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Old 09-27-2011, 10:07 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Dating After Divorce Advice?

I'll officially be a free man tomorrow. I was with my ex for 10 years. Im 34 years old. I started doing some casual dating. People hook me up on little blind dates. I actually was set up with a girl and we just had our 2nd date. We only did 2 group dates and I like her but its early into the whole deal. Im thinking about asking her to a more formal dinner date with just the two of us to feel out how she feels.

In the mean time a girl that I met before the first girl just started texting me again. I tried to go out with this girl before but it just never happened. Im friends on facebook with both girls. I know this girl more and feel more comfortable around her. We flirt more. She flat out asked me out.

The weird thing is that it almost seems like me tagging myself out with the first girl prompted the contact from the second girl. I literally got texts after I tagged me with the first girl during our date lol. It is also strange that I didn't get a date earlier but now she is asking me out.

Im going to be honest and say I have never really been in a situation like this. Maybe but I can't remember anything lol. Call me old fashioned but it seems weird going out with both. Im not attached to either but I wouldn't like knowing that I went out on 2 dates with a girl and she went out with somebody else on the side. If I wouldn't like it done to me, then I shouldn't do it.

Go for the new girl and hope for the best? Go out with the second girl that I know better but is also risky? Try to work it out to not destroy both relationships since im not attached to either(if this is your option please post advice how lol )?

Last edited by sadsoul; 09-27-2011 at 10:17 PM.
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Old 09-27-2011, 10:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

I hope you are not planning on imbarking on a series of dishonest relationships. If you are not attracted to either then go out with both as friends. Dont lie. Be old fashion as in honorable man. Tell each that you are dating others. If they want something exclusive then you are not the one. Please don't be dishonest and string tgese women along. Tell them exactly what you are doing. Being dishonest will backfire, you will get a taste of it yourself at some point so be clean and honest. Women are not pawns to boost your ego, they are people with feeling treat them as you would like to be treated.
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Old 09-27-2011, 11:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

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I hope you are not planning on imbarking on a series of dishonest relationships. If you are not attracted to either then go out with both as friends. Dont lie. Be old fashion as in honorable man. Tell each that you are dating others. If they want something exclusive then you are not the one. Please don't be dishonest and string tgese women along. Tell them exactly what you are doing. Being dishonest will backfire, you will get a taste of it yourself at some point so be clean and honest. Women are not pawns to boost your ego, they are people with feeling treat them as you would like to be treated.
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I did post that im old fashioned in how I feel about this. Im not going to date both. I don't want to piss off either as well. Is it wrong for me to want to work this out where I can date one and maybe still go out with the 2nd if the first doesn't work out?

Just be honest and say im going out with the first right now to the second girl? She already knows via facebook. Its honest but may hurt her feelings.
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

Well, you just experienced the Preselection Event in women. Preselection is when a girl starts thinking your dating material if more women also find you interesting and dating material. Hence, the second girl asking you out on a date when she found out you are dating or at least interested in the first girl.


Now, what's wrong with dating both. At least casually? Dinner. Coffee? Take them both out on a date. That's why it's called dating. When things start getting more involved, then that's when you decide to be more exclusive.

Dating is like a series of interviews. Find out which one best fits your needs and desires, and has the most compatability for you.

Now, don't over think this, or stress yourself out over it either. Me? I would date both until it reached a point where it becomes exclusive. And I wouldn't feel guilty about it either.
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

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Originally Posted by sadsoul View Post
I'll officially be a free man tomorrow. I was with my ex for 10 years. Im 34 years old. I started doing some casual dating. People hook me up on little blind dates. I actually was set up with a girl and we just had our 2nd date. We only did 2 group dates and I like her but its early into the whole deal. Im thinking about asking her to a more formal dinner date with just the two of us to feel out how she feels.

In the mean time a girl that I met before the first girl just started texting me again. I tried to go out with this girl before but it just never happened. Im friends on facebook with both girls. I know this girl more and feel more comfortable around her. We flirt more. She flat out asked me out.

The weird thing is that it almost seems like me tagging myself out with the first girl prompted the contact from the second girl. I literally got texts after I tagged me with the first girl during our date lol. It is also strange that I didn't get a date earlier but now she is asking me out.

Im going to be honest and say I have never really been in a situation like this. Maybe but I can't remember anything lol. Call me old fashioned but it seems weird going out with both. Im not attached to either but I wouldn't like knowing that I went out on 2 dates with a girl and she went out with somebody else on the side. If I wouldn't like it done to me, then I shouldn't do it.

Go for the new girl and hope for the best? Go out with the second girl that I know better but is also risky? Try to work it out to not destroy both relationships since im not attached to either(if this is your option please post advice how lol )?
What the heck happened to dating. When did it become evil to date two women at the same time? Dating several people used to be the norm. Casual dating with people we barely know has become going steady. The first date is now going steady. there is no casual dating anymore.
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

You`re recently divorced.
There is no attachment to either at this time.
This seems to have all happened on facebook where at least one is aware of the other.

I don`t see why you can`t date both as long as you`re honest about it.

Just tell them you`re not ready for an exclusive relationship and are casually dating.

I`ve done it and honestly the Preselection syndrome seems to happen when it`s done.

Being attractive to women makes you attractive to more women.

Have some fun, be honest, don`t hurt anyone.
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Old 09-28-2011, 11:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by rikithemonk View Post
What the heck happened to dating. When did it become evil to date two women at the same time? Dating several people used to be the norm. Casual dating with people we barely know has become going steady. The first date is now going steady. there is no casual dating anymore.
When you are in highschool I guess that's on but as an adult I would like to think whomever I'm dating isn't "playing the field". If people want to casually date that's fine but I not hip on swapping spit with three other potential candidates.

