The Abuse Thread - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
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The Abuse Thread

This thread for all abuse issues. What it is and what it is not. How to deal with it and how to not deal with it. Articles are welcome as well as personal experiences, success stories, and current struggles. If another thread is being jacked, if it is ok with the mods, they can pick up the conversation here and allow others to chime in and vet ideas. Encourage thread jacks to move to here when hashing this issue. I think everyone being educated on abuse is a good thing.

I'll post the articles on the cycles of abuse and a few others shortly.


The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #2 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Cycles of Abuse:

The cycle usually goes in the following order, and will repeat until the conflict is stopped, usually by the survivor entirely abandoning the relationship or some form of intervention. The cycle can occur hundreds of times in an abusive relationship, the total cycle taking anywhere from a few hours, to a year or more to complete. However, the length of the cycle usually diminishes over time so that the "reconciliation" and "calm" stages may disappear,[citation needed] violence becomes more intense and the cycles become more frequent.

1: Tension building

Stress builds from the pressures of daily life, like conflict over children, marital issues, misunderstandings, or other family conflicts. It also builds as the result of illness, legal or financial problems, unemployment, or catastrophic events, like floods, rape or war. During this period, the abuser feels ignored, threatened, annoyed or wronged. The feeling lasts on average several minutes to hours, it may last as much as several months.

To prevent violence, the victim may try to reduce the tension by becoming compliant and nurturing. Or, to get the abuse over with, prepare for the violence or lessen the degree of injury, the victim may provoke the batterer. "However, at no time is the batterer justified in engaging in violent or abusive behavior," said Scott Allen Johnson, author of Physical Abusers and Sexual Offenders.

2: Flash Point

Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents which may be preceded by verbal abuse and include psychological abuse. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner (survivor) with the use of domestic violence.

In intimate partner violence, children are negatively affected by having witnessed the violence and the partner's relationship degrades as well. The release of energy reduces the tension, and the abuser may feel or express that the victim "had it coming" to them.

3: Reconciliation/honeymoon

The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible.

Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in the relationship.

4: Calm

During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. During this period the abuser may agree to engage in counseling, ask for forgiveness, and create a normal atmosphere. In intimate partner relationships, the perpetrator may buy presents or the couple may engage in passionate sex. Over time, the batterer's apologies and requests for forgiveness become less sincere and are generally stated to prevent separation or intervention. However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase. The effect of the continual cycle may include loss of love, contempt, distress, and/or physical disability. Intimate partners may separate, divorce or, at the extreme, someone may be killed.

Source: Wikipedia/Cycles of Abuse

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #3 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 02:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

@always_alone @marduk

so, do you rehab the dog or get rid of it

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #4 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
@always_alone @marduk

so, do you rehab the dog or get rid of it
It depends. But whatever you do, don't kick it again.
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post #5 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: The Abuse Thread

So glad I'm not in this cycle anymore. It took so many years to fully realize that I didn't need to continue my part of the cycle, the placating, the defensive walls, etc. Hurts to see loved ones still trapped in it.

Never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present.
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post #6 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 02:50 PM
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
@always_alone @marduk

so, do you rehab the dog or get rid of it
As A_A says, it depends. Does the person want to change, or does it even recognize that there's a problem?

The specific dynamic where an abused woman that enters a different relationship and abuses her husband is an interesting one, however. I've been there.

And what is very fascinating, and difficult is the level of cognitive dissonance -- or perhaps compartmentalization that happens.

Because what that woman may find is acceptable to do may look to many like abuse, and what that woman finds acceptable to have done to her may have very little tolerance.

In other words, I get to hit/yell/insult you, but it cannot go the other way around. And because of willful blindness, it gets ignored by the person doing the hitting/yelling/insulting, because it places them in a privileged position.

It gets even more fascinating when the one receiving the hitting/yelling/insulting declares it to be good. Which is what part of me wanted to do when it happened -- label it cathartic.

