Re: Guys- do you get "excited" every time?
hmmm.... well, I never have troubles in that department, but we're all different.
I apologize in advance if any of this has been mentioned already. I didn't read all the posts...
As a guy that tolerated way too much sexual frustration way too long in his marriage, my main advice is to start addressing this with him now. Like ASAP. Don't procrastinate. Time flies.
I totally get what you are dealing with in regards to the feeling of self blame. I do it as well in my situation. It's good to consider things that may be about you that contribute, but please don't beat yourself up.
If you are looking to improve your appeal to him though, here's my stance on attractiveness. The way you look is a very small fraction of your appeal. The way you act or treat him will get you MUCH more mileage in the attractiveness category than any treadmill could provide. That's just my personal experience with my wife and other women as well. There's so much body shaming and pressure in our society and all of it is a bunch of BS. I find all shapes and forms of women attractive and I believe most men feel the same way. The draw isn't based on the way they look, but more about their personality. Don't take that word "personality" to mean that you have to be someone you aren't either. He was obviously attracted to you before by just being who you are. So be yourself, of course. The things I'm referring to are basically how you treat him and how your relationship is outside of the bedroom. Is he dealing with any kind of resentments? Does he feel nagged? Does he feel any kind of other annoyances that may be turning him off? Does he feel kind of restrained or on a leash? Only he would know that, so it's worth asking him.
As for the homosexuality thing? I personally am mind boggled as to how people can pull this off. You know, getting into a heterosexual marriage but being homosexual. I mean, I get if he is bi, but even then, part of being bi is being attracted to females. He must have had a genuine attraction to you in some way shape or form, right? Am I wrong? Maybe I am wrong, so please correct me if I'm way off. I don't have much knowledge in this regard. I'm just thinking out loud I suppose. It wouldn't be the first time I've heard of it happening though. So, don't get me wrong. I'm not dismissing the possibility. Not one bit. It could very much be a possiblity. I just can't help but shake my head when I imagine that people are able to pull this off. At any rate, if he is gay, then I'm not really sure how you would get to the bottom of it. If he is gay, then he's probably in major denial by going as far as marrying a woman. Either that or he's extremely dishonest by going into a heterosexual marriage as a man that is in the closet. ...or he knows he's gay and he feels ashamed of it or like he's not allowed to simply be gay? At any rate, any one of those situations sound like such a mess to me. I can't imagine being able to get an honest answer out of him in any of those situations. I guess, my point is, if he's so willing to cover up or deny homosexuality as to marry a woman, then how can you trust he would just say "ok, you got me, I'm gay.". It just seems like a really rough situation to be able to uncover. Plus, with sex, there are so many smokescreens at people's disposal. It's so easy to find reasons you can't perform and put your partner on some wild goose chase when there's a hidden underlying problem that is the real cause of the difficulty but is just too embarassing or painful for them to face or admit to.
Another thought. Does he suffer from premature ejaculation? I have read that this sometimes goes hand in hand with ED. Apparently, if someone is regularly finishing early and leaving their missus unsatisfied, the whole event of love making feels like a big anxiety provoking situation. That sometimes brings forth performance anxiety problems such as getting an erection. This is especially true in situations where their partner was not very compassionate about him finishing quick. If he's rather quick, it may be worthwhile to bring it up and ask if he ever feels inadequate because of it. It may be as simple as reassuring him and making it safe for him to just relax and not treat it as some sort of test of his ability to please you. I'm not implying that you are creating that sort of vibe. The vibe may completely and utterly within himself. He may be carrying an unspoken expectation by societies rules or even dealing with hurts from past relationships. He may not even be quick in comparison to most men but feel like he's subpar because he has an unrealistic expectation of himself. I guess in short, no matter what the reason, could it just be that he is feeling a bit unsure of his ability to please you? If that's the case, I think just reassuring him that you enjoy it no matter what the outcome is and perhaps finding alternate ways to help finish your end of the situation (toys / manual stimulation / oral / etc.) would help a lot. Maybe he just needs a bit of his anxiety producing concerns aired out and addressed and reassured?
Then again, maybe it's just a medical condition with ED, plain and simple?
I'm obviously no expert. Just sharing my personal experiences and thoughts. The big thing I can't stress enough though is to address this stuff. Don't let it sit unattended. Don't be like me and put it off forever. If he gives resistance to talking about it, don't let him keep the topic off the table. If this is bothering you, and rightfully so, then it needs to be addressed.