WE ONE-SIX

Here is my story in a nut shell. Since returning from overseas with the military a few years ago, I have struggled w/ my wife having male friends. I wasn't aware of how prevalent it was until after my return.

During this time, I have resorted numerous times to "snooping"(i.e. checking cell phone, texts, FB, emails, the entire information spectrum) in order to find out the perceived truths. When confronting her, this as you can imagine only lead to bigger problems for both of us in trusting one another and always put our marriage in greater jeopardy.

Over the last two months this situation has reoccurred(initiated and revealed by my snooping again). We have both went to counseling together(only once) and I have continued individual counseling to deal with how this effects me versus the need to want to control her(which I don't want to do...too time consuming and mentally exhausting).

Regardless, communication has been more open but so has her need to interact w/ OM "friends"...Including a former fiancee...Yes, she has been more forthright in telling me when and where and if I am ok w/ it. I am trying to be accepting of her need to have her friends, but am struggling on how to establish a healthy boundary and when and where I get to interact w/ these OM "friends" too(on a limited basis), which has not occurred yet.

I don't think either of us our ready to give up on our marriage, but I am certainly trying to mitigate what I believe are real risks as well as those not yet revealed, or I haven't uncovered. Additionally, I am trying to reconcile my own feelings of insecurity and the needs of my spouse to commit to helping someone else w/ their problems when she could be focusing more on hers, ours, and those of the marriage.

Any suggestions, recommendations, and feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!

Thanks!!!

DanF

Having opposite sex friends that are not friends of both of you is inappropriate.
I have a wonderful female friend that is also my wife's friend, but I do not see her without my wife and/or her husband present. I have spoken to her on the phone, but they were very brief and involved a subject that we all were a part of, like a lunch date or something similar.
What your wife is doing is inappropriate.

WE ONE-SIX

I appreciate the comments! I have thought this too, and other friends have advised me that it is kind of wierd to say the least. Her explanation is that she has always had better friendships w/ males because there isn't all the drama like there is w/ females. Not to say she doesn't have any female friends. This OM is someone who she was HS friends w/ and via the wonder of FB have reestablished a friendship. The fact that she hangs out at his house which is only a few miles from ours is concerning... Even though I have asked and she has reassured me that nothing extra marital is occurring, do you think I am being naive? I have already asked her about this and given the fact that I am a male, too I obviously understand how he thinks especially since he is at the start of a divorce and I believe is creating a strong emotional attachment to my wife. I did I fail to mention a former fiancee that she also socializes alone with. Am I being totally stupid in an effort to understand her needs and being overly accomodating when I should be demanding that these friendships end?

DanF

You need to put a stop to this.
NOW.

Set boundaries with your wife and stick to them. If this is making you uncomfortable( and it should), then you ned to trust your gut and man up.
Your wife may not be screwing him...yet.
You and I both know what he is after and it's not casual conversation.

CandieGirl

You're not being stupid...everyone wants to be one of those 'cool' people that isn't bothered in the least when their husband or wife hangs around with members of the opposite sex. The point is, most of us aren't capable of being that cool person! I sometimes wonder if that cool person even exists - oh, there are plenty who say they don't care, even people on TAM. So then why are they here?

I agree with the above replies. You know what this guy wants, so put an end to it now.

WE ONE-SIX

Thanks! Like I said in one of my previous posts, she apparently is assisting him w/ some legal/ financial issues for his pending divorce... Other than that she states they are just friends and don't engage in that conversation, thus my naivte in wanting to believe what my spouse is telling me?????

jayde

Pending divorce. I heard this can be a lonely time.

But enough of that. . . the old marriage rule, if one person is not good with it, the other should let it go. Real simple. If he's more important to her then her marriage, therein lies the problem.