Last edited by marduk; 02-19-2016 at 03:00 PM.
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post #7 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body.

Sometimes abusive behavior does not cause pain or even leave a bruise, but it’s still unhealthy. Examples of physical abuse are:


•Scratching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.
•Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.
•Pulling your hair.
•Pushing or pulling you.
•Grabbing your clothing.
•Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace or other weapon.
•Smacking your bottom.
•Forcing you to have sex or perform a sexual act.
•Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
•Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you to go somewhere.

Escaping Physical Abuse

Start by learning that you are not alone. More than one in 10 high school students have already experienced some form of physical aggression from a dating partner, and many of these teens did not know what to do when it happened. If you are in a similar situation:

•Realize this behavior is wrong.
•Talk to an adult, friend or family member that you trust.
•Create a safety plan.
•Consider getting a restraining order.
•Do not accept or make excuses for your partner’s abusive behavior.
•Remember that physical abuse is never your fault.

Protecting Yourself from Physical Abuse

Unhealthy or abusive relationships usually get worse. It is important to know the warning signs to prevent more serious harm. If you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, consider making a safety plan. Chat with a peer advocate for more information.

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this...buse/#tab-id-1

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #8 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation or stalking.

There are many behaviors that qualify as emotional or verbal abuse:

•Calling you names and putting you down.
•Yelling and screaming at you.
•Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
•Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family.
•Telling you what to do and wear.
•Using online communities or cell phones to control, intimidate or humiliate you.
•Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior.
•Stalking you.
•Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them.
•Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about.
•Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.
•Threatening to expose your secrets such as your sexual orientation or immigration status.
•Starting rumors about you.
•Threatening to have your children taken away.

Is Emotional Abuse Really Abuse?

A relationship can be unhealthy or abusive even without physical violence. Verbal abuse may not cause physical damage, but it does cause emotional pain and scarring. It can also lead to physical violence if the relationship continues on the unhealthy path its on. Learn more about how to recognize emotional abuse by checking out our Power and Control Wheel.

Sometimes verbal abuse is so bad that you actually start believing what your partner says. You begin to think you’re stupid, ugly or fat. You agree that nobody else would ever want to be in a relationship with you. Constantly being criticized and told you aren’t good enough causes you to lose confidence and lowers your self esteem. As a result, you may start to blame yourself for your partner’s abusive behavior.

Remember — emotional abuse is never your fault. In fact, your partner may just be trying to control or manipulate you into staying in the relationship. Talk to someone you trust, like a parent, friend or teacher, about the situation and make a safety plan. You can also chat with a peer advocate for more help when dealing with verbal abuse.

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this...buse/#tab-id-2

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #9 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:11 PM
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Re: The Abuse Thread

@jld I hope you take a cold hard look at BL's last post.
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post #10 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Sexual abuse refers to any action that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including oral sex, rape or restricting access to birth control and condoms.

It is important to know that just because the victim “didn’t say no,” doesn’t mean that they meant “yes.” When someone does not resist an unwanted sexual advance, it doesn’t mean that they consented. Sometimes physically resisting can put a victim at a bigger risk for further physical or sexual abuse.

Some think that if the victim didn’t resist, that it doesn’t count as abuse. That’s not true. It’s still is. This myth is hurtful because it makes it more difficult for the victim to speak out and more likely that they will blame themselves. Whether they were intoxicated or felt pressured, intimidated or obligated to act a certain way, it’s never the victim’s fault.

Some examples of sexual assault and abuse are:
•Unwanted kissing or touching.
•Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
•Rape or attempted rape.
•Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control.
•Keeping someone from protecting themselves from sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
•Sexual contact with someone who is very drunk, drugged, unconscious or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed “yes” or “no.”
•Threatening someone into unwanted sexual activity.
•Pressuring or forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts.
•Using sexual insults toward someone.

