Re: Husband and dating sites
Wow....painful to read because it IS of what I am dealing with right now. My H and I struggled awhile back---no guidebook to tell you who's doing to much or too little when it comes to sex. This led to him attempting to cheat and me hurt and feeling like a crazy person for reading his emails, then me forgiving him. I thought we had problems with sex before...but it became worse. The slight improvement I could muster up on my part to make things better was barely recognized and became a problem since I felt worse and it showed. We had other probs as well and ended up in couseling. Skip over dramatically failed counseling, separation & near divorce, his failed attempt at finding a hot young girlfriend, his 2x encounter divorcee, his proclamation of clean bill of health. He asks for another chance because 'he realized he has problems and would do anything he can to fix them to make our 7 years of marriage worth it'. I explained the physical aspect of our relationship is shot and we would need time and counseling to get that back. 1 month & he's had 1 counseling session, reduced drinking (when things are good) and begging to move in. I can't even bring myself to show affection right now b/c of unsettled issues/trust we hadn't even touched upon yet (quitting drinking & having uncomfortable discussions is too much for him at once apparently). Moving in is recipe for disaster. I had another 'crazy person' spell when I accidently grabbed his credit card statement thinking it was mine (he forgot we have same bank and statement goes to my house). The week 'trying again' he pays for a dating website. Takes me minutes to figure out he had also joined match.com, and responded to an ad on craigslist (a week ago) for a female that looks good, is successful but is lonely and can't understand why her last boyfriend thought her being too sexual was a problem....and she's just looking for someone who understands. Just as someone else said..I'll never forget the ad. Also (probably for the best), I didn't get a glimpse of flirtyandsexy007's profile, the recipient of a one sentence email from my H. Worst part is I end up feeling like a jerk that I pulled the email reading again! I never used to be like that and feel some good quality of myself was taken! His reaction upon confrontation was anger and crying...resulting in something like "I want this to work and thought I could deal with no affection or sex for now....but I feel like I'm going crazy and that you don't really want me back b/c you don't even respond when I hold you. I did those emails when I was upset and drinking one night but I never would've actually met anyone. I'm sorry I keep hurting you, it's all my fault and I deserve to lose you. I just want you to know that if you can forgive me I'm going to keep working at this." Aside from the obvious risky behavior he is attempting to involve himself in (which I have now refused to stand for and have halted our relationship).....I'm still left to question my actions to solve the problems. How can I take the time to work toward getting back even the simple urge to hug or kiss someone, when a man needs affection and sex regularly to function (as I hear from most sources). I just feel like I either handled this go-round all wrong or that there just isn't an answer and I'm too far gone for repairing this. Everything about our marriage was wonderful except our sex life, which has escalated into so many other problems. I told him it may just be that we're not sexually compatible and he has refused to acknowledge that possibilty. As for now, there is an element of digust I don't know I'll ever get over. I'm getting myself to counseling....b/c I expect I am once again waiting for the calm before the storm--when he is again faced with the reality of his situation. Sorry this was long, but I read the initial post and felt hurt that others are in the same place I am, but at ease that I'm not the only one unsure of what I should be feeling. Hopefully these postings will help others feel comfortable with their feelings and decisions.