She doesn't love me anymore???
I am not quite sure why I am doing this.
Yesterday was one of the most emotionally shattering days of my life. My wife and I went to counseling, and she said she doesn't think she loves me anymore. I am not considering separation, but my wife is.
Some background: My wife and I have been together for about 9 years now. We have been married for about 5. Our anniversary is coming up in a few days. A few months ago, my wife says she started to change as a person. She had been going to the gym more, tanning, doing things for herself that she hadn't done in a long time. She has been getting more looks at work as well. She also has a VERY demanding job, which means she sometimes doesn't get home until VERY late, especially considering she is pulling double duty for a co-worker who is out on maternity leave. We have one child together, a son. She is very good at what she does, and gets lots of kudos at work.
But what concerns me more is the person she says she has now become. She says she is not the same person anymore. She says she feels violated when I look at her sexually. In counseling, it surfaced that that feeling may stem from an incident of sexual abuse when she was younger.
But I think that is just the sex part. She doesn't want me to ask, probe or push her about what is going on in her head. When she isn't working late, usually she is out driving around and doesn't want to come home because of the tension. She sleeps in her car. She says she is confused and alone and doesn't find any comfort with me anymore, and that is why she stays out late if she isn't working.
I get resentful that I am left to keep the house up, but today I am way past that. I feel like I was punched in the gut HARD yesterday. She said she questions why she got married,
and wants to live as roommates.
I am willing to fight for us, to fight the despair that is closing in all around me.
But right now I feel like I am in limbo. Like I am on a precipice, and whether I fall is no longer up to me. Why get my hopes up if she doesn't feel anything for me anymore?
Our counselor said love is a choice. I know I made the right choice for me. But I feel like I am her mistake. We have had our arguments, but they usually drag on for days, which a lot of the time is my fault because I react by pushing her away and not coming together. That is my failing. And I admitted as much to her yesterday.
My counselor also says not to take this personally. I still am in the dark as to why she said that. I should have taken notes. Is it because it is about what she wants and has nothing to do with me? How can I not take it personally?
I feel like I am wandering a wasteland. She lit a fire - she had to. Everything I knew has been burned. And the smoke hasn't cleared so I can't see. And I don't know if she'll be there when the smoke clears.
How can I survive during this time? She says she doesn't know if she wants to fight for us. She says that it doesn't mean the same when she says she loves me now. Our counselor says it isn't about the heart. But people do change. And there are no guarantees.
I think that she wants and thinks she deserves someone classier and more secure now that she is moving up in her job and looking better physically. (I'm a geek, a software engineer) She made a promise to me, but it feels like promises don't matter because one day you just might not want to honor it anymore. She has called me too meek, timid, weak and docile. I have my insecurities but I feel like I am being cruelly pushed aside.
Anyone have any advice about surviving such a blow? A friend of mine says to keep myself occupied, and take it a day at a time. Crawl if I have to. But I'm still in love with her. And to have that love unrequited after all that we have shared, is absolutely devastating. To have someone I'm in love with so near, and yet so far away. It is torture, and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
I have tried everything - flowers, notes, surprises, even poetry. She says it just doesn't register with her anymore. I feel like any minute I will break down.
If I truly love her, do I need to face the fact that I might have to let her go?