She doesn't love me anymore???
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default She doesn't love me anymore???

Hello.

I am not quite sure why I am doing this.

Yesterday was one of the most emotionally shattering days of my life. My wife and I went to counseling, and she said she doesn't think she loves me anymore. I am not considering separation, but my wife is.

Some background: My wife and I have been together for about 9 years now. We have been married for about 5. Our anniversary is coming up in a few days. A few months ago, my wife says she started to change as a person. She had been going to the gym more, tanning, doing things for herself that she hadn't done in a long time. She has been getting more looks at work as well. She also has a VERY demanding job, which means she sometimes doesn't get home until VERY late, especially considering she is pulling double duty for a co-worker who is out on maternity leave. We have one child together, a son. She is very good at what she does, and gets lots of kudos at work.

But what concerns me more is the person she says she has now become. She says she is not the same person anymore. She says she feels violated when I look at her sexually. In counseling, it surfaced that that feeling may stem from an incident of sexual abuse when she was younger.

But I think that is just the sex part. She doesn't want me to ask, probe or push her about what is going on in her head. When she isn't working late, usually she is out driving around and doesn't want to come home because of the tension. She sleeps in her car. She says she is confused and alone and doesn't find any comfort with me anymore, and that is why she stays out late if she isn't working.

I get resentful that I am left to keep the house up, but today I am way past that. I feel like I was punched in the gut HARD yesterday. She said she questions why she got married,
and wants to live as roommates.

I am willing to fight for us, to fight the despair that is closing in all around me.

But right now I feel like I am in limbo. Like I am on a precipice, and whether I fall is no longer up to me. Why get my hopes up if she doesn't feel anything for me anymore?

Our counselor said love is a choice. I know I made the right choice for me. But I feel like I am her mistake. We have had our arguments, but they usually drag on for days, which a lot of the time is my fault because I react by pushing her away and not coming together. That is my failing. And I admitted as much to her yesterday.

My counselor also says not to take this personally. I still am in the dark as to why she said that. I should have taken notes. Is it because it is about what she wants and has nothing to do with me? How can I not take it personally?

I feel like I am wandering a wasteland. She lit a fire - she had to. Everything I knew has been burned. And the smoke hasn't cleared so I can't see. And I don't know if she'll be there when the smoke clears.

How can I survive during this time? She says she doesn't know if she wants to fight for us. She says that it doesn't mean the same when she says she loves me now. Our counselor says it isn't about the heart. But people do change. And there are no guarantees.

I think that she wants and thinks she deserves someone classier and more secure now that she is moving up in her job and looking better physically. (I'm a geek, a software engineer) She made a promise to me, but it feels like promises don't matter because one day you just might not want to honor it anymore. She has called me too meek, timid, weak and docile. I have my insecurities but I feel like I am being cruelly pushed aside.

Anyone have any advice about surviving such a blow? A friend of mine says to keep myself occupied, and take it a day at a time. Crawl if I have to. But I'm still in love with her. And to have that love unrequited after all that we have shared, is absolutely devastating. To have someone I'm in love with so near, and yet so far away. It is torture, and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I have tried everything - flowers, notes, surprises, even poetry. She says it just doesn't register with her anymore. I feel like any minute I will break down.

If I truly love her, do I need to face the fact that I might have to let her go?
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: She doesn't love me anymore???

Is she having an affair?

And yes, you need to face the fact you might have to let her go. Never hold onto soeone who is trying desperately to get away from you.
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Old 09-30-2011, 12:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: She doesn't love me anymore???

I feel I eroded trust by doing so, but I did accuse her of cheating which she denied. It didn't come up in counseling either. I believe her.

My big problem with the relationship is intimacy. Emotional, sexual. She just says she has "checked out" and "isn't in the right headspace" anymore.

I feel I am owed more of an explanation but she can't give me one.

I want to hold on to her so badly. I asked her why she married me. She said she had met no one else like me and that we were in love. When she used the word "were," it just floored me.

I am so confused. I am not a horrible man. She says I'm a very good man, but I know that isn't enough. It isn't expressly clear why she wants to get away from me. Our counselor says I shouldn't, but I keep asking myself "What did I do?" The counselor says that is the wrong question to ask. Is it?

My self-worth and pride is somewhat intertwined with hers. I mentioned this counseling. I put her on a pedestal - I said maybe I shouldn't but my counselor says I should. When someone I love and admire and put on that pedestal rejects me, I feel like less of a man. Like I can't hold onto the woman that I want in this life.

But I think I know what my counselor would say: It isn't about me. Her staying isn't dependent on me, it is about her. But I wanted her and I got her, now it feels like I have lost her. And it makes me feel ineffectual and not worthy of a woman like my wife.

She is the first woman I knew that I loved.
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Old 09-30-2011, 01:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: She doesn't love me anymore???

