General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
In my previous thread I’ve discussed the resentment that’s growing in my wife has basically entered a semi-retired mode while I work a pretty high stress job with long hours often. The kids are getting older (7th and 5th grader twins) and she pretty much has refused to entertain the idea of going back to work. I said I’d be better about the situation if she would put in the effort of taking care of our family as a SAHM…not the semi-retired SAHM.
Anyway, I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to just ignore certain behavior and actually talk to her about it…the issue I’ve struggled with is that is seems to me that Dad’s are not allowed to question SAHM’s anymore…that’s a sacred cow and as working father, I’m absolutely clueless as to what it takes to take care of our house apparently.
Certain situations that put me in a bad mood…I need a tactful way to say this doesn’t work.
- I get home from work at 4:00 – she and the kids get home from school pickup at 3:30 – when I walk in the house she is napping on the coach a couple times a week with a magazine on her chest while the kids do the homework. How do I call her out on that – assuming she’s not sick or otherwise not well?
- She plays words with friends All. Day. Long. She’s got 6 or 7 of her gal pals in games and she plays at all hours…in the morning in bed while I get ready for work. While I’m making dinner. Sitting on the patio while I’m doing yardwork. I asked to look at her games and she’s got 6-7 games going at once and she’s finishing multiple games a day. That’s a lot of time. I guess it’s better than facebook, but it’s making me nuts. How do I say…stop it. There’s a time for games and a time for work
- Our house is in a pretty sloppy state all the time. While I don’t expect perfection every waking moment, I do expect some standard to be held regarding picking up, straightening up etc. She gets into cleaning mode when we have company…or the night before the cleaning ladies. I’m trying to find a way to say that’s not good enough?
I’m trying to figure this out because she thinks I’m crabby when I get home from work… One of the reasons I might be crabby is because of the above when I walk in the door… and if you mix in a extra rough day, I definitely can be crabby.
I guess coming home and letting crap get to me is the opposite of "Manning Up"...
I wouldn't worry about any of this. Life is too short and it's not clear that calling her out will make a positive difference. In my humble opinion, she's doing you and the kids a big favor by not working and you should be proud of yourself for being able to make this happen. I would suggest that you may be crabby when you get home because of work. I know I am. You should own your feelings and not look at your wife or the house as a reason for feeling anything except maybe the desire to help.
If you don't like the housekeeping, and believe me I completely understand your concerns, my first suggestion is to lead by example doing what you want done yourself as a demonstration. Bring the place up to the desired level of cleanliness for a while so everyone gets used to it. She may or may not follow your example but the place will be clean for sure and you will probably feel better through a sense of accomplishment. If you really apply yourself, you can probably knock it all out in about a tenth the time since this stuff is really not all that difficult.
For example, my wife has a hard time getting the dishes in and out of the dishwasher. This creates a messy kitchen and a big inconvenience. I can (and do) load and unload the dishwasher in about 2 minutes each way. I guess I have a talent for it and it really doesn't bother me to do it. Seriously, a little mindless manual activity after work will make you feel better.
Leave the napping on the couch out if it. She should be allowed to nap. However, I understand you're upset about the state of the house. A way to ease your way into the conversation would be something like, "It seems the house has been a little cluttered lately. Maybe we should try a new method of organization. Any ideas?"
As for the game I think you should be straightforward. "Would you mind putting your phone down when I'm around? We need quality family time."
I was going to mention that a SAHM should expect some level of help from her H at night. Nothing big, something like tidying up the kitchen or living room. It seems that you're already making dinner on a regular basis, though. Kudos for realizing her job shouldn't be 24 hours a day. Posted via Mobile Device
Recommending that he pick **** up when she's a SAHM whose children are in school full time is just insane. Outside of depression, I don't understand why she can't have the house 90% clean when he returns home. It's possible that she doesn't feel appreciated, but that only means he should compliment her on the things she does well. He shouldn't do her work for her. Posted via Mobile Device
He is entitled to have reasonable expectations. He needs to explain what those are calmly and firmly. Otherwise she is slowly going to play the "I matter and you don't" game until he gets squeezed into nothing.
If it were me. I would nicely explain what needs to be done and add that if it is too much for her that a cleaning lady will be hired AND that it will be paid for out of her discretionary spending. No emotion other than determination. And no anger just a calm explanation of consequences.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby
Orion,
I wouldn't worry about any of this. Life is too short and it's not clear that calling her out will make a positive difference. In my humble opinion, she's doing you and the kids a big favor by not working and you should be proud of yourself for being able to make this happen. I would suggest that you may be crabby when you get home because of work. I know I am. You should own your feelings and not look at your wife or the house as a reason for feeling anything except maybe the desire to help.