Shooboomafoo

Ive met many male friends of my now ex-wife's some of whom had dated her in the past, but they acted respectful of the situation between us, and made an effort to get to know me, and who I was. Not that it was conclusive by any means, but that effort was at least a starting point of knowing them.
Its the "guy friends" you know nothing about, and make no effort to know you at all, that you need to worry about.
Thats how I ended up divorced.
Expect to hear "you have no right to tell me who my friends can be"
Expect to hear " you are too controlling" and be threatened with divorce.
Otherwise, you could get a few female friends and see how she digs that.

Of course, my ex wifes affair started with her "helping him through" some b.s. line of crapola. This guy doesnt need your wifes help, NO man needs a womans help for things like that, hes after her panties.

WE ONE-SIX

Thanks! Your insight is helpful and very much welcomed. I am arriving to a point and conclusion that I accept the need she has to have male friends, but am becoming less ok w/ it, if that makes any sense. I also, get a sense that she only is telling me what she wants me to know for obvious reasons and that there is an emotional attraction developed already or developing and whether or not that evolves into a full EA and PA I guess remains to be seen. Should I cut and run?

Entropy3000

I was just freinds during my EA. I did nto realize I was wrong until I was almost through withdrawal.

You wife is being unfaithful to you. I am not saying she has had intercoruse with anyone yet. But it is way past inappropriate and well into unfaithful. She is totally being disrespectfull in putting all of these OM ahead of you.

Effectively you are married and she is dating.

Entropy3000

Forget what I said about inappropriate and unfaithful. This is cheating. A married woman does not go over a guys house and hang out.

Moreover a guy does not have another man's wife over his house to hang out without establishing the basis for a sexual relationship. Most men would only be doing this if they were having sex of some kind.

Your wife is not dating, you are living in an open relationship.

Her ex fiancee. Yes they are having sex.

Instigate ( having close opposite sex friends )
Isolate ( you have been isolated time and time again )
Escalate ( umm visiting a man's home without her husband )

If you don't have kids I would move on.

Struggle Within

Yikes! My wife fed me the same exact line!! And you know what? It's all a bunch of crap! She eventually cheated on me. Don't fall for the lies. Listen to the others here; there should be NO alone time with opposite genders when you are married.

I'm sorry to say that my situation played out that we are now in separate apartments and I'm filing for divorce in November.

You are no longer in a healthy relationship. I'm sorry man. Get out while you can.

WE ONE-SIX

Entropy and Struggle,

Thanks for your comments! Do you think I should attempt additional couples counseling?...We are actually communicating well, and getting along, or do you think this is just her way of showing that she is getting her cake and eating it too? So, why wouldn't she be content w/ herself and the situation...

I know what you both mean about what men look for and want in women, especially one projecting themself in an inappropriate way...And, taking into consideration that they could have the cow w/out buying the milk!

This sucks!!!! But thanks for the honesty and support!

Entropy3000

You have to be able to stand up for yourself. There is no other person who will get this straight for you.

Folks here would usually say it is time to man-up.

Basically, you tell her that this is unacceptable to you in your marriage. You cannot control her but you can control what you do. She has to go NC ( no contact ) with those guys right now. No emails, no texts, not dating, no going over to their homes, no meeting them anywhere. Other can help with an NC letter of needed. There is no weening off of this either.

So you start working on yourself and make plans to move on without her. You have to be willing to let people go to be able to keep them.

Will she do this. I doubt it. You have let this go on for years. She is only married when she is in the mood to be. But you have to start somewhere. If you do not stand strong she will just call you, controlling, insecure and jealous. Make a bunch of excuses.

So really she just hangs out with thses guys at their homes? Holy cr@p.

the guy

You mentioned that you have been investigating through "entire information spectrum", have you tried a VAR (voice activited recorder)?
Plant it in her car and in the house were she takes her calls.

How often does she stay out all night?
This may be a good time to have her followed, a PI (expencive) might come in handy.

All of this investigation will come in handy when you confront her and show her what she is really up to no matter how many time she uses the "just friend" word.