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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 07:48 PM Thread Starter
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Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

Today was food shopping day, so everybody got in my car to go to town. On the 1st of March I had driven home with my stepdaughter in tow, and she and I had dinner in the car, she had some candy, normal kid stuff. Anyway, all her "Garbage" was in the front seat cup holder. The night we got home I asked her to clean out the garbage from the car. She forgot her candy wrappers and stuff. There was also a can of vanilla coke in the cup holder.

The car had some spilled chow mein on it because I was eating while driving because it was so late, around 7pm we had gone to the store and ran some errands for my husband as well. I was so tired when I got home I just forgot about the mess.

My husband gets in my car and he's sighing heavily and taking windex wipes and cleaning off my car. He started getting after me about how disgusting I am because my car is dirty. He starts mentioning food wrappers, and other things. I said, "I cleaned the car out before I left. The noodle mess is mine and the candy wrappers are your daughters"

The conversation proceeded in such a way that it brought me to tears, I said, "It is my car. If I want to keep it sparkly clean I will, I am sorry."
he asked me what I meant by "I'm sorry" and did I mean "I'm sorry, tough." I said no, "I'm sorry I didn't get the mess cleaned up before you got in the car"

After my pitiful attempt at making my point he looked me in the face and said, "I am not going to ride in a filthy, disgusting car, so tough" he then mentioned that we would not be taking the car into town again if it was messy or dirty and we would take his truck. (Which gets horrible gas mileage).

I was pretty pissed, and I did not really feel like talking to him. My husband asked me how I was on gas, I said I was fine. He asked me if I would care to elaborate I said not really. He called me a ****.

He then proceeded to describe me as the fat kid in class who has chocolate all over his mouth and hands, and how could I live in such a disgusting car. And if my mom and I wanted to roll around like pigs in our own filth that was our own choice.

He later said "I'm sorry I didn't mean to be hurtful" ok.. if you don't mean to be hurtful then why say hurtful things? He responded with, "I addressed the problem the only way I know how."

I finally thought the tyranny had ended, but then we got home and we were fixing the bathroom door and he got mad, yelled at me, GD word was thrown, and I broke down and cried again.

Prior to this my husband had stated to me about two or three months ago that he was tired of me crying... so I attempted to stop crying... however it is much more difficult to cut out ones emotions than one might think. SO I cried.

Apparently, also, if I am going to claim the car as mine (Which it is) then I am also responsible for everyone's garbage in the car. And that he would not let me blame his daughter for the mess. I did not blame his daughter, I accepted my mistake, the noodle mess, and she got hers the candy wrappers stuffed in the cup holder.

Here's the kicker: While he is in walmart with his daughter I finished wiping down the car and cleaning out garbage. He did not say anything about it. Not one word. Its like he didn't even notice. So he will notice the garbage but not the cleaning.

It is kind of sad actually, because it sometimes makes me wonder how he thinks insulting me is going to solve the problem? Apparently after an apology I am supposed to just forget the whole thing and be cheery happy afterwards. Sorry, but when I can't dictate what happens in my car, when I watch tv, when I wake up, or what I wear... its hard to come back from that. After his "Apology" he then ranted on about my hair and how I don't care about my appearance. I didn't wear makeup that day. I bleached my hair two weeks ago, got a haircut but some damage still remains and sadly, as a result my hair is poofy. I brushed my hair and put oil in it but I still poofs out. Especially in the wind.

My husband thinks and he has told me this, that if I don't notice things, then I don't care. How fair is that?

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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 08:11 PM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

Sounds like a passive agressive way of telling you he doesn't like your appearanace? Are you overweight? Definitely some issues going on here. None of which is healthy or right.

How's the rest of the marriage? Have good sex often?

From my own experience, when my soon to be ex wife let her self go and I was eating healthy and excercising, it really pissed me off. But our marriage overall was horrible! No intimacy, no sex, no nothing. So anything she did to piss me off would get me to try to hurt her with words. She would do the same to me. It was a horrible situation and something I'm not proud of. When you're miserable, you can't keep it all bottled in forever.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 08:31 PM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

Have you ever told him how he makes you feel when insulting you?

Have you ever been in marriage counseling?

How long have you been married, and has he always talked to you this way?



You do matter!
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 08:32 PM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

Wouldn't it be interesting if this is how he treated his daughter's mother?

I was in an abusive relationship once, and the only thing he didn't insult me about, was my appearance as he always told me that I was 'lucky' to be so attractive. (as if to say, that's the only thing that kept him around me) Abuse comes in many forms...verbal, emotional, silent treatment, psychological, and physical. But if we let people abuse us, then we can only blame them so much, you know? Once I learned to respect myself, I stopped dating 'bad guys.' Everyone in life has stress from work, from whatever...it doesn't give a person the license to verbally/emotionally abuse you. I hope that you stand up for yourself, and tell him to stop treating you this way. HUGS
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 08:41 PM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

I feel you were more than accommodating , you didn't react in defensiveness, you owned your hand in forgetting to get back to clean the car, even his daughters cup holder mess ...You apologized to avoid an escalation from him... you went out of your way to clean the car when he was in Walmart..