If you don't like the housekeeping, and believe me I completely understand your concerns, my first suggestion is to lead by example doing what you want done yourself as a demonstration. Bring the place up to the desired level of cleanliness for a while so everyone gets used to it. She may or may not follow your example but the place will be clean for sure and you will probably feel better through a sense of accomplishment. If you really apply yourself, you can probably knock it all out in about a tenth the time since this stuff is really not all that difficult.
For example, my wife has a hard time getting the dishes in and out of the dishwasher. This creates a messy kitchen and a big inconvenience. I can (and do) load and unload the dishwasher in about 2 minutes each way. I guess I have a talent for it and it really doesn't bother me to do it. Seriously, a little mindless manual activity after work will make you feel better.
I wouldn't worry about any of this. Life is too short and it's not clear that calling her out will make a positive difference. In my humble opinion, she's doing you and the kids a big favor by not working and you should be proud of yourself for being able to make this happen. I would suggest that you may be crabby when you get home because of work. I know I am. You should own your feelings and not look at your wife or the house as a reason for feeling anything except maybe the desire to help.
If you don't like the housekeeping, and believe me I completely understand your concerns, my first suggestion is to lead by example doing what you want done yourself as a demonstration. Bring the place up to the desired level of cleanliness for a while so everyone gets used to it. She may or may not follow your example but the place will be clean for sure and you will probably feel better through a sense of accomplishment. If you really apply yourself, you can probably knock it all out in about a tenth the time since this stuff is really not all that difficult.
For example, my wife has a hard time getting the dishes in and out of the dishwasher. This creates a messy kitchen and a big inconvenience. I can (and do) load and unload the dishwasher in about 2 minutes each way. I guess I have a talent for it and it really doesn't bother me to do it. Seriously, a little mindless manual activity after work will make you feel better.
This seems completely opposite advise to what folks tell men who work full time to do. You know the men who are so Beta their wives no longer want them. They work all day and come home and do the chores.
I think he has a very good point. He is working and his wife is playing games most of the day. So he should come home and help with the chores!?
This seems the exact opposite of what he should be doing.
I would encourage her to get at least a part time job. I think if people do not interact with adults in a productive way they end up getting old prematurely. Their mind is not exercised. Games do not do this. Her mental efforts should contribute to the family good.
SAHMs get bored Not good. When the kids get to this age they are in school. There are no babys to be looked after any more.
He cooks, he cleans up, yard work, should be his domain---inside the house should be hers, it doesn't sound like its happening that way
He is working, so she CAN lay on the couch, and NAP, so she CAN play on the computer
If he wanted to take care of everything, he could have stayed single
You need to force a little communication here, whether she likes it or not, and lay it out to her---she becomes a wife, and mother, and takes care of the house
Maybe the thought of her having to take care of her lazy self, and having to go out and work to support herself, as in D., single mother of kids, might just wake her lazy self up
He works, she cares for the home---that seems pretty fair
YOu don't need to sugar coat anything. My wife works and I work. I do the laundry and she folds it. She cooks and I clean the kitchen. The dusts and I vacuum, sweep and mop. I mow the lawn and she waters. Sometimes she or I won't do our part. For instance, our washer broke and I figured how to replace the circuit board. While we were waiting for the part and it was down, I gathered the laundry, took it to the laundry mat and washed. I came home and put the loads in the dryer. She didn't fold the laundry for a couple of days until I called her out. YOU NEED TO FOLD THE LAUNDRY. Guess what, the did it. We've been marred for almost 23 years and always split the house work.
I also keep hearing that she is getting older. Give me a break. She has a child in the 5th grade. If you are talking about being retired at 45 then give me a freakin break. That is about half way to retriement these days. 45 is far from old. No one should be thinking about taking a dirt nap or retiring. If she is that old then check her into a nursing home and get a 45 year wife who is not old. ( kidding )
I alsp see you pay for a housecleaning service. The children are in school. The house is not kept that well. he is napping when she gets back with the kids because it was so exhausting to pick them up. I don't get to take naps during the day. She finds excuses to not go out with you. She is bored and depressed and lazy. Spoiled even.
In the last thread I suggested you appeal to her rationally about how working would be good for her.
