not something you just get back into. Sorry, trying to figure out what you may have been doing in high school that you would now want to pursue. I am probably way off base. If it is acting, or modeling or singing then they each have their own ways to proceed.
I think performing is a little different than just going to college for a new career.
I am working- I have a full time career- run my own business and I don't plan on giving that up to sing (okay there you have it). I just want to be able to sing in my spare time once in awhile. I want to audition for something- even if it's just local- and he doesn't like it. My problem is that usually the reason that he gives me comes down to him thinking I'm going to "eventually meet someone famous" and then leave him. I don't think that's fair because #1 it's WAY jumping the gun- and #2 I have never given him any reason to think that I would want anyone else but him. I've always been faithful, I handle the household "stuff" so he doesn't have to mess with it, I'm attentive to his wants and needs, he works late most evenings and I try to have dinner ready when he gets homes, I don't protest to him hanging out with his friends, I honestly feel like I'm a good wife and I show him how much I care in so many different ways.
Lydia, I think my real issue is that from what he's told me- it's all about him being jealous and insecure that I'm going to somehow meet someone better than him and drop him like that. Which kind of insults me.
I guess I didn't feel like I was picking one over the other when I got married. I'm not talking about something that is going to take over my life and my time, I'm talking about doing it part of the time. Not something that is going to be financially draining or demanding. Just so that I can feel like I'm taking my opportunities to use my talent while I still have the chances.
I also want to mention, I see people I haven't seen in awhile- sometimes older married couples even, and they ask, "Are you still singing?" When I say no, they always seem so surprised and tell me I really should get back into it. These aren't people in poor marriages, or young single people...so it makes me feel like I'm not wrong for wanting to still do it on the side.
I can understand your view, but as a guy who has dated a singer - you put a guy and gal both pouring their passion into a recreational activity, sharing their passion with each other in a way that they can't with their SOs (because they are not singers), while away from their SOs...
This is just the typical "kiss of death" type of thing that leads to the end of a marriage. Just one of the things you stated leads me to believe you are restless and though you don't think you are looking for a way out, you really are. "I just realize now more than ever that there is so much that I want to do in life before I get too old to go for it. I want to go for it while I still can so I don't look back when I'm 60 and wish that I had taken the opportunities that were presented to me." Yeah, well...you didn't choose that. You got married. Your husband expected one thing, a certain life that you two would have together and now you're displaying the typical signs of being bored with your marriage and unhappy with the choices you made. It makes your spouse feel like you are disappointed with the marriage...yes. It isn't exciting enough to keep your interest. He's holding you back now because he's being honest that this isn't what he wanted when he got married, and he has reservations about what it'll eventually end up doing to the marriage being that your interests seem to be changing.
Yeah...I know this well. I'm going through this...from your husband's perspective though. He has all these big plans and interests that weren't even spoken of when we were dating and in the beginning of our marriage. From what I knew, he wanted to have kids and a family...now all of a sudden I'm holding him back because 1. I haven't the same interests as him and so I'm not willing to drop everything I'm doing to help him achieve success in his interests and 2. I'm not willing to spend thousands of dollars on it when we have a house that is falling apart.
And his mind has wandered away from his family. I tried to ask him twice earlier today if he wanted to go see the new Lion King 3D with our son this weekend and the first time I was shushed, and the second time I got no answer at all.
So in essence, we see your minds wandering away from the family we thought you were interested in being a part of, you are looking at us like we are now the metaphorical "Ball and Chains", and now you want to go be a part of something totally different and non-conducive to married life. We see it as boredom with your life...and we are your life at the moment, so you are bored with us.
I don't know how to fix this...that is why I am on here searching for an answer.
Are you trying to convince your husband or yourself that it has nothing to do with your marriage?
WHOA! I don't think that her desire to re-kindle her interest in singing (which her H knew she did in the past) is to ANY magnitude of which you describe.
Granted the OP and her H need to discuss this and work out a solution that works best for them.
I do believe, that once in a blue moon to go perform, and partaking in an interest dear to her is a valid request and a workable solution can be arranged. I'm sure she would be tickled and excited to see him in the crowd while she was performing! She specifically said this wasn't a career move on her part.
I can understand posters speak from experience and I get a sense that there is alot of insecurities from spouses when another wants to pursue a hobby or activity... especially when there are other people involved... and moreso when the OS may be in the picture.
I think she should have every opportunity to go perform and enjoy this activity.. and hopefully with open, honest communication in love with her H, they can come to a deeper understanding of herself, him and the marriage.
I can fully understand as well... the youthful exuberance of newlyweds... how the lovey dovey... "everything for you" surrender of their lives... however that is not fair to the marriage... a man or woman cannot solely exist on their spouse... of course it leads to boredom.. and potentially resentment in the future.
Enjoy your individuality.. your uniqueness... and the best part is sharing it with whom you love most dear! And even if the spouse doesn't really get into it as much as you, they certainly can respect you for your confidence, courage and vibrancy to be a well rounded whole person... and they are blessed to be a part of it!
Does your H let you have other hobbies other than singing?
If he does - then do you know what exactly it is that he has about you singing?
Is he clearly aware that you are wanting to do this on the SIDE as a hobby and not a career (his comment about you being famous makes me think not)?
Does he know that you don't plan to spend an excessive amount of time to do this, that you simply want to have fun with it and just do it a "few times a year" as you stated?
It sounds like he either doesn't, or when you tell him these things, he doesn't listen or believe you.
I would sit him down and find out exactly what his fears are, and come at it civilly. Not after a heated discussion about it. Just bring it up while you are out to dinner, or something so that it doesn't escalate. Just ask him why he has a problem with it, and then see if there is anything you can both do to insure that those problems will not occur or get in the way of your marriage.
I think you can sing in the shower. You can sing in the choir. You can sing around the house. If you are good, you can sing at weddings and make a little side money. Etc. There are tons of ways singing can be fun, and be a small hobby off to the side. There are tons of ways you can include a spouse even if he/she is off key.
Then there are shows. Which require an audition like the OP mentioned.... My ex-gf back a while back said, "Would you mind if I tried out for one local show? I used to sing in high school and I miss it." Trying to be supportive, I said go for it.
Little did I know that it meant 2 nights of auditions, 5 months of rehearsals which start at 8-10 hours per week but as the show nears, practices exceed midnight many nights and extra nights are added. The shows last a week. Performers changing in front of each other quickly between scenes. And then the celebrations and "stay in touch" stuff that happens when the show is over. And SOs are not encouraged to attend most of this stuff.
That was "one show" in her eyes. She fell in love with the co-lead, we broke up, the guy dumped her a week later, and then she wants to get back together with me. No thanks - never again.
Granted I'm pretty bitter but I am much more educated now as to just how much "one show" entails.
Supporting spouse's dreams? 