Keep in Mind
•Everyone has the right to decide what they do or don’t want to do sexually. Not all sexual assaults are violent “attacks.”
•Most victims of sexual assault know the assailant.
•Both men and women can be victims of sexual abuse.
•Both men and women can be perpetrators of sexual abuse.
•Sexual abuse can occur in same-sex and opposite-sex relationships.
•Sexual abuse can occur between two people who have been sexual with each other before, including people who are married or dating.
•Sexual activity in a relationship should be fun! Get our tips for navigating sex and healthy relationships.

What to Do

If you have been sexually assaulted, first get to a safe place away from the attacker. You may be scared, angry and confused, but remember the abuse was in no way your fault. You have options. You can:
•Contact Someone You Trust. Many people feel fear, guilt, anger, shame and/or shock after they have been sexually assaulted. Having someone there to support you as you deal with these emotions can make a big difference. It may be helpful to speak with a counselor, someone at a sexual assault hotline or a support group. Get more tips for building a support system.
•Report What Happened to the Police. If you do decide to report what happened, you will have a stronger case if you do not alter or destroy any evidence. This means don’t shower, wash your hair or body, comb your hair or change your clothes, even if that is hard to do. If you are nervous about going to the police station, it may help to bring a friend with you. There may also be sexual assault advocates in your area who can assist you and answer your questions.
•Go to an Emergency Room or Health Clinic. It is very important for you to seek health care as soon as you can after being assaulted. You will be treated for any injuries and offered medications to help prevent pregnancy and STIs.

Types of Abuse ? www.loveisrespect.org


The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #11 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Financial abuse can be very subtle — telling you what you can and cannot buy or requiring you to share control of your bank accounts. At no point does someone you are dating have the right to use money or how you spend it to control you.

Here are some examples of financially abusive behavior:

•Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy.
•Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it.
•Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.
•Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do.
•Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys.
•Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job.
•Hiding or stealing your student financial aid check or outside financial support.
•Using your social security number to obtain credit without your permission.
•Using your child’s social security number to claim an income tax refund without your permission.
•Maxing out your credit cards without your permission.
•Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing.
•Using funds from your children’s tuition or a joint savings account without your knowledge.
•Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same.
•Giving you presents and/or paying for things like dinner and expecting you to somehow return the favor.
•Using their money to hold power over you because they know you are not in the same financial situation as they are.

I’m Experiencing Financial Abuse


If your partner does any of these things, you are probably in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Financial abuse is usually coupled with emotional or physical abuse.

If you are not in control over your finances, or if your partner has removed money from your bank account, it can seem very scary to leave an abusive relationship. There are many organizations who can help you “get back on your feet” and get control over your finances — some even provide short-term loans to cover important expenses as you escape an abusive relationship. Chat with a peer advocate to learn more about local resources.

You may also want to talk to someone you trust, like a friend, family member or legal professional, about getting a protection order. Whether you decide to leave or stay, consider making a safety plan that includes setting aside funds in a secret location.

Types of Abuse ? www.loveisrespect.org

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #12 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Emotional Abuse from www.outofthefog.net



Definition:

Emotional Abuse - Any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG).

The Bruise that Doesn’t Show

Many people who are victims of abuse live in homes or environments where they have become so accustomed to the situation they consider it normal. They do not recognize it even IS abuse sometimes, because there is no physical injury; instead an ongoing emotional barrage takes place which can be just as damaging.