Since that did not work I suggest you apply some tough love. I think you tell her that you are not ready to pack it in and that it is unacceptable for her to giev up while she is so young. If she was 75 I could understand this more. Discuss with her what type of work she would like to do. Insist that rather than play games she look for work. Part time work is fine. Tell her you see her as giving up on your marriage and you have a long way to go and would like her to come along.
So just flat tell her. If she refuses cut off her money. She can go to work and get spending money.
Leave the napping on the couch out if it. She should be allowed to nap.
The problem I have with her napping is that it happens after having 7+ hours of time to herself. 30 minutes after the kids get home isn't the time to nap in my opinion. When I walk in, I get asked to help them with their homework. She gets more sleep than me, I don't think she's exhausted.
Quote:
However, I understand you're upset about the state of the house. A way to ease your way into the conversation would be something like, "It seems the house has been a little cluttered lately. Maybe we should try a new method of organization. Any ideas?"
As for the game I think you should be straightforward. "Would you mind putting your phone down when I'm around? We need quality family time."
I was going to mention that a SAHM should expect some level of help from her H at night. Nothing big, something like tidying up the kitchen or living room. It seems that you're already making dinner on a regular basis, though. Kudos for realizing her job shouldn't be 24 hours a day. Posted via Mobile Device
I think I do my fair share around the house. I do cook every dinner. I take care of the outside, garage, finances and the dog that everyone wanted. (now that we have the dog, I admit I was wrong...he's a great addition to our family)
Recommending that he pick **** up when she's a SAHM whose children are in school full time is just insane. Outside of depression, I don't understand why she can't have the house 90% clean when he returns home. It's possible that she doesn't feel appreciated, but that only means he should compliment her on the things she does well. He shouldn't do her work for her. Posted via Mobile Device
When I used to get fed up and do the work, I would be very resentful... I don't understand why she cant get it done either. She has a "craft room" that we put in the basement when we remodeled... you can barely open the door. I think she's rationalized that her day is so busy with errands, volunteer work, yoga, lunches etc...the house stuff isn't as important. That is unless we have company or something.
A SAHM who's out more than home isn't really a "Stay at Home" mom... its hard to show appreciation when things aren't done right.
He is entitled to have reasonable expectations. He needs to explain what those are calmly and firmly. Otherwise she is slowly going to play the "I matter and you don't" game until he gets squeezed into nothing.
If it were me. I would nicely explain what needs to be done and add that if it is too much for her that a cleaning lady will be hired AND that it will be paid for out of her discretionary spending. No emotion other than determination. And no anger just a calm explanation of consequences.
We have a cleaning lady and the house is clean the night before they come -- because they can't clean when there's clutter I guess.
I'm done with resentment...crabbiness... We talk about a new plan for things and it changes for a short period of time before it slips back to the old way. That cycle is frustrating as well.
I also keep hearing that she is getting older. Give me a break. She has a child in the 5th grade. If you are talking about being retired at 45 then give me a freakin break. That is about half way to retriement these days. 45 is far from old. No one should be thinking about taking a dirt nap or retiring. If she is that old then check her into a nursing home and get a 45 year wife who is not old. ( kidding )
I alsp see you pay for a housecleaning service. The children are in school. The house is not kept that well. he is napping when she gets back with the kids because it was so exhausting to pick them up. I don't get to take naps during the day. She finds excuses to not go out with you. She is bored and depressed and lazy. Spoiled even.
In the last thread I suggested you appeal to her rationally about how working would be good for her.
Since that did not work I suggest you apply some tough love. I think you tell her that you are not ready to pack it in and that it is unacceptable for her to giev up while she is so young. If she was 75 I could understand this more. Discuss with her what type of work she would like to do. Insist that rather than play games she look for work. Part time work is fine. Tell her you see her as giving up on your marriage and you have a long way to go and would like her to come along.
So just flat tell her. If she refuses cut off her money. She can go to work and get spending money.
I told her I miss the person who moved to the big city with nothing...got a job...built a career and made it. We've been together since college. When the twins were babies and our daughter was 3, she worked her butt off. We both did. She didn't used to be a slug...I'm not sure why she changed so much.
When we had the talk, she basically said she doesn't have any desire to work. I said me neither, but I don't have a choice. Adults need to be challenged...it would be so healthy for her, but she's absolutely convinced herself that's not the case. She's fighting so hard to keep things as they are.
How do I call my wife out on certain things? 