Honestly your husband was being a _______ ! You can fill in the blanks.. seriously ! Even his half lamed apology was defensive of his actions, which destroyed the sincerity of it.. it's like.. why did he even bother....

I sounds you married a demeaning "clean freak" who is overly concerned with outward appearances in public..

I can understand your breaking down crying with his ugly hurtful words... I can also understand not wanting him to see it again.. I'd have an awful time not telling him off If I was in your shoes however..

You do ever get abrasive back and give it to him verbally? Or are you more the timid, pleasing, "trying to keep the peace" spouse.... I get that idea...

We need to assert our emotional boundaries Hard against that sort of behavior..

Has he ever been physically abusive ?
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

We have been in counseling twice, but my husband would wait until we saw the counselor to vent his problems. So he'd keep his frustrations hidden and then spring them on me in counseling. Very surprising. My husband and I do not have sex because he is currently disabled and unable to perform. As for my body, yes I am overweight, but he has said that is not an issue unless I am eating unhealthy which is impossible when I am around him.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 09:21 PM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

And why are you his second wife?
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 09:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

Hey simply amorous,

Standing up for myself usually doesn't work out for me. Mostly because I cannot think light on my feet and my husband is all too willing to dish out even harder than I can. For a long time I argued hard, I would get in his face and tell him to stop talking to me the way he did. One time it escalated so much that he was literally yelling at me inches from my face, I put my hand on his shoulder to push him away and he didn't like that. He threw me to the ground and pulled my arm behind my back and told me to keep my hand out of his f**ing face.

So, I descalate the situation instead of poking the fire. That has gotten me nothing but trouble. He has not touched me since then, and he has never been physical after that. That incident was four years ago.

He is controlling, but not in the way many men are. He tells me I can't sleep in any later than 9:30am I am a night owl and often let the dogs out at 3am, because they need to go. I have a hard time sleeping at night, so I often doze off watching youtube or doing school. (Listening to lectures and podcasts)

However, none of that matters because I have to get up when he tells me to get up. I can't watch tv any time during the day, tv is only for at night, I have to use my phone less when I am at home otherwise he will get after me for that. It's like being a kid. Even what we eat is a joint decision. What we buy at the store. He won't buy chips or anything like that, so I eat goldfish. Because it's the only thing I can get away with.

The only thing he doesn't control me on is my computer and my school work. Otherwise, daytime is for working and nothing else. My husband calls it "Lousing" around. Being lazy. I go and take care of my 95 year old grandfather for work and I make 1800 for our family. I wouldn't make half that working anywhere else. I clean, I cook, I bathe my grandpa, wash his clothes, shop for him, spend time with him, and when I come home I want to relax I don't want to work.

No matter what I do, I am either ignoring him or being a sh*t.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 09:48 PM
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He is currently disabled? Since when?

How long have you been married? Is the step daughter the only kid? You referenced a nasty fight from 4 years ago, has your relationship always been like this?
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 09:56 PM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

Why are you still with this abusive jerk?

Throwing you to the ground and twisting your arm behind your back?

Call the police.
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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 10:43 PM
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Your husband sounds like my soon-to-be ex wife.

Controlling your free time, diet, wardrobe. Physical abuse. Verbal abuse. Emotional abuse.

Don't walk away. Run.

I've been living that nightmare for 5 years. I had to ask myself a very important question: is this WORTH the emotional and physical pain? 10 years from now, am I going to be enjoying a glass of wine on the porch with my spouse, blissfully happy and content? Or am I going to be dead of a stress-related heart attack? I love my wife, despite all the horrible things she's done. But in the end, I love my sanity and self-respect more.

You deserve better.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 11:12 PM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

SRH - Sperm Retention Headache.

Man has no one told him to not sweat the small stuff? I would have left this guy a LONG time ago!

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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 05:48 AM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

ABUSIVE MEN >> Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man
Quote:

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.

1. Jealousy & Possessiveness – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control – He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority – He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates – Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings – His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don’t match words – He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you – An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek help – An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women – Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

10. Has a history of abusing women and/or animals or was abused himself – Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behavior can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers. Men who abuse animals are much more likely to abuse women also.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 07:28 AM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

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Originally Posted by toomuchlove87 View Post
We have been in counseling twice, but my husband would wait until we saw the counselor to vent his problems. So he'd keep his frustrations hidden and then spring them on me in counseling. Very surprising. My husband and I do not have sex because he is currently disabled and unable to perform. As for my body, yes I am overweight, but he has said that is not an issue unless I am eating unhealthy which is impossible when I am around him.
My theory is that he's taking it out on you due to his "disability!"

Misery simply loves company, and unfortunately, you're it!

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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-04-2016, 07:37 AM
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Re: Husband yells and throws insults during arguments

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My theory is that he's taking it out on you due to his "disability!"

Misery simply loves company, and unfortunately, you're it!
I was thinking along these lines.. his being unable to perform (not even with viagra?) could be awfully damning to a man, and very very frustrating.. even fearing he could loose his wife ...so he's resorted to controlling tactics.. putting her down , etc..

Or maybe he's always had these tendencies.. just wondering if these unfortunate happenings brought out the beast in him ?
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