Examples of Emotional Abuse

•Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual's relationships with others.
•Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.
•Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing - This kind of speech is a passive-aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of reasonableness or friendliness.
•Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
•Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.
•Bunny Boiling - Bunny Boiling is a reference to an iconic scene in the movie "Fatal Attraction" in which the main character Alex, who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, kills the family's pet rabbit and boils it on the stove. Bunny Boiling has become a popular reference to how people sometimes exhibit their rage by behaving destructively towards symbolic, important or treasured possessions or representations of those whom they wish to hurt, control or intimidate.
•Cheating - Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.
•Compulsive Lying - Compulsive Lying is a term used to describe lying frequently out of habit, without much regard for the consequences to others and without having an obvious motive to lie. A compulsive liar is someone who habitually lies.
•Cruelty to Animals - Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.
•Dependency - An inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.
•Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.
•Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship.
•False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.
•Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.
•FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt - The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in Emotional Blackmail and describes feelings that a person often has when in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. Our website, Out of the FOG, is named after this acronym.
•Frivolous Litigation - The use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt, harass or gain an economic advantage over an individual or organization.
•Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.
•Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.
•Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.
•Hysteria - An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.
•Imposed Isolation - When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family.
•Infantilization - Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.
•Intimidation - Any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.
•Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.
•Mirroring - Imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.
•Name-Calling - Use of profane, derogatory or dehumanizing terminology to describe another individual or group.
•No-Win Scenarios - When you are manipulated into choosing between two bad options
•Objectification - The practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.
•Pathological Lying - Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.
•Perfectionism - The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization, order, or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in other areas of living.
•Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
•Proxy Recruitment - A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing “doing the dirty work”
•Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.
•Ranking and Comparing - Drawing unnecessary and inappropriate comparisons between individuals or groups.
•Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.
•Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.
•Scapegoating - Singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.
•Self-Harm - Any form of deliberate, premeditated injury, such as cutting, poisoning or overdosing, inflicted on oneself.
•Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that youdid something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.
•Silent Treatment - A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.
•Sleep Deprivation - The practice of routinely interrupting, impeding or restricting another person's sleep cycle.
•Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely "good" or completely "bad".
•Stalking - Any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.
•Targeted Humor, Mocking and Sarcasm - Any sustained pattern of joking, sarcasm or mockery which is designed to reduce another individual’s reputation in their own eyes or in the eyes of others.
•Testing - Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship.
•Thought Policing - Any process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another person's thoughts or feelings.
•Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.

What it Looks Like:

- by Gary

Unlike a physical injury which usually heals in a short time, verbal and emotional abuse is usually cumulative.

When you are a victim of physical abuse at the hands of someone you love or someone who is supposed to love you, then you also become a victim of emotional abuse, even if no words are spoken.

Unlike physical wounds, that heal naturally leaving only a scar, verbal and emotional wounds, left untreated, tend not to heal. These wounds are often hidden out of sight and become a part of who we are and how we act.

Unlike physical wounds, which hurt us on the outside, verbal and emotional wounds go to the deepest parts of us. Any physical wound going so deep would be fatal, and left untreated long enough, prolonged verbal or emotional abuse can also be fatal.

Emotional abuse can happen without verbal abuse but verbal abuse naturally has emotional abuse attached to it.

I also believe that there has never been a member of this community here at Out of the FOG that hasn't at one time been exposed to some form of verbal or emotional abuse, regardless of what personality disorder or relationship they have dealt with. That seems to be universal to being a "Non-PD".

The injury which comes from verbal and emotional abuse is probably one of the most serious conditions we are left with and is probably connected to all the other effects we experience. In other words, emotional and verbal abuse is responsible for the rest of the iceberg.

The only vaccine I know of that protects against verbal and emotional abuse is a good sense of self and the only medicine that heals the wounds left by verbal and emotional abuse is again a good sense of self. That good sense of self comes from self-work, good boundaries and good therapy & support .

Children who are victims of verbal and emotional abuse are most vulnerable since they can't just walk away. This puts a great responsibility on any non-abusing parent present to protect or remove the child from the abuser. If they don't, another link in the chain may be welded together and the cycle may repeat, with those children ultimately watching their own children go through the same abuse.

I also believe that if a child grows up in an environment of sustained abuse that they will begin to expect it to be normal and justified.