I ask about an affair because she is showing all the hallmark "cheater" signs. Youa sked once, she dnied, so don't ask again. Just snoop a little bit to find out but don't be obvious about it. Then once you can rule that out, great. If not, then everything else makes sense.

Here's the thing: I know you want to understand why she wants out, and you want to hold onto her, and you want to ask 100 questions about why and how and what else can you do to make things better--but she has checked out. So you need to accept that.

NO answer she gives you will be satisfactory when you are on the receiving end of rejection. Get to the gym, buy a new shirt/cologne, do the 180.

Your counselor IS right. It's not about you. Her decision for separating is for her.

If you keep asking her what you did wrong--you will run her even further away.

Don't cry or beg or plead with her. Don't put pressure on her.

Tell her "Wife...I've thought a lot about what you'e said. I realize you are unhappy and I know I have contributed to some of the mess in our relationship. I own that and am willing to work on those things, with you, toether in counselling and individually by myself. I value our marriage. If you decide you want to restore our marriage with me, then I am game with that and will do what it takes for us to be on the road to recovery. If you decide you want to separate, then I will respect your wishes and let you go."
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Old 09-30-2011, 01:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: She doesn't love me anymore???

Don't put a lot of emphasis on her words. Her actions are more telling and she's showed you every way possible how little she thinks of you and the marriage. It's probably not going to work but for your own sake you probably need to make every effort to repair this thing. If it works, the reward is you get to keep your wife. If it doesn't work, the reward is you leave knowing you did your best. Ultimately, it was her decision to withdraw from the marriage. Not knowing all the particulars, if it were me, I'd be inclined to toss her out with the suggestion that she get her head screwed on straight and figure out whether she wants to be my wife or whateverthehell she's trying to be. Right now, what have you got? You've got a piece of paper and a ring some pawn shop might give you $40.00 for. Some woman is walking around with your name but her heart isn't with you. She needs to get her head, her heart, her words, and her actions in agreement. She doesn't get to enjoy the benefits of marriage and the freedom of a single woman. I'm more than a little skeptical about her spending the night in her car. Sounds very much like an affair to me.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Jellybeans:

Thanks you for your responses. I actually texted what you said (slightly modified) to my wife - she hasn't responded so either she is busy or the answer is "I don't know if I want to work this out."

It is easier said than done. Letting her go. I don't know how - I'm still in love her. Maybe I am complicating things. But it sure doesn't feel easy whatsoever. We have had so many good times (and bad times) and shared SO much. She has become this inextricable part of my world. But maybe that is my fault - it can't be something inextricable, because something like this can happen.

It feels like marriage is a useless institution. Why marry if your wife could so something like this? As a human being, I guess I am susceptible to it as well.

Maybe I was too naive to think that this wasn't a possibility. But maybe it is better to have loved and lost then not having loved at all. At least I tried. At least I LIVED.

I don't know if I could ever love again. I know life goes on and I must as well. But I will need time to grieve. I'd want to find love again. But it's like, I already found it. How am I going to find something that already was found?

unbelievable:

Thank you for your reply.

A friend of mine told me to try and fight for her - to give it my all and at least try. I am beginning to comprehend that if I don't try, I will look back and regret that I did not.

Some friends that I have talked to have suggested that very thing - to tell her to get her "head screwed on straight" until she figures out what she wants.

In anger, I told her as much in recent arguments. But now I am simply depressed. How can I try when I don't know if she is willing to do the same?

I know it sounds like an affair. I was suspicious as well. I still am. But she said she has been nothing but up front and honest with me and I believe her.

Maybe love is blinding me to the truth.

Something you said struck a bit of a chord. That she is enjoying the benefits of a married life while having the freedom of a single woman. Yes, I agree she can't have it both ways. And it makes me a bit angry when I think about it like that. Maybe I should get angry - it keeps me from wallowing in this sadness.

It is true that she doesn't know what she wants. That is the absolute worst part. I have to back off and wait until she figures this out or else I will push her further to the brink.

It doesn't feel fair, but life isn't fair. I feel I do not have a choice.

I don't know how I can live as just a roommate. Day to day, I need to figure out a way to survive.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: She doesn't love me anymore???

Quote:
Originally Posted by landgazr View Post
Jellybeans:

Thanks you for your responses. I actually texted what you said (slightly modified) to my wife - she hasn't responded so either she is busy or the answer is "I don't know if I want to work this out."
.

Wait to see what she says. It woulda been better in person but you already said it, so it's out of the bag. If she says "IDK" then you tell her that YOU don't know if you want to be with someone who isn't sure they want to be with him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by landgazr View Post
It feels like marriage is a useless institution. Why marry if your wife could so something like this? As a human being, I guess I am susceptible to it as well.
50% of marriages end in divorce. Fact, baby!

Quote:
Originally Posted by landgazr View Post
Maybe I was too naive to think that this wasn't a possibility. But maybe it is better to have loved and lost then not having loved at all. At least I tried. At least I LIVED.
Very true. Some people never fall in love their entire lives.AND, nobody EVER gets married thinking they'll divorce (not people who marry for love anyway).