Oh and if you like dating multiple women(or men) don't complain later when you penis turns into a flamethrower after getting some nasty STD.
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Old 09-28-2011, 11:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

Date them both.

Don't start 'dating' from the perspective of hoping that someone will latch onto you as your next long term partner.

Seeing more than one woman does not make you dishonest. It makes you practical. It makes you far better equipped to judge women by their character, rather than by your own internal need to be 'coupled'.

Don't presume their feelings, expectations, or desires. Be selfish ... but not dishonest. Dating is about you and what you want. Be clear about that. It will HELP you immensely.

Date them both, and based upon those experiences either one, both, or neither will become clearly apparent as suitable matches for more dates, or potentially something else.

I just started dating again.

Lined up 3 dates in less than a week. I automatically presume that ANY potential date is also 'dating' and not looking for an exclusive long term relationship after one or two dates.
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

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Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post

Now, what's wrong with dating both. At least casually? Dinner. Coffee? Take them both out on a date. That's why it's called dating. When things start getting more involved, then that's when you decide to be more exclusive.

Dating is like a series of interviews. Find out which one best fits your needs and desires, and has the most compatability for you.

Now, don't over think this, or stress yourself out over it either. Me? I would date both until it reached a point where it becomes exclusive. And I wouldn't feel guilty about it either.
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

Go out with both (after your divorce is final). You just got out of a ten-year relationship. Why only hang with one of them?
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Old 10-03-2011, 10:51 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602 View Post
I hope you are not planning on imbarking on a series of dishonest relationships. If you are not attracted to either then go out with both as friends. Dont lie. Be old fashion as in honorable man. Tell each that you are dating others. If they want something exclusive then you are not the one. Please don't be dishonest and string tgese women along. Tell them exactly what you are doing. Being dishonest will backfire, you will get a taste of it yourself at some point so be clean and honest. Women are not pawns to boost your ego, they are people with feeling treat them as you would like to be treated.
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I agree. Do not embark on "dishonest" relationships. Embark on totally honest ones. Go to Backpage.com and go to the Escort section. I promise you, they will make you wonder why you ever got married.
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:00 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

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Originally Posted by sadsoul View Post
I did post that im old fashioned in how I feel about this. Im not going to date both. I don't want to piss off either as well. Is it wrong for me to want to work this out where I can date one and maybe still go out with the 2nd if the first doesn't work out?

Just be honest and say im going out with the first right now to the second girl? She already knows via facebook. Its honest but may hurt her feelings.
Nothing wrong with dating two women until one of them presses for something exclusive.

How do you know they aren't dating two or more men?
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Old 10-03-2011, 09:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

I have to admit that I didn't read past the third reply. But here's my take on it. Just be completely honest with all involved. Don't be dishonest. Some women are fine with guys casually dating more than just them. Heck lots of women do it all the time, why shouldn't we as well? But don't ever be dishonest. And most of the time, if and when things turn sexual, most women draw the line there, except for only those women who truly don't want any committments and usually, those are the ones you have to double bag it with. Great for when first getting out of a relationship, but bad if you are looking for anything of some quality.

Good luck bro!
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

I'm in agreement with those who say date both of them, but I'll add don't stop at two. After 10 years in a marriage that went bad you need to take your time, there are plenty of women who will want to date you. Many you haven't met yet will turn out to be better matches than the two you are worrying about.

From my personal and recent experience I can say don't confuse lust with love, or enjoyment with commitment.

Watch out for your own weaknesses - in my case I was lonely and horny and willing to ignore red flags. I'm really glad the first woman I fell for after leaving a 20+ year marriage realized that we weren't a good match.

I suggest you join several of the free dating sites, date a lot of women - at least two a week, and, if you find someone special ask her out again. Don't rush the relationship! If after a couple of dates you think she is very special, let her know. If you see problems - financial, job, drinking, drugs, family, baggage from former spouses or boy friends, arguing, frequent lateness, etc, etc, etc, don't bury these red flags - move on.

You probably aren't ready for a long term relationship, as much as you think you are.

Ask yourself "what do I want?" and "what don't I want?" and keep your answers in mind even when the lure of sex and companionship shines very brightly and they will.

I'm almost twice your age but remember very well how easily I fell into love where the red flags were visible but I hoped time and love would fix them - instead the issues intensified. My friends, male and female, tell me this is what they found - even those friends who are still married and reasonably happy.

Take your time, you are still young enough to spend a year dating and learning.

I should point out that although I dated several women a week for a while I stopped dating multiple women once physical and emotional intimacy began.

Last, but not least, have a couple of condoms handy at all times - STDs are real, and unplanned pregnancies can ruin a lot of lives, especially the life of an unwanted child.

If you have any doubts about your sexual health once an intimate relationship ends, ask your dr or local health department for STD tests - a quick blood draw and an ounce of urine can allow you to reassure the next woman in your life that you are healthy.
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:42 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Dating After Divorce Advice?

As long as you are open and honest about what you are looking for right now and they know things aren't exclusive, then go out with many women. You just got out of a marriage. Go see what's out there, learn to read women, find yourself, go have fun. Not saying sow your oats, but just take some time. You might find someone who makes you realize what you were missing in your marriage, or you might find that you aren't ready for a relationship. As long as you communicate, all is well. What I did was put every man I went on a date with in one of two categories. Category 1 was "Fun for now" and Category 2 was "long term potential". But I kept everything light and casual. Don't burn bridges with potentials, but don't tie yourself down now.
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