My husband thinks I don't trust him. He doesn't want to talk to me.
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Old 09-20-2011, 08:56 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My husband thinks I don't trust him. He doesn't want to talk to me.

Why does he think I don't trust him? Because I was listening at the door when he was on the phone. I get that. Why was I listening at the door? Because I always wanna know what he's talking about and hounding him with "Who was that???What were you talking about???" every time he gets off the phone seems like it would cause trouble. I don't do it a lot. Usually it IS when I'm having trust issues, but this time I was wanting to see if he was talking to his son's mother. (Backstory: he has a 1 yr old son with his ex, this happened while we were separated and SURE of divorce, but obviously we didn't get a divorce.) I wanted to see what they were talking about because they just recently, like this past weekend, started being civil with each other. Which I thought was great til I started thinking about it. I DO NOT think he would cheat with her, that's not the stuff I was listening for. I wanted to see if they were TOO friendly where he would actually call her a friend or call her to tell her something funny he heard or help her with her relationship problems or ASK HER for help with our. THAT would be bad, I think. And I don't think he thinks it would be a big deal to be that close with her as friends. So I was listening and he was talking to a guy friend. No prob. Then he told the friend I'll call you back later. So I kept listening to see what he would do. He called her. Told her some funny story. Then sat on the phone for like 10-15 minutes, occasionally saying, "how come you're not talking" "what's wrong". Then after more silence I THOUGHT I heard a kiss? just one. kinda odd. so I walked in the room and he hung up immediately without saying goodbye. And he had porn on the computer screen (we have an agreement about porn, THAT isnt the issue right now) but the fact that it was there while he was on the phone with her and hung up quickly saying his phone froze. He said she called him. Maybe earlier but not that time. He said he had just brought up the screen because they were getting off the phone anyway. Like I said there was no ok talk to you later bye. I asked him did he just kiss "nameless" over the phone. He got mad asking what are you talking about and of course I told him what I had heard and he just got pissed about me not trusting him and told me to leave the room.....I know I shouldn't have been eavesdropping. I know if all this was an innocent mistake then I messed up real bad. So assuming is was innocent, what should I do? I keep trying to talk about it because I'm the type who wants to talk about issues to solve them. Not ignore it til we've forgotten about it. I told him the real issue behind my eavesdropping is that I'm having a hard time dealing with the friendship that they have, not to mention the face that she has his only son. Something we tried our whole marriage to accomplish, only to get 3 girls. He said that's MY problem. But I need him to help me learn how to deal with it. And he won't.
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks I don't trust him. He doesn't want to talk to me.

Yes you listened in, which you probably shouldn't have done, but at the same time, he sounds like he was engaged in inappropriate convo with her. If he's not calling about the baby, or talking to her about the baby, they shouldn't be talking IMO.

And the porn on the screen is just stupid on his part. Plain stupid. He got mad because he's wrong and he knows it.
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Old 09-20-2011, 10:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks I don't trust him. He doesn't want to talk to me.

That's what part of me wants to think. Part of me also wants it to be a misunderstanding. He denies the kiss sound and it's hard for me to prove that I heard it. It was just the one little sound and really no talking at all. But he should know that SHE is a sensitive subject and anything dealing with her should be handled delicately. Of course I have a problem with the porn. I have a problem with a lot of stuff that he does, but some things you have to take. He wants a LOT from me sexually and I am way too tired to do all that. So the porn is like his "second time for the day" because I can't do it twice. But SHE is the reason for our separation. She and the conversations that they had. And him lying about talking to her. Then SHE is the one he decided to date while we were separated. And SHE got pregnant and now SHE is part of our lives forever. His past feelings for her have always haunted me. Right after she had the baby and she was acting all crazy and he kept saying "I'm so glad I'm not with her" I was thinking "I bet". Now she's being nice so she's not the crazy person anymore. Now she's supposed to be our "friend." I just wanna talk. How to you get a man to understand that COMMUNICATION is THE MOST important thing in a marriage??? This ignoring crap is old.
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Old 09-20-2011, 10:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks I don't trust him. He doesn't want to talk to me.

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Originally Posted by LOVEYOU View Post
That's what part of me wants to think. Part of me also wants it to be a misunderstanding. He denies the kiss sound and it's hard for me to prove that I heard it. It was just the one little sound and really no talking at all. But he should know that SHE is a sensitive subject and anything dealing with her should be handled delicately. Of course I have a problem with the porn. I have a problem with a lot of stuff that he does, but some things you have to take. He wants a LOT from me sexually and I am way too tired to do all that. So the porn is like his "second time for the day" because I can't do it twice. But SHE is the reason for our separation. She and the conversations that they had. And him lying about talking to her. Then SHE is the one he decided to date while we were separated. And SHE got pregnant and now SHE is part of our lives forever. His past feelings for her have always haunted me. Right after she had the baby and she was acting all crazy and he kept saying "I'm so glad I'm not with her" I was thinking "I bet". Now she's being nice so she's not the crazy person anymore. Now she's supposed to be our "friend." I just wanna talk. How to you get a man to understand that COMMUNICATION is THE MOST important thing in a marriage??? This ignoring crap is old.
He's not going to talk about her, she's a sensitive subject and with good reason.

You are a good one for taking him back under the circumstances. A 'friend' she is not, no matter how he wants to paint the picture. IMO they're not done yet... he's with you, but he's still hung up on her.
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Old 09-20-2011, 11:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks I don't trust him. He doesn't want to talk to me.

My main concern is, why would he be having conversations with her behind closed doors? The reason, because he is hiding something, which is another reason why he gets angry with you when discussing her. But my advice to you is to post this on the coping with infidelity section of TAM. Not necessarily because I feel he is cheating, but because I feel his behavior appears to be dishonest, ie lying about her having called him and the quick hang up. There are many wise individuals who have lived through similar situations, they are a wealth of information and can help support you and guide you on how to protect yourself, your marriage and your girls.

I have been through similar situations myself, it's not easy. But most importantly, trust your instincts! Take care and I wish you luck.
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Old 09-20-2011, 01:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I really don't wanna believe he still has feelings for her. My main concern is an ongoing problem that we have and that's the fact that he won't change a small thing that I have a problem with. He always tells me I'm the one doing something wrong. He won't even let me bring up the phone call. I'm the one who "needs to figure out how to deal with the jealously"


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Originally Posted by always_hopefull View Post
My main concern is, why would he be having conversations with her behind closed doors? The reason, because he is hiding something, which is another reason why he gets angry with you when discussing her. But my advice to you is to post this on the coping with infidelity section of TAM. Not necessarily because I feel he is cheating, but because I feel his behavior appears to be dishonest, ie lying about her having called him and the quick hang up. There are many wise individuals who have lived through similar situations, they are a wealth of information and can help support you and guide you on how to protect yourself, your marriage and your girls.

I have been through similar situations myself, it's not easy. But most importantly, trust your instincts! Take care and I wish you luck.
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks I don't trust him. He doesn't want to talk to me.

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I really don't wanna believe he still has feelings for her. My main concern is an ongoing problem that we have and that's the fact that he won't change a small thing that I have a problem with. He always tells me I'm the one doing something wrong. He won't even let me bring up the phone call. I'm the one who "needs to figure out how to deal with the jealously"

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If you were doing this to him he wouldn't tolerate one minute of it. As a matter of fact, I doubt he would have taken you back in the first place.
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