Quote:
Originally Posted by landgazr View Post
I don't know if I could ever love again. I know life goes on and I must as well. But I will need time to grieve. I'd want to find love again. But it's like, I already found it. How am I going to find something that already was found?[.
WRONG. There are 6.9 billion people on the planet. You WILL meet someone again. It's inevitable.

And while new relationships won't be as they were with your wife, they will be different. And that is awesome

Now, with that said, wait til you hear from her.

Last edited by Jellybeans; 09-30-2011 at 02:43 PM.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
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I know it sounds like an affair. I was suspicious as well. I still am. But she said she has been nothing but up front and honest with me and I believe her.
well cheaters lie, so your best bet is to investigate and either rule it out or uncover it. IMO you don't have all of the information needed to make a better and more informed decision. My adage is trust but verify.

some questions, does she guard her phone or have a passcode on it? Can you see the phone bill, are there large amounts of texts to one number that you don't recognize or seem out of the ordinary? do you have passwords to her facebook and email accounts or does keep that from you?


I would try the following-

install a keylogger, get her passwords
place a GPS tracker in her car or get spyware on her phone that will give you GPS locations
hide a VAR (voice activated recorder) under the seat of her car as most cheaters do their secret calls in the car
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Almostrecovered-

Thanks for your reply.

Now that you mention it, she just changed her Facebook password and changed the passcode on her cell in the last few weeks. I don't know why she did - I knew them before.

I don't want to get paranoid about this. Maybe I should ask her point blank in our next counseling session.

But I feel if I push in that direction I may further erode chances of repairing our relationship, if that is even possible now.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Hi Almostrecovered-

Thanks for your reply.

Now that you mention it, she just changed her Facebook password and changed the passcode on her cell in the last few weeks. I don't know why she did - I knew them before.

I don't want to get paranoid about this. Maybe I should ask her point blank in our next counseling session.

But I feel if I push in that direction I may further erode chances of repairing our relationship, if that is even possible now.
I hate to do tell you this, but now I think your wife is cheating (99% chance) We have seen this story so many times before and it almost always ends up in infidelity.

DO NOT tell her that you are suspicious anymore until you get solid proof.

She will only lie and gaslight you. (make you feel bad for snooping, call you crazy, etc etc)

click the newbie link in my signature and read it now

then get over to the coping with infidelity forum

get those monitoring techniques I mentioned started now
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by landgazr View Post
Now that you mention it, she just changed her Facebook password and changed the passcode on her cell in the last few weeks. I don't know why she did - I knew them before.

I don't want to get paranoid about this. Maybe I should ask her point blank in our next counseling session.
If she is cheating, she will 99% more than likely deny it. It is rare the cheater who just comes out and confesses.

That's why we told you to do snooping on your own to rule it out first. You already asked once and she said no. Which, if she is cheating, is probably why she changed her passwords and put a passcode on her phone. Most cheaters start going "Underground" once they feel someone's onto them.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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one more piece of advice- if you do find something (and I think unfortunately you will), do not get all fired up and start confronting her. I implore you to come to the CWI forum and ask for a plan. We all have been in your shoes and can assist you greatly and help minimize mistakes you will likely make.
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Old 09-30-2011, 03:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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sounds like an affair, could be the same story as mine only difference im the female, the password changes, phone not displayed, password protected or on silent, driving around so as she doesnt have to come home..... no..... the sex side could be guilt on her behalf or maybe she would think she was cheating on her lover dont really know but having gone through catching my partner cheating the signs are similar, the later working hours, a change in personality its like something or somebody took over this person you thought you knew, the pleading, begging, being extra nice wont work well didnt for me anyway because it was like talking to a brick wall, granted he agreed with everything is said that he was doing wrong said sorry wouldnt admit to an affair butas soon as he left our house to go to work or whatever that was all forgotten, at one point he said he thought he was having a breakdown nonsense was an affair he was having, please go with your gut instinct its usually right and you know yourself when things just dont gel, i wish i had have went with mine 2months earlier than i did
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Old 09-30-2011, 03:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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She's cheating, hon. Exercise, tanning, 'sleeping in the car,' changed passwords, ILYBINILWY speech = cheating. There's maybe a 1% chance she isn't.

Last edited by turnera; 09-30-2011 at 03:39 PM.
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Old 09-30-2011, 03:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I know it sounds like an affair. I was suspicious as well. I still am. But she said she has been nothing but up front and honest with me and I believe her.
Uh...did you expect her to TELL you she's screwing another guy? Seriously?

You're the enemy now. She won't tell you ANYthing that doesn't help her keep her new man.

Go to the Shack and buy a voice-activated recorder, and velcro it under her car seat. Check when she gets home. Get your proof. Then we can tell you how to save your marriage.
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