Examples of Verbal and Emotional Abuse

- By Aames

WHAT THEY DO:
•Ridicule or insult you then tell you it's a joke, or that you have no sense of humor.
•Put down your beliefs, religion, race, heritage - or that of your family / friends.
•Withhold approval, appreciation or affection.
•Give you the silent treatment.
•Ignore direct questions...Walk away without answering.
•Criticize you, call you names, yell at you.
•Humiliate you privately or in public.
•Roll his or her eyes ... or mimic you when you talk.
•Disrespect or insult you, then tell you that you're too sensitive.
•Seem energized by arguing, while arguing exhausts you.
•Have unpredictable mood swings, alternating between good and bad for no apparent reason.
•"Twist" your words, somehow turning whatever you say against you.
•Complain about how badly you treat him or her.
•Threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out.
•Say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad.
•Compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure.
•Harass you about imagined affairs.
•Manipulate you with lies and contradictions.
•Act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors.
•Question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence.
•Constantly interrupt you while you're trying to make your point.
•Make you feel like you can never win : damned if you do, damned if you don't.
•Incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are the one with the "problem" - not them.
•Try to convince you that they are "right," while you are "wrong".
•Frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding.

What it feels like

- By Aames

Abuse can have a confusing. hurtful. frightening effect which makes you feel emotionally unsafe. You may begin to doubt yourself, your senses, your opinions, memories, beliefs, feelings, abilities and judgment. You may begin to express your opinions less and less freely and find yourself doubting your sense of reality. You are likely to feel vulnerable, insecure, increasingly trapped and powerless. This may lead you to become defensive and increasingly depressed.

Abuse victims often find themselves "walking on eggshells" around the abuser, hyper vigilant and afraid of when - and how - to say something.

You may find yourself constantly on your "best" behavior around an abuser, unable to relax or enjoy the moment because you are always anticipating the worst. Even when the abuser is in a good mood, you are likely to keep waiting for "the other shoe to drop".

You may also begin to blame yourself for their bad mood, behaviors or actions and hope things will change, especially through your own love and understanding.

People who are abused often long for the nicer, caring side of their partner, family member, friend, boss or co-worker to come back. You may find yourself making excuses for their bad behavior and choosing to focus mainly on getting them back into their good behavior state.

Coping with Emotional Abuse

You have two basic options – remain present during an episode of abuse, or leave.

In the short run they are about equal in pain, but in the long run, leaving during an outburst is better. For one thing, leaving makes it harder for you to do something stupid yourself (such as retaliate). It also makes it impossible for anything worse to happen directly to you after you leave. Leaving during an outburst sends a clear “This is not OK” message. It won’t be appreciated, but it will not be forgotten quickly either.

Leaving also helps remind you that YOU are in control - not the person with the Personality Disorder - and it gives you an opportunity to debrief to a supportive friend.

It’s a good idea to have a plan of what you will do and where you will go the next time an outburst hits. This will make a gracious exit more possible the next time you are confronted with verbal or emotional abuse. It helps enormously to have a friend or family member you can pre-arrange with to show up at a moment’s notice whenever necessary. If not, maybe you can find a local low-cost hotel where you can get a safe room for the night.

You may want to have a ‘bail out’ kit which has your credit cards, essential medications and important documents already packed so you don’t need to linger when you need to get out in a hurry.

If at all possible, pre-arrange with a friend whom you can call (even during the night) just to talk to if you find yourself in a situation like this. Just having someone on the end of the line who won’t attack or judge you harshly for the way you feel is an enormous relief. You can also call a Domestic Violence hotline or crisis line for support and for a reality check. As the adage says: You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.

What NOT to do

•Don’t remain in the same room with a person who is abusing you. Remove yourself from the situation as quickly as you safely can.
•Don’t try to handle it all on your own. Call for supportive help and call the police if any threats or violence occur.
•Don’t try to reason with someone who is abusing you. When you are confronted with aggressive behavior there can be a temptation to stand your ground, explain your position and argue for what you feel is right. A person who is trying to hurt you emotionally or verbally is unlikely to see reason.
•Don’t fight fire with fire and reciprocate. You will regret it and probably find yourself still apologizing for it years later.
•Don’t ignore it, steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it does not affect you. Unless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and your behavior is going to change far beyond the moment, whether you admit it or not. The reality is that when your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt. Ignoring it increases the likelihood that the situation will repeat itself.
•Don’t hide it from others. Most long-term cases of abuse stay that way because the victim stays silent.

What TO do

•Remember you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it.
•Get yourself and any children out of the room and out of the house as quickly and safely as you can.
•If violence or threats of violence have occurred, call the police immediately.
•Stay away from the situation until the abuse stops and you feel calmer and safe.
•Call at least one trusted confidant and tell them what has happened.

Emotional Abuse ? Out of the FOG

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #13 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:28 PM
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Re: The Abuse Thread

These are fantastic Blossom, could I make a recommendation and have a post in regards of abuse towards men, most find it hard to identify let alone defend.

Thank you.

" Now Fasten those seatbelts and hold onto your valuables, it is going to be a bumpy ride"
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post #14 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

10 Steps to De-Escalate a Conflict

By Linda Gryczan, Certified Mediator

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. Chinese proverb

We humans have been programmed for centuries for fight or flight. While that might have saved our ancestors from the wooly mammoth, it is overkill in discussions with family, friends or neighbors. So it happened again. What started out as a reasonable discussion, turned into a shouting match.

One way to change gears is to say something like, "I want to talk with you, but not like this." You might add, "Why don’t we take a break and meet again later?"

Here are some thoughts on how to return to a more productive conversation.

•If you use the break time to hone your arguments, create scathing comebacks, rehash your point of view with your best friend, or further convince yourself you are right, you will end up exactly where you left off. Instead, use the time for some self-reflection.
•De-escalate yourself. Have you allowed the other person to push your buttons? Do you like how you responded? What would you like to say and do differently? What do you need? Have you made your request clear and in a way the other can hear?
•Decide if the argument is about the subject at hand. What are the feelings behind the words? Recognize that we rarely change our minds as the result of clever arguments. More often, being accepted and understood as we are, frees up brain space, and allows the emotional flexibility to consider other options.
•Listen. Have you been listening to the same argument over and over again? Most likely the other person hasn’t felt heard. Acknowledging what someone says doesn’t mean that you agree, just that you understand. A good opener is something like, “It sounds like you want __, have I heard you correctly?”
•Watch your language. Making judgments, accusations and speaking in absolutes, is a sure fire way to get an argument going. Flexible language that can end a diatribe and open a discussion include, what if, could we try, would you be willing to, I wonder, I think, sometimes, it seems like, maybe.1
•Understand. Appreciate the feelings and position of the other. Withhold judgment. Allow others to have their feelings, whether they make sense to you or not.
•Take a close look at your intention for this conversation. Are you trying to prove the other person wrong? Assuming your intention is honorable, what is the best way to convey it to the other person?
•Be respectful and expect respect. Disrespectful or abusive language is never acceptable. If you fear violence, get out now.
•Let your voice and body language express an attitude of curiosity. Uncross your legs and arms. Relax. Remember wooly mammoths are extinct. It is safe to put your spear down. Think about what you like or admire about the other person.
•Turn complaints into clear requests for what you would like the other person to say or do. For example, turn "I hate it that you always leave the car on empty," to "You are welcome to use the car. Will you agree to return it with a full tank?"

Improving communication helps us understand and be understood. It gets us more of what we want, with fewer hard feelings and less drama. It improves relationships and makes them stronger. If you have trouble doing this on your own, get some help. A religious leader, family member, therapist or mediator can help keep you on track.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #15 of 145 (permalink) Old 02-19-2016, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Abuse Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by IIJokerII View Post
These are fantastic Blossom, could I make a recommendation and have a post in regards of abuse towards men, most find it hard to identify let alone defend.

Thank you.
Coming right up